BlueCresentMoon999: Wheee! First BK story!

Kalas:...why am I here...

BCM999: Because you're my muse, silly!

Xelha: Then why am I here? Huh? Huh? Huh?

BCM999:...Because you're my muse too!

Xelha: Two muses? 'is confuzzled'

BCM999: ...disclaimer please!

Kalas: 'sigh' I get paid right?

BCM999: 'crosses fingers' Sure!

Kalas: BlueCresentmoon999 does not own Me or Xelha or any BK related things. Neither does she own the story Hansel and Gretel, Little Red Riding Hood, or Pinocchio. In fact, she's so stupid, she doesn't know who does.

BCM999: Shut up you! R&R Peoples!


" " talking

' ' the almighty Authoress, because I feel a need to be included in the story...


Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!

Written by BlueCresentMoon999 8/17/05

Chapter One: Hansel and Gretel


Once upon a time, deep inside Moonguile Forest, there was a small wood cabin. Inside this cabin lived a poor woodcutter, Georg, with his son, Kalas, and his daughter, Xelha. They were, as I said, a poor family, and Georg went out everyday to chop wood, so he would get paid, and go to Cebalrai to bring food home.

"What! Me? A woodcutter?" Georg asked angrily and looked up at the authoress. He shook his fist, "You've got to be crazy! I'm an inventor, I say! An inventor!"

'Shut up you! This is my story! Go with the flow, Fool! And shut up, okay! You're screwing my story up...'

Kalas folded his arms. "You can't talk to Gramps that way!"

'Shut up! All of you! I control your fate in this here story, so you'd better do as I say, Fools! Ahem anyways...'

The money Georg brought home was lessening. The man he worked for, Giacomo, was deducting from his pay for absolutaly no reason at all, except for the fact that he hated Georg. Thus, their family was starving to death.

"So this is Giacomo's fault!" Kalas exclaimed, "It's his fault we're in this stupid story? I thought we killed him! What's he doing alive!"

'I said shut up!' the Authoress snapped, 'I'm not done with me intro yet!'

Xelha narrowed her eyes, annoyed at the Authoress. "You actually put me in a family with these two? You're crazy if you ask me-"

'I never asked you, Fool! Suffer my wrath!' I viciously dropped blueberry pies on their heads. 'Now shut up and let me finish me freakin' intro!'

"Whoo-hoo!" Kalas cheered! "Pie! We're not starving anymore!"

'Don't make me drop Lemon Meringue on you, fool! Now let me finish!'

The poor woodcutter then sent his children out into the dark, scary woods to see if they could find food to eat. Xelha, being the smart protagonist in the story versus the stupid one, took a piece of bread, their last one, before they left. Therefore, she could leave a trail of breadcrumbs incase they lost their way. The two of them left down the faint dirt road, searching for food...

Utter Silence

'Hello? Kalas? Xelha? That's your cue to read your lines...READ, FOOLS!' the almighty Authoress commanded.

"Well, grumpy Authoress..." Kalas smirked and held his hands behind his back. "What happened to 'Nyah! Let me finish my stupid freakin' intro! Nyah!'"

'I'm done with my stupid freakin' intro, now say your lines like we rehearsed! GO, FOOLS!'

Kalas turned around. "Hmph! Fine then! But tell me why I have to wear this stupid outfit!" He looked down at his white button up shirt with a collar, and pockets on both sides, accompanied by a pair of green puffy pants, and a brown hat with a feather hanging off, "This is so stupid!" He remarked.

Xelha was wearing a frilly pink dress with gloves and matching shoes. Completing it was a white hat on her head. "Come on, Kalas! I think it's cute!"

"Hmph...fine then. But why do my shoes have to look so retarded..." Kalas held up his right foot which had a brown shoe that was curling up near the tip. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...," he moaned.

"...Kalas...we're in the middle of a story here, get back in character!" Xelha hissed and took out the slice of bread. As she walked merrily across the path, she droped the breadcrumbs.

Kalas chased after her. "Gee, the least you could do is wait for me!"

They soon reached the end of the path, and Xelha was out of bread. The two of them slowly looked from down the path, over and up to the house standing in front of them.

"WAHHH! It's a dream come true!" Kalas squealed as he ran up to the house and licked the window pane. "Mmm...it's sugary..." He switched to the siding. "Mmm...it's pepperminty..." Next was the roof and it's brown shingles. "Mmm...chocolaty...!" While Kalas, was having the time of his still-too-young-to-vote-life, Xelha stared at the house in amazement.

The door,made of white chocolate, slowly creaked open, reavealing a short pudgy person wearing a long cape, baggy panty, a tiny pointy hat, reading glasses, and a candy cane for a wand -- all a bright, flourescent shade of pink. Xelha cocked her head to the side. "Are you a witch?"

The person growled and waved the candy cane in the air. "No, Fool! Witches are females! I am not a girl! I AM A MAN I TELL YOU! I AM A WARLOCK!" You see, the witch was really Geldoblame.

Kalas leapt off the roof, to come crashing onto the ground. He said, through a mouthfup of chocolate, "HAHA! You're a guy that's wearing pink! You know how stupid you look! Probably even stupider then me!"

Xelha snatched a large stick of gum out of the ground and bopped his head. "Don't be mean! Excuse me, kind Sir, do you have any food you could spare for us? Our family is starving! Please?" She batted her eyelashes at him and quivered her bottom lip.

Geldoblame sneered, "Why of course, Little Lady! Step inside my house, which is not being used to tempt little kids into coming so I can eat them, why don't you?" He stepped aside, and allowed the two of them to walk in.

Kalas and Xelha looked around excitedly. "Oooooooooooooh!" Kalas exclaimjed and couldn't contain himself. He scurried over to a coffee table and bit its leg off, "Chocolate! Chocolate!" he cheered.

Unknowingly, the evil witch, --er I mean 'warlock'--, pulled an oversized butterfly net out of his tiny pocket and snatched the two kids up in it. "Ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!" He cackled, "I knew this oversized butterfly net that can amazingly fit in my tiny pocket would come in handy someday!" He threw the two of them in a cage, and locked the door. Afterwards, he ate the key, chocolate of course, and smacked his lips. "Ahh, sweet, sweet victory! NOw I have something to eat other then chocolate, chocolate,chocolate!"

Kalas looked at the bars of the cage he was trapped in and smirked. "Well sorry for you, but speaking of 'chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!', I saw that the bars on this cage are chocolate too!" Being the more unintelligent protagonist in this here story, and not knowing that any smart villain would have known the bars were chocolate and booby-trapped them, Kalas took a big bite out of a bar, but immediately regretted it. "BLEEEECH!"

"Ha! It's not sweet chocolate! It's unusually salty chocolate from Ubowbowbownia!" Geldoblame laughed.

Xelha raised an eyebrow curiously. "Where's Ubowbowbownia?"

"Hey, it's in the script, Fool!" Geldoblame shrugged. After pulling out a piece of paper and looking at it, Xelha nodded.

"I guess I missed that part..."

"Nah, when we rehearsed that part, you went to the bathroom," Kalas commented.

'AHEM! Story!' the angry Authoress snapped.

Kalas plopped down onto his bottom grumpily and scraped his tongue with a random ballpoint pen he found in his pocket, as an attempt to get the awful taste off his precious taste buds.

Xelha watched glumly as Geldoblame was hastily throwing chocolate at already burning flames to make it bigger. "Let us go please!" she pleaded, "If you do, I'll give you a cookie I have in my pocket! It'll make a nice lawn ornament, 'ne?"

"Ooh! What flavor!" Geldoblame squealed with delight.

"Um...chocolate chip?" Xelha quickly blurt out nervously.

"BLECH! I like pecans in my cookies! And like I'd let a free meal go..."

Kalas poked Xelha's shoulder, "You don't really have a cookie, do you?" he asked suspiciously.

She blinked. "H-how could you t-tell!"

"Xelha, you're a horrible liar. Plus there's the fact, you don't have any pockets. I still remember the time you tried to keep a little baby squirrel in your room and were feeding him acorns, and when I asked you why you were hauling 10 bags of acorns upstairs, you said you were going to make a pitcher of acorn juice..."

She put her hands on her hips, "Hmph! What's wrong with 'acorn juice!'"

He rolled his eyes. "Everyone knows, acorns don't give off juice...the bark of the tree does."

"But the squirrel was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute! I named it...'Squirrel!'" Xelha exclaimed happily and clapped her hands.

Kalas shook his head. "Gee, how original..."

She glared at him. "You shut up! It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute! I Awwwwwwww...widdwe Squirrel..." Xelha began oddly hugging herself.

"AHEM!" Geldoblame screamed and waved his candy cane from side to side, "I'm about to eat you here, and you're talking about a stupid squirrel!" He stomped over to Xelha and grabbed her wrist in blind fury. "What's this? You're all skin and bone! I'll have to fatten you up!" Geldoblame put a finger to his chin. "What to feed you..."

Kalas angrily looked at the Authoress. "Well MAYBE we wouldn't be so freakin' SKINNY if the stupid Authoress would've let Gramps get good pay-"

'Idiot! That'd ruin the freakin' story, now keep going...'

Geldoblame cleared his throat. "Ahem! I repeat, WHAT TO FEED YOU...!"

'Oh!' the Authoress remembered that was her cue. She ran over to a record played and turned it on to play a choir singing reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally high notes. She then dropped a turkey dinner in the cage, complete with a turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, a cornucopia, stuffing, two pilgrim hats, and a candle. 'HoHoHo! Merry Thanksgiving!' She rang some Christmas bells.

Geldoblame blinked. "Well howdy-doo! It's Christmas in August! But why is the stupid Authoress talking in freakin' third person..."

'Shut up you! The antagonist is supposed to be stupid and unknowing of those things!'

Kalas and Xelha couldn't believe their eyes, and began their feast at once. Suddenly, someone, very loudly, busted the door down. It was Gibari, Savyna, and Lyude! All carrying axes/halberds!

"Where's Little Red Riding Hood?" Lyude demanded.

"We have to kill that stupid wolf, Maurice's stomach open to rescue Granny before we get out lunch break," Savyna explained and yawned tiredly.

The Authoress scoffed, 'Idiots! That's the nest story! This is Hansel and Gretel! Shoo! Go away, Fools!'

Gibari snorted loudly and rudely. "Fine! We'll be back! And don't you talk to us with that kind of tone, Fool!" he huffed, "Weareidiots Ninja Clan! NINJA POOF!" he screamed and they 'poof'-ed away.

Xelha was hungry, and had a plan. "Kalas!" she exclaimed, "The front door! It's open! GO!"

He blinked, confused, "Huh? OH! THE FRONT DOOR!" Kalas ran for it, but forgot he was in a cage, and ran into the bars, denting his fragile, but unimportant, skull. Xelha snickered we she finished the meal quickly. Kalas turned back, red lines on his face, "Xelha,...there's b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b--"

"Will you be finishing that word?" she asked.

He sighed, "There's b-b-bars...Hey, what happened to all the food? I only got one little bite of stuffing..."

Xelha looked at him innocently. "Huh? Oh! I don't know! I didn't eat it all while distracting you by making you stupidly run into that wall of bars made out of unusually salty chocolate from Ubowbowbownia..." she poked her two index fingers together.

"Oh...okay..." He shrugged, but turned back around, enraged, "Didn't I tell you, you suck at lying? YOU ATE ALL OUR FOOD!" Kalas screamed and took out his ball point pen, threateningly. He threw it at Geldoblame for no reason, hitting his head. "XEHLA I SWEAR I WILL HEIMLICH MANUVER YOU UNTIL YOU PUKE UP ALL MY FOOD! I'M FREAKIN' STARVING!"

The Authoress took pity on Xelha, and dropped a pan, filled with scrambled eggs 'n bacon, on Kalas' head. He stopped threatening Xelha, and stuffed his big mouth, happily.

Geldoblame screamed and pulled a handful of hair from his head, only making him balder then usual as he yelled, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'M FREAKIN' HUNGRY! RAWRHHHHHHHH! I'LL EAT YOU NOW!" He crazily opened the cage and grabbed Xelha out to bring her to the open fire.

"MMMFFPH!" Kalas cried, through a mouthful of eggs 'n bacon, "XELHAMMMFFPH!"

The Authoress never did remember to make a way for the heroes to cleverly escape at the last minute, like they always do, so she did the 1st thing to come to mind. 'Oh, well!' She dropped a 10,000 ton anvil, meant for Giacomo, on Geldoblame, therefore knocking him out, but conveniently missing Xelha. He hacked up the chocolate key, amazingly not damaged while floating in Geldoblame's vile stomach acids...

Xelha grabbed the key, hesitantly since it was covered in rancid Geldoblame spit. "Icky, icky icky..." she opened Kalas' cage, and he climbed out.

"Huzzah!" Kalas cheered. "Freedom to eat that freakin' freak's house because I'm still freakin' hungry!" Xelha glared at him and pulled Kalas outside.

"We...are...going...HOME!" she screamed impatiently.

Kalas yanked his arm away. "Wait! I have an idea!" He grinned maliciously. "We bury the freakin' freak before he wakes up and steal his house while we're at it! Think about it, Xelha! we'll never go hungry again!"

"...would you look at that...I guess it is true...everyone has at least one good idea in their thick skulls..." Xelha blinked, shocked. "But where are we going to get a shovel?"

He smirked. "Three words, Xelha, three words...hardened...chocolate."

Xelha narrowed her eyes at him. "You idiot, that's only two words." She hissed, but he didn't hear, because he had already gotten himself a shovel made out of dark chocolate.

"YAHAA!" Kalas got to work and, soon, had dug them a deep, yet wide, hole. "Ya think that freakin' fat freak will fit in here? After all he IS awfully fat..."

"Sure, whatever, just help me carry him." Xelha was back in the house. The Authoress had conveniently lifted the anvil off, leaving them to drag Geldoblame, who was REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY fat.

Suddenly, Folon popped up from behind a tree. "Helloooooooooo! I'm Folon, playing the part of Pinocchio!"

Kalas was pulling Geldoblame's leg when Folon popped up. "Hey, Buddy, give us a hand with this freakin' freak, would'ja?"

"Sure thing, Bud!" Folon chirped. His nose suddenly grew an inch longer as he merrily skipped away.

Xelha watched as he disappeared. "Look on the bright side! Maybe he went off to get a crane to lift this freakin' freak!"

"Stop being so optimistic, Xelha! He's not coming back! Don't you know, when Pinocchio lies, his nose gets longer!" Kalas asked.

She blinked. "So he's a horrible liar like me?"

"Yes, now, shut up and pull." Kalas insisted between yanks.

30 Minutes Later

They gave up on pulling and decided pushing might be easier. "Man, we haven't even for the freakin' freak out of the doorway, yet!" Kalas exclaimed, "I give up..."

"...Maybe it's 'cause he's too fat to fit through to doorway..." Xelha suggested, not giving up.

On cue, the Authoress magically dropped a crane from the sky. Xelha grinned. "See? I told you that Folon went to get a crane!"

"You idiot, that was the almighty Authoress!" Kalas snapped and climbed in the mysterious device, "Huzzah! Modern day technology! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorship!...Wooooooooooooooooooooorship!" He chanted between bows.

Xelha hopped in, pushed a few buttons, and pulled a lever. The crane lowered and picked up Geldoblame. "Hey! This is just like those crane thingys that people have a shopping malls that have stuffed animals and other random crap inside them that cost 50 cents to play!" she clapped her hands.

"...You don't know what you're talking about, do you?" Kalas sighed.

Xelha pointed up and the almighty Authoress. "She did it!"

'Shut up you! and get back in character!'

"Tch...like I ever was in the first place?" She folded her arms. Kalas pushed a button and it lifted the freakin' freak up. He pushed a different button, and it dropped him in the hole. The two of them jumped out of the crane, and used their chocolate shovels to cover him up, before Kalas ate them...

"Now let's go home and bring Gramps here!" Kalas exclaimed and they began down the path, when suddenly, a monorail appeared next to them! "More modern day technolegy! Woooooooooooooooooooorshi-" Xelha thankfully thwacked the back of his head.

"Shut up and get in," She said, and the two of them got in. Xelha sighe deeply. "I used that piece of bread for nothing I guess..." They rode off and soon reached their home.

Kalas ran inside. "Gramps, Gramps! Come see! We found food!"

Xelha walked in calmly. "I still don't get it...if he's out father, why do we call him 'Gramps?' Shouldn't we call him... 'Dads?'"

Either way, they rode off in their modern day technology to Geldoblame's house, where Kalas, Xelha, Gramps, their little Greythorne named Meemai, their Black Caplin named Fee, and their tiny furry squirrel, Squirrel, all lived happily ever after. Until Halloween came and all the neighborhood's kids robbed them of their candy


BCM999: Wheee! Finished! Review please!

Kalas: 'snort' as if they will...

BCM999: Shut up you! Don't discourage the readers, Fool!