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Baby Grace
I
held you one night,
I
was scared to get to close to you,
everything
I touch dies;
I
did not want to kill you.
I
waited,
three
weeks after you were born;
I
watched you sleep and looked at you,
so
beautiful.
I
could not have made you,
because
when I look at you,
I
see an angel,
I
see my heaven.
When
I first held you,
you
did not cry,
you
woke up,
and
looked at me.
It
was that one moment,
something
I can never forget,
but
unlike the other memory,
I
will always cherish it.
I
remember Tony asking if he wanted us to start go out again,
I
did not want to leave you at first,
it
was as though we were already inseparable,
already
I was planning your future,
My baby girl.
I
remember having that night,
my
one night of freedom,
the
thought that this would be it for a long time,
little
did I know it was the beginning of freedom.
I
came home and there were the girls,
talking
and laughing away,
they
said they had just checked on you,
I
was thanking them for a lie.
I
heard Tony run back downstairs,
my
blood was freezing,
I
thought he had forgotten something at the restaurant,
I
prayed that a watch was gone.
He
told me to ring the ambulance,
but
I ran past him,
up
the stairs,
into
your room.
I
peaked over the crib,
and
you were lying there,
sleeping
like my angel,
but
your face was at rest.
Instead
it was almost like you had tried to get to sleep,
but
something had stopped you,
the
endless sleep,
I
screamed as I knew it had taken you.
I
denied myself this thought,
and
picked you up and held you,
I
stroked your head and kissed your cheeks,
nothing.
I
ran downstairs,
Tony
I screamed,
you
have to do something,
I
would be lying if I said save your little girl.
I
clung onto you,
remembering
what the doctor had said,
keep
her always warm when cold,
I
gave you all my love and warmth.
I
waited until the ambulance came,
I
asked if there is anything they could do,
but
I did not want them,
I
was begging them.
The
ambulance man asked to hold you to look at you,
but
I could not let you go,
as
you needed me,
but
I really needed you.
I
knew if I let you go,
you
would think I did not care,
but
I was scared when they said I had to if I wanted to help you,
so
I gave you help with me being reluctant.
I
was held in two sets of arms,
Tony
tried to comfort me,
but
his sadness made it double the pain,
so
the ambulance woman cared for me.
It
is strange,
that
when she held me,
it
helped to know she was there,
but
she had not even met me before.
We
waited for twelve minutes,
then
they said they would take her to the hospital,
they
said you were gone,
but
I was not listening.
I
refused to listen,
to
this lie,
they
wanted you as you were perfect,
but
you were mine and I was not going to let you go.
Two
weeks and even at your funeral,
I
knew they had taken you,
taken
away the world's perfect baby,
my
baby.
The
day I realised was the day another was born,
another
grace,
but
I called her hope,
as
that was all I had left.
I
didn't leave her side at night,
I
waited for three months,
with
all I had with me,
my
hope and faith and my grace.
I
remembered you then,
I
realised you were truly gone,
but
I did not cry,
not
then anyway.
I
waited till Tony took Hope to the park,
I
left them as it was their time,
then
I went to see you,
your
beautiful white headstone.
I
cried out everything that I had denied,
but
in joy not sadness or anger,
joy
that it all made sense and you were not stolen,
joy
that I could release you.
You
are gone,
but
not forgotten,
my
grace,
my
faith and hope.
God bless my sweetheart.
