They love our act.
They laugh, they smile, they cry…
But they don't understand.
The relationship we have is much more complicated than anyone makes it seem.
Even I have trouble understanding it now.
It was late.
Or rather, early.
I don't know why I was awake, but Kaoru was tossing beside me, having a nightmare or something. I almost woke him up, but he started making odd noises.
"..ru…Hik…aru…"
I sat up, ready to assure him that I was fine and beside him when I saw his face…
Flushed and excited.
'What the hell…? Is he having a…about me?'
I tried to think…
What to do…
This kind of situation had never come up before, for obvious reasons.
His eyes flashed open, mouth slightly agape to allow a small whimper as he sat up.
I rolled over again, but turned my head back to look at him.
"Kaoru?" I whispered. "Are you okay?"
"I'm—" he paused to clear his throat, but we both heard the strained quality of his voice. "I'm fine, Hikaru. It was nothing. Just go back to sleep."
"Did you have a nightmare?" I propped myself up on my elbow to took him in the eye, but he flipped to look away from me.
"Just go back to sleep!"
Did he really think that would put me off?
I put my hand on his shoulder.
"You can tell me about it. You were fidgeting. You kicked me," I lied, trying to get anything out of him.
"I don't want to talk about it!" he yelled, pulling away from me. "Please…I can't…Hikaru, I…"
"Forget it." I wasn't hurt, but I was upset. I just wanted to help him—and me—understand what was going on.
I shifted to lie on my other side, trying to get comfortable and get back to sleep, but I couldn't stop wondering about that dream…
'Was it really me, or was something else going on? What could have…'
The alarm went off as I was dozing, and I shot straight up. We looked at each other, and I shrugged.
'Somehow, he looked upset,' I thought as I walked towards the bathroom. When I reached the door, I turned and apologized for God knows what.
"Kaoru…I'm sorry."
"No, I am. I shouldn't have dreamed that…I mean…I'll tell you about it when I can. It's still…"
His face was red again.
I frowned, unhappy with his secrets and lies.
But I put a more pleasant face on and said, "Kaoru, you don't make sense sometimes." He smiled sadly and I felt my expression soften.
Why couldn't Kaoru just make things simpler for once?
I showered and dressed, and Kaoru did the same. In the car, Kaoru was quiet, so I didn't speak either, waiting for him to be comfortable again.
He was only a few steps behind me as we walked to class, polluting the atmosphere with melancholy. I could only smile as I locked eyes with Haruhi and hurried over to join her.
"Hey," I grinned, awkwardly slowing to walk beside her. Kaoru barely caught up with us.
The three of us started in on a conversation of whatever was on our minds…of course, saying "three" would be implying that Kaoru did more than stand there shuffling his feet and mumbling half-sentences, barely contributing at all. His odd behavior continued for the entire day.
He had no opinion or feeling, and it was really bothering me. Haruhi must have noticed, as she was throwing him questions sporadically, none of which he seemed to care about.
Class let out a bit early that day, not that Kaoru would notice, as off in his own world as he was. Haruhi and I stood by his desk, trying to coax him into speaking.
After a while, he said, "I'm feeling kinda' tired. I think I'll go sit in the main courtyard for a while. Come find me if you need anything," and slowly made his way out of the classroom.
I stared after him stupidly for almost an entire minute before turning to Haruhi.
"Sorry, but—"
"Go," she interrupted, giving me a little push. "He needs you."
With a grateful smile, I ran after my brother, glad that he hadn't made it very far. I was already panting by the time I reached the staircase.
"Kaoru!" I called out, starting down the steps, already reaching for him.
"Hikaru? What is it?" he asked with a slightly strained voice as I caught up to him. He regarded my outstretched hand oddly, and I let it fall down, snatching his hand on the way.
"Kaoru, what's going on? Why won't you talk to me?!"
He didn't drop my firmly-established eye-contact, but he looked vaguely uncomfortable, frozen and unwilling.
"Kaoru, talk dammit!"
'Anything to let me know you're all right!' I tried to convey with my eyes.
"Hikaru…I can't Not now…not in front of them…"
I frowned, glancing around to see the girls already beginning their gossip, staring unabashedly at our public spectacle.
Disgusting.
Instead of shouting for them to mind their own business, I pulled my brother back up the stairs, around the corner, and into the bathroom, bending down to check the stalls to make sure we were indeed alone before returning to Hikaru.
I waited a few moments before prompting him with a sharp, "Well?"
"Hikaru…please…" He pulled his hand back, looking miserable. "I…"
I couldn't understand. Nothing between us had changed. Nothing had happened except…
"Kaoru, what was in that dream? It was only a dream!" I near-shouted, getting even more worried and upset.
Surely not…
Kaoru wouldn't dream that about…
"It was…you," he whispered, eyes darting up to my face before looking away again. I could only imagine the expression I had, but it must have been impressive, if Kaoru's reaction was any judge. "You were…"
I was fully prepared to laugh about it, to ignore it and treat it like a joke, but then…
"You left me…You went with Haruhi. I was all alone." He lied to me.
"Kaoru…"
I pulled his face to my chest so he couldn't see the anger, disapproval, and assumptions on my face.
"You know you'd always be there with me," I said, adding for the sake of guilt, "I love you, Kaoru."
"Hikaru…" he murmured. His breath was warm against my chest even through my shirt. For some reason, it made me very uncomfortable.
"Come on, we'd better go to the club now, or else milord will be furious," I admonished.
Kaoru added in a dark mutter, "Or at least Kyouya will." I smiled inwardly both at the words and at the way Kaoru's hand slipped back into mine.
We fit so perfectly together in this way, keeping a brisk walk to the third music room.
Kyouya greeted us with a glare and a curt, "Get busy," before returning to his own girls.
We had a fair number of requests, sitting with approximately three to five at a time, so the time spent wasn't particularly taxing or annoying.
No, what upset me was Kaoru's inching away from me when he thought I wasn't paying attention.
It hurt.
Why was he being so difficult?
I thought we were doomed, at least when Kaoru turned bright red, breath coming a bit quicker than normal. His lower lip was caught between his teeth, an unconscious habit that only happened when Kaoru was concentrating on something, or…
"Can we sit with you?" Haruhi asked, de-railing my train of thought. I looked up at her, but it wasn't my approval she was asking for; she was gazing directly at my flustered brother, who nodded emphatically, making room between the two of us for her to slip a chair in as her guests joined ours.
"Oh, Haruhi's here!" one of the prominent girls exclaimed unnecessarily, prompting all kinds of giggles and whispers.
I managed a discreet glance of apology and gratitude to the 'natural', who brushed the hair out of her face, winking conspiratorially to me from behind her hand.
Kaoru, however, couldn't be bothered to look at me, retreating into his own gloom, lip clenched between pearly-whites.
I don't remember what I said, but I was too worried about Kaoru to pay much attention to anything else.
Kaoru, if not concentrating, only bit his lip when he was in pain, but how I recalled this, I'm still not sure.
Something had to be done about him…
"Haruhi, what's your house like?" a girl asked, dark eyes scrutinizing and shallow.
"Nothing compared to yours, Sachiko-hime," she answered with a smile. Haruhi always seemed to glow when she smiled, almost the same way that Kaoru lit up when he was happy.
I chuckled and added something irrelevant, glancing again over at Kaoru who was watching the table with distant eyes.
I was just relieved when the club was over for the day and I could collect my brother to take him home.
"Kaoru…" I roused him gently, unwilling to startle him.
"Mm?" came the throaty hum in response.
"Time to leave."
He blinked, eyes taking in my face apparently without his conscious consent. "Okay."
He stepped quickly, keeping a few steps ahead of me at all times. I sighed, shifting my bag to my other hand.
It was going to be a long ride home.
It was late, and Kaoru was asleep.
I took advantage of this to call Haruhi, who usually studied well into the night.
"This is Haruhi. Who's this?"
"Hello? Yeah, it's Hikaru. Listen," I began before she could interrupt, getting straight to the point. "I was wondering…do you think Kaoru's been acting odd lately?"
"…Well, yes, but I thought you could fix it without me."
"Yeah, me too." I sighed, switching the phone to my other ear. "He said he had a nightmare last night, and he won't really talk to me about it. I mean, he did say something about it, but I think—" know "—he was lying, because he's been acting so…he said that in his dream I left him all alone to be with…someone else, but then he's been avoiding me all day. It really doesn't add up to me…"
"Just give him some time. I mean, it might be really bad, Hikaru." Haruhi advised at the same time Kaoru rolled over, groaning slightly in his sleep. "Is he there now?"
"He's sleeping now. He might wake up if I keep talking," I said in a low voice.
"Try to let him talk to you. Be really gentle about it, because he can be really sensitive."
I bristled slightly, wondering at her nerve of assuming she knew my brother like I knew him.
"Yeah, I know. I can try, but—"
"You're his brother, aren't you?"
"Well, yes but—"
"Then don't worry so much about it." I heard her smile through the phone. "He'll definitely come to you about it eventually. Things'll work out. Why not ask him to go somewhere this weekend? Like the mall?"
"…okay. I'll try. I don't think he'd really go for something like that, though." I tried not to sound too cold, but I was tired of her thinking she could understand everything about my Kaoru. "Goodnight, Haruhi. Sorry to bother you."
"Not at all. 'Bye."
I dropped the phone into its cradle, frowning and pulling off my shirt. I gently lowered myself to the bed, trying not to wake Kaoru, when—
"Hikaru?" he mumbled, blinking at me pathetically. I felt a bit guilty for waking him, but managed a small smile.
"Shh, Kaoru," I soothed, climbing fully in bed. "Just go back to sleep." He slid closer to me, hands reaching for mine.
"What if I have a nightmare again?" he asked in a voice similar to the one he used when we hosted. I laughed at how juvenile he was behaving, following his act, gently kissing his fingers. His skin flared against mine.
"I'll be here. Don't worry."
He lined our bodies together, drifting slowly into what I hoped was a good, dreamless sleep.
I didn't think I could take any more of his "nightmares"…
Maybe it was the phone call still on my mind.
Maybe it was because I'd fallen asleep tangled in Kaoru.
Maybe it was just my hormones.
All I could feel in the morning was the wood between my legs, Kaoru in my arms, and vivid fantasies I could have never thought of playing on endless repeat in my head.
The alarm was going off, and Kaoru's still-slumbering weight anchored me and my shame to the bed.
"Oh…god…" was all I could manage to say in some desperate attempt to relieve the situation. I tried to remove my body from Kaoru's, but he squeezed me tightly to him, mumbling half-articulate requests.
"K-Kaoru, we're gonna' be l-late," I managed, not even close to normal tone in my voice.
"Eh?" He slackened his hold and I escaped, hurrying to the bathroom as he yawned through some sort of apology.
"Hikaru?" I froze in the door, looking back at him. I felt the agony on my face and couldn't do anything to hide it. "Is something wrong?"
"Not…now…Kaoru…" I grunted, slamming into the bathroom, and sinking to the floor. It certainly felt like I would never return to my normal color, red as I was then. My entire body felt so hot and heavy. The reasonable thing to do was obvious.
I staggered to my feet, waddling over to the shower and turning on the cold water.
I was determined not to have to remedy the situation myself, especially so early in the morning.
I hissed as the water hit my skin, clothes abandoned beside the toilet. I almost shouted as I fully entered the frigid hell.
I wanted to escape into the wetness, but I couldn't risk catching a cold and switched to a warm shower as soon as my problem was…better.
'It was just a slightly long shower.' I reasoned, toweling off my hair as I reentered the room, dressed and ready for the day.
To my astonishment, Kaoru was still lazing on the bed, apparently deep in thought, stirring only at my presence.
"Aren't you gonna' shower?"
"Just tired this morning," he replied with an ambiguous shrug. I hated when he did things like that.
It made him seem too distant.
Uncaring.
"You went to bed early, though. Are you sure you're okay?"
I was only concerned.
I only wanted to help.
"I'm fine," he sniffed frostily, rising to dress. "What about you? Did you have a nightmare?"
He knew…I could tell from the frown on his face and the ice in his eyes.
He was upset.
"I…don't want to talk about it," I muttered, unable to meet with the ice head-on.
His hands on my shoulders jolted my attention back to his face.
"Hikaru, what happened?" Icy, not concerned. "What did you dream about?"
I couldn't think of any good lie, and if he already knew anyway, what was the point of stooping to his lying level?
"I…well…sorta'…had a…sex dream about…Haruhi…" I was gazing at the floor, so I couldn't prepare for his arms coming around me. My head was forced into his chest, arms half-trying to embrace him back. I stopped when I heard his heart, loud and fast in his body.
"There, was that so hard?"
He thought he understood everything, didn't he.
He didn't understand anything.
It had always been "Kaoru, Kaoru, Kaoru."
He had always been the special one. He'd never been second to anyone. He was the good son. I was just the "other twin". It really hurt that everyone could mistake me with him…
…he really was everything I thought perfect was.
I was so happy when Haruhi could tell us apart.
I shoved Kaoru away from me, feeling my nose start to pinch with pent-up emotion; too many to list or define.
"NO!" I shouted. "Don't you understand? I…I love her! I want her—need her—in so many ways! She won't even…she only cares about…" I couldn't finish the sentence.
'Tamaki. The idiot lord. She only wants him.'
I felt Kaoru's body collide with mine again as my vision clouded and blurred.
I was crying.
Me!
All because…
"She'll never love me. She only cares about that guy."
He shivered, and I realized he was only half-dressed, having abandoned his shirt to console me.
He said about as much.
I released him at his timid protests, swiping at my face in vain; no doubt my eyes were red and swollen beyond recovery.
He quickly got ready and looked at me concernedly.
I grabbed my bag, already embarrassed to be so childish about the matter, and took off out the door. Kaoru followed at a distance.
We were in the car, already halfway to school before he said anything.
"Hikaru?" he murmured, eyes nothing like they were before.
"Kaoru," was my terse response before I returned to staring out the window, trying to burn the images out of my brain.
"Hikaru, please…"
I whirled around, anger and irritance plain on my face until I saw the shining surface of his eyes.
I took his hand in mine, identical skin making me feel as if I was merely holding my own numbed hand.
But somehow, Kaoru could always manage to melt away the filthy feelings inside of me, making me want to be a better, more honest person.
"Kaoru…I can't explain it. It feels like…like I'm breaking…"
His empty fingers reached for my cheek as his warmth appeared at my side.
"I know, Hikaru. I know."
It really felt like he did.
His eyes were too much for me, though. I forced my head down to his shoulder before I did something I would definitely regret. I dropped his hand, pulling his body fully against mine. His hands rest on my back, his head resting on top of mine.
I really did love Kaoru, but it wasn't supposed to be this way for us.
After school, I again sat in the car, waiting for Kaoru this time.
We had caused such a scene being dismissed for the day by Kyouya. We had been performing awfully, in his defense.
"Sorry I'm late," Kaoru said, slamming the door behind him, making me jump.
"Kaoru, have you been crying?" I asked, looking at the swollen red beneath his eyes.
"No! I mean, I just bumped into a corner. It hurt," he lied lamely and defensively.
"Who made you cry?"
Full big-brother-mode activate.
Ass-kicking time…maybe.
"Hikaru, really, it was nothing. Just me being stupid." I rolled my eyes at him.
"Let's go home."
"We already are, stupid."
He laughed at me, and I flushed, noticing the scenery rolling by at increasing speed.
"Shut up or I'll never leave you alone about this."
He shut up, still smiling a little.
'At least he'll be okay.'
When we got home, Kaoru went to take his shower. I sat down on the bed and pulled off my tie as the door opened slowly. A maid entered, holding out the phone-tray.
I frowned at it, answering, "Hello? This is Hikaru."
"Hikaru? It's Haruhi." I froze, fingers numbing as my brain flashed through images it had taken all day to suppress.
"Listen, I talked to Kaoru today. He told me everything."
"…Oh?"
She laughed through the phone, the noise making me jump a little.
"Hikaru, if you liked me, why didn't you say anything?" She paused as she waited for me to catch some unknowable hint in her words.
"Hikaru, I like you too. I really thought that you'd be better about this kind of thing."
"Sorry to disappoint you," I murmured, trying to grasp what she had said.
"So…are we dating now or something?"
"I…don't know…Do you want to?"
"Why do you think I called?"
The world suddenly looked a lot brighter.
Even Kaoru's tears could be forgotten for the bit of glory and joy that a single phone call had brought me.
Wow! The long-awaited other side! Or maybe I'm the only one who thinks so...
Anyways, enjoy. JfS is coming to an end, and this story is just kicking off.
Don't think I've stopped writing JfS, it's still in the agenda. I'll try to finish it before the next chapter here.
Au revoir, mes amis. Je t'adore!
