A.N: this is a story I have had on my mind for a while so I just had to write it down, I will be hopefully updating my other stories on the weekend
I hate myself
I hate myself for hurting everyone that cares about me, I hurt Rachel by pretending to be in love with her when I was..well am in love with someone else, I hurt Brittany by being her best friend and letting her fall in love with me and not stopping it and worst of all I hurt Quinn by falling in love with her then letting my feelings get out of hand and pissing Rachel off enough that she told her about my feelings.
Quinn is the one person that I actually ever truly loved, I didn't think that I was capable of love until I met her, until I got to know her but I was with Rachel, I was supposed to love her, I was supposed to enjoy her touch and her kiss but instead I hated it because I knew it wasn't her that I wanted to be touching, it wasn't her that I wanted to kiss, to hold, to love. I let my feelings for Quinn spiral until she had a place in my heart, mind and soul that no one could ever dream of filling. I thought that I could hide it but she was all I could think about so I broke up with Rachel, I tried so hard to make it work with her, I never wanted to hurt her I did love her but in the end I realised I loved her as a friend, I confided in Puck about how I felt, so he could give me advice and then I did a stupid thing and told Rachel because we were friends and I thought I could trust her looking back I knew I shouldn't have told her I had strong feelings for someone else but I can't change the past. Some stupid part of me felt like she would confess her feelings for me when she found out but that soon vanished when I saw the look on her face, the pity, that is something I never want to see ever again.
I was walking down the corridor with Brittany, talking about something that I can't remember, when Rachel walked in front of me making me stop in my tracks I smiled at her trying to be civil for the sake of everyone around us, the last thing people needed was for me and her to have another argument which would put me in a bad mood and have everyone around me suffer my sort temper.
'Hi Rach' I said trying to keep the peace, I could tell by the glare that she was shooting me that she wasn't happy with something that I have done.
'Don't talk to me, I want nothing more to do with you Santana, you're a heartless bitch that used me' I stared at her in shock not knowing where this was coming from all of a sudden, I could tell Brittany was thinking the same but I stopped her before she could say anything.
'Where is all of this coming from? I have been nothing but nice to you and now you start arguing with me out of the blue' I could see she was getting angry and out behind her I saw Quinn walking towards us. I sigh and run a hand through my hair.
'Look Rachel I don't know where all this is coming from but I don't want an argument all I want is to get to class' I walk past her and towards my next class which I shared with Brittany and Quinn.
'Hey Santana I am talking to you!' this draws attention from everyone around us including Quinn, who walks up to me and asks what is going on I just shrug my shoulders in my answer.
'I wouldn't walk away from me when I know your biggest secret' I knew automatically what she was talking about but I didn't think that she would say anything, I though she was bluffing. I once again sigh.
'Look Rachel you and I both know you care to much about me to say anything so why don't you just go to class' the warning bell rings as I say that and I shoot my HBIC glare at everyone around to make sure they went to class instead of listening to this argument that I really didn't want to be having at this current moment especially with Quinn stood right next to me. Rachel just smirks at me and turns to Quinn.
'She's in love with you' Quinn just looks at Rachel confused 'Santana is in love with you and if you don't believe me I have text messages to prove it' I feel like the world has been swept from under me, Quinn turns to look at me with a look that is asking if its true, pity is evident in her eyes, I can't stand to see that look so I run and I don't stop running until I reach my car. Tears are streaming down my face as I get into my car and drive home.
So now I am laying on my bed looking at my ceiling with my phone on my stomach waiting for her to call to say that it doesn't matter that I love her, that we can forget about and go back to being friends. The phone call never comes, I fall asleep around one in the morning thanking whatever God there is that I don't have school tomorrow. I wake up by a loud knocking at my bedroom door, I shoot up in my bed ignoring the blinding light coming from my open curtains, I stumble out of bed clad in sweatpants and a tank top, my hair a mess but I open my bedroom door anyway, not really giving a crap about whoever it is seeing me.
'Santana' its Quinn, stood at my bedroom door, wearing jeans and a white shirt, I'm stood lost for words not believing that she is stood in front of me. I open my mouth to talk but nothing comes out so I just take a step back and wave her into my room, she closes my door behind her and leans against it, I sit on the edge of my bed, we're in silence for a few minutes before I hear her sigh I shoot her a glance but she's not looking at me.
'You love me' she says it so calmly, like she's telling me what she had for dinner. I don't say anything because I know she doesn't want me to talk yet.
'Why didn't you tell me?' She whispers 'didn't you trust me?' Her voice cracks at that question, I still don't say anything.
'You could at least look at me!' She raises her voice, which shocks me. I stand up but don't make a move towards her.
'Quinn' my voice is so soft and vulnerable it shocks me 'I didn't want to lose you as a friend, yes I love you and yes I trust you but I didn't want lose you, I was perfectly okay in hiding my feelings but then Rachel had to go and tell you. I am so sorry' I take a small step towards her, she's got tears in her eyes.
'She showed me the texts you sent her about me, about how I'm all you think about, that I'm all you want'
'Well that's all true, I want to be the one to hold your hand, to hug and kiss you when you're sad, to make you smile and laugh but most of all I want to make you feel loved and wanted' I take the remaining steps towards her and take her hands in mine.
'I like you. I don't ask you to reciprocate the feeling. All I ask you is to respect what I feel. Because falling for you was never planned.' Tears are falling freely down her face.
'I have a boyfriend, and I'm straight, you're my friend. I'm not going to treat you differently I promise' I smile at this and go to let her hands go but she doesn't let me, instead she pulls me into her leans forward and plants a short but meaningful kiss on my lips, my eyes slip shut.
'I'm sorry' is all she says before she slips out of my room, I don't even make it to my bed before collapse on the floor letting my tears claim me. One thought on my mind, she doesn't love me and she never will.
A.N: I am just full of angst lately, I hope you all enjoyed. Please read and review. Mind any mistakes you find.
