Author's Note:
I felt that there wern't enough funny Naruto-Twilight crossovers, so I wrote one! This FanFiction will be slightly A.U. The Elemental Nations will be a very very secluded part of Japan, and Stephanie Meyer is a close friend of Bella's who writes down her story. Also, the Twilight novels are NOT well known in this Universe. The Twilight Universe and the Naruto Universe are in the same world.
And to Twilight fans, this is meant to be entirely humorous, please don't be insulted :)
Disclaimer: Uhh...I don't own Naruto. Or Twilight. Do you really think I could write something about sparkly vampires? Didn't think so.
Itachi looked down at the book in his hands. And blinked. 'Maybe I overdid it with the Tsukiyomi. Perhaps it drove Sasuke insane…'
Several minutes earlier…
"Itachi, you've got mail!" Kisame called out.
Itachi lifted his head from the scroll he was reading from. "Who is it from?" he asked with a slight bit of curiosity. S-rank missing-nin didn't usually get mail, after all.
"Uh…Sasuke Uchiha. Your little brother, right?"
Itachi's eyes widened a bit (which was the Uchiha equivalent of extreme shock), then went over and gingerly took the package from Kisame after inspecting it with his sharingan. The last "gift" Sasuke had sent him included several explosive notes and was drenched in lethal poison. However, this time, the parcel only seemed to contain a simple book. He unwrapped the package and took out a paperback novel titled "Twilight". Inside the front was a letter from Sasuke. It read:
Dear Itachi,
I still hate you with all my heart. You shall die at my hands in the most painful way possible. First, I shall spear your heart with a rusty kunai, then, I…
Itachi skipped the next 16 lines or so, which were all about him dying in increasingly painful and sadistic ways, and continued reading.
I have recently become a fan of Twilight. I sent you a copy, as I did with everyone I know, it needs to be appreciated more. I have left Konoha and joined Orochimaru because he has a limited edition copy, and I will continue to stay with him, since he is first on the shipping list for the third book!.TWILIGHT *insert a cutesy drawn heart here*
I will kill you, Sasuke
Itachi slightly furrowed his brow (Uchiha Translation: WTF?!). Sasuke did not usually express emotion (Itachi had been keeping tabs on him), and for him to draw a…heart? at the end of the letter was strange of him. Itachi then picked up the book Sasuke had sent him, and flipped through it with his sharingan on.
2.5 seconds later, Itachi regretted what he did. The contents of the novel were now seared into his mind permanently, thanks to the sharingan. He didn't think he would be able to ever look at books the same way again. Itachi then banished the thoughts of the depraved novel to the very back of his mind. No, he was more worried about Sasuke's health. Which led him to his current strand of thought: Had his Tsukiyomi made Sasuke insane?
Well, whatever it was, Sasuke was clearly out of his mind. And it was because of…no, don't think about it. But if Twi—The Book was the cause of Sasuke's behavior, then he must stop the second sequel from ever happening.
Ever.
Painfully recalling the details of The Book, he noted that the Bella character lived in a town called Forks, somewhere in Washington.
Maybe sometime later, when I'm not as busy, I'll pay this "Bella" a little visit.
At first, when Sakura received the package from Sasuke, she had been overjoyed. She had stood in front of her door, holding the package as if it contained the answer to life. And she stood there, a million bouncing questions running through her mind, she let herself hope. Was he coming back? Was he not completely corrupted yet? Had he decided to leave Orochimaru?
So then, after thirty minutes of indecision, hoping against all odds that Sasuke was coming back, and that their team could go back to the way it was, Sakura decided to open the small parcel. All that was inside was a book, and a letter from Sasuke. She opened the letter first, and read it. Then reread it. Then reread it again. But there didn't seem to be any hidden meaning to Sasuke's words. So she just gave up on the letter, and read the book, like Sasuke had instructed. But after she read the contents, again and again, just like the letter, she just felt frustrated. Was this Sasuke's idea of a joke? If so, it wasn't funny at all. But then again, Sasuke never made jokes. So what he wrote had to be true. 'How could Sasuke have abandoned everything for this book?'
It was an understatement to say that Sakura was pissed off. She was furious. Was Sasuke stupid or something? Apparently. It was then that Sakura stopped believing in the ideal version of Sasuke she had made in her head. What she DID believe, though, was that Sasuke was a real dickhead. She had given him everything she had to offer, and what did he give her in return? He had crushed her dreams, broken her team, and betrayed Konoha. The only obligation she had to this Sasuke, was to get him back to Konoha, so that Team Seven could be whole again. And also so she could beat him to a pulp, heal him, reprimand him for his stupidity, then repeat the process over and over again.
But the problem was how? How could she get Sasuke back to Konoha, when so many others have failed? Then Sakura remembered. 'Of course! All I have to do is to make sure a sequel won't be written! Then Sasuke will have no reason to stay with Orochimaru! A brilliant plan started to take shape in Sakura's mind. 'Bella.' She thought. 'She's the main character of the story. To stop the story, I need to either eliminate the main character, or destroy the plotline so much, a story can't possibly be written from it. I think killing Bella is out of the option for now, so I'll just have to wreck the storyline.' The more she thought about it, the more her plan started to make sense. The best part was, it didn't even require any real focus. She could literally take a vacation while still following her plan. Eager to share her breakthrough with Naruto, she quickly shunshined to Training Ground 7.
"NARUTO! Pack your bags! We're going to be leaving on a trip soon!"
"Huh? Why, Sakura-chan?"
Sakura then explained her idea to Naruto.
"Great, Sakura-chan! Let's invite everyone and make it a vacation!"
Sakura looked at Naruto. "Naruto, you know...that's not a bad idea!"
GAHHH! I hadn't expected for Sakura's thoughts to be so angsty! This story was supposed to be pooping out rainbows, barfing out sugar, and be one happy story about Bella being disliked! But now, I just had to ruin it by doing some character development! Ah, well. Let's see where this goes, then.
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