Everyday Sachiko acts as though nothing even happened.
That Valentine's Day, even though she had offered chocolate to the boy she liked for so long, he refused and she passed it off as a joke. I had gotten what I called 'revenge' on the boy, but I still didn't feel a bit better. If only that chocolate was for me.
Today, at school, maybe I'll confess. I smile, because I say that everyday half-heartedly. I won't confess to Sachiko; she would be disgusted for sure.
When I got to school, Sachiko looked me over from head to toe, and stared in my eyes. I tried to hide the intense blush I was beginning to get.
"Kana, you look so feverish! Your eyes are glassy, too. Did you get enough sleep?" She asked, in that delicate, soft velvety voice of hers. I was surprised, though, because she was always so dense.
"Ah, no, I slept fine. It's just the weather." I said, laughing it off. As if I ever got any sleep these days.
Smiling, we chatted on the way to class about stupid things that didn't even matter anymore to me. I was just too tired for this today. But I did pay attention, because I didn't want Sachiko to think I was being cold towards her. That would be terrible.
During class, I stared out the window while pretending to take notes. I thought about how clouds are so indecisive; one minute, the sun will be covered and the next it's shining as brightly as ever. Clouds should always cover the sun, it's too bright and it's annoying.
The teacher called on me twice. The first time it was just for not paying attention. The second, he actually made me do a problem up on the board. I thought about whether or not I should flunk it.
I decided to get it right, and then flash a smile at Sachiko. She responded with a lovely-as-ever smile that took my breath away. I didn't let anyone know that, of course.
The classroom emptied out when the lunch bell rang. The desks looked lonely like that, empty without people drawing on them or sticking their gum on the underside. Sachiko walked up to me with her usual grin on her face. I lifted my hand just a little, and then dropped it. I had wanted to embrace her.
That's not something a friend would do.
I understood this well. I had never made any slip ups. Even when I wanted to kiss Sachiko's beautiful blonde hair, or caress her childishly cute face in my hands, touch my lips to her forehead, anything, I knew the rules, and I obeyed them despite my desires.
Sometimes, though not often, Sachiko would drift a little nearer to me than usual and I would close my eyes to let the scent of her perfume drift into my range. I only did that for a split second, so she wouldn't notice. Afterwards, I would feel guilty for feeling this way about my best friend.
Love is irrational though, and I never really chose who I fell in love with, it just happened to be this girl right next to me. This girl with light pink cheeks, long natural eyelashes and beautiful dark brown eyes, just so happened to be the one I fell in love with. Even if it didn't make sense, to me, it seemed so natural, and every time I saw her, an electric current ran through my veins and I almost fall to the ground crying when I realize that she doesn't love me.
All this is how you make me feel, Sachiko. Once again, I wanted to cry, and I almost did when I saw Sachiko looking toward the baseball field with a flushed face and a sad expression.
I looked at the boy who broke her heart. He was playing so passionately, giving his all into this stupid sport, looking so dumb.
I frowned, because I must be dumb, too. I am in love with a girl who is in love with a boy, a boy who won't accept her even though she is so beautiful and kind. Seeing how much she liked him, I wonder if it's the same amount as my love for her.
In that instant, the boy turned to look at us. At first I thought he was looking at Sachiko, but when I noticed that she wasn't looking toward him anymore, I met his eyes.
The strangest thing occurred then: he blushed and looked away. The baseball field, though it was far away, was clearly in my sight and I could still see his red face. I almost fell to the ground and ripped out the grass, I almost did.
But Sachiko grabbed my arm and I embraced her.
"It's okay," I said, crying one more for her sake. That's what I'd like to tell myself at least.
She smiled at me. "I know, Kana, don't worry. Even you think I was serious?" She laughed feebly. Why did she go to such lengths to deny it?
Remembering the first time I had desires for my lovely friend, I cried more. I had denied it, too, to save our friendship. But I was on terms with it now, and I knew how much I loved her.
That is why, after school, I couldn't accept the way things were turning out. I told Sachiko to go home ahead of me, and she nodded to me. I thought she really would go home, since she doesn't love me like I do, she wouldn't wait for me at the school entrance.
At that moment though, when the boy Sachiko fell in love with called me out behind the school, and started speaking, it wasn't on my mind. At that moment, all I could think of was how much I wanted to make this boy suffer. Suffer like I had.
"That time you threw my ball, I hadn't known who you were."
Why would that grab your attention? I love Sachiko.
"I started watching you when you were with the blonde."
The blonde? Sachiko doesn't deserve to be called in such a manner!
"I thought you were really cute…"
Sachiko is so much cuter than I am. I love her.
"Go out with me!"
I was about to scream, but Sachiko beat me to it with a small gasp. Even though I realized exactly what was happening, I couldn't help but think how even when in pain, Sachiko sounded like an angel. Her face would still look lovely even drizzled in tears.
The boy realized too, what was happening. He said, "Think about it!" and ran off to leave me with the aftermath of his destructive words.
I looked at Sachiko with pain-filled eyes. Hers were even more pain-filled, though, I'm sure.
"How could you?" Sachiko blamed me with all her might. I stared at her calmly.
"You were my best friend!" Were, huh?
"I thought I could trust you." She started to run away. I frowned and ran after her with everything I had. My lungs burned.
"Sachiko!" I gasped out.
"Don't bother apologizing!"
"I love you, Sachiko."
She froze. This time, I really did fall to the ground.
"Ever since the day I met you, I loved you so much, my heart hurts so much right now. The love you have for that boy, I am almost certain my love for you is greater. Oh, Sachiko, I'm sorry!" I sobbed.
I gasped out and cried for minutes on end and she just stood there while I grasped at her uniform. Oh, Sachiko, I'm so sorry, but I love you too much!
She fell to the ground too. She also started crying. At first I was confused, but when she hugged me I thought, did it matter?
We cried for a long time after that.
Sachiko looked at me finally, when she stopped crying, and sniffling her way through the words, she cried out, "I thought you would really accept his offer!"
I was confused again.
"I told you I love you…I don't like him." I said, wishing she would understand that.
"But you were going to leave me, I thought."
I reeled back at her words. Rather than being mad for him liking me, she was afraid I'd leave her. I couldn't believe it.
"I've been over him for awhile now, you know. I was just a little sad today, but I don't like him anymore." She informed me, still sniffling.
"S-Sachiko," I gasped her name out.
"Mmmm?" She said a little drowsily.
"D-do you…like…me?" I asked, just a bit too flustered.
"Yeah, Kana, I do…" She murmured, obviously embarrassed. I almost fainted.
"You cried for me, ate that chocolate in one gulp, always there for me. I realized that you were so nice to me, even though I was pretty pathetic when he refused my chocolate…I even laughed it off like a joke." I embraced her tighter.
"Kana…"
