Hiya! This starts from when Ste gets the phone call that Brendan is in hospital. It's different from there onwards. I haven't wrote in awhile so please review. I've been busy with stuff and you guys don't wanna hear about my problems so... sorry I haven't continued my last fic. I'll continue this one though. I promise. :)

Critisism, comments and compliments are all welcome.

Thank you and hope you like it! XD

Fear, family and the future

Fear. Ste hadn't felt it in awhile but it was easy to recognize. It was different this time. Worse. Worse than when he was 7, looking up and Terry and knowing, just knowing, by the look in his eye that the pain was coming. Worse than when he was just a teenager and he was getting sentenced in court, his whole future derailed and tainted by a criminal record. Worse even than when he looked up at the man he thought he knew, the man he thought he loved, and saw the same look in his eye, the only warning before he was doubled over in agony. This wasn't fear for himself or fear of pain. This was just out-right blind panic. Ever since that moment - since that stupid, stupid phone call - his mind had been running wild, fear poisoning his thoughts. What if he didn't make it, what if he had to say goodbye? How could he say goodbye? Visions of Brendan in one of his best suits, eyes closed lying in a coffin... they wouldn't leave him alone.

Ste ran into the hospital like a mad-man. His eyes were wide and searching, wet with un-shed tears because he couldn't cry. Not yet. He had to hold himself together or it would all fall apart. He would fall apart. Body running on auto-pilot, he made his way through corridor after corridor. He wasn't concentrating when he bumped into someone.

"Sorry." Ste muttered and continued to walk. A voice stopped him.

"Ste?" She asked and he looked back.

"Cheryl. Hi." He replied as he took in the women before him. She looked a mess: make up smudged, eyes red and puffy, her body almost curled in on itself. She looked distraught, depressed, vulnerable. She looked like she was grieving.

"I came here to see Brendan. He's... he's okay, isn't he? He's not... He's not..." He couldn't say the word. It's like, if he didn't say it aloud then it wasn't true. But one look at Cheryl and he knew it couldn't be good news. But he couldn't have just... died. Not like that.

"Yeah. Brendan's okay. He'll live." She replied, voice cold and lacking the relief he expected to hear.

Brendan's okay. Brendan's okay. Brendan's okay. Jesus Christ.He guessed that he was in shock or something because he was crying anyway. Tears ran down his face but Ste didn't care enough to wipe them away. He was happy, so fucking happy. It was like a weight had vanished from his chest. It was like the world had suddenly been set to rights. He was giddy, high on relief. His laughter rang out, loud and unrestrained. His grin threatened to split his face and he had to smack a hand over his mouth to keep the sobs in. God, things had happened so fast. He went from being fine, to having his world ripped apart, to being told everything was fine again and it messed with his emotions. Going from one extreme to another. His head spun but his heart slowed down and he felt like he could breath again.

"Brendan's okay." Ste whispered to himself and he smiled one last time before he pulled himself together.

Cheryl looked at him like he was crazy and Ste knew that he probably looked a little bit unstable. He didn't mind. But now that the fear was gone, the questions came flooding in and he wanted to ask them. Wanted to know everything. Wanted to know the who, what, where, when and why's. Specifically who. Who's fault was it? Who put Brendan in that hell hole? Who almost ripped Ste's world apart? But he looked at Cheryl again, took note of the bags under her eyes and slightly shaking body, and kept his mouth shut. It wasn't the time or the place. Blame... blame could wait till later. Ste put his own curiosity aside for her because she looked like she needed someone.

"And you... are you okay?" Ste asked gently. She looked lost.

"No." She said, voice breaking. Tears collected in her eyes and he rushed forward, taking her in his arms.

"Shhhh. It's okay. It's gonna be okay." he soothed, trying to help even though he didn't know what was wrong. He was hardly in a fit state to reassure anybody anyway but he tried for her. Ste had never been good at the whole comfort thing. Never been able to say the right words. Cheryl didn't seem to mind though. She buried her face in his shoulder as he held her, trying to contain the sobs that rocked her body.

"What's happened Chez?"

"It's my Nana, she... she's gone. Cancer. I had to... I had to view the body. Just like... just like with Lynsey." She cried and he hugged her tighter. It wasn't fair. She deserved better, a million times better than the shit she had to go through.

"Oh God. Cheryl, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He murmured and suddenly he understood. Those tears, they weren't for Brendan. Ste held her tightly to his chest and hoped she knew. Hoped she understood how much he cared for her. How much he wanted to make it better.

Only it didn't seem to be working. She trembled beneath his hands. Fragile.

He made her a promise. Ste knew he wasn't good with words but he found some from somewhere. Something to hold her together.

"Cheryl. Cheryl, look at me. You, you're perfect. You're an amazing, beautiful person and you deserve so much. I know that right now it hurts. I know that it hurts so much and you think it'll never stop. But I promise you now, I promise you that it's going to get better. You going to keep going because you can. You're strong. The strongest person I've ever met. You're going to get through this because there is so much out there waiting for you. You've got a future." Ste looked into her eyes and he thought she knew, just then, how much he meant it. How much he believed it. He flashed her a watery smile and took her hands. "You've just got to keep it together until the good stuff. After that, you never have to look back. All this pain and anger and hurt, you're gonna forget about it. It's the happy times you'll remember. All those good memories, the ones of you and you Nana. Of you and Lynsey. They're what's gonna last. You'll get through this Chez. I believe in you."

She pulled back, giving his fingers a reassuring squeeze, and sent him a grateful smile. He could sense the change in her. She was pulling herself together. Pulling herself up of the ground. He was proud of her for it but he knew how hard it was, when you've hit rock bottom. He didn't know what was going on in her head but he knew that she would need help.

"If you need anything, anyone, I'm there for you. No questions asked. I promise."

"Thank's Ste. You're a good friend. The best." She whispered and wiped her eyes. It startled him a bit 'cause he didn't have many. Friends, that is. Never had. It's just the way he was. Ste was so used to hiding a part of himself away. Ever since he was a kid and had to hide his fear as well as his bruises. He'd never been comfortable with the honesty and intimacy of close friends. Not that he felt like he'd missed out or anything. For years, it'd been Ste, Amy and the kids. They were more than he'd ever had and all he'd thought he'd ever need. That only changed when he met Brendan. It was funny really, how Brendan was the one who made him want something honest and open while all Brendan wanted for them was to stay in the shadows. Not that Brendan was ever a friend of Ste's. But Cheryl was. A good one, one he didn't want to lose.

"I mean it. Anything."

She nodded before gesturing forwards. "I think... I think I should go. Thank you for being here for me."

"You're welcome. I'll see you in a bit. I'm just going to check on Brendan, you know. See how he is." He said, about to walk away when she stopped him. Her grip was steel around his wrist, holding him in place.

"I know you won't listen to me Ste but I've got to... I can't... I can't keep my mouth shut." Cheryl sighed, searching for words, "Brendan's trouble. He's dangerous. You know better than most. I just think you've got a good thing going, with Doug. Don't let him spoil it, okay? Don't let him back in, he'll only hurt you. You're better of without him."

Ste stared at her in shock. Cheryl'd always been in Brendan's corner. He looked at her and saw genuine concern for him in her eyes. Fear for him. Fear of Brendan. He didn't know what had happened and he wasn't sure he wanted to know. Ste thought about Danny and wondered what she'd think if she knew. What would she think of him, for keeping it a secret? What would she think of Brendan? Would she still love him?

He nodded mutely and she let go, taking off down the hall. He walked on slower than before. He hesitated, when he reached his room. Ste could see the door, about a meter in front of him but he couldn't reach for the handle. Something stopped him. What was he doing? What the hell was he doing? Showing up there, out of the blue, when Brendan was supposed to mean nothing. They were supposed to mean nothing. Just skeletons in the closet. Water under the bridge. Memories from the past.

What if he doesn't want to see me, Ste thought, what if he doesn't care about me anymore.

God knows he'd given him reason to give up on them. That past year... it had been tough for both of them. What if... what if... what if... It was all they were. A bunch of what if's. But not again. Ste needed to see him because he wasn't meaningless. They weren't meaningless. Even though it was bound to be his downfall, Ste still cared about him. It looked like Brendan would need someone on his side anyway, now Cheryl'd upped and left him. He swallowed his anxiety and opened the door, marching into the room like it was his right to be there.

And promptly froze at the sight in front of him.

Jesus Christ. This... it isn't right. Ste thought, eyes wide.

He looked fragile, skin white and pasty. Face cut and bruised. Eyes roamed under closed lids and his head thrashed slightly. Nightmares.

"Brendan?" Ste asked, voice lost. He didn't know what to do. How could he help? Should he have even been trying?

Brendan stirred in his sleep, eyes blinking open with a start. He looked terrified and Ste wished he knew what he'd been dreaming about. Wished he knew what could possibly scare him so much. It seemed to register that there was another person in the room as his body froze up. Tense, like he was expecting a fight. When he saw Ste, he relaxed. His fists unclenched and he settled back down.

"St... Steven?" He asked, brow furrowed. Ste wanted to smooth his fingers along the lines, ease some of the worry, but it wasn't his place - not anymore. So he hovered by the door instead, useless and self-conscious. His fingertips fidgeted with the bottom of his top.

Brendan looked at him like he couldn't believe he was there and Ste gave him a tentative smile. "Hiya."

"Hi." He replied and Ste edged further into the room. He told him to sit down and he does, eyes not sure where to look.

They were suspended in silence, neither one willing to break it. They stayed like that for minute after minute. Brendan looking at nothing but Ste and Ste looking at anything but Brendan. Eventually, it became too much and Ste looked up, finally meeting his eyes.

"Who?" He demanded and Brendan appeared confused. Then he took in set of his jaw, the steel in his eyes, his balled up fists and he knew.

"It doesn't matter." He said, closing his eyes against the memories. Joel, Cheryl, Walker, his Nana, his Da... it was too much. He didn't want to drag it up now.

"It matters, Brendan. It matters to me." He insisted, raising his voice. "Who did it? Who did this to you?"

Brendan chose to give the short explanation rather than the long one - that version gave too much away. Left him too vulnerable. "Nobody. The boiler was broken, leaking gas. That's what caused the explosion."

"Really?" Ste asked, voice skeptical.

"Yes, really." Brendan sighs, willing the boy not to push it. He wasn't sure if he could keep everything to himself, if Ste decided to dig deeper.

And then what would you think, Brendan wonders, if you knew what a monster I really am?

His shoulders relax and he sags forward, head resting in his hands. "You scared me, you know that? I thought you'd gone and gotten yourself killed."

"And you were going to seek revenge, were you? How thoughtful of you." Brendan joked dryly.

"Course I was." He said, voice deadly serious. He was looking at the floor, eyes unfocused.

He must of realized what he'd said because he looked up, startled, and moved to cover himself with a joke. It came a second too late, though. "You can't be dying now. You still owe me £5.50 from the last time you was in the deli."

Brendan keeps quiet, staring at him. Ste recalls the look in his eyes with dread. It made him think that the man could see into his mind, into his soul.

Don't do this, Ste begged in his mind, Don't over-analyze it. Don't question it. Don't question me.

"Why are you here, Steven?" And there it was. The question Ste had been dreading.

I don't know. Because I was scared and angry and I needed to know you were okay? Because I still care about you? Because I really, really don't want you to die? Because, maybe, a part of me still loves you? Ste was lost for words. How could he explain the complete sense of panic that had driven him to the hospital, to Brendan? Even if he could explain his feelings, his pride wouldn't let him. Ste had long ago learnt that if you give Brendan Brady an inch, he would take a mile. If he admitted that he cared, Brendan would keep going until he admitted he still loved him. Then he would have nothing again. Brendan would hold all the cards. Again. So he kept quiet.

"Steven... does Douglas know that you're here?" He asked, eyes searching the other man's. He tried to find something, anything, to give him a clue as to what the boy was thinking.

Ste gasped and bit his lip. Doug. How could he have forgotten about Doug? Amazing, wonderful Doug: his fiancé. He hadn't really had the chance to think about it yet but he was engaged. He was going to get married. He'd never wanted to be married before. In fact, he was very strongly against marriage in general. He thought it was unnecessary. It just tied you down, made you miserable. He'd seen it plenty of times with plenty of different people: the first being his mother and Terry. But Ste had just got so caught up in the moment. Doug loved him. Doug wanted to marry him, Steven Hay. Ste loved Doug, as well. Of course he did. Doug was a light in the storm. He was kind and funny and amazing and god, Ste loved him. But, marriage? That wasn't something that could disappear easily. No, marriage was a huge commitment. It made Doug his husband. It made Doug family. Ste wasn't sure if he wanted that: more family. He'd always thought that it was him, Amy, Leah and Lucas against the world. Everyone else, they always let him down. But he'd always known that all he'd ever need was those three people and he'd be okay. They always came first, were always the number one priority. But then he'd have to add Doug to the list. Would have to make him a priority as well. Could he promise to do that, for the rest of his life? Could he promise to always put Doug first? It scared Ste, the thought of that type of commitment. Could he imagine a life with Doug forever? Could he let Doug be a part of his family? Ste shook the questions away because it wasn't the type to be having second thoughts. Not there, with Brendan.

"Steven, does Douglas know?" Brendan repeated, looking at him in concern.

"There's something I've got to tell you Brendan. I don't want you hearing it from someone else." He said, side-stepping the question. "I don't know how to tell you but..."

"Just tell me, Steven. Whatever it is."

"I'm... I'm engaged. To Doug, obviously. I just thought that it should, you know, come from me. I wanted to be the one to tell you." He trailed off.

A tense silence engulfed the room for what, to Ste, seemed like hours. Brendan stared at him in shock, surprise clear on his face.

"Right. Congratulations, I guess." He said weakly.

"Yeah. Thanks." Ste said, voice small.

"You should go." He murmured.

Ste looked at him for a long moment before turning. "Yeah." He walked towards the door, turning back just before he opened it. "Get well soon, Brendan."

Ste walked away and he didn't look back. Not once. He refused to regret his actions. He hadn't done anything wrong, after all. He had every right to move on, get engaged. Be happy. But, although Ste left Brendan behind in the hospital, the guilt still followed him home.

He's known that it was coming. It'd been coming for a long time, after all. He'd just refused to see it. But he saw it know, as clear as day. Steven had made sure of that.

I'm engaged. To Doug, obviously.

Sure, Brendan had known that the day would come when the lad would move on. He just didn't expect it to hurt this much when it did.

He knew that this was good for Steven. He knew this was what he deserved. Happiness with someone who could love him like he should be loved. Someone safe to spend his life with. A future to look forward to. Brendan knew, he knew, that he couldn't offer him these things. Couldn't be the man that Steven needed. That didn't stop him from wishing, though. Wishing that things were different, that he was different. It didn't stop him from hating Douglas either. He hated him for taking his boy. For waking up next to him every morning. For working with him everyday. For touching him and kissing him and being with him. He hated Doug because he was nice and normal and everything Brendan wasn't. He hated him because he loved Steven. He hated Doug because Steven loved him. Steven - his boy, his lover, his world - loved Douglas and it ripped him apart everyday.

Rachey Ayy xx