THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: I

Chapter 1- You are what you eat

A long time ago…

The 3 goddesses of courage, wisdom and power created the Earth. Where they left they created a symbol in their memory (the Triforce). No one except the Royal Family knows where the Triforce is. It's kept secret because whoever has it can grant wishes. But there is another piece of the Triforce…The exact location of the missing piece is only known to the Great Deku Tree.

GDT: Navi, Navi where art thou? Come hither, I don't have much time left…It is time for the boy without a fairy to start his journey. Go now and summon Zack!

Navi: Aye aye captain! She flies toward the village

At Zack's tree house

A boy lays sleeping in his bed

Navi flies in

Navi: Zack, Zack get up!

Zack: Ah! He falls out of bed Who are you? The New Jersey Devil?

Navi: No! I'm Navi; I'm a messenger of the Great Deku Tree.

Zack: What do you want?

Navi: I don't want anything.

Zack: Then get out! I'm tryin to sleep.

Navi: The Great Deku Tree wants you! It's an emergency!

Zack: Really? How big of an emergency?

Navi: Bigger then the Paris Hilton sex video!

Zack: Hm…This sounds important. But…He gets up off the floor and walks to his toaster My pop-tarts are more important.

Navi: This is urgent! Pop-tarts can wait!

Zack: But their Fabulous Fairy Pop-Tarts! Made from delicious fairies like you! And if you don't leave me alone you might find yourself in a pop-tart sandwich. Capeesh?

Navi: You dare threaten me? I serve a higher power!

Zack grabs a bottle

Zack: I'm sorry. But before I go I want you to look at this.

Navi: Look at what?

Zack: Look at this bottle. If you look down the opening you can see this…I'm not sure what it is. Maybe you'd know.

Navi: Let me see…She hovers over to it

Zack: Gotcha! He slips the bottle over her and pops a cork in it

Navi: Let me out juvenile!

Zack: Maybe later. Let's see what this tree wants…He pockets the bottle, walks outside and climbs down to the ground

???: Yahoo! It's Zack! A girl runs up to him Good morning Zack! Did you dream of me?

Zack: If you were in my dream then it'd be a nightmare! He runs by her and makes his way to the Great Deku Shrine entrance What is this?

A guy is blocking the way

Zack: Mido what are you…

Mido: Hey it's you! Mr. No Fairy!

Zack: Hey it's you, the 40 year old virgin.

Mido: What?

Zack: Nothin. Move it. The tree wants me.

Mido: Shutup Mr. No Fairy! If you think I'm just gonna let some child waltz in here and meet with the Great Deku Tree then your sadly mistaken. You're just a foolish boy.

Zack: Let me in. I don't have time to chat.

Mido: Heh. Yeah ya do. See this fairy? He points to a pink fairy flying over his shoulder This means I'm a real man. It's a sign of power.

Zack: It's a sign of an infant! That fairy's a babysitter sent by the tree to watch out for wee little Mido.

Mido: You question the law of the Great Deku Tree? Your just jealous cuz you don't have one!

Zack: You and your fairy can kiss my Kokiri can. Now move!

Mido: I shant! Why would the Great Deku Tree some fairieless faggot Zack when he could summon I, the Great Mido? Besides, you don't even have a sword or shield!

Zack: What does that have to do with anything?

Mido: Everything. Only those who are properly armed are allowed past here. What if he needs to be protected?

Zack: You little dick! I'm gonna break your nose! He steps forward

Mido: I don't think so… He whistles and 3 other Kokiri's run over and block the way Maybe if you come back with a sword and shield I might let you by.

Zack: I'll stomp all of you!

They all pull knives

Zack: Dammit…He walks away and sits down on a rock Where can I get sword?

???: Hey, don't swear!

He spins around and sees a girl

???: Swearing is terrible!

Zack: Who are you?

???: I'm Zelda. And you are?

Zack: Zack.

Zelda: Pleased to meet you!

Zack: Whatever.

Zelda: Hey now! What's wrong?

Zack : I need a sword and a shield.

Zelda: Why? Violence is terrible!

Zack: It's the only way I can see the Easter Tree…

Zelda: Hmm…Well…Since your not going to hurt anyone I guess I can help.

Zack: You know where I can get 'em?

Zelda: I know just the man you need! His name is Link.

Zack: Where is he?

Zelda: I saw him go into that shop…She points to a shop

A guy wearing green comes walking out

Zelda: That's him! Let's go talk to him!

Suddenly someone comes running out of the shop and tackles Link

Link: Get off me!

The guy punches Link in his eye

Link: Ow!

The mystery man grabs Links sword and runs off

Link: Coward! Come back and fight I say!

Zack and Zelda walk over to him

Zack: You just got jumped son!

Zelda: That eye looks bruised! Are you alright?

Link: Yes. But I must retrieve my sword.

Zack: I'm afraid that's not gonna happen.

Link: What do you mean?

Zack: I need a sword to go see the Christmas Tree so I'm gonna take yours.

Zelda: Show some respect. It is the honorable Great Deku Tree you're speaking of!

Link: I won't allow it. I need my sword.

Zack: To bad! I'm gonna jump the guy who jumped you and haul ass to the Hanukah tree before you can stop me!

Link: Preposterous!

Zelda: It's the Great Deku Tree!

Zack: See ya! He runs down an alley Where are you fool?

???: You're the fool! A guy jumps off a roof and kicks Zack

Zack rolls away

Zack: You think you're real sneaky huh?

???: No. I think I'm Gozz and I'm gonna take all your valuables.

Zack: Not really. I need that sword you stole.

Gozz: Why should I give you my hard earned sword?

Zack: I need it to see this important tree.

Gozz: Yeah…right…

Zack: Look I'm serious. When I get the money I'll pay you back.

Gozz: Ok. But I'm stickin with you until you do.

Zack: Fair enough.

Gozz gives him the sword and they walk back to Link

Link: You! He stomps over to Gozz THEIF! Return what you have stolen from me!

Gozz: I don't have it.

Link: Liar!

Zack: I have it. Zack spins the sword between his fingers

Link: That property does not belong to you! Hand it over immediately!

Zack: Sorry. No-can-do. Now I need a shield.

Gozz: They got one at the shop. But it costs like 40 rupees.

Zack: I'm broke.

Link: Don't ignore me!

They ignore him

Gozz: Don't worry, I have an idea.

He whispers into Zack's ear

Zack: Good plan!

Gozz: Hey Link. Look! It's a Nautzican!

Link: Where? He turns his head and Gozz hits him in the skull with a rock

He falls over unconscious

Zelda: How could you?!

Gozz: Check his pockets…

Zack grabs his wallet and "borrows" some money

Zack: That should be enough.

Zelda: Enough? You took everything!

Link moans and sits up

Link: Good golly miss Molly! What happened?

Zelda: Gozz hit you with a…

Zack: We really should be getting that shield shouldn't we?

Gozz: Right you are. To the shop!

Zack: To the shop!

They walk to the shop

Gozz opens the door

Zack slams it shut on Link

Link: Ugh… He falls over unconscious

Zack: Oops! Didn't see you there Link!

Store Owner: So what do we have here?

A big fat guy leans on the counter

Gozz starts snickering

Zack suppresses a laugh

Zack: I'd like to buy a shield dawg.

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! I don't think so!

Zack: Why not?!

Store Owner: Cuz you guys are puny and weak and don't need a shield! MO-HO-HO!

Gozz: Shutup with that gay laugh and sell us a shield!

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! It's time to go! He points to the door

Zack: I'm not leaving without a shield.

Store Owner: We don't sell shields! MO-HO-HO!

Zack: Then what's that brown wooden shield doing under the "FOR SALE" sign?

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! I don't know…

Zack: How about I just take it?He grabs it off the wall Well, we'd better get going…He moves to the door

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! Gimme my rupees! He pounds the counter

Gozz: Nah, quick let's run.

Everyone dashes out the door

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! I'm coming out the doe! He smashes threw the door and hops on a jumbo tricycle and starts chasing them

Zelda: Where are we going?

Zack: To the Qwanza tree!

Mido: Halt!

Everyone runs past him

Mido: Stop in the name of Mido!

The Store Owner runs him over

Zack: He's catching up!

Gozz: Hold up! He drops a banana peel

Zack: That won't work!

The Store Owner hits the peel and tumbles backwards

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! Oh no! He crashes into his shop

Zack: Nice.

Suddenly a voice calls out

???: Closer…

Everyone walks closer to the voice

???: Closer…

Everyone walks closer

???: Come…closer…

Zack: Jesus! How much closer do you want us to be?

Gozz: Looks like a big tree.

???: I am the Great Deku Tree…My word is the law…milk?

Gozz: Hm…no thanks…

Zack: Did I miss something?

GDT: Ah Zack. You have come. But where is Navi?

Zack: She had to go to the store.

Gozz: Who's Navi?

Zack: Some faggot fairy.

Zelda: Zack! Watch your mouth! You are what you eat!

Zack???

GDT: Oh well, there are more pressing matters to discuss.

Zack: Like what?

GDT: Like the future of this land and its people. The evil Gerudo thief Ganondorf has put a curse on me. If you cannot save me then Hyrule could be doomed!

Gozz: That doesn't sound that bad.

Zelda: Oh my goodness! Wise Great Deku Tree, whatever can we do to aid you in your time of need?

GDT: You must enter and clean out the curse.

Zack: Enter where?

The Great Deku Tree opens his mouth

Gozz: Hell no! I'm not going in that thing!

Zelda: I guess only real men can go in.

Gozz: You're going?

Zelda: Yes

Gozz: Then that makes you a man!

Zack laughs

Zelda: Enough. If you wanna make jokes, join the circus. I'm going.

Zack: C'mon Gozz lets go.

Gozz: Fine…

Everyone walks in

Zack: So what's this curse?

Zelda: Shh! I hear something! Listen!

A strange skritching sound fills the air

Gozz: What is that?

A skulltulla drops from the ceiling

Zack: That's the curse? This little bug?

Zelda: Eek! Kill it quick!

Gozz picks it up and throws it in her hair

Zelda: Oh my god! Get it off me! She slaps it out of her hair

It falls to the ground and she stomps it to death

Zelda: How could you do that?

Gozz: Get over it. It was just a little spider.

Suddenly a huge spider drops from the roof

Spider: Ekanssss!

Gozz: Koffing!

Zelda: Aei!

Zack runs into a wall

Zelda climbs some stairs

Gozz trips

Gozz: What's this? He reaches down and picks up the slingshot he tripped over Not bad! He loads a deku seed and shoots the spider

The spider turns to him and growls

Gozz: Oh crap…

The spider rushes him

Gozz: Die, die, die! He backs up while shooting and a lucky shot hits the spiders eye

Spider: KEE! It falls down

Zack: I got em! He runs forward and stabs it in the eye

Spider: SKREE! It shakes then lays still

Gozz: Phew! That wasn't so bad. Where'd that old hag go to?

Zack: I think she went upstairs.

They climb the stairs

Zelda: Nooo! Help me!

Gozz and Zack run into a room and see a Deku Scrub cornering Zelda

Scrub: Hello young lass! I'll sell you some Deku Sticks! 15 rupees a piece they are!

Zelda: Stop! Leave me alone! HELLLP!

Gozz: What are you so scared of? It's just a scrub sellin sticks.

Scrub: Thank you kind sir. Would you like some Deku Sticks? 20 rupees a piece they are!

Gozz: Are you tryin to rip me off?

Scrub: Would a face like this lie? He turns around and looks at Gozz

Gozz: OH MY GOD! EVERYBODY! RUN!

The Scrub locks the door and they all get a good look at him

Zack: Is that…?

Gozz: It can't be!

Zelda: Chuck Norris!

Scrub: Chuck Norris? I'm Scrub Norris! My power is even greater then his! I can kick threw a tank!

Everyone gasps

Scrub: I can punch threw a poodle!

Everyone stares

Scrub: I can eat threw a Burger King's Big Kid's Meal!

Everyone laughs

Scrub: Enough! Your all gonna die if you don't buy some of my sticks! 85 rupees a piece they are!

Zack: I'm not payin 85 rupees for a twig! Screw you!

Scrub: So be it! Feel the wrath of the gods! He screams a war cry and throws a punch at him

Zack: Holy! Zack jumps out of the way

The Scrubs punch blasts a 10 foot wide hole in the wall

Gozz: Unbelievable!

Zelda: Run!

They run threw the hole and end up in a small room littered with rocks

Zack: Dead end!

The scrub walks over to them

Scrub: You won't get away this time! Time for my unstoppable round-house kick!

Zelda: This is the end!

Scrub: YAH! He lashes out with a powerful, dramatic kick

Everyone leaps out of the way

He kicks a rock behind them

Scrub: OW! My foot! You bastards! Now I'm gonna kill you! The only way I'll show mercy is if you buy some Deku Sticks. 9999999 rupees a piece they are!

Zack: I thought you could kick threw a tank.

Scrub: AUGH! BUY SOME DEKU STICKS!!! #$)2435234905#$83497.$#53 RUPEES A PIECE THEY ARE!!!

Gozz: Gimme that! He grabs the Scrub's bag and searches it

Scrub: Drop that this instant!

Gozz: If you say so… He chucks the bag across the room and it hits the wall

There is a bunch of loud snaps as the Deku sticks break

Scrub: GASP My babies! He rushes over to the bag No, no, no! Not my babies! He opens the bag and starts crying NOOOO! Their all broked! Broked in half! This world is to cruel.

Zack: Pick up your trash scrub.

Scrub: You heartless fiends! I'll never forget this! He grabs his bag and runs away

They leave the GDT

GDT: It seems you have succeeded. Alas, it was all for naught. I was doomed to die before you came here…

Zelda: OH DEAR! DON'T LEAVE US!

Zack: So we did that all for nothing?!

GDT: No. You did that to prove your strength. Someone must stop Ganondorf. That someone is you and your friends. I don't have much time left so take this stone, the stone that Ganondorf wanted so badly he cursed me to try to get it.

A green gem falls from his branches and Zack takes it

GDT: Protect it at all costs!

Zack: Ok.

GDT: There is one more thing. There exists a sacred icon, the Triforce. You must make sure it does not fall into Ganondorf's hands.

Zack: Will do.

GDT: And keep a lookout for the lost piece of the Triforce, for it alone could turn the tide of the battle to come.

Zack: Where can I find it?

GDT: Ah…yes…It's located in…No…that's my mom's house…Oh yes! It's hidden in…Urk! Hack Cough…Bleh…

It dies

Zack: You stupid tree!

Zelda: How terrible.

Gozz: It has a mom?

Zelda: What an unfortunate turn of events. Would you two accompany me to Hyrule?

Gozz: For what?

Zelda: I think the Royal Family could use you guys for a special job.

Zack: What kind of job?

Zelda: You'll see. Just get ready to go

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This story is still undergoing a re-write. So far, only Chapter 1-5 are completely redone, so if you want the story at it's best, (and it get's way funnier) you may want to wait to read the whole thing until I finish the re-write. The rest was written when I was younger and its quality isn't as good as it is now. But if you can't wait, go ahead, just know it might be crappy. When you get to a new chapter just scroll down and see if it says REWRITE. If it does then you know the chapters good.

In Chapter 2, they are on their way to Hyrule when trouble arises. And that's only the beginning. After they make it to Hyrule, they have a run-in with some shop owners and a killer dog, and the only way for them to get inside the castle is with a toy scrotum. It'll all make sense later. 