Author Warning: I make no excuses for the ridiculousness of this story. You have been warned.


If Sailor Moon Were a Typical Shojo Manga

No Really....

Vol. 1, Chapter 1 - A New Land of Love and Justice!?


Once upon a time in the Dark Kingdom, Beryl summoned her four kings to her side.

"This place is a mess!"

Jadeite groveled before in her in (fake) abject submission.

"Perhaps if you'd allow us to hire those cleaning people I mentioned last week -"

"Shut up!" Beryl snapped, "I don't need your endlessly moronic comments, you mewling sheep."

"Sheep don't mew," Zoisite whispered to Kunzite.

Beryl shot them both a dirty look.

"You'll be glad to know that I've come up with another brilliant plan to capture the Silver Imperium Crystal!"

"I think you mean the Imperium Silver Crystal," Nephrite corrected.

"No, it's the Phantom Silver Crystal," Zoisite interjected.

Kunzite frowned (or actually, continued frowning, since he never ceased doing so):

"I always thought it was the Illusion Silver Crystal."

"Well no wonder we can't find the damn thing," Jadeite said, "No one even knows what it's called!"

"WILL you ALL SHUT the f*&^ UP!" Beryl shouted. They all stared at her in shock.

"Now, my new plan to find the...." she looked hard at all of them, "the Ginzuisho...is simple."

"That's what she said last time."

Beryl threw a pillow from her throne at Zoisite's head. He ducked and the pillow knocked into one of the youma standing behind him. It promptly fell to the floor in agony and died. Everyone ignored it.

"You will lure the Senshi into the arcade. I have had my youma build a special machine that will induce a false "virtual reality""

"You don't have to use the air quotes," Zoisite yawned, "We know what virtual reality is -"

Beryl raised another pillow and he promptly fell silent.

"As I was saying, you will convince the Senshi to play this new "virtual reality" game and when they are hooked up to the system, you will enter it. In the game they will have no powers, nor any memories of who they were. You will find them and torture them until they confess the location of the...Ginzuisho. Is that clear?"

Nephrite raised his hand.

"Yes?"

"I don't understand," he began, "How are we supposed to convince the Senshi to play a video game? We don't even know who they are. And why would they stop fighting us to play a game?"

"I don't have time for such trivial details! Just Make It Work!"

The four kings sighed.

"Any other questions?"

"What is this game called?" Kunzite wanted to know.

Beryl smiled an evil smile.

"It is called Happy High School Love Bust Junkie Club."

Kunzite blinked.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I have amassed thousands of hours of research into what the Earth children call 'Shoujo Manga,'" Beryl proudly explained, "And from this random sampling, I have constructed a machine which will simulate the plots of these 'manga'; this will be sure to draw the Senshi who are, for all intents and purposes, clearly adolescent girls...which makes your inability to capture them even more pathetic..."

The four kings winced.

"How will we enter the game? Will we still remember who we are?"

"Hopefully."

The four kings shared uneasy glances with one another.

"I have a bad feeling about his," Jadeite muttered.

"Just do it!" Beryl screeched.

"Tomorrow the world will be mine!!!!"


Sailor Mercury pulled with all her might on Sailor Moon's arm.

"I'm telling you, this is a really bad idea!"

"Cool it, would you?" Sailor Moon shouted, "This game looks awesome!"

"But why would the four kings appear and then disappear, leaving behind a strange and sinister looking game that says 'Play Me'?" Mercury reasoned.

"Maybe they felt bad about everything they did to us," Sailor Venus theorized, "Maybe it's a present."

"The Trojan Horse was a present -" Mercury began.

"Oh, whatever," Mars cut in, "If it will get the two of them to shut up, just play the thing and get it over with."

She stalked past Sailor Venus and Sailor Moon before Sailor Mercury could restrain her. She plopped herself into one of the five chairs and waited.

"I don't think it works," she said after a moment.

"AW!" Moon and Venus chorused together. They both broke from Mercury and leaped into chairs, pushing buttons and pulling levers as they bounced.

"Stop! Don't touch that! Wait!"

Jupiter put a heavy hand on Mercury's shoulder.

"Come on, Ami-chan. The enemy's gone and we haven't had a real break in ages. Let's just try it out. It might be more fun than your computer."

Impossible! Ami thought, but secretly she was rather intrigued by the circuitry.

"Well...."

"Alright!" Sailor Moon screeched with delight as the game turned on.

She stuffed the visor down over her face and slipped into the sensory chair.

"This is awesome!"

The chairs clamped down, one by one, on the Senshi's arms and legs, trapping them inside.

Watching from outside the arcade, Mamoru (under the sway of Beryl's dark energy) stood with the four kings.

"We really don't like you, you know." Zoisite said.

"Yeah," put in Jadeite, "The only reason we allowed you to come on this mission with us is because we felt sorry for you."

"Shouldn't you be dead by now?" Mamoru asked him.

Jadeite stared at him, then looked away with shifty eyes.

"Uh...no."

The others shrugged. Zoisite held up a sign that read: Please Excuse the Continuity Errors.

When the Senshi were effectively zoned into the game, the Shitennou put on their own visors and sat in chairs in the connected back room of the arcade.

"Do you really think this is going to work?" Nephrite asked.

"No," Zoisite and Jadeite snorted in unison.

Mamoru shrugged.

"Oh, well."

They all tuned into the game and everything went pitch black.

When they woke...they were in a completely different world....with no memories of who they actually were.