Title: consilio et animis
Author: Shannon – shannyfish
Disclaimer: I do not own "Sanctuary" or its characters; Damian Kindler, Amanda Tapping, Martin Wood, and Syfy do. This is merely for entertainment purposes only.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Helen confides in Nikola about the events that occurred in "The Depths" and the emotional consequences of those words shock everyone.
Warning: Takes place in Season 4 after "The Depths" but before "Sanctuary for None".
Written for: Deathofme (archive of our own) for Sanctuary Secret Santa 2011
Author's Note: Reviews are glorious!
. . .
"Where is she?" Tesla demanded the moment the door was opened. He didn't have time for a verbal response. "Just point, William." Once he was given a direction, he was off on his way.
"She's in her office!" Will shouted a moment later.
Nikola had already figured that she was one of two places after he'd been pointed in the general direction. He had figured that Helen was either in her office or her bedroom, of course he'd preferred to crash her bedroom but that could be for later.
He found her in her office at her desk, but something was off. He could feel it the moment he stepped in. She still hadn't said anything, it wasn't like her not to be observant. Nikola frowned deeply, something was extremely wrong here. She was staring down at a pen in her hand. Nothing else was on the desk in front of her.
"Helen," Nikola greeted as casually as possible. He crossed the room and sat in the chair across from her. "I got part of your message."
She looked up, obviously a bit startled. "Nikola, I didn't hear you come in," she said.
"You were preoccupied with the wonders of your pen," he stated as he pointed to the writing instrument in her hand. "You know the ballpoint pen has been around for a while…"
Helen smiled at him. "I know…I guess my mind just isn't in to working today."
"Helen, what's going on?" he asked after a moment. Even with the smile on her face, she seemed lost and so far away. He felt like even though she was only on the other side of the desk that if he reached out to touch her…that she'd be simply too far away for his fingers to make contact.
"I don't know what you're referring to," she said evenly.
"I got a portion of your message," Nikola explained. "One word. Surrender. What was the full message and who's surrendering?"
"I am," Helen said simply as she looked right at him.
"I don't understand."
"After everything…" she started and then she shook her head. Helen tried to keep the tears at bay, that was obvious. "Will's right… I push everyone away and in the end…everyone I care about dies… It's just not worth it. I surrender. I'm done."
"Helen Magnus does not surrender," Nikola told her. After a moment, he spoke up again. "What did your protégé say that makes him right? So far, I haven't felt like he's been right in a way to make you do something so out of character. The Helen Magnus I've known for over a hundred years doesn't surrender…ever."
Over the next several minutes, Helen slowly explained what had happened when she and Will had gone to look for the feathered serpent that they knew SKIU was after. The things that Will had said, the awful and hurtful words. That wasn't all though, she also explained the previous situation where she had to lock up Will and go against his wishes in order to save Abby. She even informed him about the recent events in which Bigfoot had been brainwashed and was working with the Hollow Earth rebel abnormals.
"He had no right to say those things," Nikola told her. "I hope you dropped him to the ground."
"Not really things that a protégé would say…" Helen said. "He wants to be my equal."
"Let's be honest here," Nikola said. "I'm really the only one who can be your equal."
A small smile crept to her face. "Perhaps you're right… Even if I put Will as an equal in my mind, those words felt like a dagger in my back."
"It's because he's wrong," Nikola shook his head. "It's bad enough you had that Adam Worth interface telling you that you killed Ashley. We all know that isn't true. You know that isn't true. Ashley killed herself and that other creature in order to save you…"
Helen sighed. "That's not what it feels like…"
"Do I need to straighten out the protégé that wants to be your equal but never can be?" Nikola asked. "Because I'd be happy to do that."
"I don't think that's necessary."
"Oh it is."
"I can't fault him for speaking his mind, Nikola," Helen told him frankly. "I speak mine all the time."
Nikola shook his head. "This isn't the same. You have tact."
"Well, sometimes…"
"I know that you care about young William, but you have to be prepared to lose him," Nikola said. "It's only a matter of time if he's already this unhappy. I mean, he's obviously not like Henric. Wolf boy is intelligent enough to do as he's asked and to think before he speaks… Maybe he can give William some lessons."
"Henry's been here all his life, Nikola," Helen said. "I don't think he'd know how to talk back to me like Will did."
Nikola sighed with slight irritation. "That's because Henric was taught manners by you." He looked at her, studying her. He knew that there was something deeper. Yes, this explained a lot, but he was worried that she should be with someone more familiar. "Well, I'm going to stick around…we should have lunch."
"I'd like lunch," she said quietly.
There was a knock on their door and they both turned to see who was standing there. "He must have heard us talking about him," Nikola commented. "Henric! How I've missed your face!"
Henry slowly entered, his face with an odd expression as he looked at Nikola. "Um… Doc, you wanted to see me?" he asked and turned his gaze to Magnus.
"I just wanted to let you know that you've been doing a wonderful job around here and," Helen said. "I want you to take some time off…starting immediately…I want you to go over to London and spend time with Erika. You deserve it."
"I thought I was going to do the retrofits to those older cells in the SHU," Henry asked.
Helen motioned to Nikola. "I have reinforcements. Fear not."
"Wait…why am I getting volunteered for work?" Nikola asked. "That's not why I came."
"We'll discuss it over lunch."
Henry stared at Magnus for a moment. "Are you absolutely sure, Doc?"
Helen nodded. "Yes. I've already called in a ticket for you. You should have a confirmation in your inbox."
"You better go before an abnormal appears or the systems shut down," Nikola teased.
Henry looked at Tesla for a moment. "Hey now, these systems are solid as long as you don't touch them and create secret sectors."
"Still not letting that go?" he asked, his hands outward for a moment and then coming together. "Everything turned out for the best, didn't it? We're alive and the nanite is contained."
Henry frowned. "I had to bring you two back with a bootleg version of the Praxian undeading device."
"And you make fun of my ability to name things," Nikola teased.
"Let's call it even," Henry said and then moved his gaze to to Magnus. He waved a little. "Thanks again, Doc."
"Enjoy yourself," Helen told him.
Nikola turned and watched as he left. He waited. He knew that Helen had a soft spot for Mr. Foss, she'd raised him for most of his life…but this seemed unexpected (though young Henry was obviously not arguing). "That was nice…" he said as he turned back to her.
"I'm nice sometimes, Nikola," she commented quietly, her gaze back down to the pen once again.
"You're absolutely beautiful all the time," he told her with one of his charming smiles.
Helen shook her head. "If you say so…"
"That's all the response I get?" Nikola asked a little disappointed. He sat forward in his chair and looked straight at her, she wasn't making eye contact. "I know you wanted me here, it obviously wasn't to flirt." He sighed. "Which I'll admit is a little disappointing."
"I'm sorry, Nikola," she whispered. "I'm just done."
"Talk to me, Helen," he pushed. Nikola was getting more and more worried about her now. With so few of The Five left, she was all he had left (and John, if John was still alive…one never knew with him). He cherished her dearly and it hurt him to know that she seemed to be in so much pain. Maybe immortality was getting to be too much for her? He couldn't be sure yet though.
She shook her head. "There's just so much pain, Nikola," Helen told him, her eyes tearing up again. "I've lived for two hundred and seventy-three years now…and I'm tired… I missed all my chances…twice now… The weight of that is just too much for me to bear."
"I've told you this, William is wrong, Helen," Nikola said. "You were always the more dedicated one. You've always held strong to the Sanctuary, you and James. You stayed strong, no matter what. The rest of us…well, Nigel went off and had a family and he lived his life…John, well at least he saw the world…and as for me, well you know I've tried to revive the species, worked where I could get something from a government while secretly working on a project that could destroy things, and mainly just trying to keep busy."
"The Sanctuary was never the vision of anyone else," she spoke up. Helen tried to smile, he could see that, but it wasn't a full smile. "My father dedicated his life to understanding and protecting abnormals…I honestly didn't expect to live to carry on the Sanctuary for that long…"
"I'm sure going rogue hasn't helped," Nikola said. "But Helen, you don't have to keep the Sanctuary Network going, retire…do something else…"
"What else would I do, Nikola?" she asked. "I've already vacationed for a hundred and thirteen years, I don't wish to do it again."
She seemed so calm behind the tears. He needed to investigate. He also needed to teach her so called protégé some manners. Nikola wondered if it was merely because Will saw Helen as this strong woman that he thought he could say something so horrible and so wrong. Nikola knew the woman that Helen had been so long ago…and the woman she had been through all the years…and now. She was soft, it was just deeper now. She'd brought up walls and shields to protect herself. She had had to.
Helen rose from her chair, ever so quietly. She motioned to the door. "Care to walk with me?"
"I could walk," Nikola said getting to his feet. At least this would give them some time alone. Some time for him to talk to her about whatever was going on. Something was going on. This wasn't the Helen he knew and adored. There was something missing. How he suddenly missed the woman with such courage and wisdom. He moved beside her and held his arm out for her. "Shall we?"
"Let's," she replied with a small faint smile as she took the offered arm and they headed out of her office.
. . .
Nikola had managed to get Will alone, which was fairly easy given that the only other employee wandering about the halls was Kate. With Bigfoot in the wind and Henry on his way to London, that made things quite a bit easier. He had the young man up against the wall and he was shocked to find that there wasn't any screaming from him, at least not after the initial scream.
"You and I have some things to talk about, William," he stated simply.
"And you have to have me daggling up against a wall to do it?" Will snapped.
Tesla let him fall to the ground and shrugged. "It goes far better in my mind with you like that…but if you insist." He held the edge of the left side of his jacket as he paced a bit.
"This is about Magnus, isn't it?"
"What isn't about Helen?" Nikola asked and turned back to him. "You said some very uncalled for things…"
"I had been shot! I wasn't thinking clearly!" he snapped.
Nikola shook his head. "I know about what happened to Abby…you weren't shot then."
"True," Will conceded. "And I still feel like there was a safer…better way to handle that situation."
"You're wrong," Nikola said. "That poor lovely woman would have died if not for Helen. I actually like her, so I would have been incredibly sad if I'd known that you'd allowed her to die simply because you didn't trust Helen."
"Trust? She's been lying to me—"
"William! We all lie!" Nikola cut him off. "The lies aren't what count," he told him as he approached him. "No…what really counts is what's in her heart. You have to trust the person you obviously don't know… It's why Helen and I are still friends after all these years…deep down we know we can trust each other…even if sometimes we're on different sides."
"It isn't my fault that she hasn't shown me this deep down person you speak about," Will told him with irritation.
Nikola shook his head. "Oh William, how you know so little about this world you pretend to live in…"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You think you know us?" Nikola asked, getting closer to him. He hoped that at least he scared Will a bit, he thought he did. "You don't. You used people you don't even know against Helen down in those caves… That's how I know so well that you know nothing about her…or this world."
"I told you—"
"Yes, that you were shot and weren't in your right mind," Nikola said. "I know." He sighed a little and then pushed Will down into a nearby chair. "But just so I know you realize how wrong you are…we're going to have a discussion about what you said."
"Did Magnus put you up to this?"
"No, actually she told me to leave you alone," Nikola said. "But this time…I just couldn't allow this to pass…"
He took his time. He moved farther away from Will for fear that there would be visible marks that he struck the idiot protégé that wanted to be an equal. Nikola didn't want to upset Helen any more than she was already upset. After all, it wasn't good for her. She already was carrying so much…she didn't need this as well.
"Who shall we start with? Griffin?" Nikola asked and didn't wait for Will to respond. "Nigel did what he wanted in life, he was never one to do what Helen asked if he didn't want to. He lived a long and good life for a mere mortal," he said as she paced slowly. "He had a family, obviously… He probably got more of the dream life than the rest of us."
"Clara and her mother both lived in fear," Will pointed out.
Nikola shrugged. "Abnormals don't have it easy… You'd know this if you were actually one of us," he said. "That's probably why Henry does so well. I'm sure he questions life and his place in the world…and where his son or daughter will fit in…but that's a completely different level of living that you will never understand, William. You may have been turned into some kind of lizard creature for a few days, but that's not the same…"
"I work with abnormals everyday," Will told him. "I live with abnormals… And you think I don't understand?"
"No," Nikola said quickly. "Your girlfriend probably understands better. Helen said she didn't seem so shaken up when she talked to her last." Nikola waved his hand before Will could say anything more. "Montague John Druitt. Helen pushed John away and kept him at arm's length for a reason. Jack the Ripper. You should know this. If the person you loved turned into a serial killer, wouldn't you keep them at a distance?" Nikola sighed. He thought about their times at Oxford. Lately, he'd found himself missing their old friends. Sometimes loneliness set in and no amount of wine could ease it away. "She hasn't been able to find a way to remove that energy elemental from John, so what else can she do? He can only fight the demon inside of him so much."
"And Watson?" Will prompted.
Oh how the boy seemed to know less and less and even though he seemed to want to be able to say he had so much knowledge. "James Watson adored Helen, like I have…but on a completely different level of dedication. It was harder because he was so close to John. Helen loved James, she probably still does. She wasn't going to allow her feelings to compromise things, though. If John had found out there was a distinct possibility that he would have killed James. I'm sure you can understand that keeping them both at arm's length kept all three of them alive… Though I suppose if John wasn't such a threat that Helen and James could have been happy together."
"Not you?" Will questioned.
Nikola turned to him with a smirk. "I love Helen, I do, but I guess I've never been the do-gooder and the one to sit in one place for too long… If Helen was all about traveling again, believe me, I'd be right there beside her."
"So fine, I was wrong about The Five," Will told him. "Can I go now?"
"And your precious girlfriend would have died if not for Helen," Tesla added quickly. "Abby's a gem…but I'm not sure why she stays with you."
"Now, THAT'S uncalled for," Will complained.
"Is it? Really?" Nikola teased and feigned boredom. Perhaps Helen needed a better screening process for protégés. Or maybe…she should just let things happen without her trying to place someone in the position to eventually take over. He was sure that if given the opportunity and the need that Henry would be great. Maybe he wouldn't make all the perfect decisions, but he'd figure out how things work.
"You're the one who used Ashley in the dirtiest possible way," Nikola told him. He watched as Will opened his mouth. "No no," he said quickly and waved his hand in the air. "I don't want to hear any of your excuses." He paced for a moment. "Ashley was Helen's life…she probably was the reason that Helen stayed sane for so long… Helen loved that child with her entire being. They were close…and yes, she kept secrets from Ashley, but like I said…we all lie. Helen could have…she should have found a way to save Ashley from the Cabal if she did nothing else on that second chance around. I know she was worried about altering the future, but Ashley was the light of her life…and Helen deserves that happiness."
"Can I speak yet?" Will asked after a few moments of silence passed between them.
"No," Nikola said. "Just feel lucky that I promised Helen I wouldn't straighten you out even though you desperately need it." He held out a finger towards Will. "Don't speak. I don't want to hear you or see you for the remainder of my visit," Nikola said deadly serious before finally turning to leave.
How he wished that he hadn't promised Helen that he wouldn't harm her protégé. He needed it. Nikola believed that a reality check would have been a good idea for Helen's young William. Perhaps he needed to figure out what he really wanted in life. Nikola didn't feel like he wanted to devote his life to the Sanctuary. He couldn't see himself at the Sanctuary for his whole life, but he knew why Helen did it.
. . .
He hadn't heard from her in some time, so he figured that enough time had passed. She'd had enough space. Nikola made his way to her bedroom and politely knocked. He waited, but there was no answer. Frowning, he knocked again and waited.
No answer.
Nikola opened the door and could hear the sound of running water. "Helen?" he called. "I knocked!" He closed the door behind him and headed towards the bathroom.
Nikola moved slowly along, not wanting to find himself flat on the ground for spooking his old friend. With his luck, she'd have a sturdy weapon to use him with too. "Helen?" he called again. He knew that she had to have heard him…though maybe she wanted him to come in farther… He liked that idea.
"If I need to strip down, tell me now," Nikola declared.
Still no response.
Nikola frowned, worry was rising in him. When he entered the bathroom, he found the shower going. He didn't see Helen or her silhouette. She wouldn't have left it running. "Helen?" he called again, this time his voice was laced with serious worry.
No answer.
Reaching out, he grabbed the shower curtain and pulled it back a tiny bit. At the bottom of the shower, Helen was sitting there, her knees to her chest and her head down. His heart sunk. She wasn't moving and as far as he could see, her eyes weren't open.
"Helen!" he shouted.
He immediately kneeled down. Nikola checked for a pulse, it was weak…he could just barely feel it. Looking around, he tried to see if there was any hint as to how she came to be in this state. There was no blood in the shower, so he assumed that she hadn't merely slipped and hit her head. Plus, Helen was far too graceful to succumb to a slippery shower floor.
On the counter was a vial and a syringe. Nikola didn't like it. "Okay, time to get you out of the shower before you get all pruned," he said. Nikola reached up and turned off the water, reached up, and grabbed a towel. Carefully, he wrapped her in the towel and picked her enough so that he could move her out of the shower and onto the floor. Again, he checked her pulse. Weak. "Damn it Helen, what did you take?"
Leaving her for a moment, he turned to inspect the vial. It wasn't good; he knew what she'd taken. There wasn't much time. She probably didn't expect to be found until morning. Helen probably didn't guess that he'd be bold enough to enter her room without permission. It was a good thing that he was who he was.
. . .
Moving her down to the medical lab had been far easier than he'd expected, but that happened when you were motivated. The only thing that was slowing him down right now was Will. He'd run into him and Abby while taking Helen to the elevator and now the idiotic protégé wouldn't leave him alone.
"I honestly don't have time for this right now," Nikola snapped as he raced to mix the necessary ingredients in order to save her. Once she was conscious, he planned to give her a piece of his mind. He knew there was something very wrong… Nikola wished that she'd talked to him more before she'd done something so extreme.
"What can I do to help?" Will asked.
"Leave and never come back," Nikola said. "And get me a syringe while you're at it. We may have to pack her in cold packs too." Damn it, why did he need an assistant to really do this? Why did the big hairy guy have gone over to the dark side and MIA?
A syringe was placed nearby and Will was off getting the ice packs. Nikola just hoped that it worked. It HAD to work. He finished mixing the ingredients he'd gotten. At least her lab was well equipped for what he needed. Small blessings. The syringe was filled, but he needed to make sure that she was strong enough for it.
"What's going on?" came a foreign voice, obviously British. "Oh God…what happened? What can I do to help?"
"Whoever you are, please tell me you have more medical experience than the fake protégé over here," Tesla said as he motioned to Will without looking back at the two of them. He was trying to think and make sure that he was doing everything right.
"Not much. Combat medicine," the voice responded.
"Better than a psychology background," Nikola quipped. "Do you have a name?"
"Declan McRae," he said. "You must be Nikola Tesla. Watson told me a lot about you."
"Oh, James' protégé," Nikola said as he turned towards them. "I like you much better…"
"Thanks?" Declan said.
"We need to bring her body temperature down to ensure there's no damage done to her brain," Nikola said. "Once it's low enough we can administer the antidote and then slowly bring her back up to a normal temperature."
Declan nodded and took ice packs from Will and started to pack them on. He wanted answers. Not only was Magnus in an unknown, yet obviously near death experience, but she was practically naked on the medical bed. Carefully he continued to pack on the ice packs. He took a moment to hook her up to monitors so that they could keep track of her vitals.
Worry ran through him, he just hoped that they weren't too late. He wouldn't lose her.
. . .
Days passed.
They'd gotten her temperature down to the right level and she'd stabilized. Putting her in that state was to protect her. Nikola had administered the antidote and after an hour, Declan had started the process of slowly raising her temperature. Her vitals remained stable and she seemed to be better…but she wouldn't wake.
He kept telling himself that her body was healing itself. He'd stayed at her bedside the whole time. At first, he'd just sat there and then he'd requested a book from the library. Declan had brought it to him like the perfect protégé that James had trained. But then he'd started to babble…
"You know, this is ridiculous," Nikola said. "We're geniuses…we can come up with a way to make things better for you, Helen. I don't care what it takes…" His voice trailed off and he tried to hold it together. "I'll do anything for you."
Her head moved an inch and his gaze snapped back to her. "Helen?" he spoke as he reached out and took her hand. Nikola squeezed it. "I'm here…"
He paused what he'd been saying and just stared at her. Her eyes slowly opened and she started to look around. It brought a bright smile to his face. "There you are," he said as he gently ran his fingers along the side of her face. "You had us all worried there." He was dead serious a moment later. "Don't do it again."
"Why…?" her weak voice asked.
Nikola didn't know what to say to that. Why? Because he didn't want to be alone. Because her protégé was wrong. Because someone needed to run the Sanctuary. "Just rest, Helen."
"I don't want to rest," she told him as tears formed in her eyes.
"You either rest or you listen to me babble on," Nikola told her.
Tears fell down her face as she stared up at him. "I didn't want to be saved, Nikola…"
"Who would run the Sanctuary Network without you? Don't say William because I think we've already agreed how bad an idea that is," Nikola told her.
"Declan was on his way," Helen told him.
"Ah," Nikola said. "I do like him…even if he's British…"
Helen smirked a bit.
He felt like that was a step in the right direction. "That's why you sent Henry away…"
"Yes," she responded quietly.
"He'd hear eventually and you don't think he'd be crushed?" Nikola asked. He may not know everything about those Helen kept close, but he knew that Henry Foss was extremely close to her. She'd raised him with Ashley for most of their lives.
She was quiet again.
Nikola looked over her vitals again and was happy that she was stabilized. That was the most important thing right now. He didn't feel like he could leave her alone though. Getting up from the chair he'd been sitting in, he moved to the medical cabinet and loaded up a few capped syringes with sedative. He dropped them into the white medical coat pocket he had on. He was sure he'd need it.
"How about I take you to your room? I'm sure you'll be more comfortable there," Nikola told her. He tried to lighten the mood after a moment. "Plus, the lighting is more romantic there."
. . .
She was still all doom and gloom. Nikola didn't like it, but he wasn't leaving her. She'd get her through this "rough patch". He'd sedated her for now. He'd managed to get her to eat and walk around for a while, but she was still incredibly depressed.
Nikola was lying in bed with her. He'd held her while she cried until she fell asleep. He hated seeing her like that. He knew he hadn't been around when John had terrorized her at the end of the nineteenth century, James had been there for her…but he knew that she'd been through some dark times.
He didn't care how long he had to lay there. He was going to get his friend back. He needed her back. Nikola knew he needed to check in with SKIU, but right now he needed to be here with her. If only they weren't on opposite sides, this would be so much easier. Nikola suddenly wondered how they would know whom she wanted to take over the Sanctuary Network. Normally, William would be in charge of everything but Helen had wanted Declan in place.
He wasn't surprised at the sudden change in her mind. Declan seemed capable enough. Nikola made a mental note to walk with her to her office the next time she woke up in order to look for a letter he left behind. Or perhaps she left behind several letters. He knew Helen; she wouldn't blame this on anyone even though obviously blame could be placed in one place. She'd say that she'd lived five lifetimes and now it was her time. He didn't buy that.
. . .
It took days of off and on sedating her in order to get her to a point where Nikola felt like she was going to be okay. He wasn't leaving her side, though. Nikola needed to use their communications systems though to check in with SKIU.
"I'm fine, Nikola," she snapped.
"I'm not sure "fine" in that context is the correct word choice," Nikola told her. He lay there in bed with her, both of them just staring up at the ceiling. Silence passed between them again. "Helen, you know I care about you too much to let you try to attempt suicide again."
"I shouldn't have sent the message so early," Helen said and turned her head towards him. "I wanted to see you though…"
"I'll come whenever you call," he said as he turned to her. And it was the truth. Helen was probably his one weakness, especially now. They'd been there for each other so many times… Maybe before Helen wasn't his weakness, but now…now she definitely was. There weren't many of The Five left. They needed each other now.
Helen turned to him fully and scooted closer so that she was pressed against him. She wrapped her arms around him and stayed close. "Don't leave, Nikola…"
"I won't if you continue to talk to me like that," he said with a smile as he wrapped his arms around her as well. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I could stay here forever…"
"You would get sick of this place fast," Helen whispered.
"Maybe…but driving Henry crazy could be worth being tethered to one place," Nikola said.
"I'm not always so fun to be around, Nikola…"
He kissed her forehead again. "If I could find a way, I'd move heaven and earth to bring Ashley back to you…to bring them all back…"
"I'm not worth possibly changing all those lives that would be impacted," Helen told him.
"Of course you are," Nikola said quickly. "You're not just anybody, Helen. You're Helen Magnus… You're changing the world…even if it's not ready…" He felt like she really was so lonely. If only he could recreate Adam Worth's time portal and go back and change things for her. Even if he could just save Ashley…and perhaps James and her big hairy guy.
That would be another story though…
"If you died, Helen…the world would lose all of your wisdom…and your courage," Nikola told her. "You need to at least find a proper protégé to pass that on to first…"
. . .
The End
