Title: Distance and Time
Summary: Leah wasn't the only person that imprinting destroyed. This is a letter to her Sam.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. This story is produced without profit.
Characters: Leah/Sam
Genre: Angst/Hurt/Hope
Rating: K
Warnings: Depressing. Heavy on the imprinting angst.
Status: Completed.
Archiving: Please PM me.
Inspirations/Dedications: Inspired by Alicia Keys, "Distance and Time"
Author's Notes: Part of the Your Gift, Our Curse series.
Distance and Time
Remember when we were kids and we played in the rain? Momma always told us to come in, that we'd catch our death but you and me, Sam-we were free. We didn't care. I cling to those memories, like literally cling to them. I wake up some nights, gripping the covers and for just the slightest of second,s I can feel you there with me. It never lasts long though.
I don't know where you are, Sam. Everything seemed to change so quickly in ways that I never expected. I mean, how can you prepare? I don't blame you for anything that's happened, I hope you know that. I get mad at her, I can't really help that...and that thing that makes a mockery of the man you were, but never you. I could never be mad at you, something you used to your advantage many times.
It's easier with my daddy because at least I know where to look for him. I can just tilt my head back and close my eyes and breathe in the Earth around me and it's like he never left, like he's right beside me. I've tried that with you but it never works. I can't find you, but I won't ever stop looking. It's easier still because everybody knows he's gone. Nobody thinks it's crazy or pointless for me to cry for him. But you, well, I'm the only person who knows that you're not here anymore.
Are you mad at me, Sammy? I hope not. I tried everything I could to bring you back to me but I just don't know what to do anymore. It's hard for me watching him-whatever he is walking around in your place. Sometimes, if I try real hard, I can almost imagine he's you, and then I feel guilty because he's not and never will be. He doesn't even come close.
God, I miss you so much it hurts. Maybe it would be easier if you were still here- maybe if you smiled the same and laughed the same. Or maybe it would hurt worse, because at least this way I can be happy knowing that you kept your promises to me. Until death, you said. Until I'm no longer here, and you're not. Not anymore.
I think about you a lot, probably more than it's good for me to. I wonder if you can see all of this, if you can see what's happened to you. For your sake, I hope not-but if you do, well, all I can say is that I see it too and I promise you that no one will ever convince me that man is you.
See, Emily might have your heart now, but I know you. I've always known you. I know that when you're angry, you rant and rave until the both of us are laughing. You don't grit your teeth and shake your head slowly. You were never one for holding it all in. Not until now. Nothing was ever too much for you. You were one of those people who seemed to coast through life, always feeling something. There was no trouble that couldn't be cured by a wicked smile and something worth laughing at. We used to do a lot of that, didn't we, Sammy? Laughing. Now you barely even smile and when you do, it all seems wrong. It's not your smile. It's too...sweet. All the mischief is gone. Maybe it's because Emily prefers you that way.
She thinks I want him back. Can you believe that? If it didn't hurt so much, I'd probably laugh. Maybe that's her punishment. Maybe on the day she dies, she'll see the man she helped destroy. She'll see the man you were and she'll realise that her Sam was nothing compared to mine. Sometimes, when he looks at me, I can almost see a spark of recognition. Is that you? Are you still there deep down inside? Are you haunting his dreams, demanding that he pay attention to you? Making him acknowledge all the dreams and plans that he destroyed-mine, and yours?
I've bitten my tongue so hard I'm surprised there's anything left, but if I said even a piece of what was on my mind, I'd probably never stop. You always said I talked too much. You loved that about me. Every thought that runs through his head tells me to shut up...or it used to. Not anymore.. You'd be real proud of me, Sammy. I got away. I'm Beta now, in both ways. It's still not a wonderful situation but I'm trying to make the best of it. Did it make you sad, seeing how hurt I was? I don't know why I'm even asking, I know it would have. But it's still hard sometimes, not to buy into the lie of it. Then he'll do something that you would never do and it becomes a little easier.
I've come to terms with things now. I know you're gone and chances are you're never coming back. I just wish I knew where you were, I wish I had a place to pray to, but I don't. I tend to just imagine that you're with my daddy. That makes it easier. My two strongest men, both watching over me. I don't want to give up on you, Sammy-and a part of me never will, but I have to try and move on, if only to keep your memory pure. Nobody else seems to remember the man you were. They talk about how mature you've become, how settled you seem. I wonder if they ever realise how you just changed over night? How you stopped being you? Maybe they just don't think about it because they never loved you, everything that was you. Not like I did. I don't think I'm the only one though. Sometimes, your mom looks at me with such sadness that I have to believe she sees it too. You were her boy and she loved you despite everything. Maybe I'm not the only one who wonders where you've gone.
I still dream about imprinting one day. Maybe that seems pretty hypocritical, considering what it's done to you...but this world just isn't the same without you in it. I'd give anything to be with you again. My dream, my ambitions. I have fantasies that we'll be together one day. That with one look, I can disappear to wherever you are now and we can be together again. Let's do that, shall we? We can leave it all, let the love zombies do what they want with whatever is left behind. Nobody can stop us when we're together, you know that as well as I do.
I don't care what happens to me when I'm gone as long as you're waiting for me. I don't care if my body keeps on moving, if something that isn't me sets up home inside of it. Fate can take it all. All I want is you. My Sam, not some inferior copy. There's nothing I wouldn't trade, nothing I wouldn't give to have you back again, as you were-but if that can't happen, if the only option is for me to come to you, I'll be counting down the days. I'll close my eyes and fall. Give my heart and body to someone I don't even know.
Someone else can have my soul because if I can't choose to give it to you then I don't want it.
~fin~
