Author: Written by Joana Cascais.
Game: Mass Effect – Events following the Feros Mission.
Pairing: Joana Shepard/Shiala
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Electronic Arts and BioWare.
Warning: Joana Shepard is based on my personal version of Female Shepard.

Chapter 1

Joana Shepard could not sleep. She could only think about the Cipher, about Saren and especially about the Asari Commando, Shiala. Something in her could make Shepard feel somewhat vulnerable in many ways. Could it have been when Shiala melded with Shepard in order to transfer her vision about the Cipher? Was it normal feeling like this after a meld since it was an Asari ability? No, it wasn't that. Something really didn't make sense. Shepard felt like she hadn't felt in a long time. The feeling of heat inside her body, passing through her veins, making her blood boil. She felt almost weak every time she thought of Shiala. Something in that one Asari attracted her.

Shepard got up, passing her hand along the curvature of her neck. The psychological exhaustion could be even worse than a whole day on the battlefield, defeating thousands of Geths and Husks. She decided to go to the cafeteria to eat something. The trip to Noveria would be long and quite boring. When she was near the cafeteria, her body froze. There she was, Shiala, sitting at a table with Tali, Garrus, Liara and even Dr. Chakwas. Her heart raced. What was going on? She silently wished for an explanation.

Dr. Chakwas was the first to notice Shepard.
- Commander! Come join us!
Everyone turned to face Shepard, including Shiala. Shiala's eyes locked on Shepard and her lips turned into the most beautiful smile. Shepard instantly felt her heart in her throat. She couldn't breathe, much less react.
- Shepard? – Garrus asked, waiting for a reaction.
- Ah, yeah, I'm coming.
Every step in Shiala's direction made her heart beat faster and faster. She could feel her nerves taking control of her entire body. Her legs started to shake, but she did everything to ignore it and walked a straight line towards the table. Shepard had a responsibility as Commander and Spectre in the Normandy. Nothing could bring her down. With her head up, she got close to the table and grabbed a seat at the edge of it. Shiala was seated to her left, and Dr. Chakwas, Garrus Tali and Liara at her right. She grabbed the bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy, poured a glass and drank it right away.
- So, - Garrus started – like I was asking, what do you plan to do now, Shiala?
- Well, at the moment I can't do much – Shiala replied – but, like I said earlier, I'll pretend to help you all in the battlefield, fighting by your side, and every time I get some extra time for myself I'll dedicate it to get all the help I can for Zhu's Hope. – Shiala looks down shamefully – Because of me, the entire colony was affected…
- It wasn't your fault. – Said Shepard. Making everyone stare at her. – It wasn't your fault if you fell into Saren's trap and… - she looked at Liara and turned her eyes to the glass she was holding in her hand - …and I hope Matriarch Benezia is also another victim in this whole story.
Liara turned her face down, looking at her glass between her hands and grabbing it firmly. She couldn't deny that Benezia was her mother; her only mother.
There was silence at the table. The topic was very delicate and uncomfortable. So, Dr. Chakwas tried to break the silence.
- Well, change of topics if you don't mind, why don't you talk more about yourself, Shiala?
- Hm. There isn't much I can say about myself, other than I joined the Asari Commandos very early; I was only 70 years old. But I knew, right away, it was that life I wanted for myself… To work for the safety of all Asaris at Thessia.

While Shiala was explaining her story to the crew, Shepard was completely lost in her eyes. In the way her lips were moving and forming every word she spoke. She couldn't deny wondering how the beautiful Asari's skin felt. She had had lots of relationships before, but never with non-human beings. Was their skin soft or hard? Cold or warm…? She felt the urge to touch it, to kiss her neck, to explore her entire unknown body. Without even noticing, Shepard began to bite her own lip. The desire of feeling Shiala's body in her arms started to grow even more on Shepard, becoming more intense. She couldn't look away from Shiala, and the Asari didn't seem to notice Shepard, since she was so focused on telling her story to the others. Then, Liara, looked around and noticed the expression on Shepard's face admiring Shiala. She noticed how Shepard was there and not at the same time. She was biting her lip and looking so focused on the Asari at the table, who accompanied her mother. Liara couldn't hide her feeling jealous for not being the Asari that called for Shepard's attention. It was then she thought how naïve she was being. Why jealous? Why did she wish for Shepard's attention? And why was she thinking about it in the first place? Liara felt uncomfortable, so she got up.
- I'm sorry, but if you excuse me, I'll go sleep now. Goodnight to all of you.
- Goodnight, Liara. – everybody replied.
Shepard stayed quiet and noticed how she was away until she heard Liara's voice. She lost herself completely on Shiala. And when she actually understood it, she felt terribly ashamed.
Tali got up and stretched.
- I think I'll do the same. Goodnight everybody!
- Goodnight, Tali!
- And I'll go too. Tomorrow we'll get to Noveria and I have to be ready to take care of all your wounds. – Said Dr. Chakwas, joking.
- Does the Dr. really think we are that fragile?
- Oh, not at all Garrus! I know the crew is very strong but I also know – Dr. Chakwas' eyes looked directly at Shepard – that some of you can't really control your limits.
- Don't worry Dr. I actually enjoy visiting you from time to time – Shepard replies flirtatiously.

Dr. Chakwas laughs. – And it's my pleasure to have you in my Medical Bay, Commander. Well, goodnight to all.
- Bye, Doctor.
- Goodnight Dr. Chakwas.
- Well, - said Garrus filling the last three glasses on the table. – I guess it's only us now. Should we cheer?
- And what should we cheer to? – asked Shepard.
- Hmm… good question.
- To Commander Shepard. – Said Shiala raising her glass.
- Of course! To Commander Shepard! – Garrus joined.
- And may I know why to me?
- It's just another way to say thanks for what you did for me.
Shepard felt her face burn when she heard those words. Trying to pretend her first reaction, she raised her glass. – Ok, to me then! Bottom's Up!

There was silence.
Garrus got up and said goodnight to Shepard and Shiala.
- Shiala?
- Yes, Commander?
- You can call me Shepard. No need to be so formal around me.
- Ah, sure.
- And you don't need to thank me for whatever I did. I mean, I didn't do anything I wouldn't do again.
- Yes. It's just, I'm sure if it was someone else, probably, they would arrest me or even worse… That's why I felt the need to thank you again.
- And you just thanked me for the third time.
Both laughed.
- Do you think Saren is way ahead of us?
- To be honest, I don't know how to answer your question. After they left me in Feros, all the contact to Saren or even Matriarch Benezia was cut off. I even tried to reach Lady Benezia but without any success.
- You should have told me about that.
- Ah, I'm sorry. Yes, you're right I should have told you. It was disrespectful of me and it could be fatal to the mission. I promise it won't happen again.
- It's not that… I just don't want to lose you again.
Shiala took some time to understand what that sentenced really meant. She felt a warm sensation in herself. No one ever told her anything like that. No one ever showed her they cared for her existence. She stopped feeling invisible.
- I understand – Shepard continued while drinking the rest of her Serrice Ice Brandy – why you did it, and I thank you for that. I know you had good reasons.
- You-you're welcome. – Shiala could feel her voice shake in her throat.
- Well, - Shepard got up – I'll try to sleep now. You should do the same. We'll be at Noveria very soon and I will need all my crew in good shape.
- Of course.

Shiala admired Shepard as she walked to her cabin. Still thinking about those words, she remembered the moment when her mind joined to Shepard's. She could easily feel a strong and delicate mind. By respect, she limited herself to only share the vision with Shepard and nothing else. But she was able to feel Shepard's mind hid many secrets. It was a strong, very resisting mind on the outside but very fragile on the inside. Just like Shepard in person. Someone who was strong and brave, but inside she was someone who suffered in silence and saved everything to within her. Finally, she got up and went to the dorms.

At her cabin, Shepard got ready to sleep. "It went better than expected." She thought. Right away the feeling of heat was back; her throat went dry, her body felt numb. She couldn't feel her arms and legs and she felt like her skin was ablaze. She knew exactly what all those feelings meant but she tried to ignore them. Shepard sat at the table next to her bed, where she looked in the mirror with both her hands on her head. She looked directly into her own eyes and spoke to herself. "Are you insane?" – she asked. – Do you want everything to repeat itself?" She looked down and closed her eyes, her hands closed in a fist grabbing the hair between her fingers. Tears of rage fell down her face. Her teeth were raging with so much strength. Her fists started to shake. Her legs started to tremble. "No, Joana, you can't let yourself go… not now. You need to be focused on the mission, on the war. You can't risk anything now. You can't get weak for such feelings! You can't go back to who you were and put everyone's life in danger! You can't! You can't and you don't want to! To feel what you felt… when everything ended…" – her thoughts were interrupted by the signal of her omni-tool, telling her there was someone calling her. She wiped her tears with her arm and answered the call.
- Hey, Commander. I know it's pretty late and I hope I didn't wake you up. Another reason why I'm contacting you by the omni-tool. Didn't want to wake up anyone else and… ah, is everything ok, Shepard?
- Yes, Joker. I was just about to go to bed.
- Sorry ma'am. I just thought you would like to know we will be at Noveria in few hours. We just hit the Mass Relay.
- Ok, thanks Joker.
- You're welcome ma'am. Oh, and one last thing…
- What?
- Whatever is worrying you… you can do it. Joker out.
The omni-tool turned off. Shepard still looked at her arm thinking about those words from Joker. It wasn't like Joker to be wrong. He was usually right about things, and he was always there for Shepard and everyone else; even, when he didn't show it.

Shepard laid back in her chair, and looked at the ceiling. No. She wouldn't make the same mistake she did 10 years ago. She wouldn't let her shield, so strongly created for years, fall down for something she wasn't even sure about. Or at least she thought so.
She got up, undressed and went to bed, then fell asleep right away.