Quatre sighed. He was completely unable to get that beautiful face from his mind, those green eyes…
Pushing the door to his room open, he sighed again. He had to stop it! He shouldn't be thinking like this, not about…
"Trowa! Hi!"
"Hello Quatre." Trowa, sat on the end of the bed, smiled at him.
He's so beautiful…
Quatre felt himself blush, as if Trowa might know exactly what he was thinking."What are you thinking?" Trowa said quietly, staring down at the floor. Quatre blinked and said nothing.
"Quatre, I, uh, I wondered, could I talk to you for a minute?" Trowa brought his green eyes up to meet Quatre's.
"Yeah, of course." Quatre moved forward and stood in front of Trowa. Trowa gazed up at him, smiling slightly but something startlingly intense in his eyes.
"Trowa, are you…alright? Nothing's…wrong, is it?"
"What? Oh, no, it's just, I, well, you see…"
Oh god I want you Trowa… No! STOP IT! K'SO Quatre, you're meant to be listening to the guy and instead you're fantasising about him… STOP it!
"Oh god I want you Quatre!"
Quatre had no time to register this before Trowa had wrapped his arms around Quatre's waist and pulled him close.
"I want you too," Quatre gasped.
…and you're so kind, so generous, so sweet…I want you and….I love you
"I know. But, Quatre, it's not just that, it's…it's you…you're so…so…I want you and….I love you…"
"You know my thoughts."
"Of course I do."
"You know I love you…"
"And I know I love you."
Quatre smiled.
"I know."
Their lips met as Trowa leaned back, pulling Quatre down with him onto the bed.
*
Quatre awoke but kept his eyes shut for a moment. His heart sank as he remembered the dream he'd had, and the similar ones he'd been having every night for so long. He wished so much that the dream could be real, that it could come true – but he hated himself for wanting it.
How could you, Winner
he berated himself angrily.How could I let myself want Trowa when I'm with someone else?
He turned his head and guilty tears blurred his vision as he gazed at Duo, smiling contentedly in his sleep.
* * *
Heero stared at the screen of his laptop. It was very early, long before anyone would be around. Heero knew, as the perfect soldier, that it was the perfect time to work, with a clear head and no distractions, but he just could not get himself to concentrate. He could not stop thinking about Duo, his incessantly cheerful personality, the way he never shut up, EVER, his shiny braid, that annoyingly cute grin and his huge violet eyes.
Heero may have been very good at pretending he wasn't jealous of Quatre's relationship with Duo, but lately he had realised that he could no longer convince himself.
Heero blinked. He was tired, having been up most of the night. He relaxed for a moment, closing his eyes and letting himself imagine that Duo was rubbing his shoulders, kissing the side of his neck, whispering in his ear
Heero you work way too hard, take a break… Come to bed… You know you
"DAMN YOU DUO MAXWELL!" Heero yelled, slamming his laptop closed. His chair clattered to the floor as he stood up, clenching and unclenching his fists, not quite sure what to do with himself.
"An uncharacteristic display of emotion from the perfect soldier, Heero."
Heero whirled around to see Wufei standing in the doorway. Usually he would have said "hn" and proceeded to ignore the Chinese pilot. This time, however…
"Weak is it? Don't tell me, I'm acting like an onna, well let me tell you something I DON'T CARE! OK!? You've told me I'm weak SO many times that, hey, I know! And I still don't care. Fuck off and leave me alone because I don't care what you think!"
Heero stormed over to him, pushed him roughly out of the doorway and slammed the door, glaring although there was no longer anybody to glare at. He leaned back against the door and sank to the floor. Wufei, however irritating, was right. He had to control himself, he was slipping. He was feeling things he'd never felt before, he was letting emotions, so unfamiliar, get the better of him – and it was weak.
An image of Duo stood suddenly before him, grinning disarmingly.
Let it go, Heero
Feel your emotions
There's so much you don't feel
And I make you feel, don't I
I can show you Heero
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Heero screamed. "SHUT UP!"
*
Wufei stood, blinking at the door that had been slammed in his face moments before.
"I was only commenting," he muttered. "Did I say it was a BAD thing?"
"SHUT UP!" he heard Heero shout from behind the door. Wufei didn't think Heero was talking to him.
"He's getting to you bad, isn't he Yuy," he muttered and walked off, more than a bit amused.
* * *
Trowa sat cross-legged on the sofa, an open book in his hands. He was not sure what the book was – he hadn't read a word of it. Lifting his eyes from the upside-down pages, he gazed around the room. Heero was sitting perfectly still on a chair, as he had been all day, wearing headphones although the stereo was off and hoping to set fire to the carpet with the terrible power of his glare. Duo was lazing across an armchair, kicking his feet and shaking his head, making his braid swing, brushing the floor. Wufei had left not ten minutes ago, saying he was off to buy some pink lemonade and earning himself many bewildered stares. And Quatre? Where was the beautiful blond, Trowa wondered. The currently absent beautiful blond was the reason why Trowa had his book upside-down and had read precisely no words in the last hour or so. He could concentrate on nothing but Quatre. When he wasn't gazing dreamily at him, Trowa was thinking about him, fantasising and imagining him. He had to stop it, as he told himself regularly, he had to stop wanting what he could not have. Quatre had been behaving strangely towards him over the last few weeks, seemingly avoiding him where possible and refusing to look him in the eyes. Besides, he was with Duo and had been for a long while. They were sweet, they were good together
but not as good as we could be
SHUT UP
He glared back down at his book but could not stop himself from looking up again as Quatre came into the room, carrying two cups of coffee, one of which he put down on the table before Heero. Heero didn't move a muscle. He didn't even "hn" like usual. Something was definitely up with that boy today, Trowa noted but forgot as his eyes, hidden by his long hair, followed Quatre across the room. Duo sat up and wrapped his arms around Quatre's waist from behind, pulling Quatre back onto his chair and causing him to throw coffee all over the carpet.
"Duo!" Quatre scolded half-heartedly and tried to get up so he could clean it.
"Do it later!" Duo said quietly and started kissing Quatre's face. Quatre gave up on the whole idea of getting up.
Trowa stared back down at his book, trying to ignore the little sighs from the chair which Duo and Quatre were sharing. Out of the corner of his eye, he was sure he saw Heero shifting in his seat.
* * *
Duo watched Quatre, frowning slightly. Quatre was sitting at the piano, staring vacantly at nothing as he ran his slender fingers up and down the same scale, over and over and over…
Duo stood up and walked over to Quatre, rubbing his shoulders lightly. He felt Quatre flinch at his touch and closed his eyes.
"Quatre, what's wrong? Please, tell me, you've been acting weird for ages. I mean, is it me, are you upset with me, I mean, I felt that, you don't even want me touching you… Quatre…"
Quatre stopped playing the scale but continued to stare straight ahead.
"Quatre, please, I only want to help you. I'm worried, something's bothering you…"
but what? tell me Quatre, come on
Quatre turned around and looked sadly up at Duo.
"Duo, I…" he said hoarsely, then looked down at the floor. He stood up suddenly and walked over to the door.
"I'm going for a walk," he said quietly, pulling on his trainers.
"What? It's nearly midnight!"
"Yeah…" Quatre muttered vaguely.
"Well… Well, I'll come with you, shall…"
"No! No, Duo, I'd like…uh, some time, to think, um, on my own…"
"O… Alright…"
Duo blinked as Quatre stared sadly at him for a moment. Surely he was about to burst into tears… But he didn't, he just walked out of the door.
Duo sat down heavily on the floor and bit his lip, twirling the end of his braid absently in his long fingers. He was so worried. Over the last few weeks, Quatre had been so down, so unhappy. So distant, somehow. Quatre didn't want to be close to Duo now, Duo could tell – he would no longer kiss him or touch him at all unless Duo initiated it, and then he would shy away from his touch, reluctant. Duo had tried and tried to persuade Quatre to tell him what the matter was, but Quatre refused to tell him, or even to acknowledge that anything was wrong. He hardly spoke at all, in fact, although Duo had seen his efforts at pretending he was fine when the others were around.
dammit Quatre I wish you'd tell me what it is that's bothering you
Something was bothering Duo too. It just didn't feel right anymore, his relationship with Quatre, and not just because of Quatre's strange behaviour recently. He had been wondering for a couple of months if maybe he shouldn't just break it off, but he hadn't been able to bring himself to talk to Quatre about it. He really didn't want to hurt him. He hated it when things ended.
He still loved Quatre, but it wasn't the same… He couldn't help feeling that it was just not meant to be, though he'd never really believed in fate, or that anything was ever meant to be or not so.
what am I going to do
Duo wondered as he pulled his knees to him and buried his face in his hands, crying hot, silent tears.*
A few moments later, the door to the living room opened. Duo lifted his head and rubbed his tearstained face furiously as Heero walked in, wearing nothing but a pair of baggy pajama-trousers.
"Hn," Heero said. "Didn't see you." He started to turn, to leave but Duo was surprised to see him stop. "Are you alright?" Heero asked, uncharacteristically softly.
Duo stared.
"I…er, yeah, I…just… Heero, for a moment there you really sounded like you actually cared…"
Heero frowned so deeply that Duo thought he might be about to cry – until he remembered that Heero had no feelings. Heero turned and walked to the door, but there he paused.
"Am I really that bad," he murmured falteringly, turning his head slightly to one side.
Duo was left speechless as Heero closed the door behind him.
*
That night Duo had strange dreams. Firstly Quatre threw a knife at him and Trowa caught it millimetres from his face and handed it back to Quatre with a pink ribbon tied around it. Then a frying pan tap-danced in a field of poppies. Then Heero was kneeling by his bed, watching him silently, tears pouring down his handsome face.
* * *
I must be sharing a house with the four most foolish bakas ever to have lived! They are so foolish – all in love with each other! Heero is in love with Duo, this I discovered this morning. Trowa is in love with Quatre, and I believe that although Quatre is with Duo, he may feel something similar. Ah, they all think they are so sly, but I can see it. Except Duo. I wonder how he feels about Heero? I am sure he and Quatre will not last much longer. They're falling apart, although they pretend it's fine and I think no-one else has noticed yet. It's sad. I would say they were weak, too weak to be able to keep their relationship going – but I don't really think that's true.
I went to the store today and bought some lemonade. It was pink. I saw Sally at the store. I think she LIVES in the store!
I drank all the lemonade. I'll probably go back tomorrow and buy some more.
*
Wufei closed the little red book that he kept as a diary and put it on the floor by his bed. Switching off the light, he lay down. Shopping wasn't a job for onnas after all, he decided. He soon fell asleep.
* * *
