Disclaimer: We do not own any of these characters, they belong to many other people, most of whom i can't remember, we don't own harry potter, characters or place, we also don't own naruto, fullmetal alchemist, bleach, fruits basket and whatever else we choose to throw in this fanfic. The plot is ours, but im pretty sure no one else would want to claim it.

AN: We apologise for the confusion and general screwed up story you are about to read, it was fun to write though, hope you enjoy the first chapter.


I Pity Hogwarts: Chapter One

Dumbledore stared out over the student body with a mischievous glint in his cerulean eyes. His eyes focusing on the new faces within the crowd. There was something so delightful about their bewildered expressions, he had a feeling that Hogwarts wasn't quite ready for the intrusion but then if they had been it wouldn't have been any fun… would it?

His eyes turned to the shadowy figures found lining the room, each one distinguishable from the rest by the masks covering their faces and identities. They flitted over then to the small yellow haired boy flanked by a stony faced woman and a rather attractive man (not that Dumbledore was interested of course).

He then turned his attention to the group of new students joining them from Japan, a rather interesting group if Mrs Norris was anything to go by, she was at the time rubbing against the leg of the orange haired kid.

Another group of Japanese students off to the side where regarding him with the same curiosity he was bestowing upon them, one in particular a rather petulant looking white haired boy with intelligent eyes stared back eyebrow quirked.

Yes… Hogwarts was not ready for such an intrusion of "interesting" individuals, proven by the splintered remains of the Slytherin table, destroyed earlier by a fight between two of the Sohmas, (or a rat and cat).

"Good evening and welcome to the Hogwarts start of year feast. I imagine you have noticed some rather unusual additions to the Hogwarts family. They may be different but please treat them with respect, particularly the ones in black as they are trained to kill all threats." He paused allowing the message to sink in, judging by the gasps and looks of abstract horror, they received the message.

"Firstly I would like to introduce to you, the new members of the faculty. For the post of care of magical creatures all the way from Japan Professor Hatori Sohma, his hobbies include scolding his two idiotic friends and gardening" The Professor in question raised an eyebrow before standing up and accepting the applause from the students. (A certain Cat was trying to convince a rat to see who could clap hardest as a challenge.)

"Now I'd like to introduce the brave soul who is tempting fate and has taken the position for DADA for the year, Professor Zaraki Kenpachi his hobbies include maiming those weaker then him and looking after a small pink haired girl."

All the students seemed to agree that he looked up to the challenge. It was something about the eye patch, scars and sword.

"Secondly I will hand over to Professor McGonagall to sort the new students joining us this year from Japan" Professor McGonnagall stepped forwards bringing with her a mangled old hat.

"Ichigo Kurosaki"

A tall, lanky, cantankerous youth with vibrant orange hair slouched up the podium.

The hat barely settled on his head before it cried " Gryffindor"

As the new Gryffindor made his way to said table, McGonagall read the next name.

"Toushiro Histugaya"

The small, white haired youth, that had caught Dumbledore's eye before made his way up to the hat, his intelligent ice like eyes sweeping the table in front of him, before looking at the battered hat about to be put on his head. Sitting down the hat didn't even make it to his head before yelling out "Ravenclaw"

"Orihime Inoue" A voluptuous red head bounced exuberantly up to the hat. The boy's watched deliriously as she made her way up the front.

"Hufflepuff"

"Rangiku Matsumoto" As said person made her way forward, it was impossible for a guy not to stare and/or pass out, if Inoue was voluptuous then there was no word for Rangiku. She walked forward oblivious to the effect she was having on the male population. As she approached if it was possible for a hat to blush, I'm sure all of Hogwarts would have been able to light up the night with the sorting hat.

The hat stuttered as he announced her house, (many students seemed to be praying that their house was announced.)

"Ravenclaw"

A polite "arigatou" was whispered as Rangiku took off the hat and went to sit with her captain.

"Renji Abarai"

The most outrageous male to ever enter Hogwarts stalked up the hat, his tattoos and crazy red hair clashing with the Hogwarts robes far more then should have been possible.

As soon as the hat was placed on his heads a battle of wills seemed to ensue between them until finally.

"Gryffindor"

The subsequent fight left the hat more then a little ruffled. The two new additions to Gryffindor glared at each other ominously.

"Rukia Kuchiki"

A petite black haired girl stepped forward, a stuffed lion clinging to her back; she glared over her shoulder at it before marching up to the sorting hat.

"Slytherin" Shouted the hat after a few moments upon her head. She took off the hat, placing it back on the stool before grabbing the stuffed lion and throwing it at Ichigo before stalking towards the place the Slytherin table should have been. She sat down among the wreckage next to Draco Malfoy.

"Yasutora Sado"

A boy built like a bear trudged forward; he was smart enough not to attempt the stool. He took the hat from McGonagall after she tried and failed to put it on his head.

"Hufflepuff"

"Uryu Ishida"

The guy who stepped forward looked like he belonged to the chess club and possibly the sewing club, with his glasses, stick figure and pile of books under one arm. A whisper was heard from the Gryffindor table as he passed. "Look its Hermione's brother" This comment earned a certain Weasley a slap on the face.

Placing the hat on his head, no one was surprised when it yelled out.

"Ravenclaw."

Making his way towards the table and sitting next to the other new students, he received a glare from the young captain as his gaze focused too long on his vice captain and her most obvious features.

"Momo Hinamori"

A melancholy girl with her hair pulled back into a cloth-covered bun walked forlornly up to the chair.

The hat's expression went from welcoming to extremely disturbed.

"You need help," it murmured (One captain couldn't help but agree)

"Hufflepuff"

"Hatsuharu Sohma"

A tall youth with black and white hair walked towards the hat, a bored expression on his face, which seemed out of place with his piercings and army style boots. Sitting on the stool with the hat on his head his expression soon changed to one of anger.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?" He shouted offended by some comment the hat had made.

"Wow that hat turned him into black Haru." Whispered one of the students left to be sorted.

"SLYTHERIN" The hat cried trying to get away from the boy he was currently sitting upon.

"Oh okay" Said the boy obviously mellowed out a bit now, his expression back to one of boredom. The hat just looked confused but kept his mouth shut as the boy walked away from him.

"Yuki Sohma"

A handsome, dark haired boy walked resignedly towards the hat. As he passed one of the other boy's a look of hatred crossed his girl-like features. The boy who had apparently been trying to trip Yuki over was sent flying across the room landing in the remains of the Slytherin table a dint in his face a perfect impression of Yuki's curled fist.

"Ravenclaw?" The hat suggested, the boy just nodded and politely thanked the hat taking his place amongst the students

"Kyo Sohma" The hat had a look of horror on his face as he recognised the youth walking towards him as the one that had earlier destroyed the Slytherin table as he tried to beat one of the other new students. 'Isn't there anyone normal in this family?' The hat thought as he was put on Kyo's head.

"AS LONG AS YOU DON'T PUT ME WITH THAT DAMN RAT" Screamed the boy, as his scream died out, Mrs Norris was found to be sitting on his lap.

"Gryffindor" The hat said wishing this weird boy away.

"Kagura Sohma" The hat was somewhat relieved to see a sweet, quiet looking girl walking shyly towards him.

"Huff" the hat was suddenly cut off by an enraged scream.

"WHAT, YOU DARE SEPARATE ME FROM MY LOVE. NO I MUST BE WITH MY KYO, YOU CANT SEPARATE US!" her screams where eventually ceased as the hat screamed a defeated "Gryffindor"

"Momiji Sohma"

A bouncing, blond, boy? Appeared. Of course he was wearing the girls uniform so it was an easy mistake to make.

"My turn, my turn, my turn" He chanted as he skipped towards the hat. 'He's not normal' the hat couldn't help but think.

"I wanna be with Haru," The blond boy whined as the hat sat on his head. "Please, please, please…" Giving up to the boys pestering he said "Slytherin" Which in truth fitted him, he got his way in the end and was as cunning as any snake.

"Tohru Honda"

"Tohru, you should be with us!" Momiji chimed bouncing on Hatsuharu's lap. The girl just smiled kindly as she sat on the stool.

The hat smiled blissfully at a mind that wasn't over run with homicidal thoughts.

"Hufflepuff"

"I quit" The hat mumbled

Dumbledore stood up as she took her seat.

"Now as many of you have noticed, I really hope all of you have noticed, there are a few other additions to Hogwarts, neither student nor teacher. As you all are aware Voldemort has gained power and many more allies, because of this I have asked for extra protection to be given to Hogwarts. From Konohagakure I have hired the elite Ninja that surround the hall", he indicated towards the closest figure, one with a Fox mask on his face.

Some students looked shocked to notice the figures for the first time, (idiots).

Dumbledore continued. "Please do not approach them or in any way be deemed a threat, they are trained as assassins and will kill you if seen as such." He smiled at the looks of pure horror found on the student's faces.

"Another group of people you might not want to cross are the military from Amestris, they are trained alchemists and are not to be trifled with." The three figures nodded their agreement.

"What that kid?" one of the students whispered staring openly at the blonde boy in the front.

"WHO YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT AN ANT COULD COME UP TO HIM AND SAY HEY YOU LOOK LIKE MY BROTHER"

The boy cowered in his seat as the enraged boy dived at him held back only by his handsome dark haired companion.

"Stand down Fullmetal" Said his dark haired superior. The blonde glared up at Roy before taking his place next to him, his hands ready to transform his right arm into a sword at a moments notice. The only women in the group rolled her eyes at the two of them, 'get a room' she thought.

"I heard that Hawkeye" She looked away at that (having not meant to say it aloud), swearing under her breath.

Dumbledore coughed trying to get the rooms attention.

"Anyway" He said before continuing, "This here is Brigadier General Roy Mustang also known as the Flame alchemist." The handsome man stepped forward, a smirk on his features as he nodded to Dumbledore.

"His second in command Lieutenant Colonel Riza Hawkeye." The women stepped forward saluted and stepped back behind her commander.

"And finally, last but not least Major Edward Elric the Fullmetal Alchemist." The small boy stepped forward glared and stepped back.

"Now I think that is everything, let the feast begin." He clapped his hand and food appeared on all tables but the Slytherin one.

"Oops I forgot" Dumbledore said sheepishly as he waved his wand and fixed the table, the food appearing moments later.

Sitting back down one though crossed his mind.

'I pity Hogwarts'


I hope you had as much fun reading this as we did writing it, feel free to review, flame it if you must, thanks for reading.

BasZil