Dean never thought he could find self acceptance. He never believed that someone might see all of his flaws and still find him attractive. For as long as he could remember he kept pieces of himself hidden, even from Sam. At least he liked to believe that there were hidden sides of him that Sam knew nothing about. Sam was always more perceptive than Dean gave him credit for. Those dark sides of himself were always there they had just grown exponentially since Hell. The guilt and the constant worry that he was not good enough for anyone plagued his mind. He never thought he could love anyone because he couldn't even love himself. He couldn't forgive himself for being so human, so imperfect. How ironic was that? He spent his entire life hunting monsters and he couldn't accept his own humanity. But Cas could.
"Alright, that is enough self reflection for one day" he muttered to himself before lifting the beer to his lips. The motel room was silent but for the sounds he was making. Sam had not returned from his separate interview. It didn't worry Dean yet. The victim's family lived twenty miles away from the motel they were staying in. Still Dean's eyes glanced at the clock making an internal note. He jumped up from his chair when he felt a hand brush down his back. Swinging around and reaching for the knife hidden in his coat pocket habitually before recognizing Castiel standing before him. He breathed a sigh of relief.
"Oh, hey Cas" he said before looking guiltily at the ground. He could have attacked Cas. His first instinct had been to plunge his blade into whatever had touched him until all he could see was hilt. Cas would not have been hurt physically but there would have been hurt he couldn't hide from his eyes. The last time Dean had accidentally attacked Cas the look on his face seared into Dean's brain for a week. He had a hard time thinking about anything else. Cas had assured him that he was not to blame. That his hunter's reflexes were simply a survival mechanism. What Cas said and how he looked were two completely different things though.
"Hello Dean" Cas replied with a small smile that snapped Dean out of his memories. Cas crossed the distance between them and planted a small chaste kiss on Dean's lips before shrugging out of his coat and making his way to bed on the far left.
"In for the night?" Dean asked him when Cas did not explain his sudden appearance.
"I heard you thinking about me. I thought you might require my company" Cas shrugged.
"Jeeze, I thought about you for two seconds." Dean scowled. Sometimes it was difficult to date an Angel. Cas always knew what Dean was thinking which was good because he had a habit of stopping Dean from being too self deprecating but damn, sometimes he would like to keep a thought to himself. He knew Cas didn't read his thoughts intentionally. He spent so much time being near Dean that the mind reading was a reflex to him.
"It was longer than two seconds Dean." Cas eagerly corrected before saying "But...if you want me to leave"
"No." the word left Dean's mouth quicker than he liked. When he looked up Cas had a smirk on his face. Cas was teasing him. It had taken Dean longer than he would like to admit to be accustomed to Castiel's wit. Then again, Dean couldn't read Cas' mind so he was left to figure things out on his own. Often the results were disastrous.
"Would you like to see my thoughts?" Cas asked him after Dean said nothing for a minute. Dean knew he hadn't responded to Cas' teasing the way he had hoped. Today was weird. He was entrenched in his own thoughts and was having a hard time pulling away even for Cas.
"Is that even possible?" he asked. He knew his answer was a resounding yes but what was the point in admitting it if it couldn't be done.
"It might be. I doubt it has ever been attempted" Cas answered with a small head tilt.
"It would be awesome" Dean answered in a nonchalant way. The truth was it would help quell his insecurities. He knew that Cas had feelings for him despite his inability to see any redeemable qualities in himself. He knew that Cas enjoyed being around him but Dean was always a little hesitant to give away parts of himself. Cas must have sensed that Dean was holding back considering the mind reading but he never complained.
"It would be temporary. I could attempt to make a permanent adjustment but that might have the adverse effect of explosion" Cas said drawing Dean's focus back to him once more.
"Did you just say that your thoughts would make my head explode?" Dean asked astounded.
"Yes." Cas answered. He was picking himself off the bed.
"Nope. No double meaning there at all" Dean chuckled to himself and gulped down the rest of his beer. It had been growing warm in his hands since Cas' arrival.
"Lay it on me" Dean said when Cas had walked close enough to touch him. His breath hitched when Cas' hands found his hips. He was being walked backwards into the bed. The back of his knees hit mattress and he sank down unceremoniously. Cas was standing in between his legs while looking down at Dean. His hands had moved to Dean's shoulders but his fingers would lightly brush at the exposed skin of Dean's neckline every few seconds.
"Ready?" Cas asked him softly. Dean nodded and licked his lips feeling anticipation grow in his chest. Suddenly Cas had his hand wrapped around the back of Dean's neck and was leaning down to kiss him. The kiss started slow but Dean could feel the lust building behind it. He wove his hands as far up Cas' back as he could manage in the sitting position. Cas stepped in closer and nibbled at Dean's bottom lip before deepening the kiss. Dean felt Cas' tongue flit into his mouth teasingly. Just as he was considering moving his hands under Cas' clothing a thought swarmed into his head. He definitely hadn't been wondering if all humans were good kissers or it was just himself a second ago. It startled him enough that his mouth went slack against Cas'. He was about to pull away and ask before another thought that wasn't his own filled him. Don't stop.
