Everyone's eyes immediately fell on me the moment I walked through the door. I could already tell that the first day of school was going to be dreadful.
"Connor!" I heard Alana Beck's voice before I actually saw her. Seeing her hurt. It reminded me of Zoe. I glared at her and continued to walk to my assigned locker. Determined, Alana kept at my side. "Connor, I'm talking to you." She stubbornly announced.
"What do you want?" I hissed, perhaps a little too violently.
"I-- I know it's a touchy subject but I really want to know if you have any more information on Zoe." Alana explained, her enthusiastic tone fading away. Alana, like me is one of the few people who doesn't think Zoe is dead-- or doesn't want to believe it at least. That's the only reason I'd occasionally make small talk with her. She was a close friend of Zoe's. If she only knew what I'd done, she'd hate me.
"Where have have you been!?" Zoe demanded the moment I entered the house.
"It's none of your fucking business." I snapped in response. I was obviously high-- I reeked of pot.
"It actually kinda is, I'm your sister." I huffed at her come back.
"Where the fuck is Larry? He's usually the one to be bugging me the moment I walk in the door."
"Mom and Dad are sleeping. They're fed up with your bullshit excuses of why you always come home late."
"And you aren't?" I remarked.
I found my locker, unlocked it, and flung it open in anger.
"If I had any news on Zoe don't you think I would've told you?" I growled. Alana didn't respond but the doubtful expression on her face was enough. "Now leave me the fuck alone."
"Sorry, Connor. I just thought I'd ask. I miss her just as much as you do. Have a good day." Alana apologized with one of her huge fake ass smiles. Even when she was upset or angered, Alana would never let it show. She'd always hide it with that smile of hers. On the other hand, I'm not afraid to let my anger show. Everybody already thought I was a freak anyway.
By the end of the day, almost everyone said "Sorry about your sister" or "Sorry about Zoe" as if she were dead. She wasn't dead. She couldn't be dead. However, there was one person who stood out to me. Evan Hansen.
"H-- hey." He nervously greeted me as I closed my locker at the end of the school day. I didn't reply. "I-- I heard about Zoe. Are-- are you okay?"
"Oh I'm fucking perfect." I responded sarcastically and slammed my locker shut. I noticed Evan take a small step back, expecting me to snap at him.
"How'd you break your arm?" I asked, changing the subject.
"Oh umm-- I was-- I was just climbing a tree and-- and I fell." He responded.
"You fell out of a tree?" I chided. "That's the saddest fucking I've ever heard." I laughed and Evan nervously joined in. "Umm, No one's signed your cast." I observed realizing how awkward the situation was getting.
"Oh yeah-- yeah, I know." Evan softly replied.
"Umm-- I'll sign it, do you have a sharpie?"
"Oh, you don't have to-- I mean-- I mean it's fine if--"
"Just give me the fucking sharpie, Hansen." I growled. Evan shoved his hand into his left pocket and pulled out a sharpie. I grabbed it as he held it out to me and gripped his cast to hold his trembling arm still.
"Ow." He pathetically whimpered.
"Sorry." I hastily apologized and loosened my grip on him. After I finished scribbling my name in huge letters on Evan's cast I capped and handed him the marker.
"Oh, thanks." Evan lightly grinned. He had a great smile.
"Uh huh. Now we can both pretend we have friends."
"Good point."
"Evan!" A new voice called. I spun around to see Jared Kleinman approaching us. "Oh hey Connor-- sorry about Zoe." Jared looked as if he wanted to make a snarky comment but rethought it, realizing my current situation. Just him considering it made me wanna punch him in the face.
"She's not fucking dead." I muttered to myself. I saw Jared shoot Evan a doubtful look. Neither of them knew what to say to that.
"Umm-- Jared and I were gonna go to the mall, uh-- do you wanna come?" Evan invited me. Jared shrugged but didn't say anything. Today, I was planning to search for Zoe again. Everyday I made it part of my routine. I even walked to school today so maybe I'd find something-- but like always, I didn't. I would spend days over the Summer when she first when missing searching for her-- but she was nowhere to be found. I suppose it couldn't hurt to try to get my mind off of it, even if it was only for a little while.
"Okay, sure-- I'll go." I agreed.
"Trust me I am, Mom and Dad wanted me to make sure you came home." Zoe objected.
"Well I'm home now." I said and became fascinated in the wall as Zoe babbled on about something I didn't give two shits about. Something just looked different about it-- unless it only looked weird because of how high I was.
"Connor! Are you even listening!?"
"Listening to what?" I questioned.
"Are you high!?"
"Probably." I said I'm a dead serious tone. Zoe sighed as her face started to turn to a light shade of red. I was pissing her off. Perfect.
"Is this seriously all you spend you Summer doing!? Vanishing for hours on end, then reappearing high off your ass and--"
"Blah blah blah!" I shouted over her.
I followed Evan and Jared to Jared's car. Not wanting to be next to Kleinman, I sat in the back seat. Evan nervously climbed in next to me. I silently glanced at him then out the window as Jared started to drive.
After a little while, I felt Evan nudge me and I jumped at the sudden physical contact.
"S-- sorry! I didn't-- I wouldn't have-- just--" Evan immediately stuttered. I heard Jared chuckle from the front seat.
"No, it's fine, relax. It's just-- I wasn't expecting it, sorry. What did you wanna say?"
"Oh umm-- I was gonna umm-- tell you not to let Jared near the lush store when we get there. Last time we k-- kinda got kicked out after he ate a bath bomb without paying for it." Evan anxiously laughed.
"That was once, Evan! It tasted horrible and I won't do it again!" Jared objected.
"Jared you've eaten bath bombs before that--"
"Shut up!" Jared interrupted him. "We're here." Kleinman let Evan and I out in front of the mall so he could go find a parking spot. Why am I even here with two kids I don't even know? Is it too late to go home now? I could probably walk from here--
"So how long have you've been painting your nails?" Evan shyly asked.
"Why do you wanna know?" I snapped.
"Oh sorry I--"
"Zoe taught me when we were little-- I've just kinda never stopped doing it. Plus, it helps me calm down." I told him, I had to force Zoe's name out. My phone started ringing from my pocket. I groaned, took it out, and looked to see who was calling. It was Cynthia, my mom. I sighed before pressing the green button to answer.
"What?" I growled.
"Are you walking home? Where are you, honey?" Cynthia asked in a gentle tone.
"No, I'm at the mall."
"Oh?" She sounded confused. "Your Father and I want to take you out to dinner later, when will you be home?"
"I don't know, you can pick me up in an hour or two." I told her.
"Okay, b--" I hung up before she could finish her sentence. I could tolerate Cynthia, but Larry was another story. Going out to eat with them was going to be interesting (in a bad way).
"Sorry, that was my mom." I apologized to Evan as Jared approached us.
"We should get Connor a better manicure." Kleinman exclaimed.
"Fuck off, Kleinman." I hissed.
"It was a joke." The shorter teen muttered. Stepping into the mall made me immediately regret my decision of tagging along with them. There were so many people and although I knew they weren't, it felt like their eyes were burning into me from the moment I stepped foot in the place. Evan didn't seem all that confident either. It looked as if he were trying to make himself shrink so he wouldn't be noticed-- making himself invisible. He trailed behind Jared as I walked to the right of him.
"I know where we're going first!" Jared exclaimed. "I have a feeling you'll like this store, Connor." I rolled my eyes, already knowing which store he was talking about.
"Is it fucking Hot Topic?" I guessed.
"How'd you know!?" He asked rhetorically. "I love all of the gay shit they have in that store." I watched as Evan remained silent while Kleinman babbled on about why Hot Topic was the stereotypical "Emo" store. I only half listened to Jared's rant before we found the store. Jared lead us into the store, I followed him, and Evan followed me. Jared already seemed to know exactly where to look and it was kinda funny. While Jared was looking at the shit he wanted I decided to roam the store a little bit as well. I was surprised when Evan trailed behind me and not Jared, but I didn't say anything. Nothing really seemed to catch my eye except for the black nail polish sitting at the checkout counter. I was running low on mine and did need some more, so I wound up buying it and shoving into my bag.
Eventually we wound up leaving the store after Jared bought a fidget spinner with batman symbols on it, a tin of Pokémon cards, and a pin that read 'I'm as straight as a rainbow' with a small picture of a rainbow underneath the writing. I wasn't at all shocked to find out Kleinman was gay. I mean, it was pretty obvious he wasn't straight.
"Did anyone get a lot of homework today?" Jared questioned. I shrugged.
"I have some math and I have to start planning for some sort of journal entry for Language Arts." I explained. "But It's not like I'm actually gonna do any of it."
"I have math homework too and-- and I need to get some papers signed for science." Evan told us. "Lab safety stuff."
"Same here." Jared added. I felt my phone vibrate and reached into my pocket to see who texted me. It was Alana.
A.B: Hi Connor, this is Alana! I just wanted to say sorry about before. I know the subject is hard for you to talk about but if it helps, I don't believe she's dead either. I'm sorry for even asking about it before because if you did find her, like you said, you'd have let me know. I'm always here if you want to talk! :)
I stared at the text for a while. I remembered when Zoe gave Alana my number in case there was an emergency and she needed me for some reason. I didn't even realize th3 tears starting to stream down my face.
"Are-- are you okay, Connor?" Evan shyly asked. I used my sleeve to wipe the tears from my face.
"I-- I should probably go now." I muttered and started to walk away.
"Where are you going?" Jared stopped me. "We just got here."
"It was a mistake coming here. Thank you guys for inviting me but I have to go." I said, trying so hard not to snap at them.
"You never answered my question!" Jared objected while Evan nervously looked down at his feet.
"Why the fuck do you wanna know, Kleinman!?" I hissed. "I'm going to look for Zoe-- just leave me alone!"
"Jared just-- just--" Evan paused. "Leave him alone." I wanted to thank Evan, but if I said another word I'd either end up hysterically crying or snapping at them. So, with that I stormed away from them and out of the mall. Once I stood outside for a while, calming myself down, I texted Cynthia:
Me: I just left the mall don't pick me up. I'll be home in an hour or 2
C.M: Ok sweetie see you soon. 3
After texting her, I closed out of the conversation and went back to the text Alana sent me. I decided to text her back:
Me: hi Alana can u pick me up from the mall?
A.B: Why…?
Me: Well u don't need to it's just that I wanted to look for Zoe and I thought you'd want to come along
A.B: Oh ok! I'll be there in a few minutes!
Me: U better hurry before I regret it
I was already regretting it. I've always searched for Zoe alone. I shouldn't have dragged Alana into my mess. It was my fault Zoe went missing in the first place, so it was my responsibility to find her.
"You're such a disappointment!" Zoe yelled.
"Tell me something I don't know!" I snapped back.
"What's going on down here!?" Larry hurried down the stairs and marched up to us.
"M-- maybe if you would've-- just went through with it last year we'd all be better off!" Zoe hissed, ignoring Larry and quickly covered her mouth, realizing the words she had just spoken. I froze in place. She couldn't possibly mean-- no.
"Zoe Murphy! Go up to your room now, and don't ever say that to your brother again!" Larry scolded her. That was probably the first time Larry has ever taken my side in an argument. I was shocked until he turned to me.
"Connor you reek of pot, go take a shower and come back down to talk." He demanded.
A few minutes later, Alana pulled up in front of the mall and I climbed into the passenger seat, slamming the door closed behind me.
"H-- hi Connor!" Alana greeted me nervously, knowing the kind of mood I was in at the moment. "Where should we start looking?"
"Ellison State Park." I replied sternly. "I've been searching for her since she went missing."
"Do you think we're gonna find her?"
"Well, I can't tell myself otherwise or else I will stop searching."
"Why can't you stop searching?" I didn't respond. I wouldn't tell Alana what I did. I couldn't tell her.
It wasn't until we got to the park that I opened my mouth again.
"We'll find her-- eventually."
"I hope." Alana sighed as we both exited the car. "So what were you doing at the mall? How'd myou get there without a car?" Alana asked as we started walking around.
"Oh umm-- I went with Evan Hansen and Jared Kleinman." I explained.
Two hours went by real quick. Of course, we didn't find anything, but it was worth the effort. Alana and I would occasionally have small talks-- it was actually pretty nice to have someone to talk to for a change, also I was happy that I didn't snap at her once the whole time we were at the park. From the looks of it, she was pretty happy too. By the time we got in her car to leave, Alana was beaming. That made me feel a little better-- I didn't even know a small smile formed on my face until I noticed Alana staring at me.
"What?" I asked irritably as she burst into laughter. I chuckled a little too, which made her laugh harder. "Just drive, I gotta be home soon." I told her through my laughter.
The moment I walked in my door, I regretted telling Alana to drive. I figured I'd just sneak upstairs to my room, but Cynthia wasn't kidding about the going out to eat thing. Her and Larry were waiting for me in the living room.
"Connor honey, could you go get changed into something nicer?" Cynthia gently questioned.
"Where are we going?"
"Out to eat, I told you before on the phone." Cynthia confirmed.
"Where are we going to eat?"
"Just go get dressed, Connor!" Larry growled. I flipped him off before storming up the stairs to my room.
