Stupidity Moon

Stupidity Moon

"Bad French Accent Day"

Serena: I'm studying. I hate studying. I'm stupid. Lets goof off!

Darien + Amy: Studying is fun. Learn more. Then you won't be an idiot.

Serena: Wow, anything Darien says to me makes me drift off into a romantic haze. Even studying with Darien is romantic. La la la la la…

Amy: Wow, books. Lots of college level books in a high school student's room. Using my mystical fortune telling skills I know that you are confused.

Darien: Wow, you're right! I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. My only goal is to bang sailor moo- er, study French! Yes, lets study French

Serena: Darien's so romantic! Wait, study French? Did he just say to study French? French is my worst subject!

Lita: That's funny, you've never said anything like that in the three or so years we've known you.

Serena: So? It's a special plot point about my character that was only made up for this one episode.

Rei: Hmmm, do you think maybe this episode will have to do with speaking French in some way?

All others: Nah, couldn't be…

Rei: **sigh**

Doorbell rings

Serena: Wow, a chance to stop studying French before I even start! Even though it isn't my house, I'll get the door anyway!

Serena jumps up and opens door

Serena: Even though you're dressed in a suit and have a cane, I think you're a newspaper salesman.

Rich man (with a bad French accent): I'm not though! I'm here to invite Darien to a ball filled with other handsome smart boys.

Mina: Wow, lots of handsome smart boys? Can I come? PLEEEEAAAAASE?

Rich man: Well, the party is really for people a little older than you…

Mina: PLEEEEAAAAASE?

Rich man: You really shouldn't…

Mina: PLEEEEAAAAASE?

Rich man: How many times do I have to…

Mina: PLEEEEAAAAASE?

Rich man: No!

Mina: PLEEEEAAAAASE?

Rich man: No!

Mina: PLEEEEAAAAASE?

Rich man: No!

Mina: PLEEEEAAAAASE?

Rich man: No!

Mina: PLEEEEAAAAASE?

Rich man: Oh for the love of god, fine! Come to the damn party! See if I care!

Storms out in a huff

Mina: Now I can finally find some cute boy to be my boyfriend!

Darien: You should probably know that they all will be speaking French. Or at least English with a bad French accent.

Rei: I told you guys…

* * * * * * * * * *

Dr. Mad Scientist: HAHAHAHA! I love music! I'm soooooooo smart! HAHAHAHA! Hey, bitch with the computer! Get me a damn target!

Lady at Computer: Here is a person who has hope for the future! And even if he's a mistake, we'll be ridding the world of a bad French accent, so it's worth it no matter what!

Dr. Mad Scientist: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Listen to my waltz! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm a composer too! I'm sooooooooo talented!

Lady at Computer: Why the hell do I work for this guy?

Car picks up Heartsnatcher and drives out from under a lake.

Lady at Computer (but who's now in a car): Remember kids, always buckle up!

* * * * * * * * * *

Mina: I still can't believe you guys made me leave my lasso AND my fishnet at home. How am I supposed to catch a boy?

Rei: Would intelligent conversation be an option?

Mina: And what would YOU know about intelligence? Oh no wait, Serena's the stupid one. Lets see, do you have any personality trait I can insult?

Rei: Actually, no. Serena and Amy are the only ones with personalities. Me, you, and Lita are all personality-less drones made to fill out the ranks.

Lita: Hey, that's so wrong! I have a great personality! Like I… uh…I'm tall and… um… Well, actually it's sorta right I guess.

Rei: See, that's why the writer had to invent personalities for us. I'm the sarcastic one who makes fun of the show, and Mina's obsessed with trying to "catch" a boyfriend.

Lita: What about me?

Rei: Oh, you're still a personality-less drone.

Lita: Hey!

Mina: Wow, look! Two handsome French boys and that old rich dude! And they're headed this way! **drool**

Serena: Holy shit! I wasn't listening at all when we were studying French! I'd better run away and cram! And as long as I'm over here, I'll get drunk too.

Amy: Serena, you don't get drunk! You get sick! This is the American version! The drunk thing gets censored out!

Serena: But it's not like anyone is fooled or anything. They know exactly what's going on, so what's the point?

Rei: That would be my question.

Amy: Look, whatever. Just do something. And lets try to get back to the script please?

Rei: I think we'd better get back to Mina before she finishes stuffing those two guys into her purse.

Lita: How could she!

Rei: You're right. I didn't know there was that much space in one of those tiny things.

Lita: We have to help them!

Rei: Oh, I dunno. Their accent WAS pretty annoying.

Lita: Exactly! Do we really want Mina dragging them everywhere with us?

Rei: Hey, not bad. Although, joke or not, you do have a valid point.

Rei, Lita, and Amy all stop Mina and free the two boys, who immediately run far away to talk to Darien. Mina pouts, but nobody minds.

Boy with bad French accent 1: Darien, how do you survive around these crazy women?

Boy with bad French accent 2: We would not last 5 minutes! In fact, we didn't.

Darien: It's difficult, but somehow I manage.

Boy with bad French accent 1: But why?

Darien: Well, mostly I just want to bang sailor moo- er, I mean, I, uh…

Serena waltzes in, very drunk. Uh, I mean sick. Whatever.

Serena: Wheee! Cooking! Simmer! Bake! Throw up! I'm an idiot!

Rei: Couldn't agree more.

Serena: Shut up! You aren't even in this scene.

Rei: So? We cut out the whole dancing part, and I'm sure the writer had a couple great lesbian jokes ready for you and Amara.

Serena: We didn't cut out the dancing part. That's coming up in a few minutes.

Rei: But I thought that you got sick, went outside with all of us, and then came back and there was the gas and the fight.

Serena: I know! Lets ask the writer!

Rei: For you, that's a surprisingly good idea.

Serena: Yoo-hoo! Writer-guy!

YES?

Rei: When does the dancing scene happen?

DAMNED IF I KNOW.

Serena + Rei: Huh?

WHY DO YOU THINK I'M MAKING YOU TWO ARGUE ABOUT IT?

Serena: But I thought you just watched the show a few minutes ago?

YEAH, AND IT'S ALREADY STARTING TO BLEND TOGETHER IN MY MIND. SINCE I'VE MADE REI THE MOST LIKABLE CHARACTER, I'LL LET SERENA HAVE HER WAY ON THIS.

Rei: Ah well, I still got the better deal.

WELL, GET ON WITH IT. START DANCING. OH, AND REI?

Rei: Yes?

PLEASE, NO LESBIAN JOKES. LETS TRY TO GIVE THIS THING JUST A LITTLE CLASS, ALRIGHT?

Rei: Oh, fine.

All six characters are now gathered together.

Lita: Hey look, it's Amara and Michelle.

Amara: You spelled my name wrong.

TOUGH. LIVE WITH IT.

Amara: Geeze, fine. Just trying to be helpful.

Michelle: We're not supposed to be helpful, dimwit! We're jerks, remember?

Amara: No, that's only when we're sailors. Now we're mild-mannered musicians.

Rei: Hey, did she just say that they're sailors? Could THEY be Neptune and Uranus?

All others: No way.

Rei: **sigh**

Amara: Look, lets just get this thing over with. Serena, get your butt over here and dance. Meanwhile, Michelle shall seduce your boyfriend.

Serena: Sounds good.

They dance. Then Serena and co. go outside, leaving Darien to grab some food. And see? Not only no lesbian jokes, but no Uranus joke either! Damn I'm classy

Darien: For some reason, a waiter with a full tray is going back into the kitchen. Oh no wait! Foul gas is coming into the room! While it knocks everyone else out in one breath, putting a napkin over my mouth renders me immune to the effect! I'll just go backstage and watch.

Lady at Computer (now away from computer and with a gun): Hey, old rich man! Don't move while I shoot you!

Rich Man: Ok. AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

Neptune: Get ready to die!

NEPTUNE THINGAMAGIG!

Lady at Computer (now away from computer and with a gun): Hey, you shot the crystal out of my hand!

Uranus: And I picked it up. Wow, another mistake. What a surprise.

Neptune: Ya know, you guys really suck. You've had like 30 tries and you can't even get one damn crystal.

Uranus: Piece of junk. **tosses crystal negligently away**

The crystal land on Rich Man and melds back into him.

Moon (who has just entered from the balcony with friends, all morphed): Wow, you gave the crystal back to its owner! I guess you weren't such a jerk after all.

Uranus: I did? Hey, I did! Wow, that was unintentional. I gotta work on my negligently tossing.

Lady at Computer (now away from computer and with a gun): I'm leaving before you get a chance to do that stupid speech Sailor Moon! Go, Heartsnatcher!

Lady disappears, and the car trunk opens and smoke billows forth menacingly.

Mars: I wonder what fetish this one will have?

Moon: A gown. Definitely.

Mars: No way. Probably a painter. You know, with those French hat thingies and a bad accent?

Jupiter: Lord knows we've had plenty of those around lately.

Mars: Wow, another joke? Gee, are we getting a personality around here?

Mercury: I think it'll be a disco ball. Because we're at a dance party.

Venus: No way! I think it'll be a dreamy guy.

All others: …

Uranus: I can't believe I gave that guys heart crystal back!

The smoke clears, and there stands a lady in a dressing gown.

Mercury (stunned): Serena was right.

Mars: Is that a plague of locusts I see?

Uranus: I'm…

Moon: I FINALLY GOT ONE! HAHAHA! I'M NOT AN IDIOT!

Heartsnatcher: Actually, this is just a disguise. My real form is a record player.

Uranus: So…

Rei: My faith in the universe is restored.

Moon: That was my next guess!

Heartsnatcher: Now, it's time for you to die!

Uranus: MAD!

URANUS I-DON'T-KNOW-WHAT-THE-HELL-I'M-SAYING!

Heartsnatcher blows up

Neptune: You gave the guy back his heart AND you helped out those stupid sailors? Damn, you're having a really bad day.

Uranus: I know. Lets get out of here.

They disappear. The Heartsnatcher reappears out of the smoke, in her true form.

Mars: Gee, a multi-form enemy? What are we, Square?

Heartsnatcher: I will shoot out a bunch of easily dodged notes! Gwahahaha!

Mercury: Somehow, we managed to dodge all of those attacks.

Mars: Yeah, somehow. Gee, talk about bad writing.

NORMALLY I'D ARGUE JUST OUT OF PRINCIPLE, BUT YOU'RE RIGHT. JUST HURRY UP AND KILL THE DAMN THING.

Heartsnatcher: Wait! Let me use my ultimate attack!

FINE. JUST GET ON WITH IT.

Heartsnatcher: Alright. I'll even skip the bad music puns.

All Sailors: Nooooooo! I can't breathe! Or move! Or something! We're doomed!

A rose flys by and breaks the record the heartsnatcher is using.

All Sailors: Thank you Tuxedo Mask!

Tux Mask: Music is good! You are bad! Go Sailor Moon!

Moon: Whatever you say, master!

MOOOOOON SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - SPINNY - HEART - ATTACK!

Heartsnatcher dies.

Venus: Umm, are we done yet?

SURE. WHATEVER. THE END. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK. ROLL CREDITS.

I SAID WE'RE DONE, OK?

GO HOME DAMNIT!

ISN'T THIS GETTING A LITTLE OLD?

JUST GO. GO!

THERE WON'T BE ANY MORE TEXT.

REALLY, I SWEAR.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE!