[Open on a scene showing Dipper and Mabel running from a Gremloblin.]
Mabel: And that's how you outsmart a Gremloblin! [runs faster] Dipper, no! Not the eyes! Not the eyes!
[Mabel's Guide to Life Theme]
Mabel: And now it's time for…Mabel's Guide to Being Class President! First of all, being class president is a huge honor! But, it takes lots of work to get there! The first thing you need are candidates! [the camera pans to show Candy, Grenda, Pacifica and Dipper all standing in a line] These are the people representing you! [stage whisper to the camera] Choose wisely or you could be subjected to the Cafeteria's leftover liverwust from last year. Now—
Dipper: Uh Mabel, why are we doing this now? It's the middle of summer; school doesn't start until fall.
Mabel [turns the camera so its aimed at her face]: Obviously, my brother has no idea how this works. [camera cuts to a close up of Dipper] We're starting now because as everyone knows, you have to start campaigning early! Preferably a year or two before the school year, but a few months before works too. The earlier you start, the more votes you can get!
Dipper: And the more school clubs and committees can bribe you!
Mabel: [lowers camera] Don't do that.
Dipper: Sorry.
[camera cuts to next scene]
Mabel: Next up: platform! What do you stand for? Which issues will you address? What do you hope to change? We'll ask our candidates and see how they do! [turns the camera on Candy] Candy, what do you stand for?
Candy: I stand for good grades and ways to improve human beings. If you vote for me, I will give everyone salad fingers.
Mabel: Very nice. Grenda?
Grenda: A cute boy in every classroom! [sidles up to Dipper] How ya doin hot stuff?
Dipper: Ew. Get away from me.
Mabel: O…kaay…not what I was expecting, but I'll go with it. Pacifica, what do you hope to change?
Pacifica [looking bored]: Like school. If you elect me, you'll never have to go to school again. Like ever.
Mabel [nervous laugh]: Okay, good. We're not doing campaign promises yet, but…on to Dipper! [she pans the camera to him]
Dipper: Well, there are a lot of issues I could stand for. Like less homework, longer vacations and—
Mabel: Oh I'm sorry, out of time!
Dipper: What?
[camera cuts to the kids lined up outside, surrounded by poster supplies]
Mabel: Next up: Campaigning! You'll need lots and lots of glitter for this!
Dipper: What does glitter have to do with campaigning?
Mabel [holds up a huge poster that's been bedazzled and decked out with bright shiny glitter] In order to make them noticeable, they have to shine! [she angles the poster so it catches the sunlight]
Dipper [yelps in pain]: My eyes!
Mabel: Also…
[camera cuts to inside the house. Stan and Soos are sitting at a card table in the living room, a phone in front of each of them]
Mabel: Phoning it in! If you want to campaign, you have to reach a lot of people quickly. So, call them and make them vote for you! It's like a telethon, only better!
[cut to Stan on the phone]
Stan: Yeah, you better vote for Dipper! He's the best—you don't say…how about a little wager? I make sure this kid gets elected and you buy my summer overstock from last year.
Mabel: Grunkle Stan, I don't think—
Stan: Not now honey. Making a deal here.
[camera pans to Soos]
Soos: Yes, I'd like one pepperoni anchovy pizza with extra sauce and…uh, was there something I was supposed to ask you?
Mabel: [Does a facepalm]
[cut to Mabel holding the camera with one hand so it's aimed at her face]
Mabel: Well, phoning it in might not be working to great, but there's another fun part of campaigning, which is also the most important thing. Campaign promises! What will you do for the voters?! Pick your flimsy campaign promises and get out there and sell yourself! You'll need lots of voters, so be friendly, amiable and introduce yourself to people!
[cut to Dipper standing on a Soapbox in the middle of the Gravity Falls Mall]
Dipper: If you elect me, I promise to bring healthier food to the cafeteria, more books to the library and a way to track down all the monsters in Gravity Falls!
Mall patron [stops and looks at him]: Weirdo
Dipper: [sighs]
[cut to Candy in another corner of the mall, also on a Soapbox]
Candy: If you vote for me, I will give you salad fingers! [she holds up a contraption attached to her wrist that has a fork attached] If you do not vote for me, you will feel my wrath!
[cut to Grenda in the third corner of the mall, handing out stickers]
Grenda: A cute boy in every classroom! Vote Grenda for Class President! [a boy walks over and takes a sticker. She winks at him] Call me cutie.
Mabel: And it looks like we have a favorite—hey, what's that? [she lowers the video camera. Down at the end of the mall is Pacifica. She's standing on a Soapbox with a huge crowd gathered around her]
[the camera starts rolling again, walking towards Pacifica]
Pacifica: I'm like, not even interested in becoming Class President. But if you vote for me, I'll give you free stuff. Also, I'm rich and popular.
[cut to later. Mabel and the others are back at the Mystery Shack]
Mabel: And finally, Election Day! The day when all the votes are counted and we find out who wins! [she turns to Waddles] Waddles, the tabulated results, if you please [she takes a piece of paper out of his mouth] And the winner is…
Dipper [snatches the paper from her, reading]: Pacifica. [unimpressed] Of course it is.
Pacifica: Like, later. [she exits]
Mabel [lunges toward the door as Pacifica leaves]: That's not fair! I demand a recount! I know there was a hanging Chad in there!
Stan [holding her back]: Let it go Sweetie.
