Okay, so I have two new multi-chap fic ideas and I started this one first.
I have know idea why.
I hope you all like it.
Any characters you recognise from the show I obviously don't own.
anyway, on with this one!
(The title may change at some point, I'm not too sure about it.)
lyrics: near life experience - lifehouse
Make this go away, I'm begging please-
there's little life left here for me to bleed.
Is this where I end, or is this where we begin?
.
A few quick kisses, a swipe of his tongue across her collarbone and the soft press of his lips burnt to the spot on her lower neck along with a few harsh thrusts of his perfect toned hips and she's gone. Finally! He had spent the better part of three hours teasing her to the edge or insanity before falling back and leaving her hanging. Her body pushed hard against his as he laid his own quaking frame on top of hers, breath on breath, skin on skin, his fingers intertwined with hers, their arms pushed high above her head. Her nails dug hard into the back of his hands, his name falling from her mouth over and over again. They can spend hours teasing each other or quick minutes grabbing at each other, desperate for an orgasm.
It's never more than that.
To Olivia all this is a friends-with-benefits situation. They get together, they fuck and they go home. She fights with her over-active mind on a daily basis, he had suggested dating, only the once. She had immediately shot him down and said no, maybe a little too quickly. More and more she had been thinking about them, maybe suggesting they give it a shot but she couldn't deal with the guys at work, what would they say, what would Elliot say if he found out she was dating Cassidy? The stares, the jokes, she wasn't prepared to deal with that. Not that there was anything wrong with Brian, he was a sweet guy, she loved that she had gotten to know him better. She just wasn't prepared to sacrifice her career and her reputation just yet.
Olivia climbed from the bed, grabbing her underwear from the end of the bed and her bra from the floor, hastily shoving them back on, she felt him reach over and gently touch her hand.
"Hey…" He called softly, his voice barely above a whisper "Stay the night."
She shook her head and smiled "No, I can't…"
"Please, just tonight…" He sat up in the bed, his back against the dark-wood headboard "I won't ask again, ever again" He smiled, his eyes giving away the fake smile.
Olivia looked around, glancing at the clock indicating the early hour of the morning, her heart dropped when he started talking again.
"Or at least till I fall asleep? I've had a shitty week Liv, I honestly can't bear to watch you walk out that door again, not tonight." He mumbled sadly, little did Olivia know just how bad that week was. He shook his head and grabbed his boxers and her shirt from the floor, pulling his boxers back on he stood up from the bed.
"Forget I just said that" He laughed and handed her the shirt.
"Cassidy…"
"Don't. I'll see you tomorrow at work right?" He asked, unable to tell her he was leaving the squad. He could barely bring himself to register the news, never in his wildest imaginations did he imagined something like this would happen to him.
"Come on" She called quietly, grabbing his hand and dragging him back to bed. She pulled of her grey trousers and climbed in beside him, lying on her side.
Never had they been like this, usually it was drinks, sex and then one of them walking out. Brian had never expressed the want for her to stay, not like this.
"You look tired" She said quietly, her fingers traced the dark lines of his face, he looked exhausted. His eyes were dark, his face sunken in, had he lost weight? She hadn't paid much attention lately but lying here with him, the pale moonlight casting a faint glow over their bodies through the crack in the drapes, she noticed it all.
He smiled "You wear me out."
"There's something else." She pressed, he wasn't exactly an open book but with her he seemed freer than ever before, he had told her stories of his past, things he wouldn't tell anyone else. She felt a little guilty for not doing the same but he said he understood why.
He shook his head, his fingers tracing the sensitive skin of her upper arm making her shiver "No there isn't." He leaned forward and kissed her forehead, she felt her heart pound a little harder and her throat dry up at the feel of it; it was so romantic, just that one tiny kiss sent sparks throughout her body and he didn't even know. "Get some sleep."
She just nodded and closed her eyes.
.
Olivia felt guilty as hell as she crept around the dark bedroom, the sun barely rising in the sky. She had slept about an hour and a half before waking up and realising she wasn't in her own bed and that she had actually fallen asleep beside Brian Cassidy. They had never done it before, it wasn't a usual occurrence and she cussed herself and engraved it into her brain that it would never happen again.
She didn't want a relationship; she didn't want feelings and emotions of that calibre towards another person. She had convinced herself that she didn't need or want a lasting relationship with anyone, work came first.
She tip-toed out of the bedroom without a backwards glance, unaware that Brian was awake and heard her leave, again, he rolled his eyes and cussed himself for actually hoping that she might stay just one night, their last night together, maybe if she knew that it was the last time they would be like that she would have stayed. His mind was on over-drive, there was so much he had to do. Only Cragen knew of his situation, they had spoken about it at length just last week and had come to the conclusion that the best thing for him would be to take leave. He didn't want to, he didn't want any of this to happen but he had no choice, it was happening, to him he had never felt more alone in his life yet there was nothing he could do about it, he just had to deal with it.
.
Walking back to her desk she watched him practically stumble with exhaustion into the squad room. His eyes bleary, his body practically failing him as he almost fell into his chair. Olivia watched him drag his hands over his face and through his hair, she had left him only hours ago and he looked as if he'd been in a fight with a car, just without the bruises.
"You okay Cassidy?" She called over, taking a quick sip of her burning coffee
"Yeah, fine" He mumbled back, pulling a stack of paperwork out of his top drawer and grabbing a pen from Munch's desk.
She watched as he read and re-read papers and DD5's, trying to catch up on past cases like the rest of them. He seemed lost; his stare would wander from the stacks of paper in front of him to the windows to his computer screen. She wanted to ask, she wanted to walk over and put her arms around him, ask if everything was okay and what was bothering him. She wanted to take his pain away; the guilt ate at her with fury as she watched him cautiously walk towards Cragen's office.
.
"How are you today?" Cragen walked around to perch himself on the front of his desk.
"Fine…" Brian watched as his boss threw him a questioning look "Tired." He admitted. "Didn't sleep much last night"
"You should take the rest of the day; you can clear your stuff out if you want, while no-one's here?"
"Sounds good" He gave his boss a smile. He couldn't bear the conversations with the rest of the squad, the why's of his departure, where was he off to now? He just didn't want to face it, he wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep for a year.
"You know I'm here, we all are, whenever you need anything, just call. We take care of our own" Cragen smiled, trying to offer some comfort to the younger man sitting nervously in front of him, he was about to embark on the toughest adventure of his life and Cragen felt over-whelming guilt that he couldn't do anything, not one single thing about it.
"I know" Brian stood from the chair and held out his hand "Thanks Cap" He smiled and shook his Captains hand.
"Keep me updated, let me know what's happening, good or bad news, I wanna know." He followed Cassidy to the door "I'll check in with you, make sure you're alright"
"I'll be fine" He walked back to his desk and pulled open the drawers, the cardboard box sitting on his desk chair glaring at him, reminding him of the evil and heartache he was about to face. He didn't want to leave; he didn't want to have to put his career on hold when it was just getting started.
.
"What's going on?" He whipped round a little too fast that caused his head to spin, his heart thudding hard in his chest at the small voice questioning him. He watched Olivia's brow furrow as she watched him emptying his locker, his few personal belongings being flung into the brown box.
"I'm out." He admitted, hoping she wouldn't question him too much.
"What…why? What happened?" She came to his side, her arm gently cupping his arm, her eyes filled with concern.
"Nothing, just…this I guess. I'm not good with the vics, it's just too much." He lied, unable to tell her the truth. He didn't want her concern, her guilt, he knew she would try and help but he didn't need it, he needed to leave, figure this out for himself.
"You're great with the victims, Bri." She told him honestly, she had been in interviews with him before, he was kind, patient and he knew just how to handle a victim and a perp.
He scoffed and smiled at her "Okay" He threw a mug into the box at his side
"You are."
"It's not just that, I just…it's just too much sometimes." He spoke honestly. "Maybe I'll be better suited somewhere else." He told her.
"Well…" She started, her voice breaking slightly, her eyes felt wet and her heart tugged at the thought of not seeing him every day. "Good luck with everything" She smiled "I'll…We'll all miss you."
.
"Cassidy's left?" Olivia stood leaning against the door frame of Cragen's office at the end of the day.
"He has" Cragen watched the fleeting emotions across her face, he hadn't admitted it but he knew something was going on with her and Brian, maybe not to everyone else but to him, it was obvious.
"He didn't say anything, to any of us…" She walked in at stood behind one of the chairs, her hands clenched on the back.
"It's not an easy thing to tell people Liv, he didn't even want to tell me, I had to force it out of him"
"Not everyone can handle SVU, it's not easy…we wouldn't have thought any less of him"
Cragen looked at her confused "What…what are you talking about?" He asked, his arms perched on his desk.
"Cassidy, leaving because he couldn't handle the vics, or he thought he can't. He can, I've seen it with my own…"
"Liv…"
Olivia caught Cragen's eye, something was bothering him, he looked confused and worried. Why is everyone keeping things from me!? She thought to herself.
"He didn't…that's not why he left."
"He just told me when he was packing up his…"
"Liv…"
"Cap, what the hell is going on?" She stood angrily.
"Liv, Brian's sick."
Her heart dropped to the floor, she was pretty sure her mouth was hanging open. Her body went numb and she gripped the chair harder convinced she would fall to the floor if she didn't. She could hear her heart screaming in her ears and her mouth felt as if it was stuffed with cotton wool.
"What…what are you talking about?"
"He's on leave from the force…He's sick, Liv. His doctors recommended he take leave rather as trying to work while he's on treatments. The risk of infection and stuff…it's just not worth risking his health over."
"Treatments…what…I don't..." She felt the tears filling her eyes; she was so in shock couldn't even form a full sentence.
"Liv…Brian has cancer."
any thoughts?
let me know if you want more!
