"I'm baaaaack!"
Snape: Oh, Merlin's balls. Why didn't I savor the break while I had the chance! I need a firewhisky..
Vergie: Ba-Snap. Ba-Snap.
"I think he's trying to tell you something *Giggle* Snap.
Snape: My name is Severus Tobias Snape. Not Snap. I have a dignified name, child. Use it.
Vergie: Fugger.
*blushes* "Marie! Your son is cursing out Snape again!"
Gimli: That's my boy!
Hatter: Hello, I'm not part of this conversation, but I thought I'd pop up and say hi. Hi! *walks away*
E~ I thought you'd never get it started! Have I threatened you recently?
Cpt. Jack Sparrow: Oi! Tha's too close to my line for comfor'!
E~Shut up. We're waiting for the disclaimer. Melda, just get on with it already. Your friends are giving me a headache.
"I own nothing and will never make any money off of this! Thanks for reading! Now, on with the show!"
Loud bangs and drilling noises sounded behind stretched yellow tape that spanned two large oak doors. In front of those doors sat two young women in light blue outfits complete with vests and hats. They were very obviously attempting to keep the straining doors closed while the construction work went on on the other side. One was very short with wild green eyes and the other was red-headed with a fierce look to her. At their feet lay an infant, only a year old, whaming his hammer-shaped rattle against the ground with surprising force.
"Oh, look, Ellie," Said Marie with a grin like the Chesire Cat (and she knew it was similar because she personally knew that kinky hat-obsessed little wiseass feline). "His peach fuzz is already growing in!"
"What?" Groaned the postmistress beside her. "Don't tell me Vergie's going through puberty already! How in the hell is this half-human half-Dwarf situation supposed to work?"
Marie shrugged and continued to play with her child. "I dunno, but he sure is adorable!" She grinned and cupped her son's face. "Who's got his grandma's goatee? Vergie does!" She smiled fondly as Vergie continued his assualt upon the floorboards of her workplace.
Suddenly, there was a loud crack and a certain hook-nosed professor appeared. His billowing bat-like robes, sallow skin and nasty sneer would have made anyone cower before him...at least until they got a good look at his cargo. For instead of his usual sketchy-looking potions ingredients, he was carrying a basket full of blue baby bottles, bibs, diapers, and other assorted things which are essential to infantile care. "Dumbledore sends his best for that pinkish thing right there." He tapped the top of Dvergatal's head gently. "He wishes to apologize for having to miss its birthday party."
Vergie glared up at the professor and, with all of his strength, he whalopped him in the back of his knee with his plastic hammer so that the toy cracked and Snape was thrown off-balance. He landed smartly on his butt and all of the baby things came crashing down on top of him. A rattle hooked itself on the end of his nose and swung there casually. "I see he takes after his mother. Always causing trouble and pain for me." He growled, but a smirk played with the edges of his lips.
"At least he didn't curse!" Ellie grumbled as she got up to help him to his feet. "I don't approve of using cursewords around children."
Almost, it seemed, to spite his godmother, Vergie let out the mother of all curses and grinned. Marie giggled, but admonished her son. "It's too late for that, Ellie." She said, frowning suddenly as a rather loud crash caused the door to groan and bend out a bit. She pounded on the wood. "Quiet down in there! You're going to bring the place down!" She rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "Thank goodness they're nearly done in there. It's taken nearly so long! Anyway, as I was saying, it's much too late. Dwarfen culture, Gimli and my father-in-law tell me, requires that every Dwarfen child have full knowledge of all of the possible cursewords. This includes, shit, the F bomb, ass, and so on. Apparently, they take pride in cursing a blue streak! And that's just the regular ones. We haven't gotten around to teaching him Westron, Elvish or Dwarvish curses yet. "
Ellie just shook her head and sighed. "You and Gimli are one heck of a couple. Six years next week, right?"
Marie grinned and nodded. "He said he's going to do something special." Her friend looked sceptical. "Ellie, you wouldn't believe the Lothario tendancies of a Dwarf! They're so romantic..." She sighed happily and so sappily that even Vergie made a face.
"MAHHH.." He whined.
"Oh, alright, I'll stop." Marie furrowed her brow and glanced behind her. "Hey, does something seem different to you two all of a sudden?"
Snape crossed his arms and cocked his head to the side, listening. "I think that infernal racket has ceased. Thank Circe!"
"Could it be? Are they done?" Ellie exclaimed, jumping up and trying to see through the tiny crack in the doors. Marie and Snape waited for her report with curious and impatient expressions. "Guys...I think it might finally be finished!"
BAM!
Ellie was nearly knocked in the head as the pair of doors slammed open to reveal Incarnadine in his infamous purple robes. Marie clapped with enthusiasm and Vergie giggled and cooed. Ellie shot her boss a stern and aggravated look, but she was too excited herself over this new developement. "Is it done?" She asked.
Incarnadine beamed. "Yes, yes! The Fanfiction Hall of Fame and Infamy is finally finished! It is a wonder! A miracle! A nineth wonder of the world!"
Snape snorted. "There are only seven."
"Nope, there are nine. Your nose is the eighth." Incarnadine laughed uproarously while the professor tapped his foot with a slightly irritated snarl. "Anyway, would you all like to take a tour?"
Ellie was about to agree when she felt a tug on her uniform jacket. Marie was looking up at her with a pout. "We can't go and take the Hall of Fame and Infamy's Tour Virginity without the others! Can we call them on our new phones?" The phones that she was talking about were devices that had been ingeniusly designed by Ellie's brother a few months ago. The phones had the ability to reach over and cross the boundries between Cannons. The idea was to prevent any kind of attack (such as the one by the Sues and by the Red Guy that nobody remembers who went home crying to his mommy). He'd pointed out that the main reason that both of those incidents had happened was because there was a significant lack of effective communication (besides the postmistresses and postmen of Castle Perilous) between them.
And so the EDGARs (Effective Digital Gadgets Are Rare) were born. Using their ultra-super powers and amazing ability to recieve bars even in the wilds of Oompa-Loompa-Land or on the planet Kazoo, they would save the day and defeat the forces of terrible service charges! However, these were only the prototypes and only a few people were trusted with trying them out. Ellie had one. Marie did not. Makes sense, yeah? Several representatives of the serious fandoms with large fanbases were given one, as well.
Ellie, having had the time to consider this while you read the previous two paragraphs, agreed and took out her EDGAR. It was a slim purple device with glowing green buttons and a backlit screen. She typed in the code for Middle-Earth and waited while it rang.
"Hello?" Ellie put it on speakerphone.
"Hi, Arwen!" Marie called out cheerily. "How's Elessar?"
They could hear Arwen laugh. "Asleep. How is your darling Dvergatal?" Out of all of the people who knew Marie, Arwen, Legolas, and Elrond were the only ones to call him by his full name consistantly. It must be an 'Elf-thing'.
"Great! He beat up Snape today! Oooh, and his peach fuzz is starting to come in!" She replied excitedly. This earned a stern reminder from Ellie what she was actually calling about, so she quickly got to the point. "Um, anyway, I was wondering if you could put Aragorn on the line? I need to ask him a question."
Arwen hummed and they all could hear footsteps. There was a quiet "Honey?"...silence. The creak of a door. "Honey?" An unexpected roar ripped through the speakers of the phone and had them all covering their ears. It sounded like a lion or an elephant was being strangled. Was that...sobs? "Sorry about that, Aragorn's busy, dear. He's trying to help the Balrog. Apparently, he's developing a complex."
"What, why?" Ellie said incredulously.
"He thinks he's getting wrinkles and celluloid." Arwen spoke louder over the sobs, which were not so loud, but just as pitiful. "And Dr. Lector refused to give him a facelift."
"Well," Marie chimed in. "Of course it's impossible to do that! He's a being made entirely of shadow and flame!" Everyone stared at her. "What? I thought that since Legolas isn't here that I should pick up his Captain Obvious mantle."
"Couldn't he have Wendy do it? She's a great shadow doctor." Ellie suggested doubtfully. "After all, she managed to sew Peter's shadow back on. But then, she'd probably have to wear some sort of fire-proof gear-"
"Now who's getting off topic?" Marie teased.
"Right, anyway, that's not the point. Is Gandalf free?"
"Yes, he's in the garden with Bilbo. Just a moment. Gandalf!"
"Hello?" Gandalf's voice replaced Arwen's. After a five minute discussion, he accepted the tour invitation and offered to pass the message along to the others. She thanked him and said goodbye. The same basic process repeated itself until everyone of their cross-Cannon friends who owned an EDGAR now knew to come to Castle Perilous to tour the brand-spanking-new Hall of Fame and Infamy.
"And now we wait." Marie plopped down in one of the comfy couches. Snape took a seat beside her, but kept to the opposite end. Incarnadine remained standing alongside Ellie.
He cleared his throat. "Would you two excuse us for a minute? I need to talk to Ellie." He led the young woman out of the room. He didn't say anything until the door was shut. "Now, you must know that you have always been my most trusted employee, " He began with a smile. "Perhaps not my favorite, but you've never failed me and you and Marie make a great team."
Ellie immediately sensed a 'but" coming on.
"But, I think that it's time for you to move up and on. You've been in the same position as Marie for much too long. To tell you the truth, I have been considering promoting you for a very long time. You're not like Marie, Ellie. Marie has a family and has settled down. I don't think she would take a change in position very well." Incarnadine hesitated for a moment, then pulled a thick binder out of thin air with a flick of his wrist. "I know you two have had some great adventures in the past, but it's time to leave that behind. That's why I'm giving you this." He handed the black binder to her with a proud smile.
"What is it?" She inquired. She opened it and saw names written in white ink on black paper. The inside of the cover proclaimed it to be 'The Infamy List'. She swallowed hard. "I-is this..?"
"Yes," He answered solumnly. "It is the list of all of the names of the fanfiction offenders. The most prolific criminal writers on every single fanfiction site in existance, even the private websites, are in the front. They are listed alphabetically and chronologically. In fact, Marie might even recognize a couple hundred of these people who were involved in causing the Battle of the Sues six years ago." He chuckled. "I guess you could call it our version of Santa's Naughty List."
"Do reformed fanfiction authors stay on the Infamy List?"
"Yes and no. They are in the back, under 'Repentant'. They are not considered dangerous or active. If they write a really well-done story, then they might end up on the Fame List." He explained helpfully. "Both Lists are very important to our new wing. The Fanfiction Hall of Fame and Infamy would not be what it is without the Fame and Infamy Lists."
"I see..and how is this supposed to be my promotion?"
"Well, it's not really. You could just call this a trial run. What I'm asking you to do is to hang onto the Infamy List while its showroom is being finished. I have the Fame List in my office, but that's because I trust that it is safe there. You see, there is a possibility that the Infamy List is in great danger." He took the book and flipped through it. Thousands of names...who knew that there were so many terrible fanfiction criminals out there? "These criminals would do anything to get off of this list. Once you are on the list, you may not write any stories. Once a year, there will be a test given to all of those criminals who apply."
"A grammar test?" She guessed.
"In their respective or preferred language, of course." He nodded curtly. "But not just on grammar, but on spelling, avoiding plot holes, et cetera."
"Sounds like a pretty solid system." She said approvingly.
"Oh, it is. I knew you would be the best one for the job, too. Not just because you're my hardest working, most trusted employee, but because of your background. What made you leave the FBI, if I may ask?"
Ellie smiled. She'd been comfortable with the FBI and yes, sometimes she missed it. However, she'd never regreted changing jobs. "Marie...she has to have someone to look out for her." She frowned and glanced down at the binder in her hand. Could she still look out for her admittedly ditzy friend after accepting this promotion? Would taking the Infamy List mean an end to the friendship she valued above all the others?
Her thoughts were interrupted by Incarnadine's quiet chuckle. "Yes, I'm sure. She's a grown woman, though. And she'd managed to take care of herself before you. I think she'd like it if you were to take this opportunity."
Ellie hesitated for a moment more, then she tucked the binder into her uniform. "I'll do it." She said resolutely.
