Disclaimer: Characters are the property of Marvel, I make nothing from this. A big thank you to those who have done proof-reading or offered insight; you know who you are. :)
Prologue
Time runs differently here. There is no tomorrow. My yesterdays are my todays, and they play out before me in an unceasing parade. I've been given ample opportunity to say to myself "I should have done this" or perhaps "I shouldn't have said that". What ifs buzz around my face like a swarm of mosquitoes.
Every remembered smile, or laugh, or embrace, is sustenance for my soul. When I'm convinced I'll go mad and finally release my mind to the void at last, it is the memory of Kitty's contagious giggle from her earliest days with us, or Logan's steadfast arm over my shoulders, that give me courage. Ororo's smile, painted in my mind's eye, is a beacon in the darkness. Even now, Charles' hand reaches out to me in friendship and acceptance, saving me from myself.
The words hastily hurled in anger, the opportunities not taken and now lost forever, the bitterness and self-doubt, the regrets – they are the anchors that weigh me down, drawing me inexorably closer to oblivion. Those yesterdays are my hell.
Where am I? Surely, I don't know. I am nowhere. I am everywhere.
Sometimes, it seems as though I walk down a never-ending corridor towards an end that grows steadily farther away. It is a hopeless, tiring journey. My footsteps echo hollowly, like the final beats of a dying heart.
At other times, I sit in a vast darkness, lit only by the theatrical procession of yesterdays. They flicker before me, the grainy footage of my life. There is no up, no down, no self, only a memory of who I once was, and that is fading.
But sometimes...sometimes it seems I am home. In fact, I'm quite certain of it. I can hear the voices of my friends surrounding me, like a warm embrace. I catch the scent of Logan's cigar or Betsy's perfume hanging in the air, and I reach out to...nothing. They are as insubstantial as mist. I see them though, my friends who are my family. Their images waver before me, as if I'm gazing through a pool of water. They move through their lives without noticing me. I call out to them, but my voice is lost in the dull roar of silence.
I follow them, on occasion, seeking to break through the invisible barrier that keeps us apart. I'm nothing if not persistent.
I sit across from Logan as he drinks a beer, lost in thought. I keep waiting for him to pass me one, and the recalled taste dances in my mouth, frustrating me. I try to make jokes, just so I can see his careworn face break into one of those rare smiles, but punch lines are useless on deaf ears.
I curl my tail underneath Kitty's hair as she reads, tickling her ear. It's something that never fails to annoy her, but I wait, ultimately in vain, for that familiar, playful swat.
I wander through Ororo's garden, following her, surrounded by the drowsy scent of roses. I long to pluck one of the blooms and place it in her hands, as I've done before. I wait for the moment when she turns to me, and briefly, our eyes meet. "Ororo?" I call, my heart leaping as I reach out to her, but now her eyes see through me and she walks away.
"Gott, what have I done to deserve this?!" I shout, sinking to my knees in the dirt. There is no answer. There is never an answer.
