I'm sitting at the table with my mother in her new house drinking coffee. Talking about what happened still feels very surreal to me. Everything that happened sounds like it's straight out of a TV show. Ezra and Aria are on their Honeymoon, Hanna's pregnant and Emily and Alison are drowning in wedding planning and even though I love all of them dearly I just feel alone and completely traumatised which I would never admit out loud.
"Spencer ? Are you listening?" Mum asks interrupting my thoughts.
"Yes. Sorry, I am listening." I respond hoping she wouldn't ask further questions.
"I asked if you would like to come over for dinner next week? I could make the lasagne you love?" she asks and the moment she speaks the word lasagne I feel a little peng in my heart. Why am I still hung up about this ?
"Yeah s-sure that would be great" I stutter trying to get the sentence out.
"Are you sure you are okay Spence ? These last few months have been hard on all of us maybe you should take a break, go on vacation for a little bit ?"
"Mum, honestly I'm fine no worries. And actually I need to get home because I promised to help Emily and Alison today." I say hoping she would accept this excuse.
"Sure. I'll walk you to the door" she insisted getting up.
When I get home which is at the moment Toby's apartment in Philly I open the door praying he isn't home yet. Not because I don't want to face him but because it still feels totally wrong. After my parents sold the house including the barn I was basically homeless so the second I told him he offered me I could stay here for some time and I didn't know how to react.
"Toby this is really so kind of you but it's just not the right thing to do you know ? It would be extremely akward and I just don't think that-"
"I get it Spence I really do, but look you need a place to live and a friend of you offers you his couch okay ? I wouldn't be home the whole day,working and it would just get akward if we let it. See you could even look for a new appartement these next few weeks and as long as you are searching for one you can sleep at my place. Okay ?"
"I really, really appreciate it Toby but I-I honestly am not sure. I can't even pay half of the rent because at the moment I really don't have any money - and I just don't know with the complete situation."
"Listen you don't need to pay anything I got it covered believe me. Just think about it and when you want to, just come to my appartement okay ?"
So that evening I stood in front of his appartement with two bags and he just smiled and let me in. Since then I'm sleeping on his couch even though the gentleman he is he actually tried convincing me he could sleep on the couch and I could sleep in his bed but I declined his idea immediately. It was his apartment after all. It was awkward at first but we got into a routine slowly. He came home when I was asleep and went before I woke up but still left some breakfast with a little note every morning. I still don't know how I feel about it. Everybody asked me if we would be back together and everytime they wouldn't take no for an answer telling me we would be sooner or later. For me it's honestly the last thing on my mind right now while I am trying to get my life back in order.
Nevertheless,tonight I want to cook dinner for him, to thank him, for doing all of this for me. First I need to ask him to get off work a little earlier so I write him a message. I try to sound as casual as possible, not knowing how to approach this. Get it together Spence you can do this I think to myself.
Hey, hope you are having a good day. I wanted to cook dinner tonight - just a little thank you for letting me stay here so maybe you could get off work a little earlier ?
I hope this doesn't sound to forward because that is really not my intention. I and potentially he knows that I still have feelings for him after all we have a lot of history but I just feel like in our situation love might not be enough. Suddenly my phone rings with a response from Toby.
Of course, Spence I'm flattered even though you really don't have to do that. Which time should I come home? Would 7 be fine ?
Yes, that would be great ! See you later. You can be excited ;)
I type back trying to already break the ice a little bit for later. So now I have to start because it's already 5:30 and I have one and a half hours to cook the perfect meal for us. I already bought all the things I need on my way home so I start preparing my Pasta after I put my hair in a ponytail, change in a basic mom jeans and a clean white t-shirt trying to keep it simple.
After one hour everything was finished I was kind of getting nervous. Maybe he thinks I'm trying something ? Hopefully he doesn't think I'm trying to pressure him into something. Ok I need to stop I'm overthinking this it's just Toby we've known each other years now It's all going to be fine. Briefly after I finish setting up the small round wooden table in his kitchen I hear his keys in the lock. He comes in the kitchen smiling.
"It smells really nice here. So you didn't burn down ou- my appartement ?" he jokes winking at me.
"Tooo-oby I'm not that bad of a cook you know that." I whine playfully also trying to overplay what he was about to say.
"That's true there is nearly nothing you can't do." We both share a laugh before it gets silent again.
"You can sit down I'm just going to get the pasta and the sauce and then we can get started." I tell him whilst carrying the pots to the table.
"This is really good Spence. Thank you so much for doing all of this." he says as he begins eating. Not really knowing what to say we eat the first few minutes in a hushed ambiance.
"So have you heard from Ezra and Aria yet ? " he asks breaking the silence, looking in my eyes.
"Actually yes she even sent me a picture of them both." I get my phone out showing him the picture.
"They look really happy together" he remarks
"Yes that's what it looks like I mean I really am happy for them it's just after all that happened I can't believe she would marry him." I reply more to myself than to him
"Yeah I get that I mean after all he wrote a book and spied on her not to forget he was her teacher, but if he is the love of her life who are we to stop it ?" he mutters the last part under his breath and I was getting absolutely petrified now not knowing how to talk about this with him yet.
"Toby I-I'm just going to the bathroom really quick." I mutter under my breath needing to get out of this situation feeling panic rise in me.
I practically jump up not giving him time to answer running to the bathroom and locking the door behind me. I slide down the white wall breathing faster every second. How could I think I was ready for this ? I am not. I can't talk about love with him it still hurts to much. I begin to feel the tears on my cheeks my emotions beginning to take the best of me. My whole body is shaking and I feel like fainting just rubbing my sweaty hands over my jeans trying to calm down.
