She awakened to the sun shining through the window, illuminating the dust motes dancing in the air above the bed. She had had a long, dreamless night and had woken full of energy. The clock beside the bed read five minutes after eight and she found herself alone in their bed. A deep sigh left her lips as she rolled out of bed. Her feet touched the cold wooden floor and she stretched before standing up. Her dressing gown was on the floor where she had dropped it last night; she grabbed it and took it on. She got up and went to the den and found her husband asleep on the couch.
"Again?" She could feel her energy draining away as she looked down on the sleeping figure.
She went into the kitchen and made coffee. She assumed that Erwin came home late and went to bed without waking her, then probably got up early and tried to finish his papers. However, she saw nothing like that around. It wasn't supposed to be this way, no. She wondered if she did something wrong, she tried to recall any memory that might have offended him. Nothing, she couldn't remember anything like that. After the last expedition, he changed. He was coming home late, each morning she woke up he was no longer there, at times it looked like he wasn't even sleeping there. Nervousness grew in the pit of her stomach, a queasy, unpleasant feeling. A dizziness took her, and she swayed on her feet, grabbing the counter frame to steady herself. Steadying herself, she shook her head to clear it.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard the kitchen door open.
"Good morning." He said as he walked into the kitchen a few minutes later. She looked his way and nodded.
"Good morning," she said. When the coffee was ready, she reached into the cabinet and took out two mugs. The smell of fresh coffee filled the room, calming her nerves.
Erwin rubbed a hand down his face as he sat down near the counter where he usually sits.
"Why were you sleeping on the couch again?" His wife asked as she filled her and then his mug with steaming hot coffee. He grabbed the papers and began to read as she handed him his coffee.
He thought for a while and said, "Work."
"Liar." She grasped the mug with both hands and carefully sipped the hot liquid.
"I'm not lying." He turned the page of the paper he was reading at the table.
"You are. And do you know how I know it?" She placed the mug on the counter and leaned closer.
"As I said, I am no—" He began his protest, but she cut him off. Erwin was sure she wasn't pleased that he lied.
"You never look me in the eyes."
"As expected from my wife." He said as he looked at her, a small smirk on his face. Without a word, she got up and went behind him and put her arms round his waist, resting her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and took in his scent.
She waited for his response in action or words but there was nothing. A full five minutes passed in complete silence. At his continued silence, she admitted defeat. She pressed a soft kiss to his temple, then the crest of his cheek. Finally, she released him from her embrace she leaned for her mug and left the kitchen. With the corner of his eye, he saw his wife leave the room, and felt sorry for her. He was sitting at the kitchen table, working on a mug of black coffee, and he had the newspaper open in front of him. He should tell her the truth, but he couldn't bring himself to.
Erwin realised with a sinking feeling that he couldn't tell her the truth. It was too horrible for him to admit. He didn't want to lie to her; neither had he wanted to hurt her, even though he was well aware of the fact he already managed to do that. She deserved to know the truth; she deserved to know that at that very moment Erwin no longer felt like a man. He could no longer protect her like before; the thought that he could no longer embrace her fully tore him apart. He groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. His frustration and irritation increased but all he could do was lie and sleep on the couch. He did not want to tell her he no longer wanted to sleep next to her because of his self-consciousness.
"I feel like a coward," he said. Erwin felt like a massive coward, a coward that failed to act.
He drank his now cold coffee in an attempt to ease the tension inside him. Suddenly he heard lightening rip through the air outside, the striking bolt hit something. He also heard something soft tapping the window. The rain began to hit the window panes, drumming on the roof.
She took the blanket and wrapped herself in it. She heard something hit the window and she looked up. It was raining, a ghost of a smile appeared on her face. She liked the sound of the rain. It had a soothing sound that made her think that everything will be better soon. She made her way to the window; she sat down on the window seat and stared out at the trees and houses. She breathed on the window, drew a sun with her index finger and stared thoughtfully at the drips as they chased each other down the glass. She blew against the window until a small circle formed. She drew a smiling face, which after a while, reminded her of a crying one. She sighed and closed her eyes, leaning her head down on her crossed arms. A worried feeling washed over her.
He stepped inside the living room, and then leaned against the door frame as he watched her quietly. She allowed herself to indulge in the moment, and let herself drift. He walked behind her and placed his hand on her shoulder as he squatted down.
"Tell me what to do." She swallowed visibly hard and raised her gaze to meet his. He placed his hand on her cheek and began to stroke it. She leaned into his palm, stared into his blue eyes, and wondered what he saw when he looked at her.
"I no longer feel good enough for you." Mouth dry, he admitted the truth. At least, he admitted a part of it. She gasped and looked at him first in disbelief, then confusion. Various thought ran wildly through her mind. What did he mean? She stopped for a minute, her forehead wrinkled in thought. He wanted divorce? He no longer loved her? What was it?
"W-What do you mean?" Her brows furrowed, a little wrinkle developing between them.
He pulled his hand away of her face and trailed it down his right sleeve, where his right arm was supposed to be. He gave her a quick look and hoped she got the message.
She stared at him, taken aback, and then muttered, "Silly." She hadn't expected him to admit something that fast. She lifted her hand and traced one finger across his thick eyebrow and down his cheek as if memorising every plane and angle of his face. Ever so slowly, she leaned closer and closer. Then, with the barest of touches, she pressed her lips to his. Erwin was kissing her softly, their lips locked together in a long embrace. Their lips parted, with their warm sticky breath against the others, forming a small warm mist between their lips.
"Don't you scare me like that." Her voice trembled a little as she spoke. She stared down into his eyes with a sad gaze. She placed her hand on his cheek and he turned to kiss the palm that was softly caressing his face.
His arm opened, and he gathered her into his embrace. His big hand smoothed her hair over her ear, and his thumb caressed a path down the slope of her neck. He pulled her closer to him, quickly hauling the blanket up to cover them. Closing the gap between them, she wrapped her arms around his waist. All aches forgotten, head filled with nothing but the smell of him, breathing him in.
"Don't you dare sleep on the couch tonight." She whispered to him, in warning tone. He brushed her hair away from her face as he pressed a soft kiss on her forehead.
"I won't." Erwin's arm sneaked around her waist, caging her in his embrace.
She had to remind him how much she loved and longed for him.
