This is what it used to mean to be Damon Salvatore: death, darkness, misery. Even as a human the few bright spots in his life had been the short time spent with his mother, the days of running around with Stefan, the nights of lying in bed with Katherine. One would die and the other two would betray him. Betrayal. To have everyone betray you, that's what it had meant to be Damon Salvatore.

What it had cost him; his humanity. When Stefan turned him, the anger, the hatred, the loss of Katherine was magnified. So he clung to those because the other option would have been to feel it all. To feel the pain, the ache at having lost the people he loved. But instead he had left his humanity behind, by the old stream along with his little brother and his first victim back in 1864 where it belonged.

This is what it means to be Damon Salvatore now: hope, redemption, Elena Gilbert. A girl who sees past the monster, who despite his best efforts has shown him a better way of life. He has a brother again, a town that almost, if not quite respects him now. And it started with her because she saw something in him worth saving. Damon Salvatore was worth saving. He is worth something to her.

What it's costing him; his soul. Because he loves her but she is Stefan's and for the first time tonight, he gets that. He doesn't deserve her. What he had been, what he was close to becoming everyday again, would corrupt her, twist her into the darkness he'd spent 145 years lost in. He wouldn't do that to her. He won't be selfish with her. Can't be selfish.

Damon downs the rest of his bourbon, slamming the glass down on the bar countertop. Pushing himself to his feet, he pulls a wad of cash out his wallet, throwing it down next to his now empty glass. He wasn't going to compel the bartender for free drinks as he usual did. Not tonight.

Tonight he wanted to feel human again. He wanted to feel it all for one last time. Because come tomorrow he would need to shove it all aside once again. To protect Elena. So for now, he allowed himself to remember what it had meant to him to be human.