Screw Dumbledore. He has forced me to write in this acursed advice column. As least I get to live and plan my next great escape.

Dear Voldy,

My best friend is dating my crush! What should I do?

From,

TheFireThatBurnsWithin


Dear Fire,

Kill him

Sincerely,

Tom Marvolo Riddle


Dear Voldermolt,

My mom just killed my pet hamster because he fell on the floor while she was vacumming.

From,

LongLiveSqueaky


Dear Squeaky,

Kill her

From,

Voldermolt


Dear Dark Lord,

You are too pale. I'm not afraid to say your name.

From,

I'mNotAfraid

P.S. VOLDERMOLT VOLDERMOLT VOLDERMOLT VOLDERMOLT!

P.S.S. CREAM CHEESE

P.S.S.S MOLDY VOLDY


Dear Afraid,

Expect 10-25 Death Eaters arriving at your house in the next 24 hours. Let's see how fearless you are when my followers are shooting killing curses into your... Well let's just say that if you live, you won't be going to the bathroom anytime soon.

Sincerly,

Voldermolt


Dear Voldermolt,

You need Spray Tan. The Spray Tan at Joe's Tan Shop is on sale.

Tannishly,

TheTanMan


Dear TanMan,

The most powerful person in the world does not need spray tan! Get some spray tan yourself. But, would I look more powerful in Spray Tan?

From,

Voldermolt


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