warnings :
language, self torture, sexual scenes
In this story i want to exhibit the issue of committing a suicide . Some might not take this as a serious issue . I hope somehow trough this story people could undarstand the pain and the hopelessness of those people who commit suicide . When people get to this condition everybody they know should help them.
i absolutely have no desire or intention to hurt anybody -if you feel uncomfortable while reading it please stop reading this story.
A sholder to cry on
chapter one
Alone
"Tick tak tick tak" Ed listened in concentration to the sound of the hands switching slowly in the big round watch above him . The silence in the room was so dull and unbearable . He wanted to go to sleep but at the other hand , he wanted to stay awake for Al .It had been almost three weeks since he had gotten Al's body back .The doctor said it would take him over three weeks or so to wake up .
The blond lied there feeling pressure in his chest ... He hated the hospital . He couldn't sleep during the nights, It was impossible for him . Right now he felt emptiness inside , a loneliness that he had never felt before .
He played with his hair by slipping the golden strings between his real fingers .Of course he could go out for a walk , to think and to breath fresh air ... But something held him on the couch . He could call it an inner voice, that told him to stay close to Al , no matter what will happen he will stay loyal for his young brother ...
Sudenly he felt the urge to fill his throat with ice-water , he hadn't drunk all day , he hadn't drunk for almost two days in fact ... He felt the need to cough because of the dryness in his throat .
He wished Al to wake up already so they could leave this place and never return . He wished that he could go back to the day he and Al preformed the humen transformation and stop himself from being a reckless idiot .Sometimes he wished he had never been born , And sometimes he wished he could just drop dead ..
But for Al ...For Al he would stay strong , At least till the day he wakes up .
The sound of a silent knocking and a man's voice that was calling "fullmetal ? " met the teen's ears .
He already knew who it was . Mustang usually came to check on him and Al . The man slightly opened the door , Ed could see a few lines of light from the hallway, He let his eyes track over the lines , Up to men's face. Roy was whispering ones again " fullmetal ? " , He slowly stepped into the room and closed the door behind him .
"are you awake ? " he asked in concern . The blond nodded but then it came to his mind that the man probably couldn't see him the dark . He quickly set himself from lying position to sitting and whispered " Yeah .. I'm awake " .
The man sighed , Ed could hear the colonel's steps on the ceramic floor " Make me some room , will you ? " he said calmly .
Ed slightly moved to the right side of the cough and waited to the colonel to say or do something .
" I brought you some food ,coffee and a bottle of water ' He raised a brown bag and gazed to the teen's pouted face . " I'm not hungry " Ed frowned and leaned his chin between his hands . Roy quickly sat down and gazed to Al's direction .
" You must eat something or at least drink water " he yawned and leaned his head on the back rest "The nurses are starting to worry about you fullmetal " he said and gazed up to the ceiling with tired eyes .
The teen nodded he really was thirsty and Roy came just on time " You want water or coffee ? " the dark haired man asked as he's taking out the drinks out from the bag.
"Water " Ed replied and moved his gaze to look at the door impatiently . The last thing that he needed right now was coffee. He wanted to run away from this place but he would stay only for Al .
" Here " Roy said kindly and handed him the bottle of water .The teen eagerly opened the bottle cork , He felt sting in his throat with every sip he was taking. He coughed silently and closed the cork . It was hurting for him to drink right now..
" Are you allright ? " the man asked in worry , " Yeah ... i just think i caught a cold " . Roy looked at him with the look of ' i know you are not okay, you can tell me if you need help ' on his face . Ed frowned " Really i'm fine " he lied , Nothing was allright ...
There was an awkward silence between the two , Roy released a sigh and glanced to Ed's direction " You can go to sleep fullmetal, I'll keep an eye on him " there was a pause it seemed like the man stoped to think about another thing that he'd like to say but he didn't say anything else .
Ed nodded and let his head rest on the back rest , The thought ran on his mind like people who were late to their work.. or train . It didn't matter what it was like. He had so much to ask .. He wanted to know why the colonel was so nice sudenly , but it could wait for another time.
Since the day he had gotten Al's body back mustang seemed to worry for him even more . A step by step he could say , He had noticed that when he's getting worse .. Mustang was worrying to him even more ..
He rubbed the tips of his fingers against his eyes , he was surrounded by people that loved and cared for him , Yet he felt that he was all alone . Nobody really could understand him ...
He slightly froze and he could vaguely hear Mustang's voice calling his name but he decided to ignore it. " Ed ? .. " the man whispered . Roy frowned from the lack of response , It wasn't like Ed al all... he decided to leave it . Ed probably just was tired , he hoped .Roy glanced one last time to Ed's face .. he could ask Ed if he needs anything tomorrow , for now he'll just let him sleep ..
Ed slowly opened his eyes and looked around , His vision was still blurry but he could see , More like he couldn't see Mustang .. Nor 'Al !' he felt a wave of coldness washing his body . He scanned the room with fear in his eyes , His breath was becoming erratic , His heart was starting to beat fast in his chest and a sweat trickled down his forehead .
'What happened to Al?! and where is Mustang ?' he gathered up speed as quickly as he could ran directly to the door and broke into the hallway. If something has happened ! he could never forgive himself ! .
He ran down the hallway , Tears trickling from his eyes down his cheeks ' He didn't lose Al ones again ,right ?'He thought miserbly as he's runing , He would go anywhere to find him . Sudenly his eyes met the nurse that was taking care of Al since he got here . He stopped for a moment to wipe the tears from his cheeks and eyes , He let his voice and breath steady for a moment before taking the step to the nurse's spot .
"good morning honey (1) did you sleep well ? " she asked kindly . Ed gazed down to his shoes " Yes I did ' he said in a shaky voice .
" Is everything okay ? " she asked in worry ... " Ha ... have you seen a .. Al ? " he stuttered and gazed out of the window to the big squwered garden outside .He clenched his teeth together and waited for her to say something .
She smiled at him " Yes i have " she said happily " He's down stairs at the garden with the colonel Mustang , a spark was lit in her eyes when she said 'the colonel . 'Of course' he thought bitterly .
"You're going to meet them , right ? " he nodded a bit more happily letting a little smile touch his lips , He was so glad that Al has finely woken up . He couldn't even express it by words , also couldn't work the expression.
"Yeah ..thank you very much " he mumbled and hurried down the stairs . The doctor said it might take a few more weeks .. But .. But he was awake !
When he opened the glass door to the yard he was seeking for the two. Up and down , Right and left . In his sight he couldn't see anyone ' Maybe the colonel took him for a walk ? ' he was so drown in thoughts and worries that he didn't feel the hand that was touching his shoulder . Didn't see the figure that stood infront of him, Nor the voice that called his name .
" Ed ! " Roy shouted , He grabbed the teen's shoulders and roughly shook him . The blond gazed hard into the black deep eyes . He stood there for a few moments snd didn't say anything . He just gazed into the man's eyes in wonder, Like they would give him the answer that he was looking for .
Roy frowned at him. He shook him slowly while whispering his name " Ed ... e .. are you okay ? .. what's the matter ? couldn't you see us , You were looking right at us but you ignored me calling you " he said in worry .
"Where is Al ? " the teen finely shouted out , He hadn't realized how loudly he was till one of the nurses came to their direction and asked him to be a little more quiet . He just couldn't control himself anymore . He sobbed and let his head drop down to gaze at the grass .
" I.. I'm sorry " he whispered " Can i see Al now ? " he glanced up to the colonel's face . the nodded and grabbed Ed's hand " this way " he said kindly . Ed looked at the floor , He would let the colonel lead him ' After all ' he smiled sadly..' I'm still a dog of the military '
"Here he is " the man said and smiled at Al . The sandy haired teen slightly blinked . He was eating an apple , He quickly swallowed the rest of the apple that was in his mouth and looked at Ed happily " Brother ! " he yelled in excitement .
"Al" he whispered stepping a bit closer to the boy . A few tears froze in his eyes . His body stoped , The little control that he had on his body was rapidly slipping away ' What if it was only a dream ? What if Al haven't woken up yet ? '
"Brother ?" the fifteen years old (2) whispered and walked slowly to the blond teen's spot " Brother ?" he searched for Ed's face but the hair was covering it up in a way that hid the teen's eyes .
Sudenly he felt two arms that were wrapping him tightly and bringing him closer to the teen " Al ! " Ed cried letting the tears drop down to the earth . A sob escaped from him as he's tightening his grip on the whimpering body" Al .. " he tried to fight more tears to come but he couldn't keep it inside anymore . He buried his head into the sandy haired teen's shoulder and waited for Al to say anything or do something .
He fought the urge to cry , but he surrendered , the emotion and urge were way too strong . A squeaky voice came out of his throat and he whispered " Al .. i'm so sorry " he bit his lip and wiped the tears with his coat sleeve " i'm so sorry " he cried out loudly ,he lossen his grip letting his head drop ones again to gaze the grass . Now he was standing there feeling a hard pain in his chest , and a dull sound of echoing in his head . It killed him slowly. He didn't even know why he felt that way all of a sudden.
" Brother ? " .. "Fullmetal ? " both the colonel and Al said at ones . He wanted to answer them but all he could do right now was to stand there . He swallowd a lump in his throat , right now more than ever he felt bad .He was biting his lip so tight a blood formed on the side of his mouth , it was dribbling down his chin to his neck . Al put his hand on Ed's real shoulder " Brother ?" he slightly smiled and wiped the blood from Ed's chin " I'm fine , you have nothing to sorry about "
" Al i think that Ed should take a short nap , I'll walk with him to your room , you can stay here for now i won't be gone for too long " Roy said and forced a smile on his face . " Okay " the boy nodded and went to sat back on the bench . He glanced over his shoulder " Are you sure you're okay brother ?" he firmed one last time
"Yes I'm fine Al .. just really tired " he smiled a fake smile , he wanted Al to be happy . The sandy haired boy blinked and sat down . He knew something wasn't allright with Ed .. but what could that be ?
" I'll be back in less than ten minutes Alphonse so just wait for me in here " the man said officialy and gave Ed a gentle push on his back . he sighed
" Lets go... "
" What happened to you latly ? " the man asked in curiousity " You're not eating , you are quite ..it's unlike you " he said and leaned on his knees infront of the blond . 'No response ...' he deeply breathed and gazed to Ed's eyes " Ed ? " he said slowly ..
The teen shut his eyes strongly and bit his lip ones again " stop that , you'll wound yourself that way " the man whispered seriously , he smiled a bit in pity ' What the hell could make him act that way ? ' he thought sadly .
Ed's eyes shut even tighter , Aasob escaped from him , ae forcefully said " i'm fine i'm just very tired that is it ! " Roy sighed , he stood up amd stepped to the door's direction, he stoped for a moment then said " Whatever you say ... you should just lie down and take a nap "
Ed waited for him to get out of the room , he buried his face in his hands and silently laughed at himself 'You're so stupid , why can't you just shout it out ? '...
Well if Ed didn't tell me it's obvios that he doesn't want me to help him ' Roy thought as he's walking down the hallway .. he frowned .
' And why do i care for him so much anyway... how many times did i ask him if he was allright ? ... really why ...? '
Damn this one was a torture... i hope to uopload the next chapter fast , yet i need to work on a new chapter to 'attention' and also ' the reflection of the next world'
I think that this chapter didn't go so well thought .. i really hope that i'm wrong , this is the best way i could express myself at this , hope to get better on the next chap .
side note : have you noticed that i'm using the word ' And ' alot in my fics ? i don't like to use this word so much , but i use it alot beacuse it's hard for me to find another way to connect the words with each other .
By the way .. i know i may made Roy too sensitive to Ed's problem .. but i'll change it later .
1) i decided that the nurse would call him honey beacuse Ed is still teenager .
2) i decided that Al's age would be 15 , Ed's age is still 16 .
