7th Heaven

"Dealing with the Death of a Loved One"

(REVEREND & ANNIE are laying in bed together in the early morning making out)

ERIC: Last night was wonderful.

ANNIE: Shut up sex drone and pleasure me.

ERIC: (meekly) Yes ma'am.

(a knock sounds at the door)

ANNIE: (muttering) Oh those stupid little…

(MATT enters)

ANNIE: My beautiful darling! Good morning!

ERIC: Yes, good morning Matt, our eldest son who can't keep a job. How are you?

MATT: (sigh)I wish Heather was here. (pause) Or Shana, or Amanda, or Amy…

[making up names here in case you were wondering, not that big of a geek]

(SIMON & RUTHIE burst in)

ANNIE: Look, it's our youngest children, Simon and Ruthie!

ERIC: Wait, what happened to the twins.

ANNIE: Remember, we put them up for adoption for my… twenty-fifth birthday present.

ERIC: Don't you mean f—

(ANNIE slaps him)

MATT: …or Nicole, or Jacky, or…

SIMON: Mother, father, tell Ruthie to keep her stuffed animals off my bed! I'm too cool for that!

RUTHIE: You wish you were cool Simon! (everyone smiles merrily. Ruthie puts hand on her hips and tilts her head knowingly) Mommy, daddy, you've been having SEX haven't you?????? Heeheeheehee!

EVERYONE: Oh how adorable!

(A knock on the door. MARY enters. REV sighs and shakes his head.)

ERIC: Hello Mary, our eldest but troubled daughter.

ANNIE: Mary you're my favorite daughter! Here's a $100!

MATT: …or that girl with the dike hair cute…

(LUCY enters)

LUCY: But Mary's a trouble maker! Why does everyone like her more than me?

ANNIE: Silence whelp! Mary is our prodigal dau—

ERIC: Hush! No Biblical terms please.

MATT: Besides, everyone knows Ruthie is the favorite daughter.

RUTHIE: Technically Matt is correct. Even before I was concieved I was regarded as the favorite daughter of the family.

MATT: (laughs) You're so right Ruthie! Isn't she cute?

EVERYONE: AWWWWWWWWWW

ERIC: Now all five of our children are here.

ANNIE: Yes, here is all five of my children.

RUTHIE: Geez, subtle our parents aint.

EVERYONE: Oh you're so precocious!

(Suddenly Ruthie dies)

MARY: Awwww—wait! (peers at Ruthie) Is some… wr… (shakes her head) never mind. I'm going to make out with someone in front of the family.

(Pulls a "hot" [which in 7th Heaven terms means ugly or gay looking] hunk out of the closet and begins making out with him.)

ERIC: (wincing) Mary… Mary, please… don't…

MARY: But you and mom do it in front of everyone!

ANNIE: She's right hunny, Mary, you go right ahead.

SIMON: Wait everyone, I think something's wrong with Ruthie! She's stopped making witty, precocious remarks!

ANNIE: Leave her alone! Maybe she's just TIRED!! (snarls at everyone)

LUCY: No, actually I think she's… she's DEAD!

SIMON: No! We can fix her! I'll use my untold millions I've earned playing the stock market.

ERIC: Actually I'll just call Srg. Michaels.

THE KIDS: Good old Srg. Michaels!

(REV picks up the phone. Cut to Michaels)

MIKE: Hello?

ERIC: Ruthie's dead, get over here right away!

(they hang up)

ERIC: Srg. Michaels is on his way.

SIMON: Just a minute. Didn't Ruthie steal my Red lightning ring?

MATT: Hey… yeah… and didn't she hide my girlfriend's letters from me?

LUCY: And isn't she just an all around pain?

MARY: On second thought, I'm glad Ruthie's gone.

MATT: Me too.

ANNIE: (muttering) One less brat to not worry about.

ERIC: Hunny, do you feel the same way as the kids?

ANNIE: I love my children!!! I'm a mother!!!!

(pause)

ERIC: Be that as it may…

ANNIE: Yeah, we can just… have… another one. (winks suggestively)

ERIC: Er… uh… ahem. Well kids, what important lesson have we learned from this?

SIMON: There is no God?

ERIC: Well I guess.

THE END