The messed up world of Harry Potter
By Scorch-X
Chapter 1: Umbridge is a big fat bitch
It was the morning after Professor Dumbledore had escaped the castle, following the discovery and forced disbanding of Dumbledore's Army. In the great hall, Harry and several other of the DA members were moping around the library, cursing their bad luck, and especially Dolores Umbridge. Suddenly, their was a flash of light, and a stranger appeared.
"Oh hey Scorch." Harry said
"Whose this guy then?" Seamus asked
"Scorch Themlight, i write fanfiction." the guy said
"Fanfiction?" Hermione asked
"Yeah, about Harry and the war against Voldemort." Scorch replied
"It's pronounced Vol-de-more, the T is silent." Harry said
"Really? In the movies, they pronounced it with a T." Scorch replied
"What's a movie?" Ron asked
"Okay guys, this may be shocking, but this guy comes from a pararel world, where everything that happens here to us is recorded in a series of books." Harry said
"That's impossible." Hermione replied
"No, it's possible. And i know one thing, Ferret is about to enter in 3.2.1. Cue Ferret boy." Scorch said, as Draco walked in with Crabbe and Goyle.
"Well, Dumbass' Associated, what are you doing here?" he asked
"Fuck off Malfoy." Ron replied
"10 points off Gryffindor for that profanity Weasel King." Malfoy said
"What the hell? Prefects can't dock points, you dumb bastard." Harry said
"If they can, 1000 points from Slytherin on account of you being an arsehole." Ron said
"20 points from Gryffindor for that Pothead, Weasel King." Malfoy said, "Prefects can't dock points, but members of the Inquisitorial Squad can dock points. You know, I'm glad that Umbridge closed down your stupid club. Umbridge is the best thing to happen to this school."
"Mate, if you loose your nose, you'll find it in Umbridges big fat arse." Scorch commented
"What?" Draco spat, "Who the hell are you?"
Scorch waved his hand over Malfoy's face, "I am not here."
"You are not here." Draco said
"You will hop on one foot." Scorch said, causing Draco to hop on one foot, leading to laughter.
"Draco Malfoy is a poo poo head." Scorch said
"I am a poo poo head." Draco said, causing everyone, even Crabbe and Goyle to laugh. Draco suddenly came back to his senses.
"1000 points of Gryffindor!" Malfoy said
"3000 points of Slytherin and 1000 points to Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw." Scorch whispered. Draco looked at the hourglasses with confusion.
"What the hell's wrong with this damn thing?" he asked, then suddenly his robes had "Muggles are awesome." emblazed on the back.
"That's it, Umbridge should expell the lot of you!" Draco snapped
"Only cos she's a big dumb stupid bit..." Harry started
"You dare complete that sentence, and you'll loose your house 200 points."
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeellll!" Harry started
"I'm warning you Potter!" Malfoy said
"Okay, okay..." Harry said, then suddenly music began to play, and harry stated to sing, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLL, Umbridge a bitch, she's a big dumb bitch, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, She's a bitch to all the boys and girls." Harry sang
"Shut your fucking mouth potter!" Malfoy yelled
"On Monday she's a bitch, On Tuesday she's a bitch
On Wednesday thru Saturday she's a bitch Then on Sunday just to be different,
She's a super king kamehameha bitch." Harry sang
"Come on all, let's sing along!" Scorch said
"Have you ever met Professor Umbridge, She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair, She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, She's a stupid bitch, Umbridge is a bitch,
And she's such a dirty bitch.
Talk to kids around the world,
It might go a little something like this...
Umbridge est une chienne stupide, une chienne sourde-muette,
Umbridge is een stom wijfje, een stom wijfje, oh wat een wijfje
是一条愚笨的母狗,一条沉默寡言的母狗,哦母狗
Have you ever met Professor Umbridge,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,"
Suddenly, the library doors opened, and Umbridge walks in. Everyone gasped, except Harry whose too busy singing. Scorch was rolling on the floor, laughing his arse off, not noticing Umbridge.
"She's a mean old bitch, she has stupid hair, She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch
Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch."
"Oh shit, Harry, HARRY!" Ron hissed
"She's a stupid bitch, Umbridge's a bitch,
And she's such a dirty bitch; I really mean it,
Umbridge, she's a big dumb, stinking bitch
Big old dumb fuckin' bitch, Ummmmmbriiiiiiiiiiiiidge!
Yeahhhhh, Chaaaaa" Harry finished. Seeing everyone looking horrified, he asked
"What's wrong with you guys?" he asked. Scorch stood up.
"Who stopped the music?" he asked. Then seeing Umbridge advaning, he gave a cry of fright, and vanished. Harry saw umbridge marching over, and he muttered something that bore an uncanny reseblence to "Oh shit."
The next day, Harry was sitting at the table for breakfast. from his right hand to the elbow read "I will not call professor Umbridge" and down his left arm continued "a big dumb fucking bitch." Later in the day during lunch, Umbridge gave out a loud croak and transformed into a giant toad, causing every member of staff to snigger, even Snape.
"Snapes scary when he laughs." Neville said
