The Legend of Badass Zelda: Prologue

Authors Notes:

-This takes place in the Ocarina of Time world, however the story will not follow that game's story necessarily. I'm just using that particular world build since it's easy to imagine and probably is the most familiar of the Zelda maps to people.

-This is mostly for parody purposes, with some action involved. If you don't want to read a fic with Zelda being completely out of character, I suggest you not read this. This fanfic is a completely different take on the character and the world itself really.

-As always in my fanfics, italics indicate thoughts except when it's just one word in the middle of a sentence, and that signifies slight emphasis on a word.

It is a bright and sunny day in Hyrule today. There is a nice breeze that sways the grass of Hyrule fields. In the middle, we see two figures. The one we recognize as our Hero of Time, Link. The other is Ganondorf. They are staring each other down, waiting for the other to strike. Link has his Master Sword drawn with his Hylian Shield at the ready.

Ganon: You will regret the day you invoked my wrath.

Link: Hyaa!

Ganon: Oh, right. I forgot. He doesn't talk. *Facepalm*

Ganon gets impatient and runs to Link. He encases his hand in dark energy and punches forth. Link promptly blocks it with his shield, but he is pushed back a little bit. Link stabs forward from behind his shield, but Ganon jumps back a little to avoid it. Link then throws his shield at him (Think Captain America) and hits him in the gut. As Ganon hunches over, he takes out his longshot and shoots it straight for him. The chain wraps around his neck. Ganon struggles to get free, but Link pulls him straight towards himself. He then spins with his sword and cuts him in the torso very deep. Link then equips the Iron Boots (somehow) and stomps on his foot.

Ganon: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Ganon is hunched over in massive pain right now. While he is, Link pulls out the Megaton Hammer (Where does he keep all this shit?) and bashes him right over the head. This sends Ganondorf straight to the ground. Link has a sneer on his face, knowing he just kicked Ganon's ass for the 18th time in the last couple months. Seriously, he keeps count.

Ganon: Don't think it's over…

Just then, the seven Sages (Zelda, the eighth, is not present) all appear and surround Link. They all have darkened eyes. Link can already tell that something is up so he readies himself, but it is too late. They all shoot a beam of their particular element at him and he is encased in a beam of energy. Eventually, they stop and he is shown to be charred up and then falls to the ground. Ganondorf gets up in due time, with his face even more messed up than usual.

Ganon: Good work, my minions. Now that I have the Master Sword, no one can stop me. No one!

Switch over the Hyrule Castle. Princess Zelda is seen sitting on a throne in the middle of the throne room. A guard opens the door frantically and scurries over to the princess and kneels before her.

Zelda: What is it? And why have you come to me so frantically?

Guard: It's terrible! Link…he…

The guard informs Zelda about the situation. Apparently he had seen the whole thing, but didn't do a damn thing to help.

Zelda: I see. That is quite disturbing. Our hero is gone. And what's more, the sages have betrayed me. I suspect something.

Guards: What will we do now?

Voice: We will come up with something.

The king of Hyrule enters the room (basically imagine CDI king but in Ocarina of Time style artwork).

Zelda: Father…

King: For right now, we must get you to safety, Zelda. I suspect Ganon will come after you next.

Zelda: Oh no, I mustn't…

Guard: We will protect you with our lives, Princess!

Zelda: Thank you, but…

King: We have no time to waste. Let's go, Zelda.

Zelda: (Voice intensifies a little) Okay, fuck this shit!

King: !

Zelda: I'm not some snot-nosed princess that always needs to get saved. Well…there were those few select times, but it's different now. That was bullshit. Nintendo isn't in charge anymore.

King: Zelda!

Zelda: Leave me alone, alright?!

Zelda teleports away via Farores Wind.

Guard: I had no idea she was like this.

King: She's a rebellious one, I'll give her that.

Minutes later, we see Zelda in quite different garb. She is wearing black skin-tight jeans and a black T-Shirt with one of Metallica's album covers on the front. She is wearing spiked wristbands. She is inside her room, which has posters all over the walls of different famous rock and metal groups. Pretty much everything else except her bed is "punked out". She keeps the princessy bed because it's comfortable. She is currently lying on her bed, with her iPod nano on and headphones in her ears (Where the fuck did she get such technology?!). She is currently listening to Stricken by Disturbed.

Zelda: That does it, I'm going.

Just then, the door is knocked on.

Zelda: Aww fuck. What do you want, dad?

King: Open the door!

Zelda: *Sigh* Fine. Just one second.

She turns off her iPod and then presses a button on the wall. The walls turn and everything changes into a more pink, vibrant, princess type of room. She encases herself with magic and then changes back into her dress. She throws the iPod behind the bed.

King: Zelda?!

Zelda: I'm coming. Don't shit your pants, old man!

Zelda opens the door and lets her father in.

King: Look, I know it's hard for you, having lost Link.

Zelda: Yeah, it is hard. He might not have been able to speak, but his sword came in quite handy when I got bored.

King: Oh, you mean he did some cool sword tricks for you privately?

Zelda: Yeah, let's go with that.

King: I'm sorry. I don't think there's anyone who can defeat Ganon now though.

Zelda: There is. The eighth Sage.

King: No! I forbid you to go!

Zelda: I'm going, whether or not you like it. I'm the only chance Hyrule has got. Well, unless I go contact Samus, but she's always busy in her own world. Bondage style is very popular in space, I hear.

King: …Alright. But you're taking some of our men with you.

Zelda: Yeah yeah. Anyway, it's suit up time!

A dramatic sequence takes place where she puts on a leather combat suit with the help of a servant. She puts on sunglasses at the end for effect.

Servant: Wait a minute, I thought you could change clothes with magic. Why didn't you just do that?

Zelda: …C'mere a second.

The servant walks up to Zelda and she kicks him in the shin and then puts him in a headlock.

Zelda: Never question aesthetic suit ups. Never.

Zelda then lets him go.

Zelda: Well, this is a bit tight though. I have a better idea.

She encases herself in magic again, and this time she has her Shiek guise on.

Zelda: Now this is more like it.

Just then, she hears a ding.

Zelda: Oh!

She goes over to a computer and sees that Princess Peach has sent her a message on NIM (Nintendo Instant Messenger).

ZomgItsPeach: hey bby gurl wass up

DefinitelyNotZelda: Yo, Peach. You still typing like a 10 year old?

ZomgItsPeach: not kool…smh

DefinitelyNotZelda: I'm just messing with you. What's up?

ZomgItsPeach: i asked u first

DefinitelyNotZelda: Lol Link got captured. I gotta go save his lazy ass.

ZomgItsPeach: lol

ZomgItsPeach: men are the worst

ZomgItsPeach: i told mario his fatass need to lose weight before i mary hm

DefinitelyNotZelda: …Right. Well, I'm gonna go save him now. Tell Samus I can't make the photo shoot tomorrow.

ZomgItsPeach: 4 shame. c u l8er

It is now night time. She's still in her Shiek form. She gets outside the castle when a guard spots her.

Guard: Hey, weren't you supposed to go with a small team?

Zelda: Sorry, but I can't. They'll just slow me down. Don't say anything to my father.

Guard: Will you answer one question for me if I don't?

Zelda: Yeah, sure. What is it?

Guard: When you're in that form, are you a boy or a girl?

Zelda: Would you like to find out?

She grabs the guard's head and leans closer to him. We can see a blush through his helmet. Suddenly, her eyes flare and then we see the guard fall unconscious. Zelda lets him fall to the ground.

Zelda: My time in Super Smash Bros. wasn't wasted. Thanks, Mewtwo. Oh, and by the way, jackass. I don't magically change gender when I disguise myself. See ya.

With that, our princess has set off on a journey to save Link. What surprises and twists will she have to face in order to get him back? Be prepared for an exciting adventure on The Legend of Badass Zelda!