A/N
This may be a one shot, depending on your views on it =]
Just tell me what you think and if you think it should stay a one shot or continue into a story!
Would love to hear your views.
She ran into the bathroom and looked around, her eyes wild with fear and panic. Crying, she closed the door behind her and slipped down, drawing her knees to her chest, her arms wrapped around herself, longing for the comfort she so often craved. She stared at the blank space in front of her, tears running heavily down her face. She would never let anyone see these tears, nobody was going to find out about her pain, she couldn't handle people knowing just how weak she actually was. They would look at her all the time, wondering when she was going to break, shatter into a thousand pieces, and never come back together again. She shook her head, she wouldn't let that happen. She was Agent Jareau, she was tough and nothing ever got to her, she wouldn't break down in front of anyone, nobody would ever know the real JJ, nobody would ever find out.
She finally sighs and stands up, walking over to the mirror, her hand shakes as she reaches out towards the face looking back at her. Her skin pale as snow, dark shadows surround her once blue eyes, now turning a dull Grey colour, her fingertips lightly danced along her protruding cheekbones and she smiles. She tries to convince herself that she is okay, she will be okay, even as she looks at the desperate, dying girl in the mirror, a mere shadow of her former self. The smile never reaches her eyes, it never does anymore, and she knows her friends and colleagues notice this, they see the colour of her eyes, and they know something is happening with her, all too scared to admit it to themselves.
She puts her hands down and shakes her head, looking at herself in the eyes, telling herself that she is right, this is the way you handle things, this is how you gain control of the mess that is your life.
Turning on the tap, all her movements almost robotic as she walks slowly over to the toilet, getting down on her knees and looking down into the porcelain bowl.
'We need control of this big mess, this is your punishment and you will accept it.'
Her whole body shakes as she hears that voice, the always present voice, telling her what to do, when to do it, how to do it... she wants to cry out for help, wants the voice to leave her alone once more, she wants to be in peace.
But this was her punishment for not protecting an innocent child, this was her punishment for letting some psycho shoot a small girl, this was her punishment for almost killing a child. She deserved every single bit of it, she didn't deserve help. Help was for victims, and she was not a victim, she was anything but.
She doesn't know what is right or wrong anymore, the voice inside her head clouds all the thoughts of work, her friends, her family. She doesn't even realize that the voice is wrong, she doesn't even remember the person she was before all of this, she convinces herself everyday that she doesn't want to remember that happy person she was not so long ago, but the truth is, she would give anything to be happy again.
She doesn't know who the person everyone seemed to love and care about so much is, she doesn't know where the person who would have never cared about menial things such as food and weight has gone. She has forgotten her, just like everyone else has. She has left her behind in a distant memory, and one day all she would be to her friends and family was just that – A fading memory.
When she is done she walks back over to the sink and splashes the cold water onto her face, looking up into the mirror, listening to the voice replaying in her head, telling her what everyone sees when they look at her, what everyone thinks of her. She tells herself that when she is told different to that voice, they are lying to her.. She is nothing, she is nobody. She would give nothing more than to fade into the background, wanting to forget everything who made her who she was, wanting to forget everyone who loved her and stared at her as she walked into work every single day, a little more fragile than the day before, a little thinner, quieter. She saw the look in their eyes when she walked past them, the look in their eyes which asked each other where their JJ had gone?
And she wanted nothing more than to scream out to them, she wanted to tell them that JJ was gone and she was never coming back because she was being punished for everything she had ever done wrong, every case she had rejected, every person that had died because of her. Everything.
'Nobody is ever going to love you, just look at yourself, you're ugly, worthless and you hurt people. But I can help you, I can make sure you forget all the pain, I can help you forget everything and everyone who has ever hurt you, everyone who you have ever hurt. I am the only one who loves you, I am the one you should listen to'
And she listens to that powerful voice, because she doesn't have anyone else to listen to. Nobody would ever be there for her, they had all given up on her as soon as they realized the self-destruct plan she was taking, they had detached themselves from the dying girl and now there was nobody left, nobody but that voice in her head, the one that felt so real, yet so far away...
Nobody is here to save her from herself, nobody – including herself – knows who she is anymore. She is just a shadow of her former self, disappearing more and more each day, until one day she would be nothing and then they would forget about her. It was easier this way, to just forget.
Where was the girl who would smile and laugh with her friends?
Where was the girl who would go out with her friends and stuff her face without a care in the world?
Where was the girl who never worried?
Where was she? Where did she go?
JJ knows the answers, this thing inside her, this thing that has consumed each and every part of her body, this thing that wrapped her in it's cold arms and made her feel safe, whispering comforting words into her ears and telling her that if she does as she is told then the punishments would be over, and there would be no more pain.
JJ only wanted to forget, she wanted to be numb. She wanted the pain to go away completely, and this thing gave her this. It took all the feelings away from her, sending them back to her when she did something wrong, when she went against the rules. The punishments come, she hasn't learned yet that they are going to keep on coming. She can't escape.
She sinks down to the floor as more tears find their way to her stinging eyes, dripping down her face, landing on the floor with a small drop. She can feel her whole body shaking as she wraps into herself as tight as she possibly can, how far can she take this? How far has she already gone? She has lost everyone she ever loved, anyone close to her has long gone. And for what?
Perfection? Starvation? Control?
Nothing?
She sighs and lays down onto the cold, bathroom floor, ignoring the stabbing pain in her chest and stomach as she closes her eyes. She puts her hand on her stomach as she lays on her side, counting each breath she takes, her body shaking with each exhaled breath. And for the first time in months, she ignores the voice telling her everything is going to be okay, the one telling her that there is no pain. But the pain takes over her whole body, burning at her insides, her whole body shaking as she tries to ignore the feeling. Biting her lip to stop herself from screaming out loud in pain.
Slowly, really slowly, she gets up. The pain shoots through her, burning every muscle, every bone, her body shakes with the pressure of standing up. Her head sways as she looks around the room, but she stands up against the wall, holding herself up. She moves over blindly to the sink, hoping the water will take away the burning pain away, she drinks some slowly, her eyes closed, no colour in her face. She looks at herself once more in the mirror, lifting up her shaking hands to touch her face, no longer knowing who she is looking at anymore.
"You deserve all the pain you get.." She whispers to herself. She wants to ignore the pain, she doesn't want to feel anything anymore, she wants it all to end. She stares at her reflection, gritting her teeth,
"You promised me you would take it all away, you said I wouldn't feel anything anymore. You lied!" She screams at herself, smashing the mirror with her clenched fist. And in that one moment, she hates herself more than she ever has before, she never thought it would be possible. But for the first time she hates herself for letting herself get like this, she hates herself for letting this become her life. She don't know how to control anything anymore, nothing is the same.
"I gave up everything for you." She cries as she sinks to the floor, wrapping her arms around herself, putting her head into her lap. The pain throbs, but she ignores it. She doesn't need the pain, she only needs somebody to hold her. She doesn't want to be like this anymore.
She sighs when she hears the voice in her head laugh, "You can't ever get rid of me, you are so weak, so feeble." She shakes her head and covers her ears, hoping it would help. "Punish yourself for thinking such things, I want you to get up and get that razor. Do it now!" It screams at her, she can't forget about it anymore, she can't think about anything else in that one moment. She gets up, no longer feeling the pain that once pinned her to the floor. Sometimes the only way to forget the pain is to cause more pain, she knew that better than anyone. She grabs the razor mechanically, not really thinking of anything else, only focusing on her skin and the razor about to make contact with it.
She stares at the dark, red blood dripping down her arm and she drops the razor to the floor, she stands there for a moment and looks at the blood. She takes one last look before she drops to the floor, she shakes her head and closes her eyes, hoping it will be the last time she ever sees this life. The life that has caused her so much pain and onliness, the life in which everyone she ever loved left her.
She wasn't she same girl anymore.
Nobody knew who she was and nobody wanted to stick around long enough to wait for her to ask for help.
Nobody seemed to care enough.
She shook her head and sighed, not opening her eyes, afraid that if she did then the dizziness would go away and she would be okay. She didn't want to be okay, she wanted to feel nothing, she wanted to be dead.
And that hurt more than anything else could.
The need.
The want.
The suffering.
She wanted to die.
Nothing else could hurt more than that.
And then she felt it, the warmth of someone else, wrapping their arms around her fragile, shaking, dying body and whispering words into her ears. She dares to open her eyes and looks at her person holding her in a tight embrace, shouting out orders to phone an ambulance.
"You care.." JJ whispers, trying to not close her eyes,
"I never stopped caring, none of us did. You're the only one who stopped caring baby girl." Garcia looked down at her best friend, tears falling down her face. Her best friend, the one who she had watched fade away for two whole months, the one who refused to talk to anyone, just sit in her office and do all the files she could. She girl who had somehow landed on the bathroom floor, blood dripping from her arm, her pale face, sick embedded into her blonde hair,
"You're going to be okay." Garcia looked up and smiled at her other best friend, Emily, as she held JJ's hand. The girl nodded and smiled a little,
"I don't wanna do this anymore, I want to be happy again." She whispered to them, looking over at the door of her bathroom, Reid was pale, Morgan seemed to be holding him up as he tried to look away from the scene before his eyes. And Hotch as on the phone, shouting down at them that he was FBI and if they didn't get there soon then he would have their butts on the line.
"Reid,she will be okay." Morgan whispered to the younger agent, trying not to look at the woman he considered his little sister laying on the floor, close to death.
"Was this what it felt like when you found me?" Reid couldn't stop looking at her, his eyes wide with fear, his breath quickened as he thought about the woman he loved, his best friend, how much pain she was in and how he didn't help her.
"I thought you were going to die..." Morgan whispered, looking down at the floor.
"Will she be okay?"
"I think we got here in time." Morgan nodded, looking over at Hotch,
"How did they know?" He nodded to the two women comforting JJ, tears running down their faces,
"They're close,when they said something was wrong they just knew... when she didn't answer the phone, they panicked and I am glad they did..." Morgan sighed, understanding the closeness people can have to each other, understanding how it felt to find your best friend laying there on the brink of death at their own doing.
"I just knew something was wrong with you..." Reid nodded,
"Love can be a strong thing, sometimes too strong."
"I don't love you man." Morgan backed up, grinning, his hands held up,
"I know, that's not what I meant, love can be different... friends can love each other..." Reid shook his head, not seeing the humor in the situation as he looked at her,
"Should I tell her that I love her?" He asked Morgan,
"You should, you may never get another chance.." Hotch said as he walked in between the two men, walking towards half his team. Reid knew he was right, Morgan nodded at him.
"Tell her, it may make her feel better." Reid smiled a little and walked over to her, wanting to let her know he was going to be there for her all the way through this. Wanting to hold her hand before the ambulance came, hoping it would be there soon for her sake.
He looked at her pale face and smiled,
"I love you..." He told her, confident for once, willing to tell the dying girl how he felt, wondering for every single moment after if she felt the same,
"I love you too." She lifted up a hand to his face and touched it gently, smiling lovingly, as he grabbed her hand and squeezed it, never breaking the eye contact they had. Watching as the familiar blue of her beautiful eyes slowly returned. Knowing she would be okay soon, it would all be over and she would be the JJ they all knew and loved. He couldn't hope for anything more. She was going to be okay and she loved him, maybe it would be a happy ending after all, he told himself as he watched the paramedics carry her away from him, safe into the arms of professionals who would help her like they had done him over a year ago.
JJ let go of his hand and closed her eyes, hoping for the first time in ages that she would be safe once more. Hoping her happy ending would come soon.
