Chapter 1: A Chance Meeting

The pale ginger tabby tomcat put a paw to his aching temple, wishing now more than ever that he had brought his bottle of aspirin into the counciling office with him.

I really need to be paid more for this...

Stretching his face into a rather scary fake grin that looked more like someone had just smashed his foot with a mallet, he leaned across his desk and narrowed his eyes at his patients.

"So Tigerstar," he began. "How does that straitjacket make you feel?"

"It makes me feel like you are very lucky I'm in this Dark Forest-forsaken contraption." the dark tabby across from him growled while struggling in the canvas straitjacket he was currently (not so)stylishly sporting. "Because if I wasn't, I would definitely feel like ripping out your lungs and making them into Christmas decorations. And this idiot next to me's lungs. And Fireshart's. And the Three's. And my screw-up son's. And everyone in StarClan's. And that stupid janitor who clogged my toilet's. I swear, that's the last time I hire Purdy for ANYTHING-"

"OKAY!" Flamestripe decided to halt the rant before it grew into a real problem. "Tigerstar," he mewed, straightening his glasses. "The jacket is SUPPOSED to represent how constricting a relationship with a family member can be if you don't let in some air!"

Also to keep me from having to spend the night pulling claws out of places they don't belong in... Flamestripe silently added, wincing. He turned to the aforementioned "idiot next to Tigerstar".

"Well Pinestar, we can see your son feels very strongly about this. How do you think a good father's reaction to his son's feelings should be?"

The former ThunderClan leader frowned, swinging his legs around like a kit on the wooden patients chair across from Flamestripe's desk. "But I'm a great father!" he protested, fiddling with his totally not girly hot pink cheetah-print kittypet collar. "Everyone knows that all the great fathers dump the kits on the more competent mother whose sole job is to raise kits while us daddies go off and do whatever we want!"

"Okay, I'm supposed to be the evilest cat ever and even I know that was sexist!" Tigerstar snapped, wrenching his head around in the straitjacket to glare at his father.

Pinestar ignored him with a flick of his bushy red tail. "As I was saying, I don't doubt my parenting abilities one bit and as a good father, my reaction is to say that I understand that Tigey-Wigey's upset-"

Tigerstar interjected with a furious screech. "DON'T CALL ME THAT, YOU MAGGOT RIDDEN MANGEPELT! PATHETIC, PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A CAT! WHY I-"

"-But," Pinestar continued with total disregard to his outraged son's temper tantrum. "That's no reason why we shouldn't be able to maintain a healthy relationship as father and son!"

"INGRATE! KITTYPET FILTH! TRAITOR!" Tigerstar shrieked, spittle spraying from his mouth and contorting into positions that shouldn't be possible in the straitjacket.

All Flamestripe could do was stare in disbelief at one of the world's worst fathers and his catatonic son.

I knew I should have been a bank robber... he thought ruefully, staring hopelessly at the smiley-face clock above the wall that indicated that this counseling session still had fifteen minutes left.

Tigerstar squawked as his maddened wriggling caused him to tumble off his chair, bonking his nose on the edge of the desk and again when his face hit the floor, still wrapped in the straitjacket.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" he yowled as Pinestar attempted to pick him up and put him back in his chair. Frightened, Pinestar dropped his son like a hot potato, causing a third bump to Tigerstar's nose.

Flamestripe stood up. "That's it! I think that's enough for today!" he wheezed, clutching his throbbing head. Why isn't there more aspirin in here?

Pinestar frowned. "But I'm paying for a full hour and-"

"Don't worry about that, it'll go into next week's session!" Flamestripe lied, anxious to get the two out of his office. "But you know the saying, too much counseling and- and- uh, the next step's a mental hospital! Yeah!"

"Let's just go!" Tigerstar spoke from his facedown position on the floor. "I'm supposed to bail Hawkfrost out of jail by five or they'll keep him there all weekend!"

"Again?" Pinestar asked. "Can't your ex or someone else just do it?"

"Sasha cut Hawkfrost off a long time ago." Tigerstar pouted. "And Mothwing's in London for the Medicine Cat Convention. How lucky are they? London! The Dark Forest United are lucky if we can rent out a local Taco Kitty for a night!"

Pinestar eyed his son suspiciously. "Since when do you have money?"

Tigerstar's eyes went wide and watery and his lip quivered. On anyone other than Tigerstar it might have looked cute. "Lend me money?" he begged, knowing Pinestar always fell for the face.

"Okay, I guess we'd better head out." Pinestar relented, picking his son up and carrying him towards the door under his arm like a sleeping bag.

"UNTIE ME FIRST YOU INCOMPETENT FOOL!" Tigerstar hissed.

"Oh, right." Pinestar moved Tigerstar over to a corner and began to struggle with the buckles on the straitjacket. He blinked apologetically at Flamestripe who was eyeing them warily, not at all interested in paying for any more repairs to his office. "I'll have him out of here in a jiffy and then we'll be out of your fur." the red-brown tom promised the councilor.

Flamestripe just nodded weakly and put his head down on his desk. Reaching for the intercom button, he pressed it. "Hey, Honeypaw?"

"Yeah Flamestripe?" came the cheery voice of his receptionist/assistant for nearly everything/apprentice/adopted daughter. "Do you need any more aspirin?"

"Make it two." Flamestripe responded. "And could you also bring me some more peppermint cocoa?"

"Sure thing! I'll have them both right away!" Honeypaw chirped before cutting the line.

Flamestripe exhaled in relief. Soon aspirin would be there to soothe his throbbing head, and he still had about ten minutes of relaxation until his next appointment.

Flipping through his rainbow glitter appointment book (it had been a birthday present from his smart-aleck sister who had ruined his other one) Flamestripe looked to see who his next patient was.

Once he saw it he choked on his last mouthful of cocoa, spewing it all over the place.

Slamming his paw on the intercom, he yowled, "HONEYPAW, CHANGE OF PLANS! WE ARE NOW CLOSED! CLOSED CLOSED CLOSED! CANCEL AND RESCHEDULE ALL OTHER APPOINTMENTS FOR TODAY!"

"Are you sure?" Honeypaw's voice was concerned. "You still have Ivypool coming in about her post-traumatic stress disorder, and Greymist and her kits are all supposed to come in to discuss her horrible naming abilities-"

"Not them," Flamestripe felt his need for aspirin grow even stronger. "Look who my next client is. How could you put them right after Pinestar and Tigerstar of all cats?!"

Flamestripe stared worriedly at the names of one of two different client groups that could hold the title of "World's worst patient in history of counciling. Do not council at ANY COST!"

The other group was currently creating a scene in the corner of his room.

"I'm super sorry, Tigger, I'm usually much better at this, but I forgot to wear my contacts today!" Pinestar fretted as he fiddled with the troublesome straitjacket.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE DADDY, I GOTTA GO TO THE POTTY!" Tigerstar shrieked. "AND DON'T CALL ME TIGGER EITHER!"

Flamestripe facepawed, trotting over and quickly undoing the bothersome buckle on the straitjacket with practiced paws. Tigerstar burst out of it.

"FREEDOM!" All of a sudden, his triumphant expression turned constipated. "BATHROOM!"

Tigerstar bolted over to the locked door, dancing on two paws and whining about his need to pee.

Sighing, Flamestripe walked back over to his desk where he had left Honeypaw hanging. "Sorry about that, had to deal with something."

"Yeah, well we're going to have another one." Honeypaw's voice was scared. Flamestripe felt his gut freeze over. "What do you mean?" he questioned weakly, fumbling in his desk for both the key to let out his current patients as well as his bottle of pepper spray he kept to keep from dying in nasty ways.

"You know the next group? Well, they kinda already showed up..."

"WHAT?!" Flamestripe shook his head, unable to believe it.

"Tell them to go away!" he hissed frantically.

"Uh, have you met them, Flamestripe?" Honeypaw retorted. "I can't exactly tell them to go away!"

Flamestripe blinked. "Oh. Right."

Thinking for a moment, and ducking the potted ficus Tigerstar hurled at him for not letting them out by now, Flamestripe told Honeypaw, "Well, this certainly isn't going to end well at all. I want you to fake a need to go to your car. Wait outside and call the police as soon as you hear trouble. I'm going to let these guys out and lock myself in my office until the bloodbath is over."

"Got it boss." Honeypaw's voice was all business. This wasn't the first time she had had to call the cops (or the fire department, the hospital, animal control, the queen of England, or the nearby Moonbucks Coffee) in an emergency.

The line disconnected, and Flamestripe turned back to Pinestar and Tigerstar. "Sorry fellas," he trilled nervously. "Couldn't find the key for a second. Here we are, unlocked door, why don't you leave and you can call me on when you want to schedule your next session goodbye now!"

With a quick shove, the panicked counselor moved his two patients to the other side of the doorway and slammed it in their faces, locking the door again and crouching next to it, ear pressed against the wood with pepper spray and a fire extinguisher ready to blast.


Pinestar frowned as his flustered counselor bustled them out of his office, closing it after them and right after the click of the lock was heard.

Well he sure was in a hurry, the former ThunderClan leader thought, sighing. Getting Tigerstar to come to these sessions had been a boulder to move on its own, he really hoped they would be able to make his relationship with his estranged son a little less... estranged.

Turning around, he slammed into Tigerstar who had frozen in place.

That's weird; I thought he would have bolted for the bathroom by now.

Moving around his mountain of a son, Pinestar saw what had caused Tigerstar's abrupt freeze and gasped in shock and delight.

Standing across the waiting room was a fat flame colored tom with deep green eyes and a black collar. Hiding behind him like two shy kits were a small black tom with a white paw and a ginger tom identical to the other one, if not slimmer. Both were gaping at Pinestar and Tigerstar like they were ghosts.

Pinestar felt a warm fuzzy feeling grow inside him as he recognized who he was standing across from.

"Jake, buddy!" he greeted, walking past a still frozen Tigerstar towards his old friend who was striding toward him with his paws held out.

"Pinestar, my pal!" Jake called, wrapping his friend in a hug. "Long time, no see!"

SO, this is Flamestripe of WindClan with a new account, starting over with another one of my funny ideas that I decided to turn into a comedy! OKAY, I KNOW THERE WAS A LOT OF MY OC'S FLAMESTRIPE AND HONEYPAW HERE BUT I PROMISE THEY WILL NOT BE PROMINENT IN THIS STORY! THEY ARE BACKGROUND CHARACTERS! This story will mainly consist of the characters Pinestar, Jake, Firestar, Tigerstar, and Scourge and their wacky adventures. Hope you like!