Chapter 1 – Goodbye Alexander

Anger boiled in his blood, at himself for letting someone in and shatter him once again, at his ex-boyfriend for coming in and shattering, for breaking and abandoning him at his worst.

Pain in every one of his bones and muscles, surging through his veins, aching in a way he has never felt before. He could feel himself falling apart, every organ inside him detached and vibrating with uncomfortable nerves.

Absolute loneliness, nowhere to go, no one who cared. A love that was supposed to be unconditional, has revealed itself as dependent on condition.

And then he was numb.

Pacing through the darkness of the roof, his hands clutching his head, small strings of magic coming through his finger tips, reaching in and clinging on to every single memory of the shadowhunter who no longer loved him.

In one quick and hard maneuver, the strings pulled them out and spread them across the night sky, becoming the only source of light. Magnus stood and watched his memories of Alec flashing and playing in front of him, they all seemed so distant now, so foreign, as if they belonged to someone else

He looked up and watched, how Alec had told him that he was terrified when he hadn't known if he was alive or dead, how he told him he loved him, he wanted to move in with him. Feeling so much anger, pain and sadness that he could no longer feel at all.

But what angered him the most was when he told him that he couldn't lose him, he begged him to give up lorenzo's magic, and Magnus had given it up, for him. He felt the anger surge through him as a red ball of magic flared up in his palm.

How could Alec just abandon him like that? He had given up his magic to save Jace, his parabatai, so Alec would not lose a part of himself. He did it full heartedly, and until this moment had not regretted it, not even for a moment, despite how terrible and difficult it had been to lose a part of himself.

You don't just leave a person you love like that, just because they are going through a rough time, especially if they are in that position to begin with, because of you. He literally left him without anything, nowhere to live, nowhere to go.

"Goodbye Alexander." Magnus whispered, and lifted up his hand, his palm now with a full grown red ball of magic, and surged it forward with all the force he had. He watched as the ball hit the screen of his memories, how they slowly faded and evaporated into oblivion. One by one he watched as each memory faded away, as if it had never been there to begin with.

"I know you feel what I feel, Alec"
"You have no idea what I feel."

"What do you want from me?" Alec shouted, his voice fading at the end.
"At the moment? Nothing." Magnus walked away from Alec as the scene faded into nothing.

"I hear that relationships, they um, take effort." Alec said softly, his voice sounding far away.
"I'm all for effort." Magnus replied, his voice too, sounding muffled.

"I worry that if we rush into things, that I may lose you…"
"What? Why would you think that?"
"Look, you're not the only one…" the memory had faded and vanished away before Magnus had finished his sentence.

"You're coming back, you hear me?"
"Why wouldn't I? Look what I have waiting for me." They kissed, Magnus stepped into the pentagram and as he was consumed by flames, this memory too, had begun to fade.

Just like the spell he had cast on Clary for many years, he could feel them slip his mind as he watched them fade away and evaporate in front of him, as if the night sky had sucked in his memories and turned them into faint clouds, barely visible in the dark night sky.

Magnus stood there, tears streaming down his cheeks, as he could feel his mind and heart slowly letting go, leaving blank holes.

"On every mission I've ever been on… Not knowing if you were alive or dead… Magnus I love you"

"I love you, and I know something's wrong. I'm sorry, but I'm not leaving until…"

"If I'm lucky, maybe one of my arrow heads ends up…"

"I'm one lucky man…"
"Not as lucky as I am…"

Magnus heard the words spoken, watched the kisses, the touches, the hugs, how they held onto each other, the looks in their eyes, the tenderness, all the whirlwind of feelings. He began to feel he no longer understood what was going on, who and what he was watching. His recognition slipped in and out, one moment he could still feel a glimpse of the love, could still remember, the next he was just confused and struggled to understand.

"There is nothing ugly about you…"

He watched as Alec hugged him with care and unconditional love, and for a moment he was attacked with a feeling of gut wrenching terror. 'Oh no…' he thought, 'what am I doing… no, no please no…' he tried to will the few memories that were not yet erased, to return to him, but in vein.

"I got you something."

He was down to his last, final memory. "No… Not that one." he found himself whispering, "I want to keep that one, just that one."

"Me?"
"Yes, You… open it."

'What have I done? God, no, no no, I want them back!' he fell to the ground on his knees, as the tears streamed down his face and as the last of his memories faded away.

"It's supposed to bring you luck and protection."

He buried his face in the palms of his hands, which were sparkling with small sparks of magic, trying to contain the remainings of Alec in his mind.

"Thank you, Alexander…"

"let me keep it, I want to keep it…" but nevertheless, it was too late.

"You continue to surprise me."
"In good ways I hope…"

With those last words, the last of his memories of Alec evaporated away into thin air, the sky turning dark again, the only source of light now gone. Magnus remained in his place - bent on his knees, for another moment, before lifting his head and looking around him, examining his surroundings with confusion.

He could no longer remember exactly where he was, and how or why he had gone there. He touched his hands to his cheeks, wiped away the tears and wondered what happened. He tried to remember what had made him cry, but it was as if he had been possessed for the passed couple of hours and had no control over his actions.

As he stood up, a hand found its way onto his shoulder, causing him to jump slightly. When he turned to find Asmodeus watching him with his cat eyes, he took a step back, freeing himself from his father's grip.

"You." he sneered at him, "what did you do to me?"
"I did nothing." his father insisted, "actually, I came here to try and stop you from doing something stupid, but seems like I was too late." his voice muffled slightly at the end.
"What are you talking about?" Magnus snapped in anger, he was confused enough as it is.
"Nothing my dear son." Asmodeus smiled, which sent shivers down Magnus's spine, he took another step back.

"What are you still doing here?" he demanded, "I told you to leave me alone."
"And I told you that I wasn't going to." Asmodeus took a stepped towards his son, and once again placed his had on his shoulder. "Come with me my dear boy, take your rightful place on the throne beside me."

Magnus watched his father as he spoke, then looked down at his hand on his shoulder, but did not pull away. He was not sure why, but he felt like there was a huge hole in his chest, he felt hollow, as if something vital was missing, but was not sure what.

Suddenly, he felt extremely lonely, as if he had no else but his father in the world. "How about we get you some rest." His father suggests. "Let's go to your loft."
"I no longer have my loft…" Magnus says slowly, trying to remember why he had given it up. "Lorenzo, the new high warlock, I gave it to him as payment for the magic he gave me."

It was strange, Magnus could remember going to Edom, he remembered giving up his magic but couldn't remember why. He also remembered Lorenzo giving him his magic back, getting very ill and losing his magic a second time. He remembered wandering the streets until Asmodeus found him and returned his magic.

It was as if his memories were a series of events that have happened, but huge chunks of time were missing, and he could no longer link these events together. Perhaps he had hit his head at some point?

"I don't remember…" he began to say, not sure how to finish his sentence. Asmodeus pulled him into a hug, Magnus stiffened, but his whole body was exhausted and weak, he felt like he needed the comfort. So he relaxed and gave into his father's arms, wrapping his own arms around his father.

Suddenly he found himself crying once more, tears streaming down his face for no apparent reason. He buried his face into his father's shoulders, completely letting go. "Shhh…" his father tried to comfort him, "don't worry, we will find out what happened, I promise."