Written for comment_fic on Livejournal

Eliot was standing over the body when Nate rushed in. Eliot's eyes told Nate that there was no use checking for a pulse.

Nate's look of comprehension told Eliot, 'It's okay. I know you didn't have a choice.'

Eliot's abrupt turn and tense shoulders told Nate that he wasn't interested in talking more about it.

Nate's hand on Eliot's shoulder when they got back to the van told Eliot that Nate would do his best to be supportive.

But Eliot's brief look, before he turned his back on Nate, was full of need and regret and, Nate thought, accusation. His pained eyes said, 'I'm not supposed to have to kill any more, Nate. You're supposed to plan it well enough that I don't have to.'

There was mostly silence that night. When Eliot headed to bed, Nathan started to get up to go with him, but Eliot gave the tiniest of gestures that said, 'Stay put, Nate. I can't stand the sight of you right now.'

Nathan sat there replaying the day in his head, wondering what he was going to say to Eliot the next day.

+++++======+++++

Eliot went to bed alone and waited. He half expected Nate to come after him. Usually when Eliot acted like he wanted to be alone, Nate just ignored him.

Eliot almost laughed at himself, for being the kind of guy that pushes away when he wants to be held closer. But after today, he really didn't feel like laughing.

He didn't have a choice at the moment. But maybe if he had played it a little differently in the lead-up, he could have scared the guy enough to prevent it. When Nate burst in to see Eliot standing there over the body, Eliot had tried to convey an apology with his eyes. He wasn't able to say it, but he tried to show it.

Nate just gave a look that spoke of disappointment. Later, in the van, Nate had put a hand on his shoulder. 'I feel sorry for you,' it told Eliot, 'you just can't help yourself.'

Eliot had turned away. He couldn't say anything but he looked at Nathan and tried to be honest in that moment of eye-to-eye. He allowed Nate to see that he was hurting, that he needed him. But Nate was silent after that, so Eliot realized that Nate was having trouble dealing with what happened. He probably regretted letting someone like Eliot into his life.

When Eliot had enough silence, he went upstairs. He knew Nate felt bad for him, that Nate wanted to act like everything was fine. But Eliot wasn't about to let anyone be with him out of pity.

So he lay alone in his room, replaying the events of the day in his head, wondering if Nate would ever again be able to stand the sight of him.