Crosspost from AO3

It's been four days since the last time you slept. Four long days, wandering aimlessly around this lab, doing absolutely nothing. The same thing you've been doing for just over half a sweep, about a year and a half. In all that time, what have you accomplished? You've spent all your time watching movies, getting angry at everything for no goddamn reason, and wishing you could make things better for yourself. But, honestly? You're getting what you deserve.

So many of your friends are dead, in ways you could have prevented if you were a better leader. You shouldn't have even been considered the leader at all. You failed, miserably. And everyone had to suffer the consequences. All of this happened because of you.

Those thoughts stay in your head. You're constantly reminding yourself of all your faults. At one point, sleep was a relief, so you could spend a few precious hours out of your own think pan, put off dealing with reality. But ever since the dream bubbles, your thoughts follow you to your dreams as well. At this point, you'd be fine with sleeping like you used to; no bubble, no Prospit; even without sopor. Nightmares would be a welcome relief.

You get up off the couch again. You've seen this movie so many times already. You're not even watching it anyway. Your head spins and you have to sit back down, shake off the dizzy spell. Once you feel it's gone, you stand a little more slowly, and start heading down a dark corridor.

Everything here is so dark. You don't mind the dark; everything was dark back on Alternia, too. But the darkness here feels so foreign. So empty. Your footsteps echo with every step, bouncing off the walls back at you. The dim lighting is casting strange shadows that seem to move, when they belong to unmoving objects. You almost chuckle. You are totally losing it.

As you step into a more well-lit room, you feel disoriented. The light hurts your eyes after being in the dark for so long. You walk over to the wall with Dave and Terezi's chalk mural. The Mayor contributed too. You start walking along the wall, dragging your hand along it. You don't know why. But you also don't know why not.

Your eyes drift over to Can Town, which is pretty much the only thing in this room. The three of them have spent so much time on this shitty fake village of nutrition cylinders, it's ridiculous. But at least they're actually doing something with their time. Unlike you. You look down at your hand, the gray now dusted with chalk. You stare at it for a moment, shrug, and drop your hand down to your side, and keep walking.

An hour later, you're back in your block where you started. You feel your thoughts drifting back to the guilt. Your stomach twists painfully, and you clutch at it, grimacing. Was it the thoughts causing that, or hunger maybe? When was the last time you ate? Whatever. You're a waste of food, a waste of breath, and a waste of space. No wonder everyone on this rock's abandoned you. They probably all blame you too.

You lean back against the closed door, sliding down slowly. You curl up into a ball, hugging your knees tight, staring out at nothing. You allow your thoughts to consume you, eat away at your pan. You miss everyone. Even the ones who are still here, because for you, they're not.

You miss Kanaya, who always seemed to care about you, always seemed like she wanted what was best for you. Now she's too busy staying with Rose at all times.

You miss Rose. She actually took some interest in what you had to say, even if it was just so she could psychoanalyze you. At least she paid attention. But now, all her time is spent by Kanaya's side.

You miss Gamzee. You haven't seen him in weeks. Even though he ended your moiraillegiance, maybe he still cares? No, you're fooling yourself. He doesn't care at all. Why would he?

You miss the Mayor. He's always with Dave and Terezi, busy working on Can Town. They wouldn't want you butting in. You'd fuck everything up. The way you always do.

You miss Terezi. You put her through so much drama, so many mixed signals; of course she'd get sick of you eventually. Besides, she's got Dave now.

You even miss Strider. Even if he was a pain in the ass, made you more furious than you ever had been, at least that was an emotion you could cope with. He ignores you now. You've tried talking to him, but he pretends not to hear.

You miss Jade. She was actually tolerable by the end. You liked her. A lot. Talking to her was enjoyable, even with that stupid password system.

You miss John. Insufferable, stupid, ridiculous John. He was entertaining, and he seemed to consider you a good friend. Which is exactly what you wish you had right now.

You miss Sollux. He was your best friend. Even if you two always fought, you never meant what you said. It was sort of an inside joke in a way. You'd piss each other off, make up, laugh it off, and go on with your conversation. He was a condescending fuck, but he was your best friend.

You miss your dead friends. Sure, you could go see them in the dream bubbles, but that was worse than not seeing them at all. Besides, unless you floated through one, you'd have to fall asleep for that. But you don't deserve to sleep. You don't deserve anything.

You curl up tighter; your chest feels so heavy. Breathing is getting difficult. You wish you could cry. Just cry all of this out, maybe that would help. But tears don't come. They never come.

Pointless, endless hours are spent like this. You go for days without sleep, finally succumb, only to wake a few short hours later, and the same routine. When you wake up in the bubbles, you hide away, locked up in your room and left with your own thoughts once again.

You'd think after this long, someone on this stupid meteor would've noticed. You look awful, the bags under your eyes more pronounced than ever, a stumble in your step because of uncoordinated exhaustion, maybe the fact that you never speak would be a big enough sign. You've stopped trying to talk to anyone at all. You never stay in an occupied room longer than it takes to walk through it to go somewhere else. You keep your eyes on the floor and drag your limbs. No one has noticed.

You guess that's what confirmed it for you. It wasn't just you being too hard on yourself again. It wasn't just the usual self-loathing. You aren't worth anything to anyone anymore. No one cares about you. If you died and rotted away, they wouldn't notice then, either.

Your breathing is so labored, you want to just stop trying. Everything hurts. You don't know what to do anymore. So, you just sit there, feeling the seconds, minutes, and hours drag by, not moving from that spot. You briefly wonder how much time has passed, before deciding you really don't care. You don't care at all, about anything.