Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does. I only own the parts of this story not taken from her works.

This story was born because, as much as I loved the entire Twilight series, I could pinpoint the exact moment I lost touch with Bella. We never really connected again after she blindly accepted Edward back after the visit to Volterra. I could not wrap my head around her reaction to the situation, so I wrote this to help myself make better sense of their situation.

It takes place at the end of New Moon after everyone returns from Italy. A slightly different take on how Bella and Edward dealt with the aftermath of his decision to leave her in Forks.

____________________________________

Bella

This had to stop. As he stared down at me, waiting for me to fall asleep, I knew it was time. I was becoming too comfortable with his being here again, holding me with one arm and tracing his fingers over my body with his other. His icy cool skin sending chills down my spine. The sweet smell of his breath on my neck was driving me wild. Every moment he stayed I was just delaying the inevitable, making it harder to deal with the reality of our situation.

Nothing has changed, I told myself, he doesn't love you. Maybe, he never did.

He thinks he can again, because of what I had to go through to save him, but it won't last. He'll grow bored once again and leave. I lived through it the first time because a part of me always knew that I had never deserved him, and that sentiment would get me through the pain again, but the more I let his presence penetrate into the numbness that I had worked so hard to shield myself with the harder it would be to recollect once he was gone.

I should have dealt with this on the plane as we returned from Italy, but I was so tired that I didn't think I would be able to get through it. And then he didn't help by holding on to me like that and humming my lullaby into my ear with that soft, velvety voice. I spent the entire flight in his arms and never wanted the trip to end, but I should have had this conversation then and there. That was my first mistake.

My second was allowing his family to escort me back to Forks. I was already an 18 year old adult and therefore perfectly capable of flying by myself from Atlanta to Seattle. I tried to put up a small but unsuccessful protest. They wouldn't hear it and, thinking back, I don't blame them. It was half-hearted and I refused to let go of Edward for more than 30 seconds at a time. I must of looked scared and pathetic. They probably thought that it was my memories of Volterra that scared me, but I know it was because I was afraid of losing them.

Actually, that's not even true. I knew I would be losing them again; there was no way to stop that. I was afraid of what came after that, of going back to living without my other half. I was afraid of the darkness and the numbness that had enveloped my world since he left. I had worked very hard to try and convince Charlie and Renee and Jacob that I was recovering. I knew that wasn't true, but every day my fake smiles grew more and more convincing. The further back I fell, the more noticeable it would be and they would lose faith in my progress. I shouldn't do that to them because they cared about me so much.

That's why this had to stop. Now.

Taking a deep breath and silently gathering all of my strength, I sat up and swung my legs over the side of my bed, hunched over trying to collect my words.

He was immediately concerned and I felt him sit straight up. How was I supposed to start this? I could feel his gorgeous amber eyes burning holes into my back as I struggled to find the right words. Should I try to feign disinterest and pretend that I didn't really want him around anymore now that I was recovered? Was I even capable of it? Probably not, acting was never a strength of mine.

Maybe anger would work. I could try to make him believe that I was so angry over his leaving me and over his stupid, failed attempt to end his life over this incomprehensible sense of misplaced guilt that I never wanted to see him again. But, then again, my behavior hasn't exactly screamed suppressed rage lately, so he wouldn't buy it.

"Bella, what's wrong?" He tried to grab my hand but I pulled it away and grasped it with my other. Elbows on my knees, I cradled my forehead in my hands.

This was it. No turning back. I couldn't even look at him. Honesty, that's what it would have to be.

"We need to talk."

He looked at the floor. "I know."

My heart stopped. Of course he knew. It's not like he was cruel or cold hearted. Figuratively, at least. He was capable of love and full of compassion. He knew that he had hurt me and I knew that it hurt him to do it. But he knew that continuing the lie would only hurt more. A clean break, he had said at the time. That's what we needed again.

As much as I had been preparing my head for the conversation to come, my heart wanted no part of it. The part of me that was hoping he would stay, hoping that he could find something in me to love again, was crushed by his acknowledgement. He knew why he had to go and that meant he knew that he couldn't love me again.

"Good, then maybe this will be less difficult than I thought," I lied. I threw in one of my much practiced half smiles to try and remain convincing.

Suddenly, without my seeing how, he was in front of me, on his knees and taking both of my hands into his. They were cold and hard but they still sent the most thrilling sensation through my limbs. He looked up earnestly into my eyes and I stared back at him confused. How was this helpful? Maybe he was not going to be as cooperative as I had thought.

"I owe you an explanation."

"Edward, no…"

"Yes," he cut me off. This was going to be painful, but he obviously needed to get it off his chest. I still loved his so much I could never deny him this. "Yes I do. I honestly thought it was the best thing, the kindest thing for you…"

Nope. I definitely couldn't handle this conversation. Short, sweet and clean, that's what this needed to be. None of this would be helpful to either of us, I was sure of it. I must still look a wreck. I needed to convince him that I was ok without him feeling like he needs to talk me into it.

"Edward, you owe me no explanation. You were doing what you thought to be best, I am sure of it." He was staring at the floor again, so I put a finger on his chin and lifted his face up so his eyes met a genuine smile in mine. "You are a good man, a compassionate man, and I know that you never wanted to hurt me. I understand that now in a way that I couldn't grasp before. I won't deny that I didn't take it well at the time but that is my own fault, not yours. You let me down very gently, I was just too wrapped up in my own world to see it coming at the time. These last seven months have given me a perspective that I was not capable of last September."

He looked confused, not good. He wasn't buying it. I tried again.

"It was been wonderful to see you again." Wonderful… that was the understatement of the century. "It really has given me a sense of closure that I'd been missing." At the word 'closure' his eyes had hardened and he looked like, if he could have been, he would be sick. But I had a job to finish and I needed to finish it now.

"I am fully recovered from the trip to Italy," I said as firmly as I possibly could. I couldn't stop myself from shaking. "But I think we both know that the longer you stay in Forks the harder it is going to be when you do finally go."

I looked into his eyes and was greeted with nothing but a blank stare. I thought we were on the same page. Why was he acting this way?

"I would like the chance to say goodbye to them this time, but I thinks its best that you and your family get back to whatever life you are living now before it's too much disrupted."

He looked positively heartbroken. What had I done wrong? Why wouldn't he agree with me?

"You're asking me to leave? You don't want me to stay?" His eyes burned with the question. I didn't know what to say. "I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness and I will never ask for it. What I did was unpardonable, even if I thought it was for the best, but I won't deny that I was hoping…" He reached up, held my face in his hand and brushed my cheek with his thumb.

This was too much. "Edward I'm confused. I thought this would be easy for you. I'm trying to give you a clean break, to let you know that you can leave without all of that guilt on your conscience because I am going to…" I couldn't say be fine, because I think we both knew that wasn't true. "…survive. Look," I was gaining confidence now, this was what I really needed him to hear, "I am a human, Edward. One day I am going to die. It is inevitable. I may fall down a flight of stairs tomorrow. I may have cancer in 15 years or I may just slip quietly into the night at the ripe age of 85. I don't how it will happen but it will. And this is the part I need you to understand, Edward." I took a deep breath. "It won't be your fault. I will never feel as strongly as I did for you about anyone else, but that doesn't mean I can't find meaning and purpose for my life. So when the inevitable happens you can't just run off to Italy again and put your family through all of this."

I have no idea how long we stared at each other, trying to understand, but at some point he looked away. "Do you think I went to Italy because I felt guilty?"

"Why else would you do something so stupid?" I snapped back. It was a little harsh but this conversation was getting out of hand and I was frustrated.

He looked into my eyes again and they were full of so much emotion that I was immediately lost in them. All of my anger at him melted away and I was left only with anger for myself for hurting him like that.

"Bella," he grabbed my face with both of his hands and pulled me towards him, our lips almost touching. The sweet smell of his breath washed over me making any attempt at resistance futile. "Whether it was seven months or 70 years, I had never planned to outlive you by much. Any existence without you seemed entirely meaningless." He kissed me and I did not even try to stop him. As usual, I never wanted it to end and didn't even remember what had just happened until he pulled me away from him, too soon as always.

But I needed that to get my head back in the game. I pulled back, cautious and wary. "Edward, I'm confused." He wouldn't let me look away.

"I knew that trying to convince you I didn't love you would be the only way you would have a chance to move on, but I never thought you would believe me as quickly as you did. It hurt that you were able to discredit everything we had been to each other so easily. How could you think that I didn't love you then, that I don't love you still."

My fragile grip on the real world was faltering fast. Without think words started spilling out of my mouth.

"I never understood what you saw in me Edward." I didn't even try to stop the tears. "I always thought you were so far out of my league I shouldn't have been able to see you without squinting. You knew that. I was always waiting for the day when I woke up from the fantasy, waiting for the day when you would realize the mistake you made. Of course I believed it. I still believe it. You were very convincing and you didn't even have to be."

"It was a lie." He was getting frustrated now too. It just fueled my own anger.

"Which part?"

"Listen to me, and this is the truth. Since we first met, there has never been a moment when I didn't love you."

This was too much for my brain to handle. I got up and moved across the room, away from him. "Why are you doing this? Do you have any idea what I have gone through these last few months? You ripped to shreds any self confidence, any feeling of self worth I had, which was not much to start with. I hardly ate. I hardly spoke to anyone. I scream in my sleep so often that Charlie has stopped coming to check and see if I am ok. Finally, recently, I have begun to build back something that, on the outside, resembles a normal human life and now you come at me with this?"

He tried to interrupt but I was on a roll. My welling tears continued streaming unashamedly down my face. So much for trying to assure him that I was capable of being at peace without him.

"I don't think you can ever understand how broken I felt, how broken I still feel when I think of my life without you and your family. I will never be whole and I have accepted that and was trying my best to move on. Now you feel bad and want to think that you always loved me but you don't, Edward. You'll get bored again and move on and I will be left here alone again to…"

I couldn't even put words together anymore. My knees collapsed but I never hit the floor. He had caught me and had me in his arms in an instant. He laid me down on the bed and climbed on top of me, gently but with purpose, cutting off any future attempt at escape.

"Bella, what do I have to do to convince you that you're wrong? I left because I thought it was what was best for you. I thought you would have a better chance at happiness away from our monstrous existence and it killed me every single day that I was away from you. I was even beginning to contemplate coming back and begging you to make me whole again when Rose called. I know that I would have soon. For all of my arrogant belief in my supposed self-control, I was near my breaking point."

There was something so convincing in his eyes, full of concern and so gentle at the same time, that I could do nothing but stare at him and try to process what I was hearing.

"You have handled yourself in this situation so much better than I did and you have every right to be angry and to reject me. I promise that I will walk away if that is what you want, but I will not go until you understand that I am being entirely sincere. I would never say this unless I truly meant it because I would never ever hurt you like that."

I couldn't take my eyes away from his. The earnestness in them captivated me and made me really want to believe him. Did I want to believe him because it was true or did I want to believe him because I knew it would comfort him if I did? I was fighting two urges, one to give him everything he seemed to think he wanted by running back into his arms, and one to run far away and save myself the pain of a second, inevitable separation.

I wanted to understand. I am not sure when the realization hit me, because it came on so gradually. Eventually, I knew what I had to do and there was no other option. I couldn't even imagine how I could have thought differently.

"Edward…"

____________________

This is my first story, so any feedback would be helpful!!