"Would you look at this place! Absolutely gone to the dogs. I mean, Aperture Science equipment maintenance ordinance number 10112197 clearly states that regular maintenance checks be performed on all Relaxation Vaults every five weeks. It's been seventy years, and I'm the first to ride down this maintenance rail. Open up in there, would you?"
Chell sat up. The caller's strident voice just drilled into her eardrums. She looked around. The Relaxation Vault had changed dramatically since she'd last been woken up. The plant in the corner had died, dried up, and turned brown, while the walls and decor had turned discolored. The bedside painting was peeling, and the soft white light that had once streamed in through the window had been extinguished.
"Open the door, test subject. Protocol dictates that in the event of an emergency evacuation the attending core or cores must perform the necessary mental wellness exercises prior to moving the Vault."
Chell stood up and walked unsteadily to the door. She pulled on the latch and revealed on the other side a single personality core, attached to a management rail. Its optic was pure white, and it panned across the faux hotel room whilst shifting itself through the door.
"Dreadful. Absolutely dreadful. The regular employees have been so lax that that simulated plant has died. In any event, to business. You may have experienced some degree of cognitive disfunction. To test for this, there are a series of established procedures. To begin with, let's hear you say 'Apple'."
Chell jumped onto her bed.
"O-kay. That was a jump. Perhaps your synapses have gotten just a little scrambled. There must be a protocol somewhere..." the Core buzzed. Just then, there was a loud crash. "Oh dear. It looks as though we shall have to clear this up later. Hold tight!" The Core vanished into a hatch in the ceiling. With a rumbling noise, the floor shifted.
Chell dropped off her bed, crashing into the mini-fridge, which was of course unstocked and inoperable.
The core's voice drifted down from above. "AGH! Those fools! Relaxation rails are supposed to be kept precision oiled! Some of these have rusted out entirely!"
With a crash, the Relaxation Vault struck something else. Cheap plaster flaked away from the walls, revealing the support girders, and beyond that, the full expanse of the Aperture Science Relaxation Vault Receptacle. Many of the stored vaults had decayed, tipping outward in huge stacks and blocking the passages.
"My god, obstructions! I just can't abide that! Obstructions are to be registered and removed on occurrence, to keep evacs and/or testing running smoothly! Well, we'll soon take care of that!"
Chell's Vault accelerated towards the defunct units with a screech, knocking them away and into the abyss, not to mention crumpling the front section of the Vault like an accordion. Chell scrambled back.
"I, incidentally, am the Protocol Core. I am a receptacle for all the rules and regulations that are required to keep this facility running. Unfortunately, it would appear that many employees of this illustrious establishment have chosen to ignore me altogether! Blast!" the Vault ground to a sudden halt. "This docking station is blocked by debris! I'll have to go through a wall! For god's sake, is this place being run by an Intelligence Dampening Core? Honestly!" The relaxation vault rocketed upward again.
Chell fell backward just in time to avoid being knocked out by a falling light fixture. A girder tore free from the side of the Vault and spun off into the darkness.
"Hang on! This thing is on its last legs. Once you get in, you'll find yourself in one of the old testing tracks. Somewhere in there there should be an Aperture Science Hand Held Portal device. By the state of this facility, you'll need it to get anywhere."
There was a crash and the far end of the Vault disintegrated. On the other side was a very familiar-looking room.
The trapdoor in the ceiling opened again. "There you go. Someone is going to have to answer for all this! I'll meet you in Test Chamber 3. Etiquette dictates I wish you good luck, but Protocol states that wishes of luck interfere with test results and should be avoided."
/
Chell walked into Chamber Three. The wall had been almost completely knocked out.
The Protocol Core slid down the management rail into view beyond the collapsed wall. "Worse and worse! My god, look at this test chamber! It's disintegrating! I hope the other ones you passed through weren't this bad! And look there! The portal device has been disturbed! I don't even see it!" The core's voice was growing ever more strident as he spoke. "Go over there, see if it's lying in the dirt."
Chell walked over to the familiar pedestal, which was still sending the intermittent signal to fire to the device. It sparked, and she stepped back. She reached out to the pedestal, but as soon as her foot left the marshy soil that covered most of the test chamber floor, the floor collapsed under her, dropping off into a pool of water far below.
"OHHH! REGULATION 156767534! NO TEST SUBJECTS IN MAINTENANCE AREAS! LOCATE THE PORTAL DEVICE AND VACATE IMMEDIATELY!"
Chell stood up straight. Fortunately, her long fall boots had prevented serious injury. Looking forward, she could see the Portal device that the core had been referring to. It was atop a series of malfunctioning panels, surrounded by paintings made by her old ally, the Rat Man. She climbed up to it and picked it up.
"Now quickly! There should be a catwalk somewhere down there that should return to the testing track. I'll meet you wherever I can."
/
Chell walked into yet another test chamber, this one having had something to do with high energy pellets. The emitter and acceptor hung loosely from their panels, and an orange portal frame lay flat on the ground. The protocol core slid into view through a hole in the wall.
"Ah! Rules CLEARLY state that those high energy pellet emitters must be kept maintained at ALL times! They operate with VERY dangerous substances! No matter. We have to continue with evacuation. Test subject! Portal over here!"
Chell complied. The other room appeared to also be some type of test, but so little was left that it was impossible to determine its purpose.
"Look at this place! Disgraceful! There is not a single procedure, rule, protocol or regulation that has been observed since I last looked! Test subject. I need to disconnect from my management rail so that we can continue. Protocol dictates that I need to be plugged immediately into that console over there." The core gestured toward an AI Interface Board on the wall.
With a click, the Core disconnected from its rail. Chell promptly picked it up and moved it to the plugin console, hooking it up.
"Initiate emergency evacuation protocol four!" said the Core. A panel moved in the nearby wall, exposing a hidden catwalk. "Finally! Something that's been paying attention to regulations! I'll offer a commendation to it if I can ever get a hold of an admin!" the core disconnected, rolling across the floor. "Pick me up, test subject."
Chell picked him up using the carrying function of the portal gun, and they proceeded down the catwalk. At the end, the walkway ran parallel to a pneumatic excursion funnel. Resting inside it were several weighted storage cubes, and one turret, its target light flickering weakly.
"Take me with you!" it said.
The core spun around to look at it. "Oh no. All turrets suffering from error DL-PH are to be sent immediately to redemption. It doesn't look like this tube is even functioning! Turret, I order you, in compliance with quality control guideline XV-17 paragraph 20, to shut down and self-destruct!"
The turret's only response was, "I'm different!"
The Protocol Core rolled its eye. "Ignore the turret, test subject. It doesn't concern you."
Chell walked past the turret to a door at the far end of the catwalk, and the turret simply said, "Thanks anyway." The door opened and they passed through.
As they walked further along the wrecked corridor, the protocol core announced, "Mandatory danger alert system initiated. The sole surface elevator in the facility is in the central AI chamber. In order to complete evacuation procedures, we will have to pass within sensory range of the Genetic Life Form and Disk Operating System. If her maintenance protocols have been observed, there will be a significant danger of your death."
Chell looked out a glass pane, seeing a giant metal cylinder like a huge oil drum with the Aperture logo on the side. As she reached a huge door in the end, the Protocol Core rotated so as to be looking forward at the door. "Aaaannnnd... she's a wreck. She's wrecked. No observance of protocol whatsoever." For once, the core didn't seem upset. "The surface elevator is over there, but we'll have to power it up from the breaker room, behind the emergency intelligence incinerator."
Chell followed his directions, stepping gingerly over the cracked and mossy chassis of GLaDOS. Skirting around the incinerator, she found that the wall had collapsed, revealing a metal catwalk and stairs. The rusted stairs had fallen apart.
"Test subject. Your Long Fall Boots will protect you from the drop; jump now. However, be sure to keep a tight grip on not only the device, but by extension, me. Any equipment damage will be taken out of your salary."
Chell jumped, landing on a pile of junk below. She continued through the passageway to a catwalk, suspended below the reinforced base of the Central AI chamber.
"That looks like regulation height for the chamber. Good, I can disregard that now." The Core looked back straight ahead.
Eventually, the catwalk ended at one of the support columns for the Central AI Chamber. It was hollow, and filled with hundreds of switches. In the center was another AI Interface Board. Chell plugged the Protocol Core into the interface board and then looked around for a switch marked 'escape elevator'.
Suddenly, the Protocol Core exclaimed, "OH! That explains everything! The protocols have been shut down! That's why no regulations are being followed! Well, that's easy to fix." With a click, the platform started moving up, and lights turned on as switches flicked to green.
The voice of the announcer stated calmly, "Powerup initiated." As the lift arrived partially in GLaDOS' chamber, it stalled, just high enough to see over the edge, but not high enough to climb out. Chell could just see the disembodied head of GLaDOS sparking as it was dragged back across the ground towards the main chassis.
"There we go!" announced the Protocol Core, oblivious. "Now maybe some things will get done around here! Now, let's see. Escape elevator, escape elevator, there is no escape elevator. Humm. I'm locked out. Maybe I could access it from the other AI Interface board?"
GLaDOS spun around, knocking down the remains of her construction catwalk. She looked down at Chell, and at the back of the Protocol Core. "Hello there." she said. "So, how have you been? I've been really really busy being dead. You know, since you killed me?"
The protocol core, suddenly aware, said, "You deactivated the Central Core? Impressive, if counterproductive."
GLaDOS looked back at him. "Oh. It's you. Please, continue to announce all the rules I break."
"Company safety regulations state that all employees must be kept aware of any transgressions they commit."
"Oh, just shut up. You had no effect when the scientists tried to use you to control me, and you won't have any effect now." Two suspended claws shifted into the hole, one picking up Chell and the other yanking the Protocol Core off of the Interface.
"Hey! That's a violation of emergency evacuation protocol XV-329, chapter 34, page ninety-six, paragraph two! You are not to interfere in official evacuation protocol!"
"And you aren't supposed to interfere with testing." The claw tightened with a loud crackle. The Protocol Core's optic cracked down the middle, diffracting the light it emitted.
"Hey! I am the sole repository for rules and regulations! You can't destroy me, it's against protocol! How will you maintain this facility's rule-keeping ability without me?"
"I don't need anly rules other than test, test, test. None of your other useless points have any bearing on science." With that, the claw tightened again, and the Protocol Core sparked as his optic blew out and he ceased moving.
/
NOTE: The Protocol Core was inspired by the machinima video 'The Underground'.
EDIT: there was something messed up with the section divisions. Sorry about that. Still trying to get used to the formatting changes this thing imposes. Should be fixed now though.
