The Despicable Parson
Summary: This story begins as Elizabeth refuses Mr. Collins' proposal.
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Jane Austen.
Elizabeth: "I thank you again and again for the honour you have done me in your proposals, but to accept them is absolutely impossible. My feelings in every respect forbid it. Can I speak plainer? Do not consider me now an elegant female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart."
Mr. Collins: "You are uniformly charming!" cried he with an air of awkward gallantry..."
Chapter One: Repulsive Mr. Collins
Collins suddenly grabbed Elizabeth by the arm and pulled her closer: "I shall have you, make no mistake of that, Cousin," he sneered as he attempted to kiss her. She shouted in disgust and slapped his face. This did nothing to deter his resolve to have her and in fact, only served to amuse him even more. He laughed as he grabbed the neckline of her dress, and pulled it downward, tearing it to shreds. She screamed and used as much strength as she could summon to aim her knee forcefully into his tender parts. He fell to the floor in pain: "I will have you Elizabeth – you shall be mine, I assure you!" he said in a croaking voice.
Mr. Bennet then appeared with pistol in hand, aimed at Collins' head.
"Cousin!" Collins addressed Mr. Bennet, with alarm, "There is no need for concern. Elizabeth has consented to be my wife and I was merely attempting to secure a chaste kiss," still reeling in pain on the floor.
"I did no such thing, Papa!" Lizzy exclaimed, doing her best to hold the torn bits of her dress together. "His proposal and his advances were both rejected!" she said, filled with rage.
Mrs. Bennet and her remaining daughters had been hovering near the door, listening to the proposal and subsequent conflict. They opened the door and gasped upon observing Collins writhing on the floor and Mr. Bennet threatening him with the pistol.
Mr. Bennet addressed his wife: "Mrs. Bennet, please take the girls upstairs until I call for you." Jane dragged Kitty and Lydia up the stairs while Mrs. Bennet slowly ascended the stairs lamenting about how they would soon be thrown out into the road with no roof over their heads. Mary lingered behind to catch a glimpse of the parson, whom she held in great esteem.
"Sir, it appears that you have overstayed your welcome," Mr. Bennet said angrily but calmly. He called for his servant, Mr. Hill and announced: "Mr. Collins is leaving immediately. Please assist him with packing his bags and have his horse and buggy readied for immediate departure." Addressing Collins, he said: "Sir, you have five minutes to vacate the premises." He turned and left the room, leaving Collins still lying on the floor.
Hill assisted Collins to his feet and on the way to the door, Collins noticed the forlorn look on Mary's face. Sensing an opportunity to gain favor with this cousin, he stopped to address her, but Elizabeth grabbed Mary by the arm, pulled her into the drawing room and shut the door.
Within minutes, Hill came down the stairs with Collins' bag and pile of books. Mr. Bennet escorted Collins to the door and cautioned him: "You are never to return to Longbourn until after I am dead."
"Truly, Cousin, this is merely a misunderstanding," Collins called out after Mr. Bennet had turned and left him. Hill escorted him out to his waiting horse and buggy. "I am sure that once my cousin has had a chance to re-examine the events of the day, he will reconsider his decision." Hill turned and left him standing next to the buggy. Collins rode away, confident of his eventual return to Longbourn.
"Why did you refuse Mr. Collins, Lizzy?" Mary asked her sister. "Marriage to him would most certainly ensure that the estate will stay in the family."
Elizabeth responded angrily: "I refused him because he is entirely ridiculous. I slapped him because he tried to kiss me. I kicked him because he assaulted me." Fury flamed in her eyes.
Mary was astonished: "No, it cannot be true; he is a man of the cloth!"
"That may well be but he is unfit for the profession, in my opinion," Lizzy said as she let the torn bodice of her dress fall. "Look what he did to me! I did not give him leave to take liberties with me!"
Mary was horrified at the sight of her sister's torn dress. "Oh Lizzy, it is in every way horrible!" She enveloped her sister in a comforting embrace. When they were sure that Collins had gone, they went upstairs to change Lizzy's dress.
While changing her dress, Lizzy noticed that the cross pendant that she had been wearing earlier was missing. She and Mary searched through the torn dress for the cross but were unable to locate it. They called for their maid, Betsy, and notified her of the missing item. "Do not distress yourself, Lizzy. Betsy and I will search the entire house for your cross," Mary reassured her.
Betsy offered to mend the torn dress, but Lizzy was resolved to never wear it again. "Perhaps someone else will find use for it but I never shall," she lamented. "That dress would only serve as a reminder of the events of this morning, which are best forgotten," she thought.
Mrs. Bennet succumbed to her nervous thoughts and became overwrought: "Oh dear, what is to become of us? If Lizzy had not rejected Mr. Collins, the estate would have stayed in the family. Why, oh why did your father choose to evict Collins so quickly when I might have prevailed upon him to consider Mary instead? Now Mr. Collins will find a wife from another family. When your father dies, which may very well be quite soon, we will all be thrown out to live in the elements. Oh dear, what a dreadful state I am in! How am I to care for five daughters with no roof over our heads?" Her daughters' attempts to comfort her went unheard.
Alone in his study, Mr. Bennet paced the room, filled with rage over Collins' unseemly behavior. He wanted to ensure that he did not get away with assaulting his daughter, but was unsure of what to do. After considering several options, he determined that the best approach would be to inform his employer, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, of the attack. However; having never made the Lady's acquaintance, he instead wrote to her nephew, Mr. Darcy. When he had completed the letter, he sealed it and placed it in his desk drawer, to send in the morning post.
(Author's Note: I'm not sure how many of you will be interested in a bad-as-he-can-be Collins story, but this one has invaded my brain for the last few weeks and would not leave me alone until I had written it. It was inspired by the fabulous bad-as-she-can-be fanfic: The Deeply Dastardly Mrs Caroline Darcy by BelleEpoquer.)
