Well, to begin with, let me just say that "The Forgettable Adventures of Richard Valjordan are on hiatus until I either find a full copy of the movie or give up on searching for a full copy of the movie. I just felt so bad for all my threats to John Gay's life when I realised I was watching an abridged version and, according to my sources (yes. I have sources.) the real movie is so complete it even includes The Great Coffin Escape. THE GREAT COFFIN ESCAPE! So yeah, hiatus. But now it's Christmas vacation and I'm kinda bored so I remembered I had the Surprisingly Complete Albeit Poorly Directed 1982 miniseries. And it's another French movie with no English subtitles, so, like The Wacky Adventures of Depardieu, everything I say might be a lie. But I'm a French major now, so you can TOTALLY trust me. (shifty eyes) Totally.

And we begin!

Mud. Feet. Chains. Dirty raggedy pants. Squooshy sounds and trudging. Welcome to the movie! All this goes on for a long time. Lots of trudging and sad feet. Suddenly, a guy with a beard collapses! Some slightly less bare feet trudge over and turn the beardy man over with a gun. Then they trudge away. Then we see another line of squooshy trudgy bare feet going the opposite direction. This place seems AWESOME. But at least the camera has finally panned up enough so that we see torsos and faces, too. And, you know, more chains. And a whole bunch of guys dragging a cart full of rocks.

A non-muddy non-trudgy guy strolls up, and at first I think it's Mrs Trunchbull from that Matilda movie. Oh wow! IMDB says Mrs Trunchbull was also Grace Pool in The Greatest Jane Eyre Movie Ever and that aunt that got all inflated in that one Harry Potter movie I don't remember anything about because David Tennant wasn't in it! And oh man, Matilda. That movie. I used to love it so much. Remember that fat kid who had to eat that giant nasty-looking cake? That was so not on. And that box Mrs Trunchbull put the kids in? Dude, what was Roald Dahl on? I love the guy, but sometimes… ew.

Speaking of ew, Mrs Trunchbull turns out to be Javert! Ah, dear me. This'll be an adventure. He immediately calls out Valjean, who is pulling one of those giant carts (remember earlier? When there were approximately six guys pulling and pushing one?) all by himself, because He Is Strong. As we know. We know this because He Is also Our Hero.

Anyway, Agatha Javert informs Valjean that he is free, which freaks Valjean so much that we get a freezeframe of his stupefied face while as music and titles come out of nowhere. We are then informed that this is the Prologue, and it's 1815, Digne.

1815, Digne. There is a guillotine. There are men standing around it. There is a man about to get guillotined. There is a priest with a Bible. There is a small boy. There are a ton of cuts between the surroundings and the blade of the guillotine and the executioner's gloved hand and the blade of the guillotine and people looking on and the blade of the guillotine and the Bible and SMASH. The priest's white shirtsleeve gets spattered with some Very Red Blood.

By the way, did you know the guillotine was invented by a guy named Doctor Guillotin? Seriously, look it up. Wouldn't he make a really great villain in a really crap horror movie? Standing at the foot of his creation in a lab coat and big leather gloves and one of those white wigs laughing evilly? I wish that would happen. And then said crap horror movie would get MST3K'd, and it would be The Best Thing Ever.

Anyway, there's a sudden cut to a country road and some horses with jingly reins. Small children cavort in a field with sheep as adults look on. This seems like another fun place. An old dude in a cape and one of those tricorne pirate hats is hobbling down a road, and the jingly carriage slows and a guy starts calling "Monseigneur, monseigneur!" Meaning the pirate hat guy is most likely the bishop. Sweet!

Well, the guy in the carriage, who looks slightly like a fleshy Danny DeVito (who DIRECTED Matilda! You guys, it's a running theme now.) turns out to be some senator or something, and he has this long discussion with the bishop about Jesus and Napoleon and stuff. At one point he asks the bishop why he has blood on his sleeve. Unfortunately, the bishop does not whip off his cape and reveal that he is Doctor Guillotin and he's here for your HEAD but instead says he was attending the execution of some poor guy. Oh, right! So the fat-headed priest from that last scene is also the bishop, i.e. not a fat-headed priest at all! Well, I mean, he's still fat-headed, but he's a fat-headed bishop, see? With a tricorne pirate hat. Actually, he goes to take the pirate hat off at one point and reveals another hat underneath it. I mean, to be fair, it's actually a skullcap-y thing, but the concept of that big hat having another hat underneath makes me smile.

Anyway, they chat and some sheep wander by and the bishop is sort of smugly dismissive of everything the God-hating senator says. Also, the senator has some serious Gene Wilder hair poking out from beneath a Super Massive Top Hat. It's kinda sweet. The hat, I mean. The bishop tells him that materialism is admirable and blesses him before ambling away. The senator is like, "What a sweet, dumb old dude. He totes doesn't get me." And then Loony gets distracted by the sexy cape his driver is wearing and stares as they ride away into the sunset.

But alas, we follow fat head instead of the sexy cape, and he hobbles up to a cute little house made of rocks. In front of the house, some kid wearing a hat that makes him look like a Conehead (from France! See, it all comes together!) hands a dish of something to an old man with a really big, oval head and scampers away. The bishop introduces himself to oval face, saying, "Hey, friend! My name is Myriel. Bienvenu Myriel!" and Oval Face is like, "Oh, like the bishop!"

Then the bishop has a seat in a chair that's, like, ten feet away from Oval Face and NOT FACING HIM. Oval Face talks to his back for a long time, and suddenly Loony has a revelation. Oval Face? OVAL FACE! OVAL FACE IS G– THE REVOLUTIONARY! Remember G– from the Book? And how the bishop talked to him for, like, ninety-billion pages and you were like "Um, isn't this supposed to be about Valjean at some point?" Remember that?? Well, they've included it in this movie! And preserved all its boringness, but I'm not complaining! It's accuracy! Actually, it's more accuracy than I really even wanted, but accuracy nonetheless! Hi, G!

What d'you suppose G stands for? Guillaume? Georges? Gilles? Gregg?

Anyway, they chat forever and we finally cut back to my man Valjean, who's being harassed by a guy with tiny specs.

"Nineteen years in the galleys? Why?"

"Five years for stealing bread. Fourteen for trying to escape."

"Fourteen?"

"I tried four times."

I grinned at Valjean's line delivery there. He's just like, "Yeah, whatcha gonna do 'bout it, sucka?" while also being completely serious.

Anyway, Tiny Specs aggressively stamps a piece of paper. THAT'S what he's gonna do 'bout it. Sucka.

Suddenly, a bowling ball is coming straight at the camera! We're in a courtyard, and a dude in a Smee costume is, you guessed it, bowling. Small boys are being enslaved to pick up the skinny pins once he's knocked them down. Actually, the pins look more like those fancy pepper grinder things like my dad insisted on getting for his birthday a while back. He thinks that thing is so cool. But he's old, so we just let him sit there at meals and crunch pepper over his food until it's completely inedible. And then he shakes the pepper off. Old people are so adorable sometimes.

…yeah, okay, my dad's not even fifty yet. But come on, he thinks pepper grinders are magical! That's textbook old age, that is!

Anyway. Smee and his bowling lackeys. Valjean comes up and asks for some food, only to get thoroughly shut down in every way. No food, no rooms, buh-bye. Valjean is So Angry that he kicks the hell outta the pins that those poor slave boys just finished setting up. Smee is all, "Ignore that bad, bad convict and set up my pins again! I got some BOWLING to do!"

A House. A dude and some women are having a nice little meal when Valjean knocks on their door and offers to pay for some foodage. He's about to get some, too, but one of those slave boys from earlier just happens to live in that house and wanders in right then, going, "Hey, dad, that's the convict who kicked over the bowling pins!" and his dad, who has a silly moustache, is all "Kthnxbai CONVICT!"

Another door slams in Valjean's face immediately after, so he's about to nap outside when good ol' Madame de R– shows up and tells him to knock on the bishop's door.

Chez Fat Head. The bishop is supping with OMG BEST BAPTISTINE EVER while Madame Magloire grumps around about how they need to get keys. Valjean pops the door right open, which scares Magloire a LOT, but Bishop Fat Head is immediately like, "Come in, buddy! Hey, hey, have some dinner!" Valjean goes, "Papers papers I'm a convict!" and the bishop's like, "So hey, you wanna spend the night?" Then Valjean manhandles a ginormous loaf of bread and immediately starts slurping his soup in a way that even makes Mademoiselle Baptistine make a face. Valjean picks up his bowl and goes straight-up Beast on it, while Bishop Fat Head is leaning forward and gazing at him like his own personal Belle. In fact, I'm almost positive that Fat Head can hear "Something There" in his head right now. Valjean notices that he's being gazed upon and is like, "Um, I can pay?" and the bishop's like, "You said that already." Completely lost for more conversation topics, Valjean's like "These… are nice… spoons?" and Fat Head goes, "Heck yeah they are, they're silver! So are these CANDLESTICKS." Then Baptistine explains that the silver is the only thing they keep as a memory of their mother. Or something.

Once dinner is over, Fat Head leads Valjean up a twisty staircase to a tiny bedroom with a creepy portrait of a person with tied hands and, it seems, no shirt. Dude, I'm pretty sure Bertha Mason even rejected this room. The picture and its frame are completely skewed and everything. Fat Head takes his leave and Valjean sits on the edge of the bed, contemplating, before he flops over. Then we hear Magloire's voice yelling about the missing silver and cut straight to a pair of constables throwing Valjean onto a floor. Interesting choice from an interesting director. Oh yes, it gets stranger.

So, the constables, one of whom has a hilariously large moustache and the other of whom has wispy blond hair, say Valjean stole the spoons! And Bishop Fat Head says "FALSE!" and gives him the CANDLESTICKS. And Valjean is like "Eh? Okay." And then we zoom into a piece of paper with writing on it while a narrator (When did this movie get a narrator? Seriously.) says something about ignorance, egotism, hypocrisy, and darkness. Then Fat Head sends the constables away so he can save Valjean's soul while Valjean stares at him blankly and the soundtrack makes a rare appearance. I gotta say, this Valjean is doing such a good job playing a rough, dumb convict that I really can't wait to see what happens when he has to be Madeleine or Cosette's dad.

Some woods. The goofiest looking guy I have ever seen is strolling along, whistling, when he trips and rolls down a hill. Oh dear. I assume this is Petit Gervais, but I had no idea Petit Gervais was the village idiot. He's also at least a teenager. Anyway, as he was falling he dropped a coin. He gets up and sees Valjean, who is sitting on the hillside and chowing on something. Creepy Gervais wanders over and stares at his back for a long time. Okay, having read the Book I'm aware that he dropped that coin and Valjean put his foot over it, but the movie isn't showing me this at all. All I see here is this creepy kid asking Valjean for his money while Valjean totally ignores him. Finally, once the kid starts yelling, Valjean turns around, says something I don't get, and turns right back around. So creepy Gervais starts yelling that he's a dirty thief and a big meanie and runs away. Valjean gets up to intimidate him, but then he realises his foot was indeed covering the coin. He grabs it (the coin, not his foot) and runs into a big dramatic field screaming "Petit! Hey, Petit!" but no one's there. The voice that called him a dirty thief comes echoing back, almost drowning under the Super Dramatic Soundtrack that just cranked up, and Valjean covers his ears and goes "NOOOOOOO!" and falls to his knees. Dramatic fade out.

First Book. Montreuil-sur-Mer, 1820.

FALSE! We open in Montfermeil, not Montreuil-sur-Mer. Dummies. We see a pretty convincing inn in a grumbly rainstorm. A perfectly-cast Madame Thénardier is sitting in a doorway while her husband is up on a ladder repainting his sign. In the rain. Good choice, pal. Meanwhile, a super adorable kid (and I have a tendency to HATE children) and her little sister, Éponine and Azelma, of course, are doing the laundry. Eh, it's not swinging on a chain, but I'm still too bogged down by G to complain about accuracy. And those little girls in those little dresses are so darn cute.

Anyway, it's a lovely picture of Thénardier bliss until, oh dear, another French black-haired Fantine strolls up. WTF, France! It's your own Book! You of all countries should bloody know that Fantine la Blonde means FANTINE THE BLONDE. Jeepers, even my little brother figured that one out straightaway. Argh.

Okay. So Fantine the non-Blonde has a terribly funny-looking daughter with, yet again, bangs. Or a fringe, if you're British. Either way. So, why not cast that adorable little Éponine as Cosette, movie? Make me like a young Cosette. Please.

So Madame Thénardier tells Cosette she has a pretty name, and then Cosette runs off to play with Éponine and Azelma. And when I say "play," I mean "do the laundry." In the mud and rain. Can't argue with that logic. Neither can Thénardier, who has gotten all distracted from painting his sign, which I presume should say "Waterloo," but has, for some hilarious reason, only actually painted over the last three letters. Thénardier! Hey, pal, why exactly are you painting from right to left? Is it just to make me laugh, or what? Anyway, Thénardier is dressed quite similarly to musical Thénardier, of which I do not disapprove. Fantine has a cute bonnet. And eyeliner. She tells Madame that Cosette's father is dead. FALSE! Then she says she's on her way to get a job in a big factory. "Say, Madame, can I leave her with you?" "Huh?" "My little girl. On pension." Madame Thénardier is lol'ing over this, but then Thénardier comes waddling over–no, he's not terribly fat, but he definitely did waddle–and starts doing the business deals while Madame acts as a cute little sidekick. Except for not cute. But awesome. So Fantine gives them money and stuff. I can hear rain and I can see puddles, but no one seems to be getting rained on.

Fantine goes over to where the girls are wringing out some laundry in the invisible rain and tells Cosette that Madame Thénardier will watch over her tonight and she'll be back tomorrow. Ah, look at how cute little Éponine and Azelma are! I want to adopt them! Maybe Valjean will accidentally get Éponine instead of Cosette? That would be interesting. Gosh, she's so cute. I hate kids with the exception of that one. Um anyway. So Fantine walks away through some giant puddles and Cosette stares forlornly after her. Tinkly music begins to play. Fade to black.

A Noisy Factory. It's like a dark, cranky version of Santa's workshop, except all the elves are dirty women who look like they want to hurt me. And it smells like mushrooms. In a pretty cool backstory device, small boys are getting a tour of the factory from a teacher, who's making them recite information about how Monsieur Madeleine invented a thing and now their town is doing swell and we like him. Then the teacher guy, who's dressed exactly like Fat Head the bishop was, leads the small boys away. Good. I hate kids. Except that little Éponine. But she didn't even talk, so maybe that's part of it. Anyway, as the boys wander out they pass a dude with his back turned. Let me guess–Madeleine?

Outside, it's raining. Isn't it always? We see some guy in another enormous top hat walk up a flight of stairs. It's seriously raining so much there's, like, a little waterfall going down the stairs. Hardcore.

Massive Top Hat also has a long coat and a beat-y stick. Guess who?

Once inside, we see that Massive Top Hat is none other than Trunchbull Javert, who has come to see Madeleine. Some guy at a desk tries to shake him off by saying that Madeleine is busy, but Javert just stares at him until the guy gets so freaked out he goes to get Madeleine anyway. Javert goes over to stand at a window. Then he opens said window. In the rain. Good choice, Javs.

The desk guy comes back and ushers Javert in.

Madeleine's Office. Javert introduces himself and the camera swoops in upon Madeleine's face. You may not believe me when I say this, but it's Valjean! He's just grown a beard and a bit more hair! And props to Lino Ventura and his acting, because he already seems to have lost a lot of that stupid from earlier. Javert starts to talk about visiting the prisons, but Madeleine says they'll have to talk later. Then some guy runs up to the door with TERRIBLE NEWS about a cart which has run a man down! Madeleine grabs an umbrella and runs off. Javert stands there and stares at the rain for a while, then goes out onto a balcony from which he can dramatically observe Madeleine lifting the cart and howling with awesomeness. They drag Fauchelevant out from beneath it (he's yelling "My leg!" which is never not hilarious) as Javert looms overhead, accompanied by the desk guy. And hey! Fauchelevant looks a lot like Vizzini from Princess Bride! Awesome! Madeleine takes off.

Desk Guy: Have you ever seen anyone so strong?

Javert: Yep. His name was Jean Valjean. (glare-y eyes)

A Nun Hospital. Madeleine comes to visit Fauchelevant in a ward that is packed full of beds with canopies and sick guys. It's kind of awesome. As is Madeleine. Fauchelevant says he has something to say, so the nun buggers off. While Fauchelevant is making his customary "I used to hate ya!" speech, Loony notices someone over Madeleine's shoulder who appears to be an extremely handsome young man in a top hat with awesome cheekbones. It's a bit hard to tell because he's out of focus, but watching him is far more interesting than hearing Madeleine's beautifully accurate ramblings about sending Fauchelevant off to be a gardener at Petit-Picpus. Then the camera pulls in so tight on Madeleine that the blurry hot guy is no longer in the shot, which makes Loony sad. Well, at least I have my accuracy.

Of course, then there's a wide shot as Madeleine gets up to leave, and the background is in focus. The problem is, Madeleine is standing right in front of the hot guy in the top hat. MOVE, curse you, I want to SEE!

Madeleine complies. Oh dear. It's not a hot guy at all. Neither is it a top hat. In fact, it's a bonnet. And a middle-aged woman.

Fail.

Fauchelevant drinks some soup with a pitiful expression on his face.

Santa's Depressing Workshop. Some lady has gotten ahold of Fantine's letter, and she's reading it out very slowly. That's a nice detail; she sucks at reading. Because she's poor and forced to work in the brownest factory ever. Fantine is nearby trying to jump her, but a bunch of other women are holding her back. She's so not happy. Then we get a cut to Fantine bringing Cosette to the Thénardiers, which only happened, like, five minutes ago and doesn't really require a flashback. I feel like the director just called me stupid. The women start chanting "A bastard, a bastard!" (talking about Cosette, of course, though I think it would apply to Thénardier as well…) and Fantine flips out and straight-up ATTACKS the other woman. All the other factory people are cheering them on, too. The girls roll around on the ground and flash all sorts of thigh and rip at each others' dresses. I guess if I were differently-inclined I'd enjoy this? Oh man, Fantine PWN'S the other lady! But then some little tattletale goes running for the boss lady, who comes swooping in and says "YOU WILL ALL BE PUNISHED!" while almost running face-first into the camera. Fade to black.

Fantine is leaning against a barred gate with tears in her eyes. The camera pulls back to reveal that she's looking into the factory, where all the dirty-faced women are working like good little elves, tapping away at whatever it is they're making. Someone says, "Look at Fantine!" and they all stop tapping and lean up to stare at her. The boss lady comes out and tells them to get back to work, so they do. Fantine is still gazing miserably at them all. One lady–it might even be the one who was reading her letter out and started the fight–starts pounding on her desk really slowly. I guess this is to protest Fantine being fired? It catches on, and soon the whole factory is doing it. The boss lady and her crony come out and tell them to quit it, but they can't stop the beat! Fantine turns away and some creepy dude wishes her luck. Freezeframe and fade to black.

My Favourite Part of Part One. There is a picture of Fantine the non-Blonde, dark haired and dark-eyed, staring right into the camera. In voiceover, Thénardier recites a letter in which he asks for money. The picture of Fantine crossfades into another picture in which her hair was been cut short. Mopey choral music plays on the soundtrack. Thénardier recites another letter and we crossfade into a picture in which Fantine is missing a tooth and has mascara streaked down her cheeks. Thénardier recites another letter.

A Tavern. A bunch of men feel up some lady. Someone plays the piano. Everyone sings. Loony gets really tickled when a woman with a boa and feathery hat staggers past a table at which sits our own Javert. He doesn't look very comfortable. HILARIOUS. What's he doing there? Waiting for mischief to go down so he can throw somebody in the Chokey? If so, he's in luck, because at that moment someone throws open the door and says, "Quick, come look! It's la Fantine!" and the entire contents of the pub pour out into the snowy streets. Jeepers, is it ever SUNNY in this town?

Well, Fantine is in the middle of another brawl, and this time it's with a gross-looking gentleman who is, I suppose, Bamatabois. He's trying to kiss her and she's delivering a pretty sweet beatdown. Well, until he throws her down, drags her back up, backs her up to a wall, and kisses her. Fantine doesn't like this. A big crowd of creepy people cheer her on. Javert is there too, but he's just kind of chilling until Fantine's dress gets ripped and shows just a little too much cleavage. Javert DOES NOT LIKE THIS. Brawls? Eh, okay. Potential rape? Well, if you must. Slight boobage? OH MY GOD COME WITH ME TO THE STATION RIGHT NOW YOU HUSSY. Fantine looks fierce in many ways as she follows him. I love her and her black hair. She coughs. The crowd shuffles back into the pub, most of them laughing.

The Station. A clock ticks. Javert fills out paperwork. Fantine is behind another grate and doesn't want to have six months away from her kid, because, um, she'll die. Javert doesn't care. You know how it goes. She rants and coughs and weeps for a bit, and when she falls silent Javert just stares at her and goes, "You done? Good." Douchebag! Fantine reaches through the bars and grabs his lapels, but Javert yanks her hands away and clamps them right back onto the bars. He calls for a sergeant, but looks up and goes, "Oh, it's you, M'sieur le maire."

Indeed it is! Madeleine is here, no worries, and he shall save the day! Though Fantine has a slightly less kind of view of him. She yells about how it's his fault she got fired. Madeleine wants her freed. Javert doesn't. Madeleine says Javert did a bad job arresting the right person. Javert disagrees. Madeleine cites some serious laws at him and Loony says "Booya! Win!" Javert splutters for a sec, then wanders off. Madeleine looks through the bars at Fantine, who cries and asks for forgiveness before she starts coughing and panting. Poor thing. Madeleine turns and says demands she be let out, and quickly! Some constables rush over. Fade to black.

UNEXPECTED CREDITS! Part one ends here, I guess. The credits roll slowly to the sound of some really annoying fairground music. I can picture a little monkey in a vest dancing to this, but in slow-motion. It's like the saddest fair ever. Tune in next time for zombie Cosette, boring nuns, and, once again, so much Book-accuracy that it leaves little room for snarky commentary from an accuracy freak! Yay? It doesn't start getting super weird until we meet Montparnasse and the students.