AN: In canon Ron didn't find the Hogwarts Kitchens for years. I don't buy it.
"So a talking hat, huh? How's that working out for you?"
"Very amusing, but better a hat than a troll would you not agree Ronald Bilius Weasley?"
"Hey, ix-nay on the Bilius-say!"
"Wow, issues galore, but where to sort you?"
"Gryffindor of course- but first tell me, where are the Hogwart's kitchens?"
"If there were a house of gluttony I'd put you there instead..." The sorting hat grumbled. "I suppose it is pretty gutsy to try to find a staff only room on your first night, better be Gryffindor!" The last word was louder and the hat was torn from his head even while he protested loudly "But the Hat didn't tell me where the kitchens are!" to more than a bit of laughter.
"Ron, we can't-" "-we promised Mum-" "-and Dad-" "-and Mcgonagall not to." Ron glared at the Twins.
"Come on guys! I'll do anything, name it!"
The two lanky redheads looked at each other then back at Ron.
"Well Ronniekins-" "-we could use a test subject..."
Ron yelled "Never mind!" after he was out the door.
"En garde you scurvy cur!"
"What?" Looking around he saw a funny painting with a knight on a tiny pony. "Um, I surrender to your skill?" Ron said questionly, the man in the portrait brandishing his sword drooped. "Oh very well! Can't help that you're a learned Lad and know better not to mess with me!"
"Right... Hey! I bet you now the castle really well, any chance you could... wait you're a Knight ain'tcha?"
"Right again you are Lad!"
"Then I have a quest for you- er thee! If you are brave enough..." Ron thought that sounded right, like the time (not that he was listening!) his Dad had told Ginny a story of Harry Potter going back to the mid-evil times. He didn't know why anyone would go to times that were evil- but Harry Potter said he never went anywhere outside of Surrey until his Hogwart's letter came.
"Of course I'm brave enough- what is this challenge? I shall face any army, take down any creature, defend and make love to any woman- wait how old are you Lad?"
Ron went a little green "I'm eleven- so please stop."
"Right, right... A Lad's Lad and not even ready for that I'd wager. No matter, what is thy task!?" Ron peered at the painting, sure he was being made fun of but not sure how. Still, there was Food to be had!
"The castle is um, under siege by dark powers and we desperately need provisions- I've been assigned but, well, I don't know where the kitchens are!" It was even true, Ron thought, Snape was as dark as they came and the castle was filled with Slytherins, and Ron was starving, it'd been a whole two hours since Lunch!
"How awful! The paintings are always the last to know, a travesty! Follow me Lad, won't have you wasting away on my watch or my name isn't Sir Cadogan!" Raising his sword he yelled "Try to keep up, charge!" Kicking the sides of the "mighty stallion" he raced off, and Ron struggled to keep up even as the knight crashed a Dinner party that looked delectable, all that Food wasted by the donkey knocking the table over- sure it was painted but it was so delicious looking!
Ron let out a whimper even as he carried on running even as Cadogan ransacked his way through painting after painting.
"Tickle my pear Lad."
"I'm not into fruits that much." Ron admitted.
"Sure, and my name's Sir Nicholas..." The portrait snicked to Ron's confusion. "No Lad- tickle the pear in the painting- the green thing- and it will open the painting! I'm off to see what else I can do to help!" Sir Cadogan had to clarify, things had to be dire indeed if they'd charged this Lad with anything more complicated than mucking the stables. Still, there was a war to be fought, he had to rally the troops!
Ron hesitated but... looking around he couldn't see Fred or George, maybe this wasn't some prank, though it'd be just like them...
Reluctantly he touched the pear and rubbed his finger along it until.. "Tee-hee!" the pear laughed and Ron jumped back as the portrait swung open.
He was taken aback by the green things- but he'd heard of them- besides, no matter how freaky their bulbous eyes were, there was Food!
"Um, can I get something to eat- Whoa, good service!" The dozen strange faces beamed as they held trays filled with snacks.
Ron eventually migrated to the table with a stool to save their cooking arms and ate his fill, eventually.
Ron groaned as he slowly made his way up the stairs after his second Breakfast, most important meal of the day in his opinion.
As he sat at the chair, Professor Flitwick taking attendance his chair creeked alarmingly... then all at once it seemed bent and he was on the floor his bum stinging and his face red as the class laughed. Flitwick had his chair repaired as fast as a Niffler or Goblin or Gryffindors seeker spotting a bit of Gold, but that didn't take the sting of humiliation away.
'Maybe I should cut down on Food? But... That would be less Food, no... Maybe... Quidditch players eat more and don't get fat... I can't fly- don't have my own broom and they don't allow second years that aren't celebrities on house teams... maybe there's something there though...'
Thoughts of his dilemma haunted Ron- it got worse as his clothing started getting too tight. Worse, he knew none of the family was bigger around than him save his Mum- and as bad as wearing hand-me-downs from his Brothers was, he knew wearing his Mum's old robes would be even worse.
"A light Lunch please." Ron bit out as he sat for his second Dinner a few nights later having finally run out of options.
The elves gasped, one running away screaming "It's the end! As bug-eyes foretold, we're all doomed man, doomed!"
That seemed to set the other's off.
Ron glared impotently, he knew it was strange but they didn't have to make fun- but as the panic increased and worse, Food wasn't being cooked or served, he knew they were serious.
"Guys, I... I'd love to eat a full proper sized Dinner, but I'm... I'm getting too full for my Robes- I just wish I could join the quidditch team, those guys can eat tons- but I'm just a first-year."
"Favorite taste-tester needs Quidditch to eats?" One of the green beings asked.
"Well, it wouldn't need to be Quidditch probably but we don't have Quadpot here and it's inferior, everyone knows that."
"Dinkle knows how Master can gets more room for treatses- the come and go room!"
"The whut?" Ron said finally having been handed some food once they'd calmed down, barely a meal, he thought ruefully, a mere steak and kidney pie with a pumpkin pasty for dessert.
"The Come and Go Room- Dinkle shows you afters your meal. How be the pie and pasty young Master?"
"Good, the pie could use a crispier crust- Mum spreads a bit of butter ontop before cooking it- the pumpkin pasty could use something more- maybe some chocolate sauce or some cinnamon or nutmeg?"
The elf wrote down the note "Wes be trying that for tomorrowsy- yous is such a useful young Master."
Ron beamed at the elf.
"Here it is."
Ron stared incredulously at the elf, turning back to the portrait of some nutter trying to teach Trolls how to Tango and back at the elf.
"Young Master must walk past this wall three times while thinkings of what he be wanting- no Foodsies or living thingsies but anything else."
Skeptical not that he knew what that word meant Ron started walking "What do I want, Quidditch, a ...Maybe since it's just me this first time an obstacle course? An easy one since I haven't flown for weeks and with the best broom the room can provide" Ron thought out loud.
"Master, the door's appeared, you cans stop walkings now."
"Huh." Ron shrugged and opened the suddenly appearing door and gaped- it looked just like the Burrow though looking closer it was like a wooden painting with only one flat side. Still, in front of it was an obstacle course- rather like he imagined it.
The broom near the door to the open sky 'room' was no Nimbus 2000 but it was thick and sturdy, a ... "What in Merlin's crusty beard is a Scooty Broom Sr.?" Shaking his head, he quickly grabbed it- no one used "up" after the first flying lesson- took longer than just picking the thing up.
Straddling it he slowly rose and leaned forward, he was slow as he moved between the pole banners, over and under them in a loop.
Then he did it again faster, trying to beat his old time, not that he knew what it was, wish he had some way to record it- Ron grinned as he saw the scoreboard with his past laps, best lap and hit a banner falling to the ground painfully.
Ron snarled and hit quaffle after quaffle away from the nets, surprised at how much his practice paid off. Sure, he hadn't wanted to be a keeper and his brothers had forced him to if he wanted to play, but he'd gotten pretty good at it.
Ron flinched away from the bludger barely getting his arm up to block it sending vibrations through his bones- "Stop stop! Not for me, the Twins can keep beating off!"
Ron grinned as he finally got three quaffles in the hoops in a row. Sure, it was on "Troll mode" but he was getting pretty good at this!
Bored with flying, Ron wondered what was wrong with him. Still, it was true, it was getting pretty monotonous- that's a funny word but Hermione would be proud he was using that word a day thingy once in a while. Not for the first time he considered letting other people in on the Room but he didn't want to share it with Hermione- she'd just turn it into a library and never leave. Definitely not with the Twins- sure they'd help him train- by smacking bludgers at him and pranking him, before finally kicking him out. Harry was another matter but... This was the one thing that he had that was his- his secret room known only to the House Elves as far as he could tell!
"Hmp- I could practice dueling but that's what DADA is for, why bother... Sides' Bill and Charlie got O Newts in it... What can I do that's not flying or Eating for exercise?"
That's when he remembered Sir Colon or whatever the funny portraits name was- who better to model himself after than the Knight that led him to the Kitchens?
Sword fighting just like the gallant Gryffindor too! How hard could it be anyway? Just stab the other guy before he stabs you. Nodding, he started pacing in front of the blank wall. 'I'll need a couple swords, and I guess someone to teach me- maybe like a portrait in a training dummy or something? Guess a quidditch stadium to fight in too.
Ron threw open the door exited to get started.
Ron moaned pitifully on the ground bruised and sore, his sword missing in action- he thought the other guy had smacked it clear over the stadium, but couldn't be sure.
"Now young Ronald, I trust that you have learned that there is much you don't know?"
"Y-Yes." To think Ron had thought this bloke was alright- he had red hair too! Gingers were supposed to stick together!
Still, at least the very real looking swords only bruised- he'd be dead a dozen times over if they weren't.
"Back are you? Thought you'd have given up- you ready to follow instructions this time?"
Ron winced but nodded. "Yes Sir." He still didn't know the man's name- he'd been all mysterious about it and Ron had given up after a few tries, too used to dealing with the Twins antics.
"Good enough lad, now pick up your sword, hold it- no higher, now keep your hand holding it till you can't any more."
He lasted a mere couple minutes, his arm sore already, it was unbelievable.
"Good lad! Better than most."
Ron blinked, he... he was better than most?
"Now do your other hand!"
Ron groaned, but picked the sword back up in his off hand, there were few things Ron did better than most- but he always wanted to find something he was good at besides Chess and Eating, and it was still cool, sword fighting, even if it was far more work than he thought it would be.
"Sprints now!"
"Dodge!"
"Learn how to fall- probably should have taught you before we started on sprints and dodging..."
"Slash horizontally with your right hand 500 times."
"Other hand, Lad."
"Vertically!"
"Diagonally!"
"Stab!"
"Deflections! Don't take the brunt unless you have to, slide the other sword away from you so you can stab or slash them!"
"Now we're ready to start you sparring, prepare yourself!"
"Tonight, Dumbledore's gone, he's going after the stone tonight! I'm.. I'm going to stop him." Harry said in that determined voice that he only heard a handful of times, usually right before getting a detention or a points lost, usually both.
Ron winced, he wished he had a sword but it vanished as soon as he exited the room with it and he couldn't afford one of his own even if his Mum wouldn't have thrown a fit.
Maybe he should have learned some decent defense spells, but there wasn't really much time!
Ron couldn't believe he hadn't thought of making the room a life sized chess set, even as he set about planning and playing.
He didn't know how to ride a horse. He didn't know how to properly fall off a horse or dodge from a horse.
In a twist of irony, despite having gained a little muscle and lost most of his newly gained fat, and learned the basics of sword play, Ron was still smacked in the head with a stone sword.
"Oh come on!" Ron yelled.
Ron had been prepared- he'd found out the Room Of Requirements had a room full of lost things along with more than a few swords- he'd asked his sword tutor who was being all mysterious about his name to teach him a few spells- he'd even learned to cast with his off hand - at least with the salvaged wand he'd found in the Room Of Lost Things which was a sight better than his broken twig of a wand...
All that work blood and sweat...
He glared impotently at the cave in blocking him from rescuing his Sister- could today get any worse?
"Hello there! This is a dreary place isn't it, do you live here?"
Ron considered the sword on his side before biting out "No."
Ron was too happy to see his sister to be upset that Harry had stolen his thunder- and the one thing he had unique to him. How was he supposed to beat killing a basilisk with the Sword of Bloody Buggering Gryffindor? Okay, maybe he was a little miffed about it.
"ARGH!" Ron screamed incoherently, his sword stabbing into the neck of the Dementor... and doing not a thing! The dementor took a deep breath and Ron sunk to the floor, a blinding bright light the last thing he saw.
"Is it true, did you two faint?" Ron and Harry glared at Malfoy.
The dog came out of nowhere, he was down on the ground and being pulled, agony in his leg, his sword confiscated for trying to stab Malfoy's leg- he wouldn't have died, he didn't see what the big deal was!
Transfiguring a sword cane, Ron hobbled along with Peter feeling useless. Then everything happened at once- the tearing bloody transformation, Peter changing into his pet. Ron shuddered at the thought, even as he withdrew the sword from it's cane barely blocking the Werewolf putting pressure on his bad leg falling to the ground barely keeping the sword between the snarling maw and him. Thankfully the Dog chose that moment to leap in, the Rat long gone.
The Goblet of Fire lit again despite already having three names. "Harry... Potter..." Dumbledore said as if shocked before shouting "Harry Potter!"
Ron hit his head on the table again and again. It was always bloody Potter!
"I er, I'm sorry." The ever mysterious swordsman had beaten some manners in him.
"It's okay." Harry said but, it really wasn't. He felt terrible for being so jealous- he couldn't have taken out a Dragon with a sword and wasn't as good a flyer as Harry even with all his practice.
He considered showing him the room- but... how mad would Harry be if he'd learned he'd kept it from him? He winced. Best just to help where he could- he knew a few spells that could help at least, not that Harry needed his help- while he was off doing real things Harry and Hermione were studying in the library and they had a far easier time with spells than Ron did.
"He's back- Voldemort's back."
Ron grimaced, "I'm going to need a bigger sword."
"That's what-" "-she said-" "Lil' Ronniekins." "OW! "Ow!"
Ron grinned sheathing his Sword, grateful he'd figured out the concealing charms. That's the best use he'd gotten out of the sword so far, Ron thought, smacking his Brothers.
"This is the worst year yet." Ron muttered on the back of the Thestral.
He was freezing- but that's not the worst of it- dealing with the Toad had been awful, and then Harry had found the Room of Requirement and instead of keeping it between just them he used it for the D.A. Hermione badgered Harry into teaching!
Worse, Hermione found the Kitchens and found him there- and there was a coldness between them that didn't seem to go away even when she relented that they seemed to enjoy having him as their food tester.
"Heh, brains! Accio brains!" as it turned out most wizards didn't get close enough to use a sword on them, but at least he had a brain finally, then everything went rather fuzzy.
"Dad, what's with that sword on the wall?"
"That thing? Stupid hobby from my youth, barely got to stab anyone with it." Ron shook his head.
