This book was started a rather long while ago, so I wish to point out that its starting point in the timeline is circa The Red Throne.

Every OC with a name is a darker, brighter, or just differently colored counterpart to a character from the show.


The aftermath of desolation; rusted remains, small mammals, and noises produced of defeatism and decay. Wet puddles of dirt and poison. Black birds flying overhead.

Move past.

The world has risen anew, into a form of whim, brightness and fantasy. Never the same again, but once again a place to be. Ranges of mountains of ice. A kingdom of candy, softness and fluff, it's princess riding overhead on a magical rainbow unicorn. Tall spires of earth covered with grass. A pit of darkness, from which the vampire hisses. An open field of green, with a house in the likeness of a tree, wide and fat. Inside the house, a boy and a dog, brothers for life, hit their fists together.


What do you do, when you're in a crazy foreign land, surrounded by crazy foreign people, with crazy foreign customs? I'll tell you.

You wing it.

Its a proving from the top of the mountain. Ah, some people in the role prepare, gather some intel in advance to try and take the guesswork out of it.

But not me. I know that the real trick to the trade is to never, ever, admit you don't know what you're doing. I know that the foreign people are just as terrified of me as I of them, and my edge is being aware of that.

It's still not easy, though. You may have to perform, and even strangle someone. Just remember you're not there to be dignified, you're there on a mission.

-Jake the Dog


His horse trotted gracefully, carrying him along a path flanked evenly by thick expanses of tall, yellow trees. He himself was concealed head to toe by a cloak and hood. The sun was just coming up in the sky.

He and the horse reached the top of an upward incline of the road, rendering visible their destination. It was a city, colored brightly with cheerful, childlike colors. It had giant walls, and a moat. The centerpiece of the city was a large palace, made diminutive by its own architecture. An enormous tree grew out of the top of its center building.

"This... is the place?" He spoke with a voice that suggested his cords were infused with the pure essence of chili pepper.

"The Candy Kingdom, yes. Kingdom of Candy works as well." Replied the horse, whose voice possessed a solid gold resonance; male cords that implied a pairing of every sentence with the unheard phrase, 'I am a gentleman.'

He licked his chops. "It looks rather appetizing. Let's go get ourselves allowed in."

The horse continued along the road. The scenery was unremarkable. Trees on the left and right of the road ensured that all which could be seen of the horizon was the depth of the woodland visible to the naked eye.

They rounded a curve, and the city became visible again. From their new perspective, the palace was barely visible past the enormous walls. The road led up to the gatehouse, the drawbridge of which was wide open. The portcullis, however, was closed. A pair of figures stood guard outside the drawbridge. They looked like extremely thick, rounded cones with very short legs coming out of a flat bottom. Their skin texture was like that of an unpeeled banana. Each carried a spear, rested on the ground.

As he and the horse got close, one of the guards raised his free hand, "halt!"

The horse stopped, he made no movement underneath his cloak.

The guard stepped up close. "Welcome to the Candy Kingdom. As you're a new face, I need to ask a few questions before you're allowed in. Standard procedure."

He clenched his teeth. He was already uncomfortable with this place. Nonetheless, he nodded his hood.

The guard took this as an affirmative. "Thank you for your time. What is your name?" He said as he took out a clipboard and pencil.

"Craw." Answered the man under the hood.

"And what's your occupation?"

"Mysterious wanderer."

"Ooh, that's a pretty cool occupation. We've only had three of those this week." He busily jotted things down on his clipboard.

Craw was getting impatient. He couldn't stand people like this, he looked up at the walls surrounding the city, he couldn't stand places where they could live safely.

"Okay, almost done." Said the guard. "What's your alignment?"

He looked down at the guard from his highhorse, and grinned with all his teeth exposed, their white lack of pigment making itself visible from the shadow of his cowl, "chaotic evil."

The guard didn't react to this, he just busily jotted things on his clipboard. "Well, it's clear, from the data I have, that you pose a high chance of causing trouble here." He kept writing things. "Let's see, carry the six, fiddle with this gizmo here, and your score is... a C minus!"

"Wait, score?"

"C minus is passing grade, you can go in." The guard turned around and made a hand gesture. The portcullis rose up, clearing the way. He looked back at Craw. "Enjoy your stay in the Candy Kingdom!"

He looked up at the open gate, then back at the guard, then at the gate. "Well alright then." The horse continued through the open gate.

The main road was crowded with candy people. All of them were walking casually, dancing on the spot, or doing any kind of whimsical, peaceful activity of their choosing, free of danger or rebuke. The city had a lot of space, and as many small trees as buildings.

"This seems like a nice town." Said the horse. "Our homeland is nothing like this place."

Craw took exception at the horse's positive outlook. "Look at these people." He remarked in the horse's social direction as they walked down the active main street. "I could blindside any one of them and they wouldn't have a chance."

"I'm sure if you tried to pull something like that here, you'd have to contend with the police, and perhaps those automatons sitting on the walls."

He swallowed his spit, and spoke over the din of the city. "So their survival is provided for them by someone else. What's that prove?"

"I'm well aware you don't like this place, Craw." Said the horse patronizingly. "There's no need for redundancies. Unless you're trying to trigger an epiphany in me with your words?"

He laughed. "There you go over-thinking things. I was only venting."

"Is this really the time or place?"

He smiled with his lips. "The only time and the only place: here and now."

"Just... try to focus on what we're here for."

They continued along the main street. On the route they were going, it would take them straight to the palace. Craw took out a toothpick and scraped his teeth with it. "Take us to the side streets. Places like this always have some kind of backwater pub where all the lowlifes hang out."

The horse complied, taking the next right into the backstreets. As they advanced deeper downtown, the street narrowed, then gave way to an open space, the centerpiece of which was a run-down, single story bar. A handful of bicycles and cars were parked In its makeshift lot. The horse stopped in front of the door, and Craw dismounted. They walked into the place together.

The bar was dimly lit. It rank of sweat and spoiled candy. Nobody inside was quiet, yet they all kept hushed enough so nobody could hear them. Craw and the horse made their way to a table near the middle. All of the corner tables were taken. Craw took off his cloak and lay it over his chair as he sat down. The horse backed up to the other chair, and stood on two legs. He lifted out a smoking pipe in sync with sitting down. The pipe reached his mouth at the same time his glute made contact with the seat. "This place will do nicely." He said in a gentlemanly tone.

Craw set a satchel on the table. "So what's the mission, Gates?"

Gates clupped his pipe in his mouth, freeing both his hands. He put his front hoofs in the satchel and took out a quill, an ink bottle, and a huge roll of blank parchment. He set the items on Craw's half of the table. "You're on recon. Go map out the city."

Craw looked at the items, then at the horse, then at the items, then at the horse. "What, in our history together, makes you think I'm any good at drawing a map?"

Gates flicked a hoof at him in dismissal. "It doesn't have to be an atlas, just something to give us a general idea of the layout."

"Oh! Say no more." He unrolled a flat spot on the parchment and began etching onto it with the quill.

Gates signaled a waiter, and ordered a drink.

Craw was oblivious as he focused on the parchment. "Let's see, it's surrounded by walls... and this here's the moat. The two big circles are the huge robots sitting on the walls. And there's the layout!" He finished up and slouched back in his chair, smiling lazily."

Grant leaned over and looked at his handiwork. "If you're done wasting parchment, go outside and do it properly."

"Why don't you just cut out the irrelevances and just say 'go outside'?"

"Craw." Said Gates in a rising tone of impatient agitation.

"I don't take orders from you, Gates."

The horse leaned in to talk more quietly. "Yes, you do. While we're in the land of ooo, my word is that of the empress, god save her." He clupped his hand on his heart as he said this. "You can't feign ignorance on this one, she made sure you were there when I was appointed ambassador. And I'm telling you to go map out the city."

Craw shook his head. "Dude, don't pull rank on me. You're better than that."

Gates leaned back, sighing. The dingy haze and monotonous din of the tavern kept its consistency, oblivious to their conversation. "I wish I didn't have to. You do know how lucky you are? If you were any less of a warrior, the empress would have had you ripped apart for your insolent demeanor a long time ago."

"And if she were any less wealthy, I'd have gone to work for someone else a long time ago."

The horse stared at him blankly. For many, many minutes.

He made a wide shrug. "So we both need to improve, me and her."

Gates began hitting his horse head on the table.

Craw stood up. "So just let me make the decisions, as you clearly can't handle the pressure." He put his cloak back on as he walked past him, he pat him on the shoulder. "You walked us all the way here, so you just stay here, check us in and relax." He reached over and took the parchment, ink and quill. "I'm going to map out the city, just one question."

"What?"

"This map, what sort of dossier is it going in? A tour guide, or an invasion plan?"

"That depends on how negotiations go. Just try to get everything."

He trotted off cheerfully. "Alrighty then. I'm off."

"Craw."

He stopped. "What is it, mister super-big gentlemanly ambassador?"

Gates glanced over at him. "Don't do anything... chaotic, while you're loose in the city. We're not looking to start a war."

He snapped his fingers and pointed at Gates with the same motion and hand. "You're exactly correct. That isn't her high-and-mightiness' way."

"Good, I'm glad you understand."

"Yeah, because you know..." He turned around and walked toward the door. "She hasn't delivered a ridiculous ultimatum to this kingdom's ruler. We can't do war 'till that's taken care of, first, am I right?" He exited the door before Gates could rebuke him.

Gates sat sideways in his seat, looking toward the door flapping shut. He was smiling. The waiter put the drink he ordered on the table. He took it and took a hearty gulp, then spoke to himself. "The horse and the ass. That's what she called us, as a team." He turned back to the table. "Fitting name, really."