Today, I'm insane. Which is why I'm writing drabbles. Yay go me!
This one is based on an AIM conversation I had with one of my weirder friends the other day. We were discussing his "crush" and my boyfriend. And it turned out very, VERY strange. So… I'm going to change it a bit so the roles fit.
So the pairings must be…. Harry/Lavender and George/Hermione
Yeah don't kill me please!! T.T it's the only way I can think of to make the plot fit!! (( ookay bye.
And the characters are going to be VERYY OOC. (
Yeah. This is going to be insanity plus fluff. So be prepared.
The Thing About Insanity
I: Relationships are so… ugh.
It was really dark. Like, really, really, really dark. So dark that even Harry's jet black hair melted into the night… even if his hair did look like a black hole in the star-filled sky. The moon glinted off his glasses as Harry turned around and asked Hermione, "D'you think she'll ever go for me?"
"Who? You mean Lavender?" Hermione was trying to be patient but her voice betrayed her edginess. Already that night, Harry had brought up Lavender more than fifteen times. Hermione wondered how she could have kept track, and then returned her attention to Harry.
"No, the random weed I fell madly in love with in Herbology yesterday, when it tried to attack me. Yes, Hermione, I mean Lavender."
"I wouldn't know, Harry." The same answer I gave you every other time you asked. Hermione groaned in her brain. She had her own problems to deal with. "Harry, do you think I love George?"
Harry choked on his Butterbeer, which, until that moment, he didn't know he had been drinking. "If it's not love, its obsession, Mione. You've been checking your watch every two seconds."
Hermione thought about it, and realized that Harry's conjecture was rational. She had been checking her watch every two seconds. Although, logically, her watch shouldn't have been working. She checked it again. 9:29:58 PM. The neon Nemos fluttered happily around the hour and minute hands. The next time she checked it it'd be time- no.. still 9:29:58.
Harry quirked his eyebrow at Hermione. "You've been checking that watch since we got here. We got here at 9:25… and we've been sitting here for three hours. He's not going to show up."
Biting her lip fiercely, Hermione growled, "Yes he will. If my watch has moved 00:04:58 since we got here, then time must be moving very, very slowly. It's not 9:30 yet, so be patient."
"Hermione, why am I even here? This is supposed to be your rendezvous with George. Why the hell did you bring me along?" Harry wanted to go back to his dorm, where he could fantasize about Lavender alone.
"The author needed us to talk about something."
"Ah. I see."
The two went back to twiddling their thumbs. In exactly 00:00:02, Filch would be barging up and insisting they went back to their dormitories.
"What did she—"
"I don't know." Hermione snapped.
"Okay."
They went back to twiddling their thumbs, and Hermione started cursing at her watch for apparently being stuck on 09:28:58.
Five minutes later (according to Hermione's watch, it was still… uh… 09:28:58), Harry turned around again to find Hermione grasping her watch in a chokehold and preparing to pelt it off the side of the astronomy tower.
Harry yelped and pulled Hermione back. "You really should stop checking your watch." Harry yelled. "Focus on something else. Focus on me." Harry said, grabbing Hermione's face and focusing his eyes on hers.
Somewhere, an invisible crowd awwwwwed.
Hermione gurgled, and Harry loosened the pressure he was putting on her cheeks. "Harry, you're smushing my face."
Harry let go as if Hermione's cheeks had burnt his hand. "Sorry," he muttered.
Hermione checked her watch again. "ARGG!!" She screamed, "I really have got to stop checking my watch."
Harry smiled in an abnormally sappy manner. "We can go insane together."
Hermione grinned. "Right. You can chant, Lavenderrrrr loudly while I run around screaming, FREAKING GEORGEEE!!"
Harry paused a second and frowned. "Not the flower."
"No, not the flower." Hermione tilted her head to the side and leered at Harry. "And you know which George I'm referring to?"
"Washington?" Harry asked hopefully.
Hermione grimaced. "No, Curious George."
Harry lit up. "Oh OH!!! It's the monkey with the floppy yellow hat!! HOW CUTEEE!!!"
Hermione didn't notice Harry's OOC outburst because a cartoon monkey had suddenly appeared, and she was too busy chasing it around and trying to steal its hat. "IMA EATCHOO!!!!" Hermione screamed, lunging at the monkey, who artfully dodged her grasp by leaping onto a batch of balloons and floating away.
Harry, who was now perched on a telescope, looked at Hermione, aghast.
"I'm going insaneeee." Hermione started banging her head on the wall.
"So… to keep your precious George with you forever you're going to… ingest him?" Harry was appalled, yet strangely interested. "Bloody hell that's like some bad Greek myth."
Hermione chuckled, blood dripping down her forehead. "Right. So like some bad Greek myth, I'm going to stare at him with my smouldering Medusa eyes." She grinned. "And I'm going to turn him into a statue, and stick him on the wall… in my bathroom." Hermione had no idea where the last part came from, but she said it nonetheless.
Harry grimaced. "That's scary. You come out of your shower and WHABAM! There's a guy there."
Hermione laughed. "Seems like a nice place to put a statue. Maybe it'll be like one of those sets of armor they have mounted in the hall and sing to me."
Harry fell off the telescope, frothing at the mouth and gurgling a song that sounded suspiciously like Sexy Back. "I'm bringing…. -gurgle- sexyback -froth- You see these -bubble- shackles baby I'll be your -foam- slave…"
Hermione grimaced at the horrible screechiness of Harry's singing, and said thoughtfully, "You know, if there were actually a statue there, I'd probably jump back into the shower and scream." Then, realizing Harry had made a mistake, she jumped up and pointed a quivering finger at Harry's frothing, twitching body. "The statue! It's a MONKEY! Not a BOY!"
Harry bubbled happily, and Hermione suddenly developed psychic powers. Investigating Harry's mind, she found a curious blank, and a few images of an asexual Hermione stepping out of a shower, seeing a leering statue of a giant monkey, and screaming, running around trailing the towel with the monkey lumbering heavily after her, a lusty grin chiseled into its crude albeit extremely cute features. The filmstrip-like thought-process continued, and Hermione watched her own progressing with a morbid fascination. Suddenly, the thoughts took a more explicit turn, and Hermione shook her head furiously, and realized that she, in fact, didn't have psychic powers and was merely being cursed by her own imagination. "Bad images! Bad Images!!!!" She screeched, leaping around as if a huge stone monkey were on her trail.
The froth from Harry's mouth had made a pool of his gaping mouth, where several extremely small sprites were now bathing. The foamy bubbles spilled over and began to drip down Harry's face, and the cold liquid woke Harry from his stupor. "Wow. Your fantasies are worse than mine," he exclaimed brightly.
Hermione froze midleap, and fell to the ground in an awkwardly positioned spread eagle. "You fantasize?" Hermione had momentary images of fluffy rabbits running around with pink lusty hearts after stuffed green dinosaurs.
Harry's eyes widened in horror. "WHAT'S THE BUNNY WABBIT DOING TO THE DINOSAUR!!!" He covered his eyes and whimpered. In my happy Harry-esque fantasy, the rabbit started doing mad pelvic thrusts while the dinosaur jumped up and did a happy dance with a strawberry. Somewhere in my mind, someone was screaming, "HARD GAYY!!! FOOOOOO!" (A/N if you've ever youtubed hard gay, you'd know exactly what I'm talking about. Er.. sorta)
Recovering from his temporary trauma, Harry opened his eyes just long enough to say, "At least my incessant references to a certain flower are more innocent."
Hermione's mouth opened in protest. "And my references to a certain monkey are not?"
"No! Not when you want to eat him and then turn him into a … a… gargoyle!"
"He's not a gargoyle! Gargoyles are used as drains for rooftop water!"
"You want to put him in your bathroom!"
"Okay. Lets just pretend I said hall or something, okay?" Hermione's hands raised in resignation.
Harry continued his ranting, ignoring Hermione. "And one night, you decide you're thirsty so you get up and walk to the kitchen and you see this form at the end. You try to run past it but you trip on the arm and it falls down on you."
Hermione's mouth opened again, and she wondered how she would trip on Curious George's arm. She wasn't THAT short…
Harry continued. "And next thing you know, the headlines of the Daily Prophet will say, "Obsessive girlfriend squished by stone boyfriend"."
Hermione opened her mouth. She does that quite a lot. "IT'S A MONKEY! Not a boy!"
Finally acknowledging Hermione, Harry stuck out his tongue. "Okay then. Squished by stone monkey-friend."
Hermione smiled sappily. "Okay. That works." She opened her mouth again.
The author became annoyed of Hermione's incessant mouth-opening, and slapped a huge yellow bumper sticker on top of Hermione's lips.
"Mrfffffff frmmmmmmm morrrrrrllllllllllllllrrrrrrrrrrffffff" Hermione mumbled, her lips refusing to detach from the adhesive.
"Sorry Herms, I didn't catch that. What did you say?"
Hermione shut her mouth tightly, and the sticker disappeared. "I said, this happened to me last year, and I took a very nice picture."
Harry frowned, trying to imagine. "I don't think I would have liked it."
"Why not?" Hermione exclaimed, offended.
"Because theres a yellow thing… stuck… to your face…"
Hermione felt slightly affronted. She had liked the sticker! "Hey, maybe I like having pee-colored stickers slapped to my face!"
Harry shrugged, then grinned suggestively. "Maybe it was deemed that your face is too pretty for public view and had to be censored for the public's sanities."
Hermione smiled at Harry's lame flattery, then frowned, thinking of George's reaction to their aimless flirting. A giant monkey popped to mind. The author threw a banana at Hermione.
Harry leaned over, his mouth slightly open, his tongue flicking the edge of his lips.
Hermione's eyes widened, leaning back slightly to avoid being kissed.
Harry suddenly lunged at Hermione.
Hermione screamed, as Harry lunged past her and clamped his teeth down on the banana smearing into her hair.
Hermione broke into a nervous fit, because her watch still showed 09:28:58, and Harry was now sucking happily on the banana, and occasionally licking the remains of banana pulp off her hair.
Suddenly, the door to the stairs banged open, and George ran into the room. Pushing past Harry, who lost his balance and disappeared over the side of the tower, George swept Hermione into a passionate embrace.
Then, the two disappeared in a puff of pink, glittery perfume. They had completed their purpose in the chapter, and thus had disappeared to a happier land. Well… that and the author didn't want to gross the readers out with a lip smacking, stomach wrenching, passion flaming makeout session.
Lying a hundred feet below with his head somehow magically in Lavender's lap, Harry stared up at the sky.
Lavender smiled gently down at Harry. "Look," she cooed, "an angel just fell from heaven into my lap."
Harry stood up and brushed himself off. Narrowing his eyes at Lavender, he said, "I'm itchy," and walked away.
Okay. I know. I'm horrible. And incredibly insane. Its just… my friend and I have such interesting conversations that I can't help but share with the world. :) And for the record, my boyfriend's name IS George, although my name is not Hermione. And the name of my friend's crush, although not Lavender, is also a flower.
Yes. So that was me venting the stew of strangeness steaming in my brain. I hope you were a bit weirded out, and enjoyed my random spazzing just a bit.
And hopefully you found my random humor funny. Else, I'll have to fall out of the Astronomy tower and into some incredibly hot guy's lap.
x3, Princess of daemons
