Popeland: Yes, it's a fic. A fic by me
And it's set before Defiance
Bet you didn't see that one coming!!
Yes, this is a montage of various fic ideas I've had. And instead of writing them all separately I've decide to merge them together in one super Story!
Or so the legend goes...
Anyway I do not own LoK
LoK standing for Legacy of Kain not Lumberjacks of Kingstown
Well, I don't own either of them actually so it's all good
In the depths of Avernus cathedral a dark and ancient ceremony was taking place
"Ha! Nachtolm street is mine!" Said a hooded Monk enthusiastically as he pointed at the board
"Damn" muttered a masked Cenobite "how much is that then?"
"Well I have two Taverns and one Brothel" the Monk said to himself as he calculated "that's 200 gold pieces"
"Fine" said the Cenobite as he threw some plastic coins over at the Monk " your roll"
The hooded monk picked up the dice and threw them. He got a five
"Ha! Said the Cenobite as he saw the Monk land on the pillars "Go to the Demon dimension! Go directly to the demon dimension, do not oppose via ancient magic, do not curse with immortality and sterility!"
"This game is stupid!" said the Monk as he picked up a book he had by his side
He opened it and flame burst forth from the pages and destroying the monopoly board
"Sore loser..." muttered the masked Cenobite
The giant doors that separated the catacombs from the cathedral swung open and Azimuth walked in
The two men jumped to their feet
"Lady Azimuth!" they both said
"Ah my loyal servants" she said "ready for the summoning?"
"Yes, lady Azimuth!" they both chimed
"You have the ancient prophecy and the device of rebirth and deliverance" she asked
"yes" said the monk as he took a tattered notebook page out of his pocket
"Got that device of rebirth and deliverance right here" said the Cenobite as he knelt to pick up a rather battered time streaming device that was being held together by string
"Excellent" said Azimuth as she rubbed her hands together "let the ceremony begin!"
The Monk cleared his throat and began to read the notebook page/ancient prophecy
"Great Hash ak Gik! Your power knows no limits! Your name strikes fear into the hearts of all"
"But yet your name is not a valid word in scrabble!" added the Cenobite
"Oh mighty hash ak Gik! Can you believe I'm getting this from someone who wouldn't even be able to spell scrabble!"
"Oh Supreme God! That was a low blow was it not!?"
"Ahem" said Azimuth threateningly
"Er, as I was saying" the Monk said quickly "We provide a vessel for you! Find it worthy and come to us!"
There was silence for a moment
"Press the button!" the Monk hissed
"Oh right" said the Cenobite as he pressed the big blue button on the time streaming device
There was a strange hissing noise and the time streaming device disappeared
The two men exchanged worried glances
"Well, where's the vessel?" Said Azimuth impatiently
"Oh, that .......well....that....." said the Cenobite slowly
"Will take some time!" said the Monk desperately
"Yeah! He should be here at the end of toda.." began the Cenobite
"The week!" interrupted the Monk
Azimuth looked at the two men who were smiling nervously and sweating profusely
"Very well, I shall return to this place in a weeks time" she said eventually "do not disappoint me"
Azimuth walked slowly out of the chamber and the doors swung shut behind her
"We're screwed" said the Cenobite
"Definitely" said the Monk as he crumpled up the ancient prophecy and threw it over his shoulder
"Still, considering I made that time streaming device out of a cereal box, Pva glue and some string I was quite impressed with the thing actually doing something" said the Cenobite thoughtfully
"You know if we don't have a vessel by the end of the week we're very, very dead"
"Indeed....."
"So you go steal a time streaming device from Moebius and I'll write a new ancient prophecy" the Monk suggested
"That hardly seems fair" Said the Cenobite unhappily
"I'll let you choose your piece in the next game of monopoly and you can have first go" said the Monk
"Ha! You fool!" the Cenobite shouted "I was going to do it anyway! The dog piece will be mine!!"
The Cenobite laughed madly as he ran out of the catacombs
The Monk scratched his head and gazed into the large pit where the vessel was supposed to appear
"Well, I guess time streaming devices are a bit trickier to make than we first thought" he mused to himself
Of course he was wrong
Miles away in a Coorhagen tavern there was a glimmer of light before a man appeared wearing no clothes
He looked around for a moment before he walked up to the Barkeeper and said
"I vill need your clothes and you horse drawn carriage"
In the Sarafan stronghold Mortainius was lying on his bed reading a book
"Foolish Potter boy" he chuckled to himself "as if he could beat someone with "Mort" in their name"
He was about to turn the page when he noticed a paper weight float past him
"Odd" he said to himself
He then wondered why bubbles came out of his mouth when he attempted to speak
And was the room supposed to be this blue and rippely?
It was then he realised
"MOEBIUS!!" he gurgled angrily as he swam to his door
He kicked the door down and a deluge of water cascaded into the corridors
The corridors were eerily silent as Mortainius made his way to Moebius's Time Streaming Chamber
Because when Mortainius is angry it pays to be eerily quiet
The giant doors of the Time Streaming Chamber were flung open
"Moebius!!? Where are you?!" Mortainius screamed
The chamber was filled with mist but Mortainius could make out a figure in the haze
"Care to explain why my room is now an extension of the Stronghold Lake?!" Mortainius shouted "You've been messing up the Time Line again haven't you!?"
"Chill out" said the figure , still obscured by the mist
"Chill out?! I've been in a room filled with ice cold water for God only knows how long! I think I'm sufficiently chilled!" snapped Mortainius "And get out of that damn mist!"
The figure emerged from the mist and Mortainius eyes widened in shock
"Your not Moebius" said Mortainius slowly
"Oh but I am!" Replied Moebius as he ran his fingers through his afro
Mortainius stared mutely at him
"Well I'd love to chat, Morty boy. But I must dash" said Moebius as he breezed past him "Catch you later"
Mortainius stood with an expression of pure confusion etched onto his face
"Moebius...... hair....... That surely must be one of the signs of the apocalypse" he thought to himself
Thaddeus was a nobleman. Why? Because he was noble ... and a man
Oh, and his family had enough money and influence that they could practically buy guardianship of one of the pillars of Nosgoth.
But apparently they were not rich enough to buy him a surname
Anyway. It was a quiet day in Coorhagen. Thaddeus sat out side a Tavern drinking a Coors Light and eating some Hagen-Dass because he was in a patriotic mood
He wondered quietly to himself what noblemen actually did
Probably something manly.... And noble. But what that was exactly escaped him at the moment
A young women however broke this train of thought when she sauntered up to him
"Looking for a good time?" She asked
"No thanks" said Thaddeus dismissively as he took a swig of some Coors
"Don't say no until you've seen these!" She said dramatically as she opened up her top
Thaddeus looked appraisingly at her
"How much?" he asked eventually
"10 gold pieces"
"pah! For that much I want something a whole lot better than those!" as he returned to his ice-cream
"Are you joking? These are 100% real! She said in an almost insulted tone "go on! Touch one!"
Thaddeus sighed tiredly before he reached out to touch them
"Okay, they're real." He said after his inspection "quite nice too"
"You don't have to tell me that" she said smugly
"Fine, I'll pay" said Thaddeus as he took a couple of gold pieces out of his pocket "I'll have that one on the right"
"Excellent choice, Sir" she said as she removed the watch from the inside of her jacket
"These better keep good time like you promised" said Thaddeus as he strapped the watch to his wrist
"Oh they will" she assured him "they've all got the time streamer seal of approval"
Well, nice doing business with you miss..?
"Umah" she replied
"Well good day to you miss Umah"
She smiled at him before she ran off looking for more customers
Thaddeus returned to his Hagen-Daas and his contemplation of what he'd do with his life
Moments later he was once again interrupted, this time by a loud crashing noise from inside the tavern behind him
He was about go inside to investigate when someone on the street shouted at him
"You!" a peasant hissed, it's eyes glowing with a green luminous light
"yes?" Said Thaddeus as he turned to face him
Suddenly two more peasants appeared , their eyes also glowing with a luminous green light
"Destroy him!" cried the first peasant pointing his finger at Thaddeus
They screamed and ran at Thaddeus
In the spilt second Thaddeus had before they would reach him he wondered what was the noble thing to do
And when that didn't help he grabbed the tub of Hagen-Daas and rammed it down onto the leading peasants head
The other peasants froze in their tracks and watched him flail around madly
The peasant screamed as it attempted to remove the ice cream tub from it's head
"BRAIN FREEZE!! He screamed before he fell to the ground motionless
Thaddeus compromised on the situation and broke the Coors light bottle over one the other peasants.
He swayed for a second before he crumpled onto the ground
Thaddeus laughed triumphantly and turned to face the final peasant
"Not so tough now, eh?!" Thaddeus shouted angrily
The peasant suddenly begin to twist and writhe in agony as it mutated into a demonic form
It's misshapen head smiled at Thaddeus before it swatted him into a wall with it's a flick of it's wrist
Thaddeus hit the wall with a bone crushing force and he slid slowly to the ground
The creature began to walk towards him to finish him off.
That of course didn't happen. A Telekinetic blast flew out of the tavern Thaddeus had been sitting in front of earlier and lifted creature off it's feet and sent it hurtling through the wall of one of the many brothels of Nosgoth
A man wearing what looked suspiciously innkeeper like clothes and a pair of sunglasses strode out of the tavern. He grabbed Thaddeus hand and pulled him to his feet
"Come vith me if you vant to live" he said
Thaddeus didn't know what to do, he didn't want to get crushed into tiny pieces by that creature but then again he didn't want to follow a guy who could send the aforementioned creature though a brick wall
He didn't get the chance to decide either as the mysterious man lifted him up and threw him up onto a horse drawn cart and together they sped out of the town
Several minutes later the demonic creature now once again in his peasant from stumbled to his with feet with several lipstick marks on his collar
It looked out the giant whole in the brothel wall and grimaced as he saw the retreating figure of Thaddeus and the mysterious man
He then shrugged and decided he'd might as well make the best of the situation
He then rather enthusiastically returned to the brothel floor
Ariel and Nupraptor strolled happily through the Strongholds garden
"Nice day" said Ariel happily
"Yes, I knew it would be a nice day!" Said Nupraptor dramatically
"Of course you did dear"
"You doubt my power?!" Said Nupraptor angrily "I'll prove my powers!"
"No, it's all right" said Ariel quickly but it was too late, Nupraptor had already pulled a spoon out of his pocket
"Bend! Bend!" He chanted as he stared at the spoon
Ariel sighed but continued walking. It'd be hours before he stopped that
She looked around and saw Bane cutting the grass in the corner of the garden
She was just about to go and talk to him when he was ambushed by a hedge
Bane liked plants, but the feeling wasn't mutual
Ariel considered helping him but the plants would just wait till she'd left
So as she watched Bane get pulled into the undergrowth and Nupraptor attempt to destroy one of the only remaining spoons from the stronghold kitchen she searched for someone to talk to
Because if she didn't find anyone she'd just start talking to herself and probably lamenting
Then suddenly, a vision of serene beauty entered the garden.
Ariel couldn't help but to be drawn towards it
"Hello Ariel" said Moebius
"Moebius....... You seem... different" said an awed Ariel
"No, I think I'm pretty much like I usually am" said Moebius as he whipped out a hairbrush and started to comb his afro
"You look so much more.... Dashing and confident"
"Don't I know it babe" replied Moebius as he put on his sunglasses and adjusted his leather jacket "well I'd love to talk but I've got work to do"
Moebius walked out of the garden, his gold medallion glinting in the sunlight and Ariel stared contentedly after him
"I did it!" Said Nupraptor as he ran over to Ariel holding up a bent spoon which clearly had been thrown on the ground and stamped on
"Very nice dear" Ariel sighed as she took her eyes off Moebius
"Moebius is looking good" commented Nupraptor as they walked out of the gardens of the stronghold and headed home to the retreat
"Yeah..." said Ariel dreamily
In the spectral mists around the tomb of King William the Just, seven figures could be seen.
"Personally, I'd expected more from the afterlife" said Melchiah
"Yeah, like some life" agreed Zephon
"Or at least a white light" said Raziel
"You guys didn't get the white light?" Asked King William conversationally
The Sarafan shook there heads
"Ah you not missing much" said William dissmissively "You just walk into this light and then you hear this voice taking about a wheel. It just goes on and on and on. I got bored and wandered back here"
"How did you die anyways?" asked Dumah
"Oh, got killed by some really ugly looking guy. He just waltzed into my fortress and killed me. How about you guys?"
"Basically the same. Except our guy was blue" said Rahab
"And he renounced me!" added Raziel angrily
The brethren were silent for a moment
"Makes you wish you knew what renounced meant" commented Zephon
"Obviously it's when you nounce someone for a second time" said Melchiah
"I don't recall him nouncing me in the first place" said Raziel indignantly
"Guys! Could you please stop with the nouncing!" pleaded William
There was a strange popping noise
"Anyone hear that?" said Zephon
"Sounded like a strange popping noise to me" Said William
The brethren looked around
"Hey, where's Raziel" said Rahab
There was another popping noise and the brethren watched as Turel's soul was pulled out of the spectral ether to an unknown destination
"Oh no! We're all going to die!!" Wailed Dumah
"We are dead you twit!" Said Rahab
"Oh yeah"
There was another pop and this time Rahab, Dumah and Zephon disappeared
"No this isn't right!" said Melchiah
"Look just calm down it's...."
"How come I'm always last!?" Said Melchiah interrupting William
There was a pop and Melchiah disappeared
"Huh, guess those guys have gone to a better pla..." William Began
However William the Just was rudely interrupted by a loud popping noise and his own disappearance
Some phenomena have no manners
It was a quiet afternoon at Nupraptor's retreat.
Nupraptor was sitting on his couch doing the crossword while Ariel was frantically sketching pictures of Moebius when there was a knock on the door. Well knock on the giant tooth that acted as the door anyway
"I knew that would happen!" Nupraptor exclaimed as he leapt to his feet and ran top the door
Mortainius was standing at the door with a sleeping bag in his hand
"Ah Mortainius! I knew it was you!"
"Very nice. Can I stay in your place tonight? My room was flooded"
"But of course!" Said Nupraptor happily "but first I must show you my power!!"
"fine" said Mortainius tiredly
"okay, now.... I'll stop your watch!"
Nupraptor put his fingers against his head and began to hum
Mortainius took out his watch from his pocket
"It seems okay" said Mortainius
"What!? You didn't concentrate hard enough!" Nupraptor said accusingly "this is all your fault!"
Nupraptor slammed the door and ran into his retreat crying
Mortainius sighed. He already asked Dejoule if he could stay at her place, but she was busy looking for Bane and Anarcrothe was hiding in a cupboard as usual.
All that was left now was Azimuth
And she was scary
But come to think of it, so was he
So logically they should get famously
Confident in this knowledge Mortainius set off for Avernus
Vorador sat in his mansion with a goblet of blood
The goblet was empty, but Vorador knew it made him look cool
He was quiet content to sit there for a few hours looking cool but something was about to change
There was a strange disturbance coming from Willendorf and it seemed to be centred around one individual. Normally this wouldn't have bothered him, no need to interfere with the affairs of the cattle
But there was something so powerful, so distinct that it sent a chill down Vorador's spine. He got out of his chair calmly and walked slowly to his library
Walking past his hundreds of servants whose only purpose was to annoy Kain when he arrived a few years later.
He entered the library and walked over to a special bookshelf
He picked the book "A Deep and Comprehensive History of Nosgoth! All mysteries revealed!" and the book shelf swung backwards
He had made the book activate the secret door because he knew no one in Nosgoth would ever actually want to read the book since that somehow would be cheating.
He descended a large stairway until he finally reached his destination
A large mirror stood in front of him
Vorador cleared his throat and began to speak
"Mirror, mirror in the pits, who's the man who get all the chicks?"
"Shaft!" The mirror replied
Vorador grumbled to himself as he tried to think up a new rhyme question
"Mirror, mirror that I've found, who's the most attractive guy around?"
An image of a man appeared on the mirror
"Excluding Tom Jones!" Said Vorador gruffly
"But I like Tom Jones!" whined the mirror
"Just tell me who on Nosgoth is more attractive than me!" said Vorador angrily
"Ah ah! In rhyme please!"
Vorador glared at the mirror
"Er.... Or not" said the mirror as a picture appeared on it's surface
"No! it's not possible! Moebius!?! But he's so damn good looking!" Vorador gasped as a picture of Moebius dancing in Willendorf's hottest nightclub appeared
"Ah don't worry, you'll always be the second most attractive creature in Nosgoth" said the mirror reassuringly
Vorador squinted an looked at the mirror
"Hey! Those are my wives!" said Vorador pointing at the various figures clinging onto Moebius
"Oh yeah, look at em go" said a bored mirror
"No one steals my wives!" Vorador shouted angrily as he ran out of the room
"See you during you next mid-death crisis!" The mirror shouted after him as it put on it's Tom Jones record
Raziel opened his eyes slowly. Wherever he was it was dark. He felt around in the darkness and realised he seemed to be sealed in some sort of tomb. He concentrated and pushed up against the tombs cover.
It lifted off easily, far too easily
Something like that should weigh more
He sat up in his tomb and looked around the room
The place had torches on the walls and there seemed to be other tombs in the room
It was then he looked at his hands
He stared in mute horror
"Oh my god! What have I become?!!"
Hey heard a man laugh in the darkness
"Who's there?" said Raziel warily
The man stepped forward grinning at his new creation
Raziel leapt out of his tomb and in the flickering torch light he realised the true gravity of what had happened
"You've turned me into a puppet!" Raziel shouted waving a little felt fist at the man
Popeland: Mortainius, Homeless!
Moebius, Sexy!
The Sarafan, Puppetised!
And several unimportant characters doing stuff!
I can't take the excitement!
Please Review!!
And it's set before Defiance
Bet you didn't see that one coming!!
Yes, this is a montage of various fic ideas I've had. And instead of writing them all separately I've decide to merge them together in one super Story!
Or so the legend goes...
Anyway I do not own LoK
LoK standing for Legacy of Kain not Lumberjacks of Kingstown
Well, I don't own either of them actually so it's all good
In the depths of Avernus cathedral a dark and ancient ceremony was taking place
"Ha! Nachtolm street is mine!" Said a hooded Monk enthusiastically as he pointed at the board
"Damn" muttered a masked Cenobite "how much is that then?"
"Well I have two Taverns and one Brothel" the Monk said to himself as he calculated "that's 200 gold pieces"
"Fine" said the Cenobite as he threw some plastic coins over at the Monk " your roll"
The hooded monk picked up the dice and threw them. He got a five
"Ha! Said the Cenobite as he saw the Monk land on the pillars "Go to the Demon dimension! Go directly to the demon dimension, do not oppose via ancient magic, do not curse with immortality and sterility!"
"This game is stupid!" said the Monk as he picked up a book he had by his side
He opened it and flame burst forth from the pages and destroying the monopoly board
"Sore loser..." muttered the masked Cenobite
The giant doors that separated the catacombs from the cathedral swung open and Azimuth walked in
The two men jumped to their feet
"Lady Azimuth!" they both said
"Ah my loyal servants" she said "ready for the summoning?"
"Yes, lady Azimuth!" they both chimed
"You have the ancient prophecy and the device of rebirth and deliverance" she asked
"yes" said the monk as he took a tattered notebook page out of his pocket
"Got that device of rebirth and deliverance right here" said the Cenobite as he knelt to pick up a rather battered time streaming device that was being held together by string
"Excellent" said Azimuth as she rubbed her hands together "let the ceremony begin!"
The Monk cleared his throat and began to read the notebook page/ancient prophecy
"Great Hash ak Gik! Your power knows no limits! Your name strikes fear into the hearts of all"
"But yet your name is not a valid word in scrabble!" added the Cenobite
"Oh mighty hash ak Gik! Can you believe I'm getting this from someone who wouldn't even be able to spell scrabble!"
"Oh Supreme God! That was a low blow was it not!?"
"Ahem" said Azimuth threateningly
"Er, as I was saying" the Monk said quickly "We provide a vessel for you! Find it worthy and come to us!"
There was silence for a moment
"Press the button!" the Monk hissed
"Oh right" said the Cenobite as he pressed the big blue button on the time streaming device
There was a strange hissing noise and the time streaming device disappeared
The two men exchanged worried glances
"Well, where's the vessel?" Said Azimuth impatiently
"Oh, that .......well....that....." said the Cenobite slowly
"Will take some time!" said the Monk desperately
"Yeah! He should be here at the end of toda.." began the Cenobite
"The week!" interrupted the Monk
Azimuth looked at the two men who were smiling nervously and sweating profusely
"Very well, I shall return to this place in a weeks time" she said eventually "do not disappoint me"
Azimuth walked slowly out of the chamber and the doors swung shut behind her
"We're screwed" said the Cenobite
"Definitely" said the Monk as he crumpled up the ancient prophecy and threw it over his shoulder
"Still, considering I made that time streaming device out of a cereal box, Pva glue and some string I was quite impressed with the thing actually doing something" said the Cenobite thoughtfully
"You know if we don't have a vessel by the end of the week we're very, very dead"
"Indeed....."
"So you go steal a time streaming device from Moebius and I'll write a new ancient prophecy" the Monk suggested
"That hardly seems fair" Said the Cenobite unhappily
"I'll let you choose your piece in the next game of monopoly and you can have first go" said the Monk
"Ha! You fool!" the Cenobite shouted "I was going to do it anyway! The dog piece will be mine!!"
The Cenobite laughed madly as he ran out of the catacombs
The Monk scratched his head and gazed into the large pit where the vessel was supposed to appear
"Well, I guess time streaming devices are a bit trickier to make than we first thought" he mused to himself
Of course he was wrong
Miles away in a Coorhagen tavern there was a glimmer of light before a man appeared wearing no clothes
He looked around for a moment before he walked up to the Barkeeper and said
"I vill need your clothes and you horse drawn carriage"
In the Sarafan stronghold Mortainius was lying on his bed reading a book
"Foolish Potter boy" he chuckled to himself "as if he could beat someone with "Mort" in their name"
He was about to turn the page when he noticed a paper weight float past him
"Odd" he said to himself
He then wondered why bubbles came out of his mouth when he attempted to speak
And was the room supposed to be this blue and rippely?
It was then he realised
"MOEBIUS!!" he gurgled angrily as he swam to his door
He kicked the door down and a deluge of water cascaded into the corridors
The corridors were eerily silent as Mortainius made his way to Moebius's Time Streaming Chamber
Because when Mortainius is angry it pays to be eerily quiet
The giant doors of the Time Streaming Chamber were flung open
"Moebius!!? Where are you?!" Mortainius screamed
The chamber was filled with mist but Mortainius could make out a figure in the haze
"Care to explain why my room is now an extension of the Stronghold Lake?!" Mortainius shouted "You've been messing up the Time Line again haven't you!?"
"Chill out" said the figure , still obscured by the mist
"Chill out?! I've been in a room filled with ice cold water for God only knows how long! I think I'm sufficiently chilled!" snapped Mortainius "And get out of that damn mist!"
The figure emerged from the mist and Mortainius eyes widened in shock
"Your not Moebius" said Mortainius slowly
"Oh but I am!" Replied Moebius as he ran his fingers through his afro
Mortainius stared mutely at him
"Well I'd love to chat, Morty boy. But I must dash" said Moebius as he breezed past him "Catch you later"
Mortainius stood with an expression of pure confusion etched onto his face
"Moebius...... hair....... That surely must be one of the signs of the apocalypse" he thought to himself
Thaddeus was a nobleman. Why? Because he was noble ... and a man
Oh, and his family had enough money and influence that they could practically buy guardianship of one of the pillars of Nosgoth.
But apparently they were not rich enough to buy him a surname
Anyway. It was a quiet day in Coorhagen. Thaddeus sat out side a Tavern drinking a Coors Light and eating some Hagen-Dass because he was in a patriotic mood
He wondered quietly to himself what noblemen actually did
Probably something manly.... And noble. But what that was exactly escaped him at the moment
A young women however broke this train of thought when she sauntered up to him
"Looking for a good time?" She asked
"No thanks" said Thaddeus dismissively as he took a swig of some Coors
"Don't say no until you've seen these!" She said dramatically as she opened up her top
Thaddeus looked appraisingly at her
"How much?" he asked eventually
"10 gold pieces"
"pah! For that much I want something a whole lot better than those!" as he returned to his ice-cream
"Are you joking? These are 100% real! She said in an almost insulted tone "go on! Touch one!"
Thaddeus sighed tiredly before he reached out to touch them
"Okay, they're real." He said after his inspection "quite nice too"
"You don't have to tell me that" she said smugly
"Fine, I'll pay" said Thaddeus as he took a couple of gold pieces out of his pocket "I'll have that one on the right"
"Excellent choice, Sir" she said as she removed the watch from the inside of her jacket
"These better keep good time like you promised" said Thaddeus as he strapped the watch to his wrist
"Oh they will" she assured him "they've all got the time streamer seal of approval"
Well, nice doing business with you miss..?
"Umah" she replied
"Well good day to you miss Umah"
She smiled at him before she ran off looking for more customers
Thaddeus returned to his Hagen-Daas and his contemplation of what he'd do with his life
Moments later he was once again interrupted, this time by a loud crashing noise from inside the tavern behind him
He was about go inside to investigate when someone on the street shouted at him
"You!" a peasant hissed, it's eyes glowing with a green luminous light
"yes?" Said Thaddeus as he turned to face him
Suddenly two more peasants appeared , their eyes also glowing with a luminous green light
"Destroy him!" cried the first peasant pointing his finger at Thaddeus
They screamed and ran at Thaddeus
In the spilt second Thaddeus had before they would reach him he wondered what was the noble thing to do
And when that didn't help he grabbed the tub of Hagen-Daas and rammed it down onto the leading peasants head
The other peasants froze in their tracks and watched him flail around madly
The peasant screamed as it attempted to remove the ice cream tub from it's head
"BRAIN FREEZE!! He screamed before he fell to the ground motionless
Thaddeus compromised on the situation and broke the Coors light bottle over one the other peasants.
He swayed for a second before he crumpled onto the ground
Thaddeus laughed triumphantly and turned to face the final peasant
"Not so tough now, eh?!" Thaddeus shouted angrily
The peasant suddenly begin to twist and writhe in agony as it mutated into a demonic form
It's misshapen head smiled at Thaddeus before it swatted him into a wall with it's a flick of it's wrist
Thaddeus hit the wall with a bone crushing force and he slid slowly to the ground
The creature began to walk towards him to finish him off.
That of course didn't happen. A Telekinetic blast flew out of the tavern Thaddeus had been sitting in front of earlier and lifted creature off it's feet and sent it hurtling through the wall of one of the many brothels of Nosgoth
A man wearing what looked suspiciously innkeeper like clothes and a pair of sunglasses strode out of the tavern. He grabbed Thaddeus hand and pulled him to his feet
"Come vith me if you vant to live" he said
Thaddeus didn't know what to do, he didn't want to get crushed into tiny pieces by that creature but then again he didn't want to follow a guy who could send the aforementioned creature though a brick wall
He didn't get the chance to decide either as the mysterious man lifted him up and threw him up onto a horse drawn cart and together they sped out of the town
Several minutes later the demonic creature now once again in his peasant from stumbled to his with feet with several lipstick marks on his collar
It looked out the giant whole in the brothel wall and grimaced as he saw the retreating figure of Thaddeus and the mysterious man
He then shrugged and decided he'd might as well make the best of the situation
He then rather enthusiastically returned to the brothel floor
Ariel and Nupraptor strolled happily through the Strongholds garden
"Nice day" said Ariel happily
"Yes, I knew it would be a nice day!" Said Nupraptor dramatically
"Of course you did dear"
"You doubt my power?!" Said Nupraptor angrily "I'll prove my powers!"
"No, it's all right" said Ariel quickly but it was too late, Nupraptor had already pulled a spoon out of his pocket
"Bend! Bend!" He chanted as he stared at the spoon
Ariel sighed but continued walking. It'd be hours before he stopped that
She looked around and saw Bane cutting the grass in the corner of the garden
She was just about to go and talk to him when he was ambushed by a hedge
Bane liked plants, but the feeling wasn't mutual
Ariel considered helping him but the plants would just wait till she'd left
So as she watched Bane get pulled into the undergrowth and Nupraptor attempt to destroy one of the only remaining spoons from the stronghold kitchen she searched for someone to talk to
Because if she didn't find anyone she'd just start talking to herself and probably lamenting
Then suddenly, a vision of serene beauty entered the garden.
Ariel couldn't help but to be drawn towards it
"Hello Ariel" said Moebius
"Moebius....... You seem... different" said an awed Ariel
"No, I think I'm pretty much like I usually am" said Moebius as he whipped out a hairbrush and started to comb his afro
"You look so much more.... Dashing and confident"
"Don't I know it babe" replied Moebius as he put on his sunglasses and adjusted his leather jacket "well I'd love to talk but I've got work to do"
Moebius walked out of the garden, his gold medallion glinting in the sunlight and Ariel stared contentedly after him
"I did it!" Said Nupraptor as he ran over to Ariel holding up a bent spoon which clearly had been thrown on the ground and stamped on
"Very nice dear" Ariel sighed as she took her eyes off Moebius
"Moebius is looking good" commented Nupraptor as they walked out of the gardens of the stronghold and headed home to the retreat
"Yeah..." said Ariel dreamily
In the spectral mists around the tomb of King William the Just, seven figures could be seen.
"Personally, I'd expected more from the afterlife" said Melchiah
"Yeah, like some life" agreed Zephon
"Or at least a white light" said Raziel
"You guys didn't get the white light?" Asked King William conversationally
The Sarafan shook there heads
"Ah you not missing much" said William dissmissively "You just walk into this light and then you hear this voice taking about a wheel. It just goes on and on and on. I got bored and wandered back here"
"How did you die anyways?" asked Dumah
"Oh, got killed by some really ugly looking guy. He just waltzed into my fortress and killed me. How about you guys?"
"Basically the same. Except our guy was blue" said Rahab
"And he renounced me!" added Raziel angrily
The brethren were silent for a moment
"Makes you wish you knew what renounced meant" commented Zephon
"Obviously it's when you nounce someone for a second time" said Melchiah
"I don't recall him nouncing me in the first place" said Raziel indignantly
"Guys! Could you please stop with the nouncing!" pleaded William
There was a strange popping noise
"Anyone hear that?" said Zephon
"Sounded like a strange popping noise to me" Said William
The brethren looked around
"Hey, where's Raziel" said Rahab
There was another popping noise and the brethren watched as Turel's soul was pulled out of the spectral ether to an unknown destination
"Oh no! We're all going to die!!" Wailed Dumah
"We are dead you twit!" Said Rahab
"Oh yeah"
There was another pop and this time Rahab, Dumah and Zephon disappeared
"No this isn't right!" said Melchiah
"Look just calm down it's...."
"How come I'm always last!?" Said Melchiah interrupting William
There was a pop and Melchiah disappeared
"Huh, guess those guys have gone to a better pla..." William Began
However William the Just was rudely interrupted by a loud popping noise and his own disappearance
Some phenomena have no manners
It was a quiet afternoon at Nupraptor's retreat.
Nupraptor was sitting on his couch doing the crossword while Ariel was frantically sketching pictures of Moebius when there was a knock on the door. Well knock on the giant tooth that acted as the door anyway
"I knew that would happen!" Nupraptor exclaimed as he leapt to his feet and ran top the door
Mortainius was standing at the door with a sleeping bag in his hand
"Ah Mortainius! I knew it was you!"
"Very nice. Can I stay in your place tonight? My room was flooded"
"But of course!" Said Nupraptor happily "but first I must show you my power!!"
"fine" said Mortainius tiredly
"okay, now.... I'll stop your watch!"
Nupraptor put his fingers against his head and began to hum
Mortainius took out his watch from his pocket
"It seems okay" said Mortainius
"What!? You didn't concentrate hard enough!" Nupraptor said accusingly "this is all your fault!"
Nupraptor slammed the door and ran into his retreat crying
Mortainius sighed. He already asked Dejoule if he could stay at her place, but she was busy looking for Bane and Anarcrothe was hiding in a cupboard as usual.
All that was left now was Azimuth
And she was scary
But come to think of it, so was he
So logically they should get famously
Confident in this knowledge Mortainius set off for Avernus
Vorador sat in his mansion with a goblet of blood
The goblet was empty, but Vorador knew it made him look cool
He was quiet content to sit there for a few hours looking cool but something was about to change
There was a strange disturbance coming from Willendorf and it seemed to be centred around one individual. Normally this wouldn't have bothered him, no need to interfere with the affairs of the cattle
But there was something so powerful, so distinct that it sent a chill down Vorador's spine. He got out of his chair calmly and walked slowly to his library
Walking past his hundreds of servants whose only purpose was to annoy Kain when he arrived a few years later.
He entered the library and walked over to a special bookshelf
He picked the book "A Deep and Comprehensive History of Nosgoth! All mysteries revealed!" and the book shelf swung backwards
He had made the book activate the secret door because he knew no one in Nosgoth would ever actually want to read the book since that somehow would be cheating.
He descended a large stairway until he finally reached his destination
A large mirror stood in front of him
Vorador cleared his throat and began to speak
"Mirror, mirror in the pits, who's the man who get all the chicks?"
"Shaft!" The mirror replied
Vorador grumbled to himself as he tried to think up a new rhyme question
"Mirror, mirror that I've found, who's the most attractive guy around?"
An image of a man appeared on the mirror
"Excluding Tom Jones!" Said Vorador gruffly
"But I like Tom Jones!" whined the mirror
"Just tell me who on Nosgoth is more attractive than me!" said Vorador angrily
"Ah ah! In rhyme please!"
Vorador glared at the mirror
"Er.... Or not" said the mirror as a picture appeared on it's surface
"No! it's not possible! Moebius!?! But he's so damn good looking!" Vorador gasped as a picture of Moebius dancing in Willendorf's hottest nightclub appeared
"Ah don't worry, you'll always be the second most attractive creature in Nosgoth" said the mirror reassuringly
Vorador squinted an looked at the mirror
"Hey! Those are my wives!" said Vorador pointing at the various figures clinging onto Moebius
"Oh yeah, look at em go" said a bored mirror
"No one steals my wives!" Vorador shouted angrily as he ran out of the room
"See you during you next mid-death crisis!" The mirror shouted after him as it put on it's Tom Jones record
Raziel opened his eyes slowly. Wherever he was it was dark. He felt around in the darkness and realised he seemed to be sealed in some sort of tomb. He concentrated and pushed up against the tombs cover.
It lifted off easily, far too easily
Something like that should weigh more
He sat up in his tomb and looked around the room
The place had torches on the walls and there seemed to be other tombs in the room
It was then he looked at his hands
He stared in mute horror
"Oh my god! What have I become?!!"
Hey heard a man laugh in the darkness
"Who's there?" said Raziel warily
The man stepped forward grinning at his new creation
Raziel leapt out of his tomb and in the flickering torch light he realised the true gravity of what had happened
"You've turned me into a puppet!" Raziel shouted waving a little felt fist at the man
Popeland: Mortainius, Homeless!
Moebius, Sexy!
The Sarafan, Puppetised!
And several unimportant characters doing stuff!
I can't take the excitement!
Please Review!!
