Apollo still still wakes up at 2 A.M,feeling the empty space next to him in bed.
He still gazes at the stars,eyes glazing over,thinking about a lifetime ruined.
He still dreams about Clay,often about him being alive and kissing Apollo,telling him that everything was and is going to be fine.
He still wears Clay's coat, and he still listens to the last voicemail Clay sent him before he died,just to remember the sound of his voice.

'Hey Apollo!I wanted to call you before launch but you weren't picking up.
Can you believe that in a few hours I'll be in space?
Anyway,I just wanted to let you know that if anything happens to me while in space that I love you!I know that you know this already, but...I just wanted to tell you,in case anything happened...But I doubt anything will happen.
I'm fine and you're fine,so there's no point in really worrying about it.
Anyway,I'll video chat you when I'm up in space!And good luck with that trial,I'm sure you'll do great!'

He still keeps a poster Clay gave him of nebula on the wall,next to all the photos they took together.
He still reads over the love letters Clay sent him,which he keeps in his desk drawer binded by ribbons.
He still reads and rereads Cosmic,Clay's favourite book.
He still has Clay's stuff scattered around his apartment,a reminder of the love of his life.

It's not enough.