Usually I have my author's note at the end of each chapter, but I thought I better do this one before. I want to put a trigger warning with this chapter because there's talk of suicide and I don't want anyone to be alarmed.

Why is there talk of suicide? Because I'm an angsty piece of crap that loves writing angsty things and how people cope and heal from it. I also feel like Cheritz did a good job with setting up Saeran to be the angsty character, so here we are.

I also didn't give her the usual MC title, I switched it up a bit, because this is Saeran's MC. I don't picture her as the usual, so I just wanted to switch it up!

I've started adding in my playlist in my other stories, so with this chapter, I listened to the Fryderyk Chopin radio on Pandora. Every now and then I switched to Trap Rap radio, but I can't concentrate as well with that one because I'm too busy picturing myself as a balla. Sorry, I'll shut up now.

Until next time!


The wind always was more intense at the top of a building. Down below it could be gentle and smooth, but almost always, it was harsh and bitingly cold when high up. It would lull and then come back in full force, as if urging the figure perched on the ledge to actually lean forward like they sometimes wanted to.

It wasn't really that they wanted to die, but rather that they didn't want to live. There wasn't anything fulfilling about their life. They'd lost purpose, and it was no one's fault but their own. It was their decisions that lead to the mistakes that just couldn't be forgotten. The people they now surrounded themself with told them that it wasn't their fault, that they didn't hold them responsible, but they didn't miss the way those people's eyes darkened as they looked away.

No, those people lied. He'd grown up being told they were liars, and even though he realized that whatever those lies were weren't true, they were liars in other ways. No matter how many times they assured him that he was one of them, he knew he never truly would be.

Saeran Choi watched the tiny figures of people walking below him, bathed in the golden glow of the streetlamps. They seemed like little ants moving up and down their tunnels, and he was the scientist analyzing their movements. But in reality, he was the bug under inspection.

He'd been out of the hospital for a year already, but sometimes he still felt the drug's effects on him. It wasn't really there, he knew it had gotten out of his system long ago, but the psychological effects hadn't. No amount of medicine could make him forget the things he'd done, and no amount of therapy could take away the bitterness he felt toward himself.

The wind whipped around him again, sharp with the bite of winter. He pulled his crimson jacket further around his shoulders, burying his mouth and nose in the fur collar. The light from down below didn't really penetrate his perch on top of the building. It was the perfect representation, he thought. The rest of the world went on in the light, while he watched from the shadows. It was how it would always be.

Saeran came up to this rooftop often. It was the tallest building in his area, with the best view of the city, and of the night sky. When his brother, Saeyoung, had brought him home and given him his own room, Saeran had finally been able to have his own space. He had the freedom to do whatever he wanted with it, so he'd gotten a bookshelf, and enough books to fill it. Among those books were ones of astronomy. He'd memorized every constellation, every major star, in the sky, and went to that building to map them.

Now that winter was in full swing, he didn't come there much. That night in particular was another of his rough nights. The ones where he felt particularly useless and insignificant in the world. He let his feet dangle toward the street far below, and not for the first time since he'd come there, he wondered what it would feel like to fall. Would he be scared? Or, more worryingly, would he feel nothing at all? And, most importantly, would he regret it?

Of course he would. Saeran regretted every decision he'd ever made in his life, so it was only natural that would be one. The image of his brother's fiancé, MC, flashed in the back of his head, and he squeezed his eyes shut. It figured that she would come to his mind then, she always did when thoughts of harm threatened to become reality. She was the only one keeping him from doing it, despite the fact that she was also the one who put those ideas in his head.

It wasn't her fault, which was typical of Saeran's every day struggles. His fucked up head still wasn't clear, no matter the many treatments and medications he'd undergone. He knew he shouldn't, but by everything that was good in the world, he loved her. He loved MC with every fiber of his being, but so much like the twist of fate that liked to mock him, she loved his twin instead. The man with the same face as him.

He couldn't be surprised by it, he'd lived with knowing that his brother was better than him for his entire life. And just when he thought that maybe, just maybe, he could do something better than him, the world would remind him that he couldn't. He'd found MC first, fallen in love with her before she'd even met 707, and yet he'd allowed their romance to flourish. He'd watched from the other side of the computer screen as his brother slowly won her over, and there was nothing he could have done.

But no amount of times that thoughts of his death came to his head, the images of the sidewalk rushing closer to him before darkness, could make him block out the tears MC would likely shed. She'd cried because of him far too many times. So there he was, Saeran Choi, seated atop the roof of a building, so worthless that he couldn't even lean forward the few centimeters it would take to end his miserable existence.

Gradually snowflakes began to lightly fall around him, standing out in contrast to his crimson hair as they caught in it. He pulled his phone out of his pocket to glance at the time and grimaced as he saw how late it was. He didn't plan on staying out that long, but the crushing weight of his depression had rooted him to the spot. Even the ants on the sidewalk had turned in for the night.

He sighed, his breath trailing up in the air above him, disappearing as the wind rushed across the rooftop again. Just as he was about to rise to his feet, he heard the door to the roof screech open. His mint gaze fell upon a slight figure in a tattered blue jacket, a darker blue hat pulled down over raven locks that fell to the small of their back. The petite frame and hair gave away the fact that it was a woman, but the dirt on her face and oversized jacket obscured any femininity she possessed.

He stayed silent, watching her curiously as she looked around the dark space, and then journeyed to the ledge. Saeran was surprised she hadn't seen him, what with his fiery hair and equally neon jacket, no matter how dark it was. She leaned forward slightly, looking down at the street below. Eventually, she carefully stepped up onto the ledge that he himself was seated on.

Suspicion of her intent compelled him to swing his legs back to the safety of solid cement, and he silently crept toward her. She spread her arms like she was waiting to embrace someone, her breath swirling around her as the wind unmercifully coaxed her forward. He saw her start to lean.

Saeran didn't know what possessed him in that moment, if it was the fear that stabbed his stomach, or the recognition of himself in her that gripped his heart, but he bolted forward, shouting, "Wait!"

The girl jumped, twisting to look back at him as she fell forward. Saeran could only remember that moment in slow motion, the way her hat flew from her head to allow her hair to flow like a halo around her. As she passed the ledge of the building, whatever light that made it that high from down below illuminated the tears on her face. In that moment, she was an angel. In that moment, she was the most beautiful thing Saeran had ever seen.

Pain spread through his abdomen as the rough cement tore open his stomach, his jacket having ridden up with his outstretched arm. His fingers had managed to catch the girl's wrist, and her weight pulled him relentlessly against the building. He spread his legs, crushing his knees against the jagged cut of the four foot wall that served as a barrier to the rooftop, to keep from falling himself.

The girl stared up at him in shock, as if not comprehending that she was dangling over forty stories. He struggled to keep his grip on her slim wrist, trying to pull her up with whatever upper body strength he could muster.

"You-" She said, and then, realizing her predicament, clasped onto his wrist as well.

Finally, mustering his strength, Saeran pulled, using his already bruised knees as leverage. Once she was past the ledge, he wrapped his arms around her torso to pull her back to safety. He stumbled as the momentum carried him backward, and he fell, pulling her with him.

They laid in silence, Saeran's chest heaving as the snow continued to fall around them. His eyes traveled down to the girl who was still sprawled over his body, her head resting on his chest. She was shaking, which he didn't blame her for, but then he saw the dampness on his jacket. Her shoulders weren't shaking from the fear she'd obviously had, but rather, the sobs that were now starting to escape her mouth.

He sat up on his arms, watching as she continued to cry against him. He knew those tears, knew the pain in her chest that allowed the sobs to escape, and so he only sat there until she quieted. After a few minutes of silence, she pulled away from him, resting back on her knees.

Now that he was able to see her up close, he could see the large grey eyes that were swollen and red from crying. The tears had left streaks down her cheeks, clearing away the dirt from their trail. Her hair was clumped from days, or possibly weeks, of going unbrushed, and she smelled just about as bad as she looked.

They stared at each other for a long while, neither seeming to know what to say. Finally, the girl yielded first, and said, "Um…" She swallowed, "I don't know what to say."

That wasn't what he was expecting.

"Why?"

Her eyes widened slightly, "What?"

Saeran sat up straight, crossing his legs, "Why did you do that?"

She looked back at him indifferently, "I was trying to kill myself."

"I know that," he snapped back, "but why?"

"Because I didn't think anyone was up here."

"No, you're not getting what I'm asking." He pinched the bridge of his nose. It was like talking to his brother in a female body, "Why would you kill yourself?"

"That's…" She looked away, "None of your business."

He didn't miss that tone. It was the same tone he'd used before when MC tried to lift the walls he'd built around himself. He knew that she wouldn't tell him, and he knew, unlike others, that he shouldn't press the matter. Instead, he sighed and rose to his feet, holding out his hand, "Well come on, then."

She looked up hesitantly, "Where are we going?"

"I'll walk you home."

Her eyes clouded over and she shook her head, hiding her face in the collar of her old jacket, "There is no home for me."

Saeran's hand faltered for a moment as memories of his childhood swept him up, "Then where do you live?"

She looked up at him.


"Here?" Saeran asked in amazement, covering his mouth and nose with the crook of his arm. They were standing outside an old, what looked like, abandoned building. The smell wafting out of the broken out windows was that of urine and mildew, and he was no longer curious as to why she herself smelled so bad. "This looks like a crack house."

"It is." She said simply, looking up at the brick building, "But it has a roof and is full of people whose body heat keeps it warm for the most part. They're all usually tweaked out, so I don't worry much about my safety either."

Saeran arched his eyebrow, "But still…"

"Well," She turned to him and bowed in thanks, her dirty hair falling forward from around her shoulders, "thank you for walking me home. Next time I'll make sure no one is up there so I don't inconvenience them."

His eyes widened and something in his chest constricted. She…thought that she had inconvenienced him? And she was going to try it again? He watched her step toward the building.

"Wait."

The feeling of iron restraints weighting down his wrists, the stinging of his mother's abuse, the pains as he starved alone in a dark room, the utter emptiness, caused him to reach out and grab her wrist like he had on top of the building. She paused, turning her head to look back at him.

He was surprised with himself in that moment, his body moving without his permission. He was silent in his surprise, and then the hand that held hers fell to his side, "Come back to my house. You can have a shower and get some food. Maybe a real bed."

Her mouth opened slightly, and he could see that she wanted to, but instead said, "You've done enough for me tonight."

He frowned, "It's not my house, actually, it's my brother's. So you can't even say that you would be inconveniencing me."

She turned to look at him, clasping her hands in front of her, "You…don't think he'd mind?"

"Trust me, Saeyoung is the most understanding and patient human being on this earth." Saeran muttered, thinking back to all of the times he'd lashed out at him. To the time he'd wanted to kill him and had the chance. Saeyoung still didn't hold that against him.

Her eyes brightened for the first time that night, and her lips quirked into a half smile, "Really?"

Saeran shrugged, "Only if you want."

The snow was still falling as they made their way to Saeran's house. His head was tipped up to watch it come down, their shoes crunching it with every step. The girl cleared her throat after a while, making him glance at her out of the corner of his eye. She met his mint gaze, "What's your name?"

"I didn't tell you?" He asked, somewhat amazed with himself, "It's Saeran."

She smiled, "Nice to meet you, Saeran. My name is Emcee."

His eyes widened, "Emcee?"

"Yep." She tilted her head back and closed her eyes, opening her mouth to catch snowflakes, "Weird isn't it?"

He shook his head, "My brother's fiancé's name is MC."

"Wow, really?" Her face lit up in excitement, "I didn't think anyone else had the same name as me."

"You might meet her, but she might be asleep already."

They walked the rest of the way in silence, and Emcee watched in utter amazement as Saeran unlocked Saeyoung's extensive security system. He held the door open for her, and then passed her in the hall as she looked around the space in wonder, "This place is fancy."

"It's a dump if you ask me." He muttered, walking into his bedroom to grab some of his clothes.

"It's better than a crack house."

He paused for a moment, mentally kicking himself for his comment. Of course the place was nicer than a crack house, it was nicer than the prison he'd lived in for so long, too. Without a second thought about it, he came back out and handed her a pair of black sweatpants and a blue shirt, "Here, you can wear this while I put your clothes in the washer. The shower is right in there."

She twisted to look in the direction he pointed, and then took the clothes from him, "Thank you, Saeran."

A door opened up behind him, and both he and Emcee turned to find a woman with chestnut hair rubbing her eyes from both sleepiness and the light, "Saeran? What are you doing up so late?"

"I could ask you the same thing, MC." He said, quieter now that he knew he'd woken her up.

MC blinked at the sight of the unfamiliar person in the room, "Who's this?"

Saeran stepped back to allow her to see the other woman better, "Her name is Emcee, she needed a place to stay for the night."

"Wow," MC grinned, making his heart leap, "I've never met anyone with the same name as me."

"That's what I said." Emcee responded.

"I'll make you something to eat while you're in the shower." Saeran said, "Take your time."

Both he and MC watched her go, and once the door was shut, MC crossed her arms, "She looks rough. Do you know her?"

"In a way." He commented, seeing much of his pain in the other woman's eyes, "I met her on top of a roof and told her I'd walk her home. I didn't know 'home' was a crack house."

MC cocked her head, "Does she…?"

He shook his head, "In her words, it was a roof and a warm place."

"Jeez." MC whispered, "No wonder she smelled and looked so bad. Poor thing."

Saeran moved past her, catching the whiff of her shampoo, and started to rummage around for some food. MC appeared by his side, helping him find something to make her. In the end, they whipped up some eggs and bacon. MC sat on the counter behind him, watching as he flipped the sizzling meat, "So, you said she doesn't have anywhere to go?"

"Nope, that's why I offered for her to stay here tonight." He said, taking a drink of the orange juice he'd poured for himself.

"Hmm." MC hummed to herself, "I'm sure Saeyoung wouldn't mind if she stayed here until finding a proper home."

He glanced back at her, "You don't even know the girl."

"Neither do you." She shot back, "I'm actually surprised with you, Saeran. I didn't think you'd do something like this on a whim."

He looked away, remembering the sight of Emcee falling from the building. "Yeah. Me either."

The door to the bathroom clicked open, and Emcee walked out into the living room holding her dirty clothes. MC hopped off the counter and held out her arms, "Here, I'll take those and wash them for you."

Saeran felt his eyes widen at the sight of Emcee. Now that she was clean, and her hair was no longer in a clump, she looked more like a girl. Actually, she looked every bit as beautiful as she had in that moment on the roof. He tore his gaze away, not wanting to burn his bacon.

"You don't have to do that." Emcee said shyly.

"I insist. If you take a shower, you can't put dirty clothes back on, that's the rules of cleanliness." MC took them from the other woman, wrinkling her nose as soon as they were in her arms, "On second thought, maybe we should just get rid of these."

Emcee's eyes widened, "I-I don't have anything else!"

MC winked, "That's what plastic money cards are for, dear."

Saeran smiled to himself. That was just like her to be kind to someone she'd just met. It was one of her endless redeeming qualities that had made him fall in love with her. He watched them speak to each other, Emcee's animated worry and MC's caring smile. It was infectious, and he knew that sooner or later the smaller woman would have to yield.

She did in the end, after MC told her she'd buy her the cheapest clothes she could find.

"Here." Saeran sat a heaping plate of eggs and bacon in front of Emcee.

She made a delighted noise and looked up at him, "All of this?"

He arched an eyebrow, "'All'? That's half of what I usually eat."

"That's cause you and Saeyoung eat like horses." MC muttered, "Don't worry about a thing, Emcee, eat as much as you want."

Tears pooled in her eyes, "T-thank you both so much."

After she was finished, Saeran lead her to his bedroom, where he flicked on the lights, revealing a nearly spotless room. She stood next to him in the doorway, her hands clutched at her chest, "I can sleep on the couch-"

"Don't be an idiot and just sleep in my bed." He interrupted, "It's not like I've never slept on a couch before."

He watched her climb into bed and then sat down on the edge next to her. The door was only cracked slightly, and he thought he'd seen MC go back into the room she shared with his brother. Looking down at her as she adjusted herself, he asked, "You still won't answer me, will you?"

"About what?" She asked.

"Why you wanted to do it."

Her eyes drifted to his hand at her side, lost in thought, "No."

He shrugged, "Whatever. I'll be on the couch if you need anything."

"Wait." For the first time that evening, she was the one to reach out to him. He was standing, but half bent back as her hand rooted him to the spot, "Why were you there?"

"Me?" He didn't turn to look at her, "Wishful thinking, I guess."

"I don't know what that means. Wait!" She tugged him again as he tried to leave, and this time he looked back at her. Her porcelain face was tinged with pink as she said, "Don't leave."

He arched an eyebrow, "What?"

"Stay here…with me." The pink turned to red, "It's nothing dirty, I promise! I just…it would be nice not to be alone at least for one night."

For a moment he was going to say no, but then, not for the first time that night, his body moved without permission. He pulled the blankets back and slipped into the space next to her, both of them lying on their backs. He didn't know what it was about this girl, this Emcee, but she held some sort of power over him much like the other. Maybe it was the way that he recognized her pain and loneliness. Or maybe it was the way he felt like he needed to save her, because he himself couldn't be.

"I see it in you." She said quietly after he'd turned off the lights, "The pain. I saw it when our eyes met."

"You don't know what you're talking about." He whispered back.

She chuckled, but it was more sad than happy, "You don't fool me, Saeran. I know every trick in the book for putting up walls and diverting attention to myself, because I've used all of them. So I also know you were on the roof because you wanted to do the same thing as me."

"You're wrong."

"Am I?"

He turned onto his side to face her, "I don't want to kill myself."

"But you wonder what it be like if you did."

He was right, she was exactly like him. "So what if I do?"

He felt the bed shift as she turned to face him, too, "Then what's so bad about me wanting to?"

"Because no matter how much I think about it, I know that I can't. I already hurt too many people."

"Then that's where we're different, you and I." Her voice was light, "You have people you would hurt. I don't."

"That doesn't mean shit. It's an excuse."

Despite the room being dark, he could see the sadness in her eyes from the way she spoke, "Maybe it is."

They fell into silence after that, both of them turning to rest on their backs again. He finally heard her breathing turn to soft deep breaths, and knew she was asleep. With a sigh, he sat up and swung himself out of bed, carrying a pillow and blanket with him out the door.

He laid back against the couch, turning the TV on to drown out the silence and dark thoughts in his mind. Emcee had been nervous to take his bed, but the truth was that this was how he slept most nights. He couldn't stand the silence of his room at night, the nightmares of his mother ripping him awake with terror. So he resorted to sleeping on the couch, where the TV would keep him from drifting into too heavy of a sleep.

The excitement of the night's events kept him awake for a while longer, but eventually he managed to drift away. His dreams that night where filled with his usual desire for MC's love, but this time, if only for a brief moment, Emcee appeared in a gold ray of sunlight.