My name is Kaneda Kurusu. My brother Kimihito and I have been living by ourselves since our parents left to work abroad. Things were stagnant until that Smith chick dropped that lamia chick, Miia, at our place. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: apparently monsters are real and the government has decided to integrate them into society. Mind-blowing, I know.
Anyway, Kimihito, bleeding heart that he is, couldn't bring himself to kick the snake out and let her stay with us and now she's bonkers for him. Go figure; my brother, the excellent cook, excellent sewer, caring, patient, never-gets-mad (believe me, I've tried. Nothing short of setting his room on fire would piss him off.) saint of a brother has a hot snake chick that wants his snake. Jesus, what next, is he gonna discover the cure for cancer? As if he wasn't oh-so-perfect already.
Me, I'm none of those things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an awful person, but I am the kind of guy who'd prefer to avoid any and all kinds of stress. All the things Kimihito does? It's turned him into a nervous wreck and a doormat who'd rather shoot himself than disappoint anyone. Me? I just take it easy and let the chips fall where they may.
But getting back to Miia, I'm not too jealous of Kimihito. Yeah, she's hot, but she's a too chipper and touchy-feely for my tastes. I prefer a more serious and stoic type of girl-of course, having a great rack wouldn't hurt either.
Anyway, recently, Kimihito took Miia out while I stayed home. Hey, no need to get between my brother and his snake chick, right? This was after Smith reminded him that having sex with Miia can get him arrested (gotta remember that little factoid. I'd love to do a monster, but I'm sure it's not worth jail time) and Miia injured Kimihito, as per usual. They went to a lingerie shop (now that must've been all kinds of awkward), got harassed by a jerkhole couple, hid in a love motel, nearly got busted, and then came home where Miia tried to hit on Kimihito again. Meanwhile, I was here, trolling through Internet videos. Just another day in paradise.
Today, Kimihito and Miia are doing laundry and Miia's gushing about how Kimi punched out that jerkhole couple. I was pretty surprised when I heard that he did something violent (but then he was defending a woman's honor, Galahad that he is). Suddenly Miia screams out 'Darling!' Yes, she calls him darling. Yeah, I know, gag me. I'm watching TV and don't pay it any mind when Miia slithers in and wraps around me, all in a panic.
"Miia, what the hell!" I yell.
"Kaneda! Darling's been taken!" Miia cries, her coils tightening.
"Taken by what?" I squawk as I begin to feel the squeeze.
"A harpy, that's what! We've got to find him!"
With that, we're out the door, Miia slithering as fast as she can down the street with me still wrapped up in her tale. As we go on, the picture starts to fade and I'm feeling lightheaded due to how tight Miia's got me. When we stop I can barely register that we're at the park. I can hear Miia yelling about a 'bird-brat' and something about eloping but it sounds like she's at the far end of a tunnel. There's some more yelling before she finally drops me. Glorious air comes back into my lungs.
"Jesus Christ, you stupid reptile, do you want me to…?"
My vision returns and Miia's facing off against a blue haired harpy girl who's…Oh God, she's naked! I wouldn't have a problem with that, except this harpy looks severely underage! Geez, I feel like I should get arrested just for being in her presence!
"Kimihito, what the hell is going on?" I snap at my brother, trying to avert my eyes from the harpy.
"I know, I know." He says to me. He turns to the girls.
"You're putting on quite a show, having a catfight here…"
That's when we notice nobody's looking at us. They're all looking at a little girl who's stuck in a tree. Poor kid's scared out of her wits.
"She can't get down?" Jeez, is this harpy's name Captain Obvious?
"Isn't this kinda dangerous?" No, Miia, we humans regularly climb dangerously high objects. It's completely safe!
The harpy puts her clothes back on (thank God) and Kimihito covers Miia's torn shirt with his jacket.
"Is she okay?" Kimihito aks.
"Don't worry! Leave it to me!" The harpy chirps. "I'll peck at her until she falls!"
Real brainpower on this one.
She leaps…and faceplants on the ground.
"I can't fly because my wings are wet." She explains.
Miia decides to take a whack at it and starts climbing the tree…and also in hopes that saving the girl will impress my brother. And they say guys have misplaced priorities. She gets to the girl, her face peering out through the leaves. Naturally, the girl gets so scared she falls off the branch. This day just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?
Miia's tail shoots out…and the girl misses. Because of course. But then the harpy jumps up and catches her…but since her wings are too heavy, they both crash to the ground. Right on top of Kimihito. With the harpy's crotch in his face. Yeah.
Kimihito congratulates the harpy (her name is Papi. Papi the harpy. Ha ha). Also, I see that look. She's fallen (no pun intended) for my brother. Yippee-skippee. Everyone claps, the girl's mother thanks Papi, and Kimihito comforts Miia. But seriously though, I'm glad the kid's alright.
Then a cop on a bike comes, having heard about the kid being stuck in a tree. Great timing, bud. The cop asks about Miia and Papi's host families and apparently the bird girl doesn't have one, so of course Kimihito says that we're her host family. Great. Now we'll be looking after this dingbat.
But wait! The cop wants to our papers! Which we don't have! Huh boy. Then out of the blue, Smith shows up with them. I have no idea.
Back at home, Smith tells us how she had Papi's papers and that she ran way before Smith could force (yes, I heard that, Smith) us to take her. So now, Papi really is living with us. Have to agree with Kimihito, Smith really doesn't give two craps about her job, does she?
But Papi's happy. Now she's calling Kimihito 'Master' and is now dragging him off so they can bathe together. God, that's creepy. Miia, however, doesn't seem to mind, which is really weird. Even Smith notices.
"An adult like me can handle her." Miia says.
"Oh my. Papi's actually your age." Smith says.
Both Miia and I are blown away. Smith starts going on about how harpies evolved to have smaller bodies for flight and that they look younger than they are and Miia smashes the bathroom door in and yells that she'll look after Papi. Also, I don't care if Papi is older than she looks, I still feel like a pedo for thinking of her that way.
"By the way, Kaneda," Smith says to me. "I certainly hope you're not dumping all the responsibility onto your brother."
I roll my eyes.
"Please." I say. "If he wants to bust his nuts keeping those airheads in line, that's his problem, not mine."
I head for bed, just to get this day over. I look in on the busted bathroom where Miia's telling Papi to stay away from my brother and see Kimihito pinned under the broken door.
"You're bleeding, dude." I say.
A few mornings later, Kimihito jabs me awake.
"What do you want?" I moan.
"The refrigerator's empty." He tells me.
"Thanks for the heads-up." I say, trying to go back to sleep.
"You're going to go to the market and get more food."
"At this ungodly hour? You know I don't get out of bed till after eight."
"Kaneda, you know how hard I'm working to keep us all afloat."
"And for that, you have my eternal gratitude. Now beat it and let me sleep it."
"I'm serious, Kaneda! I know you think I'm a pushover…"
"I don't think so, I know so."
"But you're going to have to pull your weight around here, now that we've got Miia and Papi with us!"
"Hey, I didn't ask for them to stay here and neither did you! You chose to make them your responsibility and I chose to stay my course."
"Look, you're right, we didn't have a choice in having Miia and Papi here. But the bottom line is, if you want food for today, then you'll have to get it."
There's a long silence afterward.
"All right. Fine." I grumble, getting up. "You win. Happy now, Mom?"
"Yes."
I exit it the market just as the sun begins shining.
"I can't believe I'm going shopping first thing in the morning." I groan. "Both Miia and Papi eat enough to feed the entire city. Can our budget handle this?"
As I walk out an alley, something crashes into me and sends me flying into a street sign. Geez, is this what Kimihito goes through?
"I can't believe we actually met." A voice says. "It must be fate! My name is Centorea Shianus. I am a member of the dignified centaur race. Are you the one destined to be my master?"
I barely hear this, having had the wind knocked out of me and having collided with a metal sign. When I come to, I call Smith, who tells me about how centaurs have a tradition of finding their own masters before saying it's her day off, asking me to take care of her, and hanging up. Geez, and people say I'm lazy.
But enough about that, let's talk about Centorea. Sweet cranberry butter, she is amazing. Blonde ponytail, gorgeous blue eyes, jugs the size of my head and a frigging sword! Sure, she's got horse ears but that's easy to overlook, especially when compared to the horse body. Finally, something good has happened!
"Japanese spells are no joke." She says.
"Spells?" I ask.
"If you charge into an intersection, the one you run into is your soulmate. It's an ancient spell, right?"
Uh, what? That trope is so clichéd, I feel like heaving.
"If you did that, it'd cause a traffic accident." I say. "I, uh, almost died."
"I see." She says, handing back the groceries.
"And as much as I'd love to be your soulmate, that's not a spell. That's a manga cliché. And an old one."
"Wh-What?" She cries. "I knew I should've put toast in my mouth!"
Okay, is every monster girl just plain out of her mind? And why am I not caring as much as I usually would?
"Erm, where did you learn that?" I ask. "Why are you even looking for your soulmate this early, anyway? And using such, uh, violent methods?"
"Well, because…"
She's interrupted by a guy on a motor scooter roaring down the road and snatching a lady's purse. He shoots right past us and she suddenly hugs me, squeezing her face into her massive chest.
"Damn you. Committing more crimes?" Centorea growls, looking after the crook.
I barely hear her, being shoved between such glorious knockers. Oh, how I've longed to be subjected to marshmallow hell! Getting hard to breathe, though…
She notices my suffocation…and my hand getting a feel. Not entirely on purpose, I swear!
"I'm sorry!" Centorea says.
"It's all right, really…"
"But as a proud member of the centaur race, I cannot ignore the deeds of the vile criminal!" She declares, drawing her sword. "I swear on my blade that I will capture him!"
Damn, what a woman.
"But according to the Interspecies Exchange Bill, I cannot touch him." She continues, sheathing her sword. "That's why I've been looking for a master to fight alongside me."
Wait, what?
"Now, hold on…"
"But it can't be helped, however." She says, grabbing my arm. "It matters not if you aren't my master. Come with me."
Centorea drags away, putting my arm under her magnificent chest.
"Uh, wouldn't it just be easier for me to ride you?" I ask.
Suddenly, one of her hooves shoots out, nearly taking my head off.
"What are you doing? I'm not a horse!" She yells. "If you're not my master, then cease this rude behavior!"
Oh, great. I've already pissed her off.
"Okay, I'm sorry, I had no idea." I say. "But how am I supposed to go with you?"
Soon, Centorea's charging after the thief with me clinging for dear life to her torso.
"Touch me inappropriately and I'll throw you off, got it?" She says to me.
"Yes, got it! Crystal clear!" I say. "But can you slow down?"
The crook speeds up and so does she. Her boobs are bouncing at an unbelievable rate but I'm too busy trying to not die to enjoy. The guy shoots through a cart of huge water bottles. Centorea slices them with her sword and gets soaked. At this point, I don't know if this will be the best or worst death ever.
He jumps down to a lower road and she jumps too. Fuck me. She bounces off a truck and catches up to the crook, her sword to his throat. Centorea starts to tell me something but then notices me clutching her breasts. Hey, I'm desperate not to fall!
To make matters worse, the combination of her boobs bouncing and my hands rubbing is making her incredibly aroused. While she's accusing me of being perverted, I nearly fall, tearing her shirt open. The crook gets an eyeful, which distracts him long enough to crash into several boxes of paint. Unfortunately, Centorea has frozen up due to having her shirt torn open and we crash into the door of a paint factory.
I barely hear her swearing to kill me for groping her when the crook advances on her with her own sword. He raises the sword to kill her but by some miracle I leap to take the blow.
"I'm dead…" I thought as things went black.
"…Or so I thought, but I'm fine." I say on the phone to Smith a while later, my chest bandaged.
I tell her that Centorea's sword was fake and how eager she was to catch the crook, but then Smith tells me forcing Centorea to ride her was akin to raping her.
My insides freeze. Rape? Oh good God, someone please kill me now.
I turn and see Centorea standing at the door. I throw myself on the ground at her hooves and apologize with every fiber of my being. I look up and see her kneeling and staring me right in the eyes.
"I want you to call me Cerea." She says. "That's what my close friends call me."
She apologizes for getting me wrapped up in all that. I try to dismiss it, but she grabs my hand and shoves it on her chest, demanding me to feel how her heart is pounding. Then she switches gears again and says how she's truly met the man who is to be her master and how this is the first time anyone's sacrificed themselves to protect her.
"Therefore, I, Centorea Shianus, acknowledge you as my master and swear my lifelong loyalty to you. Master, will you accept my loyalty?"
Whoa mama. This is the first time I have ever been this serious with any kind of girl. And I've only just met this crazy chick. Yet there's only one thing I feel like doing.
I kiss her. And she kisses back. Now, I have never kissed a girl before and let me tell you, there is nothing like it. We both wrap our arms around each other, my one hand going through her lush ponytail. That's when Kimihito, Miia, and Papi walk in.
"Kaneda, who's this?" Kimihito asks.
"I'm hungry!" Papi says.
"Listen up, now that I'm here, things will be different. My master comes first." Centorea tells the others while seated for dinner.
"You don't have to worry about this one, Kimi boy." I tell Kimihito. "I'll take full responsibility for this one."
"How generous of you." He says, rolling his eyes.
Well, it seems like things are picking up around here. Gotta find ways to make up for the whole 'no sex' thing, though…
