Buffy sighed, knowing that she should be doing something other than sitting here feeling sorry for herself. She had been bought time by Andrew so that she could find her place in this new world, but she didn't know if she could resign herself to a life alone. That's what seemed to be happening right now. Her friends were all busy with helping the new recruits prepare for anything that could happen.
She didn't know if she could even trust her own emotions anymore. They had led her into irrational situations before. She sighed softly thinking about Spike. He had loved her enough to go and get himself ensouled. She didn't know if she deserved to be loved. Everyone that had ever loved her she had hurt. Angel, Riley, her mother, Spike... everyone. There wasn't anyone that wasn't affected by her self destructive behavior. She wondered if maybe they should have left her in the ground.
Maybe she should just get it over with and go to Giles in England, he had wanted her input on somethings there and said that she could search for what she was seeking there just as easily as she could here.
She had told Dawn, Xander, Willow, and Faith that she might be leaving soon. She had said that she should be in England to help Giles rebuild the Watcher's Council. Perhaps they would be able to take the stuffiness out of the new council. She hoped that while she was there she could work on her issues with love. She walked over to her case and packed up some of her weapons. She started opening drawers, packing her suitcase with all the things she thought that she would need. Panties, shirts, sweaters, jeans... stakes. The necessities.
"Where are you going?" Dawn asked, leaning against the door frame. She was eating a cookie.
Buffy could smell the scent of the freshly baked cookies coming from the kitchen downstairs. It reminded her of her mother. She closed her eyes, and fought back the sudden swell of tears that threatened to overwhelm her. She sighed softly, counting to fifty quietly to herself before she opened them again.
Buffy looked over at her sister and sighed. "I'm going to England to give Giles a hand." Her reply was short and to the point. She didn't want Dawn to know that she felt alone in the crowded ex-boarding house. She had felt like she had been missing something all of this time.
Dawn sighed audibly. "Do you want me to come with you? I could just pack my stuff and go with you. It could be like a road trip, but instead of a car or bus, in a plane... and they serve peanuts!" She looked hopefully at Buffy.
"I think you should stay here and be mini-Giles for Willow and Faith. Plus, whose going to keep Xander from killing the little slayerettes?" Buffy said, walking over to her little sister. She tucked her sister's hair behind her ears. "I think that I need to talk to Giles about some things and work on getting ready for the next apocalypse."
Dawn nodded her head. Buffy saw the disappointment on her sister's face. She pulled her sister into a hug. "I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise." She smoothed her hands over her sister's hair, and down her back, stroking the younger girl's hair like she remembered doing so many times before in their life.
Buffy leaned back from her sister and smiled. She could tell that Dawn wanted to argue with her. She appreciated that her little sister held it in so that she could feel like the strong one.
Buffy let go of her little sister and picked up her suitcase. She kissed the younger girl's cheek before walking out of her room. She walked down the hall to Xander's room and knocked quietly.
Xander opened the door, rubbing his good eye. The other still was covered with a patch. Willow and Giles had both been looking for a spell to change that, but hadn't come up with anything that would work. She knew that all of Xander's joking about joining a pirate crew only showed how scared he was that it would never be better. She leaned up and kissed him softly on the cheek.
He looked down at her confused. "What's going on Buff? Are we in bizarre-o land again, because I haven't tried to have anyone cast any spells..." He looked genuinely worried.
"I need you to do me two... well three favors." She said quietly, not wanting Dawn to hear her.
"Name it B. You know you can count on me for anything." He replied, leaning against the door frame.
"One... I need you to watch Dawn while I'm gone. I know she's a big girl and all that jazz, but I want you to look out for her how you've always looked out for me," Buffy smiled softly at one of her oldest friends. Xander had always saved her in a pinch, or at least tried to come to her rescue.
"I can do that... wait... did you say gone? Where ya going B?" Xander asked. "Is it a top secret mission, because you know you can tell me anything right? I still remember all those military codes, so I can get you the hook up if you need it."
"I'm going to England to help Giles out, and sort some things out," she said.
He frowned. "Sort what out B? Come in and let's chat. I can help you sort anything out."
She looked up at him and shook her head. "I can't Xander. I've got to go to England. There are some questions that I need answered, and there's this gnawing at my stomach telling me that I'll find my answers there," she said, her voice wavering slightly. She felt the first tear roll down her cheek, and wiped it away angrily. "Xander, I really need you to just do me these favors and then I'll fill you in on everything later."
Xander sighed softly and leaned against the door frame. "I'll do anything for you B, you know that."
The honesty of that statement stung Buffy like a million of bees. She knew that he would do anything for her. He gave up his eye fighting a battle that she knew he shouldn't have been in, but that was all ancient history.
She felt like maybe she should just stay so that maybe she could put a glimmer of happiness back into his remaining brown eye. It was dark with the turmoil that she knew boiled beneath his quiet exterior. He had grown quiet in their time since leaving Sunnydale and LA. How she missed his laughter. She didn't realize until this moment how much she had in fact missed the happy go lucky Xander that they had left in Sunnydale. She thought about all the times that they had laughed together and all the times that they had cried together and all the times that they'd nearly died together. It felt like her heart was being torn into a million pieces again. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes and she couldn't stand him to have to watch her cry again for the millionth time.
She dropped her suitcase on the floor and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her cheek against his chest. She could hear his heart beating beneath the surface. It was strong, steady and sure, just like Xander was in her life. Strong. Steady. Sure. He was a bit surprised at first, then wrapped his arms around her, enfolding her in his love for her. He laid his cheek against the top of her head, and closed his eye. Buffy felt like she had never been safer in her life, but knew that it might be too good to be true.
She didn't want to hurt him if she couldn't actually love him. She didn't want to hurt one of her best friends in the whole world because she found herself attracted to him. She would not ruin their friendship for a fling. It wasn't worth it. She had to know what was broken and fix it before she ruined all the friendships she had left. Spike was one thing, but if she hurt Xander that way she'd never forgive herself.
Xander kissed the top of her head and let out a soft sigh. "What is it Buffy? What's so important that you've got to run away like this?" His words came out soft and knowing. She felt as though he had cut through all of the crap that she was using as excuses for leaving. She felt tears brim her eyes, threatening to overflow.
She pulled back from him and looked at the ground in front of her. She shifted back and forth on the balls of her feet. He put a finger under her chin and shook his head. "B... you can't just run from things. Come inside and talk to me... We've been through so much, I can help you with this."
Buffy looked at him and sighed. "That's the problem... We've been through so much, and I don't know if I can talk to you about this or Willow or Dawn or anyone. I think that I have to sort this out by myself. I really need you to do those favors for me. I can't do this without you, and its important that I do this." She listened to herself. Her words ran in circles. She knew that. But she was starting to not be able to hold back from the emotional outburst that she knew was coming. She wanted to be a long way from the boarding house when that happened. She didn't want Xander to have to see this. She didn't want anyone to see this.
Xander sighed softly, he knew that Buffy wouldn't budge. "I'll do anything B... just let me know what I need to do." He said, his voice filled with resignation. He had given up. Buffy could hear that in his voice.
"Take care of Dawn, Take care of Willow. And most important... Take care of yourself," she said looking up at him. Her eyes were glistening with tears that she refused to shed in front of him.
A single tear slid down Xander's cheek as he nodded his head. Buffy reached up and smoothed it away. She caressed his face softly and pulled it down so that she could kiss him on the cheek softly. "I'll be back... I promise... Not even death could stand in my way... Remember?" She said trying to lighten the mood.
"Call us when you get to London?" he asked, ignoring her joke. He knew in his heart that if he lost Buffy again then nothing in his life would make any sense anymore.
She nodded her head. She made herself meet his gaze. "I'll call you when I get there... could you do one more thing for me?" She asked quietly.
He nodded his head. "Anything B."
"Hug me?" she asked quietly. There was a slight waver to her voice.
He gathered her in his arms, holding her tightly. He wanted to keep her here with him like this. He wanted to hold her. To comfort her, to be her everything. He felt like out of anything in the world, this was the one thing he wanted... her.
She squeezed him back and the let go of him quickly, grabbing her stuff. She seemed to run down the stairs. She looked back only once as she got to the bottom of the stairs. Even at that distance she could see the tears that she had caused in his one beautiful eye. She turned back quickly and walked out of the boarding house. She hailed a cab, telling the driver to take her to JFK and step on it.
