Chapter Ⅰ

Kieren

I knew I had to get out. Out of Roarton. Out of my parents house. Just out. Somewhere to clear my head. I dunno for how long. As long as it takes to not feel this way. To not feel like shit.

Why I chose London, I don't know. I always enjoyed London, such a gorgeous city at night and such a drastic difference to the town I grew up in.

But I also knew I had a home in London. Someone I knew who would take me in when I had no where else to go. Nevertheless, I was nervous. Anxious that he might have changed. Prison tends to do that to people.

Lucien and I met just before I entered high school. He had just moved to the quaint town of Roarton, in the house just next to mine, finding it to be way different than his home in Dublin. He was going to UNI in the next town over and decided to just move alongside his family. To this day, I don't know why we became as close as we did. He liked all the same music as me, causing that to be the major fuel to the fire. We would often hang out and he'd help me with my school work and he would sometimes watch Jem while our parents were out. The almost 10 year age gap never seemed to be a problem for the both of us. We just got on, him always being someone there for me when no one else was.

But then he moved to London when I was 17 because it was better for his job but it was hard. Rick tried to be supportive but he also got on with Lu, and it just made things harder. Luckily, I was allowed to visit often, staying with him and hanging with his kids when he got the chance to have em. But then he got charged with sexual assault, framed by a woman who was envious of his new life with his new girlfriend. And so, he ended up in prison for a year, and that was the end of me seeing him. Until now.

I don't know what I expected to see when he opened the door. I guess something more rugged and tired, maybe a beard and a more bulky, built body. But no, Lucien was still just as he was, tall, lean, and clean shaven. His hair was styled differently now, pushed upright and looked a darker shade of brown. The scar across his right eye now sat behind these black frame glasses that suited him more than his round ones before. He now had a slim, black piece of metal that was pierced into his lip; that seemed to suit him too.

"Kieren?" His eyes grew wide, his mouth still open as if he was about to protest me being here. I nod slightly at him and walk past him into his flat. Nothing's changed about it since the last time I had been there. He still had this dimly lit, minimal furniture thing going on but then again, it's not like he had all this

time to redecorate.

I drop by bag by his sofa and turn to face him. He still stood in the doorway, the door wide open and I watch as a couple passed behind him in the hallway, taking a brief, confused glance inside. "Alright, Lucien?"

"Alright." He nods and turns slowly to close the door. "Jesus." He makes his way over to me and grabs my shoulders, pulling me into his tight embrace. And just like that we fell back into how we were when he left. It was alway easy with Lu, the way he could just automatically light up a room with his presence and make you feel genuinely wanted. It's good to know prison hadn't changed that.

He slowly releases his grip and takes a step back, his hands still resting on my shoulders. "I hope you don't mind, me being here without so much as a notice. I just—I couldn't—"

" 'S alright, yeah? Your mum phoned me, worried, said you'd left. Guess I thought this'd be the last place you'd come."

"Just because you've seen the inside of some lush prison don't mean anythings changed, does it. 'Cos I still don't think you are badass." I smile slightly, the first time in a long time. He always had that effect.

"Hm, well, lush is not a word I would use to describe it. Glad you think you're funny." He rolls his eyes and walks behind me and towards the kitchen. "I'll put the kettle on, yeah?"

He goes to fish out the pot from the cupboard and I hop up onto the countertop, watching as he puts it onto the stove.

"Lu?"

"Hm?"

"Why'd you come back here?"

"What do 'ya mean?"

"I just figured- I dunno. Thought you'd go back to Ireland. Be close to the kids." I think my question startles him and the fact that I probably shouldn't have mentioned them only just hits me.

He shook his head with annoyance and amusement, "Heh, Trish ain't letting me anywhere near them. It's not like they know me well anyways or that they even want to. Not with all the shit she puts in their heads."

"How old are they now? Can't Fin make his own decision whether he want to see you or not?"

"Fin—Finbars' only 10. I suppose if he wanted to he could ask but I'm not sure how it would go down with his mum." He shrugs, looking off to god knows where, his eyes sad.

I nod, deciding to leave it at that. His kids were always such a touchy subject. His ex-wife, Trisha, cheated on him, multiple times and each time Lu ignored it for the sake of the kids. They were- are everything to him. But Trisha had other plans and kicked him out, breaking off the marriage and starting a new one with this fancy lawyer who she claims is a better influence.

I swing my feat for a moment then hop off out of curiosity of the open bedroom door.

"Parker live with you? Didn't know you two were back together." It was just an assumption. A stupid one at that because why in the hell would they be sleeping in two separate rooms. I should really stop that.

"We're not. I dunno. We're working things out. Kol don't want me near her kids, so. We're getting there."

"You got a roommate, then?" I step more into the bedroom and flick the light on. It's obvious someone else lives here. Possibly his younger brother by the looks of it. There are clothes scattered on the floor and the bed a mess. Maybe Lu enjoyed sleeping in a smaller bed since prison.

"Yeah, me mate Simon. We grew up together back in Ireland. Came to see me in prison often. In the process of getting rehabilitated from drugs and such." Lucien paused for a moment in the door frame and then walked in and sat on the bed, glancing at the photo on the nightstand. "He's all I got at the moment." He shook his head and exited the room, leaving me to follow him out.

I grab a seat at the table, running my fingers through my hair and sighing. After a minute, he joins me and hands me a warm mug and noisily sips his. "Tell me about Rick, then. You still all...lovey dovey?" He shimmies his shoulders a bit and smiles, obviously wanting all the gossip I have to offer. And this is the moment I had waited for. The moment that made me so anxious in coming in the first place. Lu knew Rick. Knew what we had. Knew how much I felt for him.

I take a couple of deep breaths and simply shake my head, too quick to not be questioned. My eyes stung and my hands instinctively moved to rub at them frantically. I could still feel my head moving back and forth and I could hear the sound of Lucien's chair skidding on the wood floor and I could feel his presence kneeling beside me.

"Kieren. Kieren it's okay, right. Cos he wasn't good for you in my opinion."

My breath got caught in my throat and I was outright sobbing now. My chest heaving and gasping for air and my face still cradled in my hands, the sleeves of my sweater becoming stained.

I wanted to tell him. Wanted to tell him Rick was dead and wasn't coming back. That he left me without so much as a goodbye like I was nothing. That no matter the amount of letters I sent, I never seemed to get one back.

I feel a hand on my back and I jump at the sudden touch. He moves my chair over so he can extend his arms around me, my face becoming buried in his chest. He doesn't mention Rick for the rest of the night.

"You can stay as long as you'd like, you know that, yeah?" I followed him into one of the spare bedrooms. I'd forgotten how big his flat actually was, guess I just never noticed. He flips the light on and we both step inside, him dropping my bag on the bed, one a bit larger than the one I had back at home.

"Thank you." I breathe, relieved to know he was okay with me staying. I don't know why I was so worried.

He simply nods and and walks over to close the curtains in the off chance I forget to do so myself. Nobody likes to be woken up by the sun.

"I know you didn't do it." I don't know what had come over me and caused me to say it. I guess I just want to reassure him.

"Pardon?"

"Sexual assault. I know you didn't do it. You'd never."

Lucien smiles and nods. "Good to know I'm believed by some."

But it's your fault you went in, right, cos you hit that cop who tried to take you in."

Lucien smiles, shrugging his shoulders as if it was nothing, "He was rude. Rude and disrespectful. Asking for it in my opinion, he was."

How he can not allow the fact that he went to prison not affect him, I will never know. I just wonder if things would be different if he hadn't. Maybe he could have talked Rick out of leaving for the Army. I dunno… I never will.

It's late. Or at least it feels that way. Lucien had left the room, begging me to get some rest and promising we could talk in the morning. I was tired, no doubt, but I could hardly ever fall asleep. Not when I could lie awake and stare into the dark and just think. Think about how fucked up everything seems to be and how it'd just be easier if I would just-it doesn't matter. Nights are always hard. My body ached to get out of bed and go to the connected bathroom with a small razor digging into my fist. I was just about to make way too, but there was a knock at the door.

I didn't answer. Not only did the sound make me jump, it was as if I was scared that Lucien would automatically know what I was thinking of doing. Plus, I had changed out of my long sleeved, my arms now exposed.

He came in anyways.

"Kier you awake?" He whispers, his head poking through the door. The lights were still one, I guess he just want to make sure.

"Yup."

"Ah good." He opens the door and comes in, taking a seat at the edge of the bed. I drag up the blanket to cover me up to my shoulders. I must look like an outright weirdo but thats better then him seeing. "I have to go out for a bit. Not long. Just got to pick up Simon at the center. You need anything while I'm out?"

I shake my head, and he nods getting up to go but he stops suddenly before leaving, his back towards me.

"You know you can talk to me, right? Cos I'm here for you. I care."

I don't say anything, he knows I know this. It's always nice to be reassured.

He doesn't turn to look at me, just sighs and nods his head slightly, "Get some rest, yeah?"

I hum in response, my eyes glued to the ceiling.

He leaves, closing the door behind him.

I don't get up that night. The razors in my bag remained untouched, for now.

I sleep with the lights on.