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Baby Grace

I held you one night,
I was scared to get to close to you,
everything I touch dies;
I did not want to kill you.

I waited,
three weeks after you were born;
I watched you sleep and looked at you,
so beautiful.

I could not have made you,
because when I look at you,
I see an angel,
I see my heaven.

When I first held you,
you did not cry,
you woke up,
and looked at me.

It was that one moment,
something I can never forget,
but unlike the other memory,
I will always cherish it.

I remember Tony asking if he wanted us to start go out again,
I did not want to leave you at first,
it was as though we were already inseparable,
already I was planning your future,

My baby girl.

I remember having that night,
my one night of freedom,
the thought that this would be it for a long time,
little did I know it was the beginning of freedom.

I came home and there were the girls,
talking and laughing away,
they said they had just checked on you,
I was thanking them for a lie.

I heard Tony run back downstairs,
my blood was freezing,
I thought he had forgotten something at the restaurant,
I prayed that a watch was gone.

He told me to ring the ambulance,
but I ran past him,
up the stairs,
into your room.

I peaked over the crib,
and you were lying there,
sleeping like my angel,
but your face was at rest.

Instead it was almost like you had tried to get to sleep,
but something had stopped you,
the endless sleep,
I screamed as I knew it had taken you.

I denied myself this thought,
and picked you up and held you,
I stroked your head and kissed your cheeks,
nothing.

I ran downstairs,
Tony I screamed,
you have to do something,
I would be lying if I said save your little girl.

I clung onto you,
remembering what the doctor had said,
keep her always warm when cold,
I gave you all my love and warmth.

I waited until the ambulance came,
I asked if there is anything they could do,
but I did not want them,
I was begging them.

The ambulance man asked to hold you to look at you,
but I could not let you go,
as you needed me,
but I really needed you.

I knew if I let you go,
you would think I did not care,
but I was scared when they said I had to if I wanted to help you,
so I gave you help with me being reluctant.

I was held in two sets of arms,
Tony tried to comfort me,
but his sadness made it double the pain,
so the ambulance woman cared for me.

It is strange,
that when she held me,
it helped to know she was there,
but she had not even met me before.

We waited for twelve minutes,
then they said they would take her to the hospital,
they said you were gone,
but I was not listening.

I refused to listen,
to this lie,
they wanted you as you were perfect,
but you were mine and I was not going to let you go.

Two weeks and even at your funeral,
I knew they had taken you,
taken away the world's perfect baby,
my baby.

The day I realised was the day another was born,
another grace,
but I called her hope,
as that was all I had left.

I didn't leave her side at night,
I waited for three months,
with all I had with me,
my hope and faith and my grace.

I remembered you then,
I realised you were truly gone,
but I did not cry,
not then anyway.

I waited till Tony took Hope to the park,
I left them as it was their time,
then I went to see you,
your beautiful white headstone.

I cried out everything that I had denied,
but in joy not sadness or anger,
joy that it all made sense and you were not stolen,
joy that I could release you.

You are gone,
but not forgotten,
my grace,
my faith and hope.

God bless my sweetheart.