Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Pretty Little Liars characters, I'm just corrupting them horribly. Also, to be safe, I do not own Skittles.
A/N: This story contains mentions, and actions of self-harm, it may be triggering to some, and I reccomend that if you are triggered easily, to stop reading as soon as possible. (You can always send me a PM if any of you need help, with anything. :) ) Also this is an eventual Spanna romantic pairing, so if ya don't like girl pairings, back away now.
There were a few things about Spencer Hastings that everybody new; she came from awell off family, she was a shoe-in for Valedictorian, and no one beat her at anything.
Then there were the things that only her closest friends knew; she was very driven, and very protective of the ones she loved, she had to be in control, and it drove her crazy when someone ('A') took that away from her, she was smart and clever, she was someone you could trust to have your back, and she was perfect in everything she did.
And then, there were the things that only Spencer knew; she had to make her parents proud, she had to be the ideal child, she had to win, because a Hastings never lost, and she had to be perfect in everything she did. But most importantly, she knew it was all a lie.
Spencer ground her teeth together; the scraping sound echoed through her head and sent a shiver down her spine. Stop it Spencer, she chided herself, perfect teeth too, remember?
She closed her eyes and tried to focus. Come on, it's not that hard. It's just Latin; Melissa took it a grade before you.
She looked back down at the words below her, but try as she might they just didn't register. It's no use. The haze has come back. She thought bitterly, pushing back from her desk and standing up from her swivel chair.
"It has been a while…." She reasoned quietly, heading towards the bathroom that connected to her bedroom, a stony expression on her face.
With eerily steady hands she pulled back the drawer that held all the things no one ever cared about unless direly needed; bobby-pins, band aids, extra hair elastics and stray combs she'd never use. Her eyes roamed over the contents until she saw it, the little black locket on the long silver chain.
She licked her lips, and grasped it carefully; as if afraid it might break. It was cold to the touch, and Spencer suddenly found herself wondering why she'd ever stopped wearing it any way.
"Would you relax?" Alison laughed, slapping Spencer playfully on the arm. "It's just a quiz; he didn't even say it'd go on the report card." She reasoned with a smile as Spencer chewed on her lip, eyes downcast on the Science textbook balanced on her lap.
"But- But I have to be ready." Spencer whispered frantically. "I have to do perfectly."
Alison raised a blonde eyebrow. "Sounds like a lot of pressure." She said slowly.
Spencer didn't respond, she merely continued to reread the same paragraph for what must have been the sixth or seventh time. "It just doesn't make sense!" Spencer cried out exasperatedly after once again not being able to focus. "It's like my brain keeps freezing up!"
Alison squinted at Spencer in thought before a smirk tugged up the corner of her mouth. "I think I could help with that." She said simply, before continuing to flip through her magazine, pretending to read it. "There's a way to clear you head; sharpen your senses. Let it all out." She continued nonchalantly, as if she were talking about boys and fashion as opposed to a way for Spencer to study like she desperately wanted to.
"Well what is it?" Spencer asked incredulously. If Alison had a way to help her, why not just do it already? Oh right, because it's Alison.
Alison looked over at Spencer, fainting deep thought, before finally letting out a sigh and speaking. "I'm not sure Spencer Hastings is up for it." She said sadly, looking back at her magazine, successfully making Spencer sit up straighter with a determined expression. "I mean, can't you do anything without help?" She mocked with her characteristic smirk.
Spencer blinked. Shouldn't she be able to? That was true… But, as long as she did it, that's what mattered right? As long as she won, it wouldn't matter that she got help. "Ali, just tell me." She said in defeat.
With a devilish, toothy smile, Alison led Spencer away from the living room, and back up to her bedroom, shutting the door firmly once they were inside. "You've got to keep it a secret though, okay?" She said, even as she strode over to her nightstand and pulled back the bottom drawer.
"Alright." Spencer said, now definitely curious.
Alison retrieved a necklace from the drawer, a black locket with swirls inscribed all over it dangled from her hand as she beckoned Spencer closer, and placed it in her hand.
"What's this?" Spencer asked, turning it over in her palm, now noticing that the swirls were designed to look like flames.
"Your new best friend," Alison answered darkly. "Open it."
Spencer's brows crumpled together in the middle of her forehead; how was a necklace going to fix her problems? With great care she cracked it open in her hands, gasped with wide eyes when she saw what was inside.
"Ali! Why would this be any help?" She exclaimed, still eyeing it in confusion. It glinted in the lights of Alison's bedroom, and Spencer couldn't help but be fascinated by the sight of it.
"Didn't you want to do your best? Believe me, it does wonders." She said with a smile that slightly favoured the right. "When things get hard, it makes everything simple."
"But-" Spencer was at a loss for words, and that never happened. "Well, are you sure?" She asked uncertainly after a moment.
Alison just smiled at her, walking towards her bedroom door, she looked over her shoulder just as her hand grasped the door knob.
"Trust me Spence," Alison said soothingly. "And remember," She added with a sly grin, "Try to keep it where you can hide it. Wouldn't want someone noticing hmm?" She pulled the door open, and left the room, shutting the door closed behind her, and left Spencer alone to decide.
That had been 3 years ago, and now Alison was gone, Spencer was in high school, and she still couldn't think of a better way to deal with things.
She let out a shaky breath as she pulled the silver piece across her thigh one more time, letting out a sigh as she closed her eyes and let the sensation course through her.
It felt like, release. Like everything was leaving her, and she didn't care in the slightest. A lazy smile curved her lips and she breathed deeply as the tingles came; they started out at the tip of her spine, the back of her neck, and then spread out, branching through every vein as they raced down to concentrate on that one, stinging spot.
"God," She rasped, fingers shaking as she tucked the little piece of metal back into the locket, closing it, and then slipping it around her head to rest around her neck. It had been so long…
Then she blinked, and reality came back. I need to finish that Latin essay… And study for that History final. And didn't Hanna ask if I could help her with her Chem homework? She stood up from where she'd sat on the edge of her tub, quickly cleaning herself off, being sure to bandage her thigh like she always did; lightly, so as to not bring any attention to it.
"Right," She sighed. "Back to work." And to her delight, the Latin came easily, and the History she knew so well she could practically feel the silk gowns and tight corsets of the people they were studying.
"Like always." She said with a soft smile as she lay down in her bed for the night, having just made plans to help Hanna tomorrow after school. "It does wonders." She whispered softly into her pillow, silently thanking Alison.
Spencer shifted in her seat, trying to ignore the stinging feeling that shot through her thigh as she did so. It had been months since she'd last relieved herself this way, and she must've misjudged her strength, or the sharpness of the blade; either way, it had ended up being deeper than she'd intended, and now she was left nervously wriggling in her seat in Chem, wondering how to deal with the fact that she could feel fresh sticky warmth under the bandage on her right leg.
She glanced over at Hanna, who was concentrating on her notebook, writing down what the teacher was lecturing on about. Spencer sighed; she couldn't cancel on Hanna, not only would that be suspicious, but her friend really needed the help, and would no doubt freeze her out for the entirety of lunch, and the last two periods of the day if she did. That meant that if Spencer was going to check on her injuries, and re-bandage them if necessary, she'd have to do so quickly in the bathroom once the lunch bell rang, with just what she had in her bag, and whatever she could find in the bathroom, which would no doubt not be much.
Oh screw it. Spencer thought, carelessly. I'll just try not move too much and hope for the best.
The bell rang loudly, cutting off Mr. Handler as he finished up his speech on Covalent Bonds. "And remember to finish up last classes homework with the added pages!" He called out as the class filed out rather quickly.
Hanna appeared beside Spencer as she carefully stood up, hiding a wince as the muscles in her leg sent a fresh rush of stinging. "Ready for lunch?" Hanna asked, oblivious to Spencer's discomfort. "Aria's probably going to be late; Mr. Fitz and her were totally eye-screwing this morning, and I bet she went to see him after her Math class!" She said with a mischievous smirk, linking her arm with Spencer's as they walked to the Cafeteria together. "Imma totally tease her when she shows up flushed and panting!" She said a little too loudly, winking at a student who was obviously listening in. "Not talkin' 'bout you Hot stuff." She quipped.
Spencer rolled her eyes. "Do you have to be so, center-stage?" Spencer finally said, struggling to find the proper words to describe Hanna.
Hanna just gave her a pearly white grin as she pushed through the doors to the Cafeteria. "Best place to be, babe!"
They sat down at the same table they always sat at, Emily having already arrived waved at them as they approached. "Where's Aria?" She asked, raising an eyebrow when Spencer took a deep breath and rolled her eyes.
"Here we go…" Spencer said under her breath, just as Hanna's grin grew tenfold.
"Shacking up with Mr. Fitz in an empty English classroom." She said simply, pulling out a pack of Skittles from her bag to snack on in place of a lunch. "Bet she's all hot and sweaty, moaning out his name." Hanna continued, her voice dropping to a husky whisper by the end before popping a green Skittle into her mouth.
"Who's moaning what?" Aria's voice asked from behind the blond, sending Hanna into a coughing fit resulting in her swallowing her Skittle whole. Emily, who'd initially blushed at the tone of voice Hanna had used, was now covering her mouth with her hand, trying to supress giggles at Hanna's surprised expression.
"Uh, nothing!" Hanna sputtered, face now heavily blushing.
Aria raised an eyebrow, not convinced in the slightest, but shrugged it off and moved to sit beside Emily. "Whatever, anyway," Aria continued, turning in so she was facing all of them together. "Have any of you guys gotten messages from A?" Her voice had dropped considerably, but Emily still winced at the mention of their anonymous tormentor.
Hanna shook her head, and Emily said she hadn't, but when Spencer squeaked out a "N-No!" Hanna looked at her, brows scrunched together in confusion.
To save herself from questioning, Spencer turned to Aria, "Have you?"
"No." Aria said a little too quickly, looking down at her hands, picking at the black nail polish that painted her fingers.
Spencer wasn't completely convinced, but let it slide as she didn't want any of them asking her again either.
Spencer awoke to the sound of buzzing, blinking the sleep away from her eyes she squinted at the clock on her bedside table, 4:50AM. Who could be texting her at this hour?
With slightly fuzzy vision, Spencer grabbed at her vibrating phone, clicked the proper buttons to open the message, more from muscle memory than from her actually being able to see what she was doing. The bright light of the screen was blinding already, and the fuzziness from having just awoken didn't help much either.
Failing to read the message, Spencer closed her eyes for a moment, and willed them to adjust to the light before looking back at the screen, what she saw made her wish she'd just gone back to sleep.
Old habits die hard, huh Spence? Remember to keep it hidden, wouldn't want your girls to notice hmm. –A
"You're still coming over right? Right?" Hanna's voice broke through her memory of this morning, and she blinked to find a purple Skittle being thrown at her.
"Huh?" She mumbled, picking up the Skittle from where it had landed on the table in front of her before popping it in her mouth much like Hanna had done earlier. "Right, yeah. I'll meet you at your car after last period." She confirmed.
Hanna smiled, glad their plans were still on. "I'll make sure to ask for extra peperoni on our pizza!" She said with a nod.
Only Hanna would think 'Helping with homework.' meant 'hanging out and eating pizza'.
"You've got to be kidding!" Hanna exclaimed loudly. "There's no way this makes any sense." She shook her head in denial, throwing her pencil down on the desk, and watched it roll across the pages of her textbook to rest wedged in the middle.
Spencer held back a smile as she once again went over it with Hanna. "It's not supposed to be easy Han." She chided her, picking up the blonde's notebook and skimming over the page. After a moment she looked over at her friend with a raised eyebrow. "Are you serious?" She deadpanned.
Tilting the page to show it to the blonde, Spencer shook it at her as if to say 'What is this?' "You wrote down the lyrics for 'Lucky'?"
Hanna shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah? What, I'm supposed to pay attention in class?" She said with a snarky voice.
Spencer rolled her eyes and sighed. "Hanna, you've got to at least try. You know you're smarter than you let everyone think."
Hanna straightened up in her chair, "I have no idea what you're talking about." She said unconvincingly.
With a wry smile Spencer set the notebook down and leaned over the open textbook, flipping it to a different page, and reading through the questions to find one to start Hanna on.
"Here, try this one." Spencer said, still eyeing the question, "It's one of the basic one-"
"What's that?" Hanna interrupted her, eyes trained down at Spencer's lap.
"Huh?" Spencer asked in confusion, following Hanna gaze, eyes widening slightly at the sight. Apparently the bandages she'd placed were a little too light; dark red-brown was seeping through her jeans, leaving three lines of colour on the blue fabric. "Oh that?" Spencer shrugged, looking back at the textbook. "I left a marker uncapped on my desk yesterday and it fell into my lap." She explained easily, silently praying Hanna would buy it. I guess that whole 'hope for the best' plan didn't work out too well….
Hanna's mouth turned up at one corner in thought; it wasn't like Spencer to just leave something like a marker uncapped on her desk, but then why would Spencer lie about it?
"Okay…" She said uncertainly, leaning forward slightly to look over the question Spencer was pointing at.
"Ugh." She groaned. "I hate Science."
"It's Chemistry, Han." Spencer reminded her with a laugh, writing down an example for Hanna to see.
"Same thing." Hanna dismissed with a wave, her eyes discreetly glancing back down to Spencer's lap. Were the lines, bigger?
After another twenty minutes of Spencer explaining, and Hanna making witty remark after sarcastic comment, Hanna chewed on the inside of her bottom lip. There was definitely something more going on with Spencer's pants. I swore there were only three little lines before. Hanna thought confused. What was Spencer hiding?
"Hey, Spence?" She said softly, eyes trained on her own lap as she rubbed the inside of her palm with her thumb.
Spencer looked up from her notebook, having briefly given up on Hanna so she could finish her own Chem homework. "Yeah?" She questioned; concern clear on her face. Hanna was never so, gentle about things. She was always one to just blurt it out and get it over with.
"Well, I know we all have secrets," She started quietly, fidgeting in her lap. "Like A, that's something the four of us keep a secret, but, we also keep secrets from each other." She said the last part slowly, delicately. "And that's fine, we all do it, and sometimes it's for the better. But, well, Spence, you know that you can tell me anything right?" She continued nervously.
Spencer's brow creased, what was this about? Did Hanna have a secret she wanted to share? "Yeah, same goes to you Han. I'll always be here for you." She comforted, assuming Hanna wanted to confide in her.
Hanna licked her lips, and stilled her hands. "I know. I just, Spence, is, is there something going on with you? I know we all have our secrets, but, you don't have to bare them alone."
Spencer just blinked at her in shock. Hanna thought something was going on? Was she really that bad a liar? Spencer smiled at her, "Hanna, you're hilarious you know?" She laughed. "Yes, we all have secrets, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any, but it's not like I'm keeping something life-changing from you guys." She said it so obviously even she started to believe it. What necklace?
Hanna laughed nervously. "Right. What was I thinking? Of course it's not life-changing, you're Spencer!" She reasoned, only a flash of doubt still in her mind. It did seem odd, but who was she to think Spencer of all people would lie to her about something serious? The girl was Mrs. Harvard; everything was serious. And besides, they all knew Spencer couldn't lie to save her life.
Spencer sighed with relief internally, and turned back to the textbook. "Try this one again." She said sternly. "And no pizza till you get it."
Hanna glared at her in mock-anger. "How dare you?! Pizza time is so much more important!" She cried out, the look of seriousness on her face actually making Spencer convinced that she thought so.
With an eye roll Spencer thrust the notebook at her and a pencil. "Get to work Barbie."
Heya! So, this is something I've kind of been wanting to do for a while, It'll be an eventual Spanna romantic pairing, and I apologise to anyone who does find this triggering, but I did put a warning. Any way, if you do find this triggering, send me a PM, or give me a review saying so, and I can either dial it down, or place more direct warnings on the more triggering parts.
Hope you guys like it! Reviews are just wonderful to see, whether they're nice or not it's a joy to get them. (And they might make me work harder, ya' know...)
