Judas wanted to nail Jesus. Despite being Judas' boyfriend, Jesus didn't reciprocate and this constant nagging for sex from his beloved was a thorn in his side. No matter what he did, Jesus was unable to do a Lazarus on his penis to get it prepared to enter Judas' Holy Land which left Judas in Israehell- destined to die a virgin. He thought perhaps Jesus had a mild Oedipus complex leading him to have a thing for Virgins. Judas wanted to be a VERY Bad Samaritan so much that when he saw an attractive Roman soldier walk past an idea made its genesis in his mind. Perhaps he could try and start a relationship with a side chick. Of course this went contrary to the 6th Commandment of avoiding adultery, but Judas reasoned that due to Israel's restrictive policy of only allowing Orthodox Jews to get married, cheating on one's boyfriend was permitted. As Pales-time was short, Judas made a move on the nearest hunk he saw. Swaying seductively, Judas walked up to his target and Jerusa-leant on him. Somehow he managed to disci-pull him. Judas sprinted back to the Roman soldier's house and un-sheathed his sword, trying to make him leviticum. The soldier screamed "get Deuter-on me," so Judas obliged. After that Judas tried to be St Denis, and gave the soldier head. They did some fetish stuff with Judas dressing up as his female alter-ego Jasminus, and he was much better than the next cross dressing Christian figure Joan of Arc. Ooooooo burn. Feeling very into Christian culture they then tried to do sex Catholic style but the soldier wasn't a fan of age play.

That night Judas returned to his and Jesus' house for a mad sesh. St Catherine, under her alter-ego Dead or Alive, played her hit song Spin Me Round (Like A Record), and then the squad sat down for a meal. The solider, worried that Judas might think of him as solely a one night stand, was waiting outside the house with silver coins to spot a glance of his darling. When he saw Judas lean over to kiss Jesus on the cheek an idea came into his mind. Not realising that Judas and Jesus were in a relationship, he decided to give Judas the silver coins so the three of them could have sex together. Judas happily obliged, so he persuaded Jesus to come out to the edge of town with him on the pretence of putting a cross on a dead family members' grave. When they reached the cemetery the solider came out and started nailing the both of them on the cross. They were all in heaven, and Morgan Freeman looked down proudly on his son.

This is how the story of Jesus' crucifixion really went. The thorns on his head were merely down to Judas refusing to shave, his second coming was because the sex was so good, he rendered everyone else's sins forgivable as their homosexual acts were far worse than any other crime committed, he was beaten and attacked by Romans but hey, don't kinkshame.