Author's Note: Where to begin? Ah, a little explanation of the story should be a nice place to start. Alright, this story is more of a mockery of all the screwed up, Mary Sue filled, bad plot inserted, bizarre sex stuffed, and all around terrible stories out there. Now, I won't admit my mind is pure genius, or that my 'N' key responds all the time, but hopefully you'll enjoy the story. This story takes all of those said qualities and adds them in, only someone is aware how messed up things are. The Jar Jar Binks of the Sonic universe, Silver the Hedgehog! Alright, I like Silver, that's kind of why I picked him to be the protagonist. The main reason, however, is just because everyone hates him so much. After all, the whole reason of this story is to piss everyone off. So fangz (geddit cuz im goffik(Not really.)) to everyone who reads this.
A review wouldn't hurt, either.
Disclaimer: I do not own Sonic the Hedgehog, or SEGA.
Generic Story
Chapter 1
T'was a bright, beautiful day in the downtown district of Station Square, the epicenter of commerce, cuisine, and culture in the entire United States. The city was truly a masterpiece, even capitals like Paris and London marveled at the sheer mention of the metropolis. The skyscrapers were literally glowing as the sun beamed down on the thousands of windows, a major hazard, actually. Despite this, it was still a nice day to be alive.
No one enjoyed this morning more than Silver the Hedgehog, the world's telekinesis-est thing alive . He sat back in his own fancy kitchen, staring out of a giant window into the bustling streets below. Sonic, another of Station Square's many heroes, had used his money to buy all of his friends rooms in a magnificent building. The rooms rivaled that of five-star hotels, with beds to match. Silver still couldn't understand what possessed Sonic to buy every one of his friends rooms, or even where he got the money. Maybe saving the world did pay off. Either way, you'll never know.
Silver used his psychokinesis to lift a cup of coffee off of his kitchen table, surrounding the mug with a cyan aura. Bringing it to his lips, he took a slight sip, letting out an 'Aaah' afterwards. He had figured out he loved coffee, with a large amount of creamer, mind you. Usually, he had several cups throughout the day, sometimes a little too much. Silver started to remember about the time he had robbed a convenient store for ground coffee, later eating it by the hand full.
Silver sighed to himself, not the best memory.
A sudden, earth-quake like rumble hit the large building, causing Silver to spill his cup of scalding hot coffee onto his crotch, "GAAAAAAHHH!" Silver let out a blood curdling scream, jumping up instantly. Another wave of shaking hit the building, causing him to almost lose his balance, "What is going on?" He stumbled his way to the door leading to his floor's hallway.
BOOM!
Like my premature ejaculations, Silver's decorated door flew off its hinges with mild to average force. Silver - being a complete ass-hat - didn't think to dodge the incoming object. Instead our mighty hero took one for the team, letting it knock him down on his arse. I like saying arse, I should do it more often.
I bet all you children have no idea what the hell happened to the mood at the beginning of the story. We've entered the next phase. Deal with it.
P***y.
Silver, now completely dazed and confused, continued rubbing his head, "A-an explosion?" Yes, dumb-ass, an explosion.
Suddenly, everyone started to pile into Silver's room. Everyone. Silver was still unaware of the growing horde of his colleagues that were filing into his place of sanctuary. He eventually looked up, pissing himself a little, as he gazed upon each and every- each and every- each and everyone, 'till this war is won. Ahem, sorry about that.
"What? Who? Why is everyone in here!?" Silver yelled at the top of his lungs, "Get out!" Whoa, we got a tough guy over here. All eyes on Silver mothfukin' Hedgehog.
"We would, if we weren't in Code Red," A certain black hedgehog spoke up among the crowd, "Dawg," Its that kind of black now.
"Code Red? What's Code Red?" Silver furrowed a brow, "How come I've never heard of it?"
"Yo, Well, we's weren't supposed ta tell you. You see, yo' room wuz picked fo' uh shelter in case we's ever hit Code Red, Ya' dig?" Shadow threw up a couple gang signs, "Representin'!"
Silver stood up, finally, "N-no. I can't say I do," Silver began to scratch his head, "Anyone else, please?"
Our favorite c*nt of a character, Amy Rose, stepped up to bat, "We hit Code Red, something terribly terrible has happened. We need your room so we can live," Amy said softly, adding a giant smile afterwards. The smile went really nice with her eyes. Her eyes! She had no eyes!
"Jesus Christ!... the Hedgehog," Silver took up a defensive stance, "Amy... Your eyes! What happened?" Silver's tone eased a bit, but still had shock to it.
"My eyes? Nothing's wrong with my eyes... Ha, ha, ha, ha..." She began giggling, slightly turning her head to the side. Her eyes were indeed gone, blood dripping from the sockets reaching her chin didn't really help either, "Silver, you're so silly. Ha, ha, ha," Creepy.
No one else seemed to even be at all fazed by Shadow and Amy's odd behaviors, that made it even worse for friend Silver, "Well, okay... Amy, why my room? Why not Sonic's?" He began to feel slightly more comfortable with No-eyes Amy, that wasn't saying much.
"Sonic?" Amy backed away from Silver a bit, "Sonic? Sonic!? Sonic! Sonic!" Amy started bashing her head off of the kitchen door, "Why don't you love me!?" She screamed a blood-curdling scream. Silver covered his ears, this was the most frightening moment of his entire life.
"Somebody call my name, d***hebags?" Sonic speed into the room, causing everyone to awe in his glory, causing him to smirk. This was Sonic the He- no, this was God himself. Sonic is his mere mortal name, but I will use it anyways, "Chilidogs!" Sonic screamed, causing everyone to wet themselves.
Silver approached Sonic - like a failed character can approach a God, but I guess its a story - wondering about the cause of this 'Code Red.' He had gone threw two people already, and put no effort into it, he deserved answers.
No. He demanded answers.
Silver's eyes filled with rage, "Sonic, what happened? What's 'Code Red?' Why the hell are you in my room?" Silver threw his hands up in the air.
Bad move, very bad move, "Silver the Hedgehog, how dare you talk down to your king that way!" Sonic's voice transformed, becoming multiple voices, "I will strike you down where you stand, fool," Sonic's hand suddenly morphed into a machine gun.
"What?" Silver jumped at the sight of a barrel pointed at his forehead, "No, don't kill me!"
"Then kneel," Soni - no - God said simply.
"K-kneel?" Silver furrowed a brow.
"Kneel!" God fired several bullets into the ceiling, causing Silver to scream like a little girl and throw himself to the floor, "You are not kneeling!" God fired several more rounds, breaking a few windows. Silver, with tear-filled eyes, complied and knelt, "We are satisfied," Sonic's voice grew back into his old self.
"Yo, you see those shots poppin'? Gangsta, man!" Shadow and Sonic shared an intricate handshake, complete with snaps and fist bumps. The handshake was actually pretty cool - are they making out?
Indeed, they were making out. Very, uh, very passionate. Silver, still full of questions, simply sighed and began to drift back to his kitchen. He was slightly alarmed by the fact Amy was still bashing her head off the door, but he shrugged it off.
Silver tried to take in everything that had occurred today, and it was only the morning, "I need a drink," Silver caught a quick glance of a red blur move through the kitchen. Focusing in on it, Silver used his blue-green powers to keep whatever it was in place.
It was Knuckles. With all of Silver's refrigerator contents, "I... Have a problem," Knuckles said, dropping all of the food onto the floor.
"Knuckles!" Silver yelled out his name excitedly.
"No, don't hurt me! I'm sorry!" Knuckles curled up into a defensive position, fearing for his life.
"Hurt you? No, I need some answers," Silver picked Knuckles up off the floor and gave him a friendly smile.
"Q-Questions?" Knuckles eyes grew wide, "У меня нет памяти, Афганистан, я клянусь! Скажите КГБ и ЦРУ, чтобы остановить после меня!" Knuckles tore ass out of the kitchen, knocking over a few chairs. Whoa, look at all those backwards letters.
Silver lifted one of the chairs off the ground and proceeded to take a seat. He began to rub his temples out of sheer stress. He tightly closed his eyes, aiding in his fight with reality. Amy had wandered into the kitchen, touching everything in her path to make up for the fact her eyes were f**king gone. Silver took little notice to her, finally becoming comfortable with Amy.
She continued her stroll through the kitchen, eventually laying her hands on Silver. He jumped in response, causing Amy to do the same. Silver calmed himself down and decided he was finally going to get some answers, "Amy?" He quickly got her attention, "Why are we in Code Red? Why is everyone acting so weird?" Silver leaned back in preparation for the answer.
Amy stood there, stari- facing off into space, not paying attention to Silver. He sighed and turned towards the kitchen doorway, where everyone was taking refuge. Amy turned her head to where she thought Silver was, and contemplated telling him the truth. Telling Blaze what had happened led to Sonic pulling out her eyes in the first place. Oh yeah, we're in Phase Three.
Amy sighed, almost making Silver fall off his chair. Amy motioned to have Silver lean in towards her, he complied, "You can't tell anyone I said this," She whispered into Silver's ear.
"Uh, yeah, sure. Why? What's wrong?" Silver asked in the same whisper.
Amy shuddered for a second, but quickly regained her composer, "The building has been attacked," She turned her head left and right, it wasn't very helpful because, well, you know.
"Attacked? By who, Eggman?" Silver perked his head up a bit.
"No," Amy leaned in even closer to Silver, "The IRA," She fell back to her original position.
Silver scratched the back of his head, "The IRA? This is America? Aren't they in Ireland?" Someone passed second grade. Oh wait, there are no schools in his future.
"Apparently America has a chapter of the IRA. They call it the Roth IRA," Amy began to back away from Silver, "They are said to be in the millions. They finally reached Station Square. They killed Tails,"
Silver began to take all of the information in when he hit a snag, "Wait, the Roth IRA? I've never heard of them, then again there are about fifty IRAs," Silver shrugged.
"Did somebody say IRA?" Sonic roughly grabbed Silver by the back of his shoulders, causing Amy to instantly drop to the ground, "Amy, I thought you had learned; loose lips cost lives," Sonic threw Silver across the kitchen, making him collide against the wall. He let out a grunt of pain from the impact, "Looks like I need to make you prettier, maybe take out your tongue? A few teeth? Oh, the possibilities!" Sonic slowly approached Amy, a butcher knife materializing in his hand. Amy began hysterically laughing as Sonic drew near.
Silver looked around his now completely destroyed kitchen. Possibly out of rage from the mess or protecting Amy, he raised his hand, "Surprise, c***f*g!"Silver yelled as Sonic was completely surrounded by the cyan aura of telekinesis.
Sonic turned his head slowly towards Silver, his eyes filled with rage. Without any warning, the aura shattered like glass and Sonic fell back to the ground, "I've had enough of you, you terrible memory," Sonic's voice again changed to God, "If you won't love me, you will fear me!" Sonic snapped his fingers.
Silver was nothing more than a blood splatter. Phase four.
"Silver?"
"Silver, wake up."
"Silver, please, don't die on me!"
Silver's eyes snapped open, giving him an instant view of the sky, "Wh-What happened?" Silver sat up, looking around. He was in a field. The field didn't seem to end, however, "Where am I?"
"Silver, didn't questioning everything get you killed in the first place?" A voice boomed throughout the area, it sounded like a child.
Silver's eyes widened, "Killed? This? I'm in Heaven?" He stood up, examining the grass, "Kind of bland, don't you think?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. How's this?" The Voice replied, a tree grew directly in front of him, "Look at that tree. Are you not entertained?"
"Whoa, that's pretty cool," Silver said, looking towards the sky, "What else can you do?"
"Uh, hang on," The Voice paused for a second. Silver felt the ground trembling beneath him. Suddenly, another tree grew, "I didn't know I had enough power for two trees! Why that's spectac- no, treetacular!" The Voice emitted a childish laugh.
"So, what am I supposed to do now? Does Heaven have, like, jobs or something?" Silver asked The Voice.
"Heaven? No, this isn't Heaven," The Voice revealed, causing Silver to furrow a brow, "I like your hair."
"Then... Where exactly am I?"
The Voice was silent, "Here, let me think of a name," The Voice grew silent again. Silver started tapping his foot out of a sheer lack of patience, "Tim," The Voice finally spoke up, "This place is now Tim."
"Okay... Now, why am I here. In Tim?" Silver turned his attention to a small house growing out of the ground in the far distance.
"Well, Tim doesn't actually exist per se. Its more of your imagination," The Voice explained.
"Like a dream?" Silver tried to put the pieces together.
"Kind of like that," The Voice began, "Except you're not going to wake up," The Voice let out a nervous laugh afterwards.
Silver froze, never waking up? That would mean he couldn't see his friends anymore, "Oh, right," Silver remembered everyone had been acting strange when 'Code Red' happened, "So, its just me and you?" Silver sat back down on the soft grass.
"Well, if you want," The Voice said, "There is a way I can take you back to the World of the Living," The Voice explained.
This caught Silver's attention immediately, "You can? How?"
"When you were with that girl, she told you about the Roth IRA, correct?" Silver nodded, "Good. After you died, there was no one left that wasn't under control of the wizard's spell," The Voice continued, "The Roth IRA completely destroyed the United States... Asia and Eastern Europe soon followed," Silver continued to stare into the sky, slightly confused, "Only the power of the seven Chaos Emeralds can defeat them. To gather all of them alone would be foolish, I have assembled some of your friends to help you," The Voice took a large inhale.
"Wizard? The Chaos Emeralds? Friends? What are you talking about? How long was I out?" Silver started yelling to the sky.
"Yes, yes, you're friends are in the house, and three months," The Voice instructed him, making a cloud form an arrow pointing to the lone house.
"Are they normal?"
"Normal? I would assume."
"Oh, great," Silver sluggishly walked over towards the house. He didn't want to know who The Voice snatched to form his "team." For some reason, he didn't like it.
"You know, you ask way too many questions," The Voice said.
"I know," Silver replied, finally reaching the house. He slowly opened the door and instantly face-palmed. Out of all his friends.
"Yo, what's wrong, dawg?"
"Есть ли что-то на моем лице?"
"Who's there?"
Chapter one! This is probably the only story I enjoy writing, don't worry its not over yet. The Mary Sues will be in the next chapter, along with Sonichu. Hell yea, Sonichu. Look him up. Please. If you want your own OC to be in the story, leave a PM. Fair warning: your OC will be portrayed as a Mary Sue, so disregard any personality you already made for them.
Gangsta Shadow, Soviet Knuckles, No-Eyes Amy, and Silver are probably going to end up being the main characters. That means each of these characters are going to have their own back stories and character arcs. For now, see you next time.
